Once a child
 
Daily it seems as if I read in the newspaper or online news about someone who had committed a murder, has abused a child or who has, in some other manner, treated a child or an adult as an object.  So far this week I have read of a minister being accused of inappropriately touching a child at a bus stop (no information indicating that the touching was sexual in nature but it was experienced as uncomfortable by the child), several people charged with viewing child sexual pornography (no indication whether children were pre or post pubescent), a young man who murdered an entire family of children and adults, a call for the death penalty of a murderer, the authorized killing of person by a member of the armed forces, and the long term incarceration but not conviction  of individuals accused of being terrorists.   Additionally, there is a lot of public arguments about the stage at which abortion of a fetus is murder, the ethics of euthanasia and  the killing of those who are legally determined to be objects (less than sacred).
 
When I read  or hear about a person sexually abusing a child, committing any other violent act against another person, destroying property or committing some other act the larger community has decided is illegal and/or immoral I imagine that person as an infant who I can pick up and hold in my arms.  I then wonder what events or factors have led to that person being unwilling or unable to control their desire to violate the sacredness of another.  In the case of those who are attracted to prepubescent children I wonder what causes their brains to command the body to be sexually attracted to children or to want to forcibly dominate another person with or without direct sexual intent.  In the case of those who are attached to pubescent children - ephebophiles - I wonder less,  given the focus of our culture on youth and all that is associated with what the culture defines as attractive..
 
If we are truly interested in treating all people as scared perhaps we need to:
 
o   Rethink how we label individuals and, thus, how we treat them.
 
o   Explore the cultural messages which may contribute to certain attractions or compulsions.   If, for example, child pornography is such a profitable business  explore possible systemic reasons for same.
 
o   Determine who is likely to hurt others.
 
o   Determine whether the motive of justice is to punish, heal or prevent further harm.
 
o   Determine which behavior is dangerous and which merely offends.
 
o   Identify which cultural rules or practices leave children vulnerable to sexual abuse?
 
o   Determine what combination of loneliness, fear of emotional connection, the need to control, and sexual frustration lead to sexual abuse and pornography  (child and adult)?
 
o   Determine how we can make it safe for children to say no and ask for help and still love the parent or other adult who is abusing them? (A significant percentage of abuse is by a relative, a neighbor or someone else known to the child.)
 
 
o   Determine how we culturally resolve our need to embrace sexual feelings while keeping all safe from abuse?
 
o   Explore how we simultaneously justify using sex as a primary sales tool and embrace sexual connection as an expression of intimacy?
 
o   Explore what makes the concept of Jesus as both divine and human so frightening?  Can we, for example,  embrace the human sexuality of Jesus just as the Greeks embraced the sexuality of their Gods and trust his divine example of unconditional love?
 
 
Violence including gun violence, sexual violence, bullying and other forms of violence is, at the very least, still epidemic in the United States although the overall rate of violence is decreasing.  It may be epidemic in other countries as well, but the United States may lead the world in its need to simultaneously defend violence and present itself as the most peaceful nation.  Until we get honest with ourselves and commit to aligning the reality with what we admit to ourselves and the world, this contradiction will continue.  Holding on to this contraction comes with a heavy price tag.
 
Behavior never happens in a void. Until we learn to face the tough questions and think in systemic terms we are destined to repeat and not learn from history.   For example, how does that infant who is so easy to love become a disposable object?
 
Written September 28, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
        
 
 
 
 
        
 
 
        
 
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - September 26, 2021




This week I have been particularly aware of a simple, but well-known fact.  That fact is that we are all human.  We may achieve the ability to create an artificial intelligence  closely resembling a human and which may, in fact, feel, smell and even taste remarkably like a human.  There is speculation or exploration of the possibility that an actual human might marry and be quite content to share a home and a life with an AI who may seem to have feelings and original thoughts.  One might than ask if said AI will question it’s artificial beingness. 


I ponder this issue because the one characteristic that most share is the surprise that we often behave in illogical, emotional, unpredictable ways.  Further, most of us seem surprised that:


o   Perception determines reality.


o   Unlike all other animals/creatures/beings we are unhappy with who we are and compare our insides with the outside of others.


o   Physical attraction wanes and even dies off.


o   Emotional attraction wanes.


o   We are capable of being emotionally and  sexually attracted to more than one person at a time.


o   We often make decisions based on the promise of immediate gratification.


o   The physical operation of what we call the mind or brain which determines perception or reality and resulting actions is determined by many factors including nutritional intake, climate, emotional states, diseases such as tumors, belief systems and chemical balance.  It should not be surprising that we often do not share reality.  It should be surprising that we ever have a shared reality.


o   We live for a limited time no matter how well we take care of ourselves.


o   Traumas seem to remain in our DNA for centuries. In other words, any mistreatment of even one person or other part of Mother Nature affects the entire universe for centuries


o   There is no I. There is only us. Despite the attachment to individualism and the teaching, especially in the United Sates, that it is the individual needs, wants, and rights which count we are social beings who are interdependent.  Either we succeed together, or we fail together regardless of our pretense that we can live independently of each other.


o   None of us have very interesting or unique secrets. 


o   It is only in solitude - in a state of letting go of the chatter - we can truly experience connection with all which exists in the universe(s)




At this point the reader might be asking, “What is your point?”  Of course, all of the above is true. (Or not!).  Yet, how many of the social ills are a result of our refusal to accept these basic facts which are authenticated by scientific studies over and over again?  Even when we fall into the trap which individuals such as Peter Tiel seem to do by advocating the creation of a country which is free of government we will continue to look for and take our cue from others. We look for connections with others who may believe in individualism!




As far as we can determine no other part of nature questions who and what they are. Nor do they seem to be concerned with the length of their life span.  We humans, on the other hand, either go to great lengths to find justification for our dissatisfaction with who we are, or we spend hours, days or even years attempting to use such techniques as meditation to let go of the chatter - to reach a state of Nirvana.   Buddhist writer and teacher Stephen Batchelor defines Nirvana as that state of being one attains when one  let’s  go of greed, dislike and egotism.  Pema Chodron suggests that the state of spiritual enlightenment requires the letting go of attachments and especially the attachment to dualities (labeling people, things, and actions as good/bad or right/wrong - the absence of judgement which is the basis for greed, dislike and egotism. This is the goal of quieting our mind and just being.  Although other animals and parts of nature may protect a territory, a food source, their perspective mate or their young, there is no evidence that they do so with judgment. 


I have long appreciated the work of Robert Enright on forgiveness which he articulates so well in his book Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope.  Stephen Batchelor seems to go one step further and suggest that to approach Nirvana is to let go of all thought which then necessarily allows one to experience what Pema Chodron and others have  suggested is the cradle of loving kindness.  In the opening lines of The Education of the Warrior Chogyam Trungpa posits:
           
            “That mind of fearfulness
            Should be put in the cradle of loving-kindness        
            And suckled with the profound and brilliant milk
            Of eternal doubtlessness.”


One might define healing as approaching that state of Nirvana - of experiencing being held in the cradle of loving kindness.   We experience or at least approach experiencing this as we approach acceptance of our humanness - of letting go of greed, dislike and egotism - the state of solitude  - the state of connection with all that is - the end of loneliness.




Written September 26, 2021
Jimmy Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - September 19, 2021
The good news
 
For many Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and others, the good news is we do not have to kill  or otherwise hurt each other.  The good news is loving those we label as our enemy pays enormous dividends. The good news shared by Grandma Fannie and others is that one attracts more flies with honey than one does with vinegar.  The good news is that hate, and punishment does not add anything to the life of the one who hates or punishes.  The good news is that it is safe to love.
 
I am fascinated by the fact that despite many in the United States wanting to identify themselves as Christian they staunchly defend the right to carry arms and to use a weapon if one feels threatened, believes that a loved one is threatened or even believes that their private possessions are threatened.   If in fact the use of hatred and violence is justified there was never any reason for teachers such as Jesus, Mohammed, and the Buddha.   If the use of hatred and violence is justified why pretend to take prisoners of war, political prisoners or all those who are labeled as criminals.
 
I am well aware that we humans get frightened.  Sometimes initial fear is a good thing. If a frightened or hungry animals such as a bear or a tiger in coming toward us, it is not likely that one can talk down the animal with the promise of a gift card to a major grocery chain.  If a person is pointing a gun at one, it makes sense to be a bit frightened and not charge them or even verbally attack them.  It is true that if i am confronted by an angry person who is threatening violence treating them with loving respect in a calm voice may give them space to breathe and to not become violent.    It is true that jailing and treating someone as less then will not motivate someone to be their best self.  Depending on the diagnosis one may be able to either design healing program or, in some case, keep someone is a locked facility where staff treat them as the ill people they are.  We do not admit to intentionally jailing someone for living with a brain tumor or some form of dementia. We may keep them in a facility where they cannot  harm themselves or someone else.   (i am well aware that some owners of facility for those with dementia are merely attempting to make money and do not  provide promised loving care.)
 
 
It is true that there are always those who believe an eye for an eye; that violence will teach people a lesson.  The truth is violence simmers and waits for an opportunity to return the violence to the original owner or pass it on.  Clearly there are those individuals and governmental entities who seem to temporarily “win” with violence.  It is true that some who are mistreated have an awakening and decide, in spite of being mistreated, to not continue the cycle of violence.  It is true that there are some who initially become less violent  because they want to avoid future mistreatment
 
All great spiritual teachers agree on basic scientific facts:
 
o   Love and not violence is more likely to heal.
 
o   We are social beings and need each other. If we mistreat one part of the whole, we cause harm to the whole.
 
o   Either all life is sacred, or no life is sacred. (In the case of some issues such as abortion good people may disagree about when life begins.)
 
o   Property is never more important than life.
 
 
 
o   when a person is hungry it is our duty and privilege to share our crust of bread or whatever we have.
 
o   None of us are in a position to judge another.  i must love the person who kills or otherwise harms another. I must never respond to violence with violence.
 
Written September 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpicktt.org
 
 
 
 
 
        
 
        
 
 
 
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The freedom of  honesty
 
Daily I write and share a spiritual intention.   Recently my spiritual intention was to take another step towards being honest with myself and taking responsibility for how I arrived at this point in time. 
 
On the occasion of the anniversary of 9/11, I wrote about the fact we in the United States have seemingly found solace in the telling ourselves that the events of September 11, 2001, which left over 3000 dead and many more  living with the pain of grief or survivor’s guilt happened because of immoral terrorists; actinf without any antecedent behavior on the part of the United States.  If one is so inclined one can trace the history of the United States in the Middle East and elsewhere identifying how that history fed the thinking and subsequent actions of the terrorist. I am not and would not ever suggest that the actions of those who acted so violently on September 11, 2001, was justified. I would never argue that violence ever leads to long term peace.  At the same time, I am acutely aware that all behavior affect the entire universe at some level.  Spencer Ackerman in his recently published book Reign of Terror traces some of the history of the United States which led to 9/11 and the current political devisedness.   It seems very difficult for most of us in the United States to honestly face the positive and negative of our history; to face the fact that it is safe to own our past and move forward in a way which is more consistent with the story we want to be true.
 
In my personal life, I am also aware that the stories I tell myself are often altered or whitewashed to fit the story I would like to be true. I want to allow myself to know how the daily decisions led step by step to my current reality.  My spiritual teacher would suggest that the way forward is to give myself permission to be honest while dropping the dualities; not labeling my various decisions and action as good, bad, right or wrong.  She would suggest that I simply notice them and then decide what decisions today are more likely to result in behavior which will allow me to achieve my spiritual goals.
 
I could easily make a list of decisions I have made which have led to this point in my life.  Those working the 4th Step in the 12-step program do a “searching and fearless moral inventory. Many use a workbook approach which invites one to look deeply into one’s history and how decisions or the decisions of one’s addicted brain affected others.  I am not in a 12-step recovery program, but I have often used the steps, including the 4th step, to make such an inventory.  Each time I do so I uncover more lies and half-truths I have used to temporarily avoid discomfort.
 
Often, especially when younger, I made choices based on fears or some other emotion. Frequently I did not share those emotions. I made assumptions others would not understand; would think less of me or offer me advice I was not ready to hear. I thus choose to keep some distance. Sometimes I ended up blaming others for my distance. My blame may have been expressed in a judgmental manner and pushed others further away.
 
The essential truth is all my decisions have joined historical circumstances to create this moment in my life. There are many aspects about this moment which I appreciate and enjoy. There are other aspects which leave me feeling dissatisfied.  The good news is that the truth will set all of us as individual and a country free.  Each day all of us have opportunities for new choices which will result in the reality of tomorrow.  It is our responsibility to make peace with the outcome of past decisions while remaining open to choices which will result in a different future outcome.
 
Written September 15, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
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Addressing Housing Shortage
 
I daily hear reports of a shortage of houses and apartments in the United States.  It is my understanding that there is a shortage of land in many places as well as a shortage of  material and qualified construction workers.  We also have an acute need to change our relationship with mother nature (the environment we have named earth).  None of these factors are going to fade away without a corresponding cost.  Given our attachment in the United States to nuclear family homes there is no easy solution.   In some areas, tiny homes may be a partial solution, but they still require land, individual utilities, material to build and maintain,  furniture, appliances, and other equipment and clothes which get limited use.
 
I live in a one-bedroom condo which is the smallest space I have occupied for many years;  my current condo serves  as an office and a home.  All my work with clients is currently remote unless I am traveling to see them in other cities.  I could not easily have my office in this space if I shared the space with another person.
 
In this condo space, closets, kitchen cabinets and floor space are all filled with my clothes, dishes, books and other possessions.  Appliances are reserved for my private use on my schedule
 
In times past I have lived in intentional communities or shared housing.  We shared space, utilities, artwork, dishes, appliances, other kitchen equipment and closet space. We also shared cooking, cleaning and other tasks. These intentional communities had 5 to seven people - seven was also the size of the nuclear family in which I grew up.   I also studied, visited and stayed for brief times at much larger intentional communities including the Bruderhof in New York and Twin Oaks in Virginia.   There are hundreds of such communities in the United States which are often organized around religious or philosophical beliefs.  Some have some shared housing within the community, and some have co-housing.  They may manufacture a product to support the community or individuals may have jobs outside of the community.  All share some of the equipment needed to maintain common and private spaces.  This may include laundry facilities, kitchens, lawn maintenance tools and equipment or farm equipment.  Frequently child rearing is also shared.  There are some co-housing communities with nuclear family style housing and some shared equipment.   Some co-housing communities are designed to be affordable to a wide range of individual. Others such as one in Tulsa, Oklahoma are designed for those who can afford private home beginning at around $300,000.00.
 
In addition to many intentional communities having a friendlier relationship with Mother Earth and being more affordable than nuclear family style housing they provide emotional and physical support.  Results of many recent studies in the United States suggests that loneliness is one of the chief concerns or conditions of a significant percentage of the population.  Intentional communities, in most cases,  ensure that there is always emotional and, if needed, physical support.  This does not mean that there is no discord or stress.  We humans beings can easily get on each other’s last nerve.  We may get jealous, feel less then, or have other emotional “dis eases”.  We can feel as if we are doing  more than our share of the work or are not appreciated for the work we do.
 
 If individual community member are working in jobs outside the community some may be receiving a much greater income than others.  A way must be found to share expenses which feels fair.  In one of the communities in which I lived we all contributed the same percentage of our income for common expenses. The dollar amount each contributed varied significantly, but all felt it was a fair arrangement.   In some communities some ‘scut” work gets more credit than other work. In  one community work which one enjoyed got fewer credits than work one disliked.   In all communities there had to be agreement on how to care for those who become mentally ill or physically disabled.  There also has to be agreements about how to handle disagreements.  Intentional community living does not create emotional eunuchs. We humans bring all of our humanness with us - positive and negative.
 
We must continue to explore ways to live together which respect Mother Nature and our need to care for and be cared for.  Our current focus on nuclear family housing which is inefficient and wasteful is not meeting  the needs of a large group of individuals.  For the health of each other and mother earth it is imperative we continue to explore more realistic, environmentally friendly, affordable, emotionally satisfying options.
 
Written November 8, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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A labor of love


Today in the United States is celebrated as Labor Day; a day borne out of the fight for the just treatment of those who labor to produce, create, and deliver essential goods for those who themselves were no longer producing what is needed for survival.  Many in the labor market in the United States continue to struggle to be treated with respect and dignity.  Many others go to work to do jobs they find non-essential; jobs where it seems meaningful, needed work is not available, but are  “necessary” to keep people employed. We live in country where work is often valued for its own sake rather than for how much it contributes to the welfare of the community.   


Most of us need to know that we are contributing to the health of our family and community. The word work does not always connote the extent to which one is contributing.  Often the only activity that we term work is that which produces a paycheck which contains the name of the person.  If one is a homemaker or doing volunteer work one is not valued in the same way.  Unless one is thus “gainfully” employed or has an independent source of income which allows one to purchase health insurance and a retirement plan one is viewed as having “free time”.  If one is lucky enough to  sell one’s product - artwork, writing, music, work work, food products - and thereby support oneself - one may, often reluctantly, be termed a worker bee.


In these United States one is lauded for being “at work”  even when it means that one ignores the emotional and spiritual needs of one’s family.  One may learn to believe if one is providing a domicile, cars, and brand named products one is doing one job as spouse and parent. 


The Reverend David Smith speaking at the All Souls Unitarian church in Tulsa, Oklahoma on September 5, 2021 reminded the gathered community that there is the work of the mind, the heart and the hand.  Work of the mind entails ensuring that one does not fall into the trap of allowing a thin slice of reality filtered through one’s limited experience to form one’s thoughts or beliefs; work of the heart is that work of reaching beyond fear - beyond the illusion of time and trusting that it is safe to love without labels or dualities; work of the hand is physical labor whether that be cooking a meal,  building a house, mowing the lawn or keying in symbols as I am doing on this computer.  They are all equally valuable and necessary.   A few of us may not be able to physically use some of our limbs.   A few may be so mentally or emotionally disabled that we can only function at a basic survival level.  Breathing/survival may be one’s primary work. 


Some of us find both hand work and mind work relatively easy and painless.  The work of the heart may be more challenging.   With my mind I find it easy to “know” that all are equally deserving of love and  respect.  With my heart I may find loving unconditionally a challenge.


We live in a time when it is not only easy to negatively judge another person, but to find many who will support our judging. We can use social medial to spread our judgment across the oceans of time and space.  Our circle of support can enlarge or shrink in a nano second.   All of us  can easily get a lot of support for foregoing the work of the heart.   Differences of opinion about a range of social, spiritual and political issues can easily be fed until they form walls thicker than the Berlin Wall or the border wall some were eager to build.  I am fascinated with the fact that if one visits sections of the wall built to separate Mexico and the United States, on the United States side one is often greeted with people in uniforms with guns and stark, harsh looking walls.   On the Mexico side one often finds art and music which may depict protests but also celebrations.  Mexicans or those waiting on the Mexican side may be desperate, hungry, and frustrated but one seldom finds hate.  Confusion and exhaustion perhaps but not hate.  The United States has often characterized the wall as keeping out criminals and drug smugglers despite the number of those seeking refuge are parents with young children.   If left up to children one will see a see saw cutting through the wall when not prevented by a physical steel barrier.  Children on both sides of the border find a way to build and share a playground of equals.  


On this Labor Day in the United States some of us may want to celebrate and nurture the work of the heart; to follow the example of the children who move beyond socially constructed and labeled differences to celebrate the fact that we are one family who need each other if we are to continue to live on this planet in this universe.   Thanks to the Reverend David for reminding us to use Labor Day to use our mind to reframe our thoughts, our hands to love each other and our hearts to celebrate our interdependence and ability to connect with love.


Written September 6, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings – September 5, 2021
Revisiting the kettle and the pot
 
Recently, a memory of some of the colorful language of a former Vice President of the United States made a cameo appearance in my brain. In 1969 there were millions of us who were righteously demonstrating against the involvement of our country in a war in Vietnam.   In October of that year there was a peace march numbering millions who passionately gathered in the nation’s capital.  Many perceived the demonstrators as unpatriotic, self-righteous and ignorant of history.  The then Vice President, Spiro Agnew, is quoted as calling individuals representing the media who seemed to support the demonstrators as “nattering nabobs of negativism”.   In a speech at a political fund raiser in New Orleans on October 19, 1969, he is quoted as saying:
 
         “Education is being redefined at the demand of the uneducated to suit the ideas of the uneducated. The student now goes to college to proclaim, rather than to learn. The lessons of the past are ignored and obliterated, and a contemporary antagonism know as ‘The Generation Gap.’  A spirit of national masochism prevails, encouraged by an effete core of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals.” (Thisdayinquotes.com)
 
Many of us who were involved in the anti-war movement at that time were amused and often proudly co-opted the label of “effete core of impudent snobs”. 
 
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the difficulty of following the advice of the 12 step programs such as Alcoholic Anonymous to practice these principles in all one’s affairs (part of step 12).   Whether it is my commitment to not use plastics, to listen to media which is not supportive by companies or organizations who do not adequately pay and otherwise treat their employees with dignity, or refrain from purchasing products which violate the  values I am attempting to follow in my life, I find I often conveniently move many items from wants to need.   For example, I tell myself I will not listen to radio programs whose sponsors violate my idea of what is just, but I made exceptions for certain programs on NPR because I “must get my news somewhere”.   Yet, at the same time, I want to self-righteously hold tight to my moral duty to criticize those  companies or others who are openly supportive of such companies.  In other words, I often risk being the emperor who nakedly marches along as if he is dressed.  I can be quick to embrace the spirit of Spiro Agnew as I own that I am one of the “effete core of impudent snobs”. 
 
Many of us look back on the internal dynamics of the anti-war movement with a vision of which we were incapable in 1969.  Often, in 1969 we males assumed leadership even if it was obvious many of the women would have been more effective.  We males were often too busy to do the scut work of typing, distributing flyers, and arranging for basic nutritional and even toilet  needs of the millions of demonstrators.    We heterosexual, white males  conveniently “fell” into leadership positions even if we were demonstrating against the oppression of the brown people of Vietnam and Cambodia.
 
In other words, we often earned the labels for which we righteously distained Vice President Agnew.  Sadly, he was correct in predicting that “Most of these young people who depend on the ideology of ‘the moment'  for moral and mental substance will in time . . return to the enduring values, just as every generation before them as done.”  While it is true that many of us are more aware and desirous of letting go of our racism, sexism and other isms of oppression we often hold fast to very institutions which ensure their vibrant health.  If we are brave enough to be honest, we no longer hold fast to the illusion that there is an us and them but support institutions which guarantee an us and them.
 
I am not suggesting that it is easy for this human to forego finger pointing at the misdeeds of others while extolling one’s own virtues.  Neither am I suggesting that it is comfortable to refuse a cup of exquisite coffee which has not been certified as free trade.   Although I would like to say that I only support political agendas which are devoid of negative messages, I find myself railing against “the oppressive, self-serving, political agendas of those who would restrict access to the poles, limit abortions to the rich, or support the one percent under the guise of a free economy being good for all.”
 
Thus, to the spirit of Spiro Agnew, I must own my sin of self-righteousness while disagreeing that the past is to be admired or envied.  It is not a matter of “Making America great”.  It is not a matter of acting as if we are America instead of one of the Americas.  It is not a matter of returning to a justification of the institutional practices which ensue an us and them. It is not a matter of acting as if the health of the planet and the universes is independent of the health of humans or vice versa.   It is a matter of owning that we can and do often adopt the transparent costume which we like to think of as opaque, the costume of effete corps of impudent snobs.  It is a matter of practicing what we preach as we explore whether us humans are constitutionally capable of what I would like to call compassionate honesty while holding fast to the faith we can create more just and loving relationships which join together rather than push apart.
 
Written September 5, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
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