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Liar, liar, pants on fire

2/28/2019

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​Liar, liar pants on fire
 
Most of us are well aware that truth is a relative matter dependent on many factors.   For example:
 
  • One can spin the truth to show, at best, a partial truth.
  • One can deliberately lie because one is frightened of telling the truth.
  • One can deliberately lie to gain some monetary, political or other goal.
  • One can misinterrupt what someone said or did ; assume what one saw or heard was accurate or the entire story.
  • One can deliberately lie because the listener does not want the truth or it would be unkind to tell the truth.
  • One can be delusional, paranoid or in a hallucinatory state.
  • One can mistake a belief for the truth or deliberately present a belief as the only possible truth, I. e. religious beliefs.
  • One’s brain can trick one because of some past traumatic experience.
  • One can assume one is seeing or hearing one thing when in fact they are only seeing or hearing a portion and are consciously or unconsciously filling in the rest.
 
Children frequently learn  at a very young age that parents lie when they say they “just want the truth”.    For example.  if a parent asks a young child why they ate candy when they knew it was so close to dinner time they do not want the child to tell them, “I wanted candy instead of dinner you dummy!”  As the child enters puberty most parents do not want the child to say they snuck out at night because they wanted to have amazing sex with a peer!  A parent or a teacher might say, “Just tell me the truth. I won’t get mad.”   The child knows this is a lie.  Often the parent or teacher will be very angry if the young person tells the truth.
 
As we approach or enter adulthood we learn many euphemisms to hide the lie in a magic trick.  For example, one may learn how to market or  brand a product in a way that presents only the positives. If, as in the case with drug side effects or the fine points of a contact, the negatives are presented they are minimized in some way or embedded in a pleasant photo or soothing music.
 
Politicians also gear their political speeches to appeal to a particular audience. Truth or their portion of the truth may change from speech to speech.
 
One can also contradict the truth by labeling it “fake news” or by directly or indirectly discrediting the messenger  or attempting to discredit the person or persons who is the subject of the alleged news item.
 
Most of us do not deliberately lie or consciously mislead others.  We may, however, not be very discerning about what we label as “the truth”.   Perhaps we could all benefit from reminding ourselves:
 
  • We can only share or report our truth as we currently understand it.
  • Sharing with others our process for deciding when a source is more likely to “fact check” as best as possible before passing it on.
  • Staying open to the possibility that we are the ones with fake news or, at best, only a portion of what might be accurate.
  • Placing information in context rather than sharing out of context information.
  • It is important to be as honest as possible while also realizing that becoming honest is a lifelong process which may require peeling back many layers.
  • There are many ethical and moral beliefs about most subjects.   Talking about our beliefs about what is moral or ethical is much different than talking about  the truth about what is ethical or moral.
  • We need to be clear that about what we heard or saw which is different than reporting that we heard or saw as the truth.
 
I am not suggesting that approximating a truth upon which some or even most of us can agree is easy or comfortable. I am suggesting that it may be well worth the discomfort or difficulty to search for the kernel of truth around which we  or someone else may have written a page or even a book of fantasy.
 
 
Written February 28, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org


 
 
 
 
 
 
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The challenge of civil discussions

2/27/2019

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​The challenge of civil discussions
 
When I prepare for “civil” discussions I very intentionally remind myself of the following prerequisites :
 
  • Suspend all current opinions about what is right or wrong.
  • Be open to being uncomfortable.
  • Be honest as possible.
  • Resolve to practice active listening.
  • Resolve to not  assume what one would do in situations one has never faced.
  • Be willing to allow for  both and instead of either or.
 
I recently attended a play the theme of which was civil discussion.  The play was “The Gun Show (Can we talk about this?) by EM Lewis. The play has one character, a woman, played by Andrew William Smith.  The character is not named. She recounts 5 stories related to the ownership and use of guns.  Over and over again she(as acted by Mr. Smith)  implores the audience to consider the complicated nature of the issue of guns ownership and use. The challenge was for the audience members to open themselves to potentially conflicting and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
 
As is often the case with me I had to first remind myself of the above requirements for a civil discussion .  Suspending current opinions meant that I had to be open to being uncomfortable. Only then was I ready to be honest about my own history with guns, killing and other forms of violence. I listed some very personal facts:
 
  • Between ages 5 and 16  I lived in the county in Oklahoma where guns were used to kill game to eat and to protect farm animals.
  • As a young boy, I wanted and received a BB gun.
  • As a child I played cops and robbers with a toy gun.
  • In the U. S. Navy, I learned to shoot pistols and rifles. I was not a very good shot and did not think I would ever have to fire at another person which fortunately turned out to be the case.
  • After getting out of the U. S. Navy I supervised armed security guards.
  • At least one and possibly two of my sisters carry concealed weapons.
  • My mother had a pearl handled pistol which my dad gave her.
  • My farther committed suicide with a gun.
  • Many of my friends – male and females – have concealed carry permits.
  • I have long considered myself a pacifist and have never personally owned a gun other than the BB gun.
  • I will not knowingly allow a gun in my house or office.
  • As a father I was against violent and war related toys and video games.
  • I am not vegetarian. I eat meat coming from animals which have been killed.
  • I would like to  think that nothing could compel me to shoot or attempt to physically hurt another human, but I have never had to face a potential killer of my son or  anyone else I deeply love.
  • I do believe we, as a society, need means of stopping and restraining potentially violent people but I do not believe that we have to use lethal weapons.
  • I am perfectly aware that there are those who are willing to use lethal force to kill me or others if we have something they want or need.
  • I believe that it is morally wrong to sell guns or other weapons to other nations or groups.
  • As a veteran I receive extensive health care from the VA medical facilities.
  • I support the right of people to hunt game with guns or other lethal weapons if it is for the purpose of gathering food.
  • I think we should do all we can to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill but, on the other hand, if someone is well treated for an illness such as depression. I would not oppose them being able to hunt with a gun for food.
 
From the vantage point of these “facts” I am better prepared to participate in a civil discussion.   I suspect most of us or at least many of us have a history as complex, contradictory and varied as I do.  I also know for a fact that I could create a similar  personal list for a wide variety of subjects.  There is obviously a reason why humility and honesty are so essential for civil discussions; a perquisite for learning and growing together as a community.
 
February 27, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
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The fear of us

2/25/2019

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​The fear of us
 
Fear may be the base emotion which is evidenced in most, if not all, oppressive beliefs and behavior.  February is celebrated as Black History month in the United States and presents an opportunity to correct the lies of omission and commission about race which most of us learned as children.   I cannot, for example, recall one mention by adults responsible for my education of racism, sexism or other examples of oppression and discrimination.  There was one Native American aunt by marriage who proudly shared the role of her family in the underground railroad.    I was aware that we had other Native American relatives and that we were rumored to have some Native American blood history.   I do not recall learning any of the contributions of  non-Caucasians nor any of cruel behavior towards Native Americans, African Americans, women or others.   Even though my Grandmother Pickett and her sisters were educated women I do not recall any education about the history of sexism.   Church leaders were, in the world I occupied, equally silent or they invoked God’s design as an excuse for oppressive behavior
 
None of these or related topics were addressed at the United States Naval Academy. The fact that all the servers were Pilipino and most of  Midshipmen (This was prior to the admittance of females.) were Caucasian also was not explained. Not even the rare non-Caucasian discussed the disparity or if they did it was not within my hearing.
 
Later I would be exposed to some of the historical lies of omission and commission.  Today, in 2019 I am still learning some of what we need to be teaching our children and ourselves.  For example, we need to be teaching the root causes of oppression.   We need to address how we move from our need for interdependence and cooperation to fear that we need to prove our worth as humans by positing that we are better than, worth more than, smarter than, more powerful than, more sexually desirable than or more desirable because of a social construct such as racism, sexism, or other ism.
 
This morning I was reminded that Garrett Morgan who lived from 1877 to 1963 invented a breathing machine (early gas mask), an improved sewing machine and an improved traffic signal.  I also learned that many Caucasians would not use the breathing machine  because its inventor was an African American.
 
How would one justify ones’ fear of using a life saving device because of the color of the pigment of the inventor?   Does some part of us always intuitively understand systems?  Do we know that if one piece of the system is not reliable the entire system falls apart?  If, in fact, African Americans are not less intelligent what other lies has one learned?  If we have learned lies about “them” who are we? 
 
That then is the existential, core question we must address.  If all the social constructs  such as race, gender, age, and sexual identity  are merely lies who are we? If all humans are equally worthwhile; equally deserving of grace, equally deserving of respect who are each of us?  What gives us worth, respect or makes us deserving of love?   If we are all essential, but tiny parts of a whole what gives this life journey meaning?  Is it really enough to be our best selves just for today?  Do we need to be fearful that without the push to be more than we would do nothing?   What if we are at our most loving, creative and industrious when we know we are enough?  What if we are without fear of the other which is us?
 
Written February 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - February 24, 2019

2/24/2019

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​Sunday Musings – February 24, 2019
 
Sunday has traditionally been a day of looking back over the past week and looking forward to the new week. It is a time to make room for the many blessings I continue to be given, to honor the empty spaces left my losses, to acknowledge the “sins” of commission and omission, and to celebrate redemption .
 
Included in the many blessings is the time spent with friends; the work of such friends and colleagues as Ron Scott who lovingly and clearly challenged many of us to peel  down to another level of the racism we have all internalized; the ongoing work of local organization such as the Human Right Commission and the forward thinking of many of the members of our city council; the ongoing challenge of such groups as Project Hope, the members of which serve the homeless; the  Wheeling Symphony Orchester and all who work to ensure there is music to feed the soul; the friends who brings the works of gifted playwrights to life to feed and challenged the soul and the mind; the amazing gift of those who trust me to walk with them on their journey of growth and healing; and the many gifts which my son and many others so generously offer.
 
This week I am especially grateful for the many hours I have spent over the years with Ann Thomas.  I carry with me so much of Ann’s challenge to celebrate life while simultaneously touching the depth of the pain of racism and other hurts which we continue to inflict on each other.  Many have challenged me to grow, but few do so with the humor and directness of Ann.   Ann’s challenge was always accompanied by the assurance of redemption.   As a nurse, a Christian and as a  woman whose example demonstrated that, in fact, as the Wizard reminded Dorothy and her friends, we have all we need  to claim the life we deserve, Ann was about change and not about punishment or self -indulgent regrets.  Redemption was not something that was represented by the story of a man who died on a cross but an action which we need to daily offer to ourselves and each other.  When I joined Ann and others for years on the racial justice committee of the YWCA, I, too, was expected, as were all the members, to recount my earliest experience of committing racist acts. The assumption was, of course, we have all learned to be racist and to use other social constructs to prove our worth at the expense of the dignity and rights of others.  We were invited to the redemptive power of truth telling in an atmosphere of love.   We were invited to not only verbalize but live the redemptive power of “The truth shall set you free.”
 
Ann died Friday, February 22  following a long journey with cancer. I must therefore accept the empty space which her physical presence leaves.  Yet her loving challenge and laughter will continue to remind me to dance a life of service, joy, courage and humility.
 
I sometimes overuse the words blessed and blessings and yet, this Sunday there are no more appropriate words to encapsulate the reality of redemption which carries me into the new week.
 
February 24, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
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In sickness and in health

2/22/2019

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​In sickness and in health

Many marriage commitment ceremonies include the promise to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health. This commitment extends to the children and the extended family members of both partners.   Many may be primarily  thinking in terms of life threatening physical illness.   Yet, many may eventually find themselves living with a partner or another family member who has an addiction disorder, is chronically physically ill, or is mentally ill.  One might find themselves expected by one’s partner, friends, or family member to have an unlimited supply of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial resources.  Taking care of a partner or other family member who is unable to give back over a long period of time may require more than one seems to have available especially in an age in which many of us live far away from extended family or even family of choice.  Fortunately. when there is a condition which both fits neatly into an acceptable diagnosis and statistically is expected to persist for limited amount of time, hospice or respite care may be available.  It is much more available than it was even a few years ago.   Often a  sickness or condition does not qualify for such help.  Sadly, there is no equivalent to hospice/respite care for those who have loved ones with a chronic illness which is not considered life threatening or a predictor of the end of the journey.

Some find themselves assuming responsibility for multiple or a succession of family members .  This may be due to fate or to the decision to remain living close to biological relatives while others have moved away.   It may also be due to the fact that they are viewed as a person who has both an unlimited heart and a seemingly endless supply of energy; as if they have a self -refilling refrigerator.   My older sister and another of my sisters seem to always “find” the time, energy, money, and other resources necessary to care for others.    They seem to be saints who never appear to run out of physical or emotional energy and somehow frequently morph into Jesus as they magically feed multitudes on a minimal budget. Yet, I know they get exhausted.

Perhaps the most difficult to care for are those who are younger, who may “appear able” but who suffer from an addictive disorder or some other illness which acutely affects their ability to be independent financially, emotionally and physically.   As a society we have collectively conspired to create a lexicon of terms such as co-dependent and tough love to divest ourselves as a community of the responsibility for the care of these sick family members.  Sometimes “letting go and letting God” does work for some with an addictive disorder.  The family member finds their “bottom” and gets the help they need.  Often, however, the sick family member is unable to give themselves this gift and tough love leads to death.  In my mind there are no right or wrong answers.  

Perhaps the most important gift we as a community has is to extend is our unconditional love and a helping hand to those whose promise to care for partners, children, parents, aunts, uncles, grandchildren and grandparents  is to offer our loving and practical support while withholding our judgments of those in whose shoes we have and will not walk. 

February 21, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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February 21st, 2019

2/21/2019

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​When is a choice a choice?
 
While at the gym this morning I was, as usual, listening to podcasts.  As is often the case, I jotted down a reminder on the notepad on my phone. The note said “choices or options”.    These words came to mind because of hearing one of the many voices in my head saying, “But he had a choice!”  Another voice said, “Did he really?  There were many other factors which limited his choices.” 
 
The question of choices is closely tied to the question of free will.    We often talk as if the action we or someone else has to take is to make a logical decision, choose the moral high road or otherwise make choices which any good human being would make.  For example, we expect those with the chronic illness of addiction or those with a mental illness to “simply” make decisions to get treatment.  Yet, by definition, addiction, other so-called mental illnesses, the presence of brain tumors, certain infections, dementia and other conditions affect how the mind perceives, interprets and uses incoming information to make decisions and direct an action.   Most of us know that we hear, see, and even smell with our mind.  As recently as yesterday I was seeing clients whose post traumatic memories were triggered by something someone said said.  Suddenly the persons were reacting as if they were back in a prior dangerous situation. They acted accordingly.  They had no choice.  There may come a time when they can experience this stimulus and have a different reaction, but yesterday they did not have a choice.   I, on the other hand, heard something earlier today which triggered an old fear of mine.  Suddenly one of the voices in my head was defending actions I had taken many years ago.  That voice wanted to make the “choice” to remind the person speaking of why I did what I did.  Fortunately, at this time in my life journey, I have many other strong voices in my head which can “reason” with the other voices thus allowing me some “choices” I formerly did not have.
 
My entire professional life work is based on the belief that many of us can have more actual choices in our behavior.  A great many factors affect this possibility including:
 
  • Access to healthy, non-contaminated food which my particular body can safe process.
  • An environment which is emotionally and physically safe.
  • Access to medications which may help my mind function more effectively.
  • Access to emotional and intellectual tools which give me new information or new possibilities.
  • Access to other healing treatments, other tools and people.
  • An unconditionally loving “we”.
 
Most of the time one has very little idea of all factors which have affected the ability of one’s neighbor in school, home, work, and larger community to have actual choices of how they think/put together thoughts or execute a plan of action.   I think that the more we appreciate this fact the more we will be able to make more scientific and loving diagnoses and then formulate more “rational” approaches to educating children, treating those who commit so called criminal acts or treating those with mental illness.  Perhaps when the Dali Lama, Jesus or other teachers suggest we “love our enemy” it is from the perspective of a much more advanced understanding of the factors which determine how individuals’ minds think and execute actions.
 
Written February 21, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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"And when I was wrong promptly admitted it."

2/20/2019

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​“And when I was wrong promptly admitted it.”
 
Step 10 of the 12 step program states:  “We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it,”  This step sounds very simple and it is. Yet, many of us continue to struggle with admitting we are wrong, especially in the context of a one on one relationships. 
 
My friend Ron delivered a talk on “Speaking plainly about race – What every white person should know.   Ron’s talks are almost always well received. They are funny. Insightful, humorous and humble.    He often uses himself as an example of learned behavior both positive and negative.   He  never talks at the audience but with the audience.    ‘
 
While listening to Ron I was again reminded I find it relatively easy when I am delivering a talk, facilitating a meeting or even when meeting individually with a client to admit  how often I am wrong.   I ask myself:  What do these situations have in common?  They are all situations where I am in a position of authority or in a professional role.  Could it be that I find it much easier to reveal who I am if I am, at some level, in a leadership position or have the illusion of being in an unequal position?   Do I find it more difficult to be more fully human self when I am in a “personal” one on one relationship? Do I find it frightening at some level to admit to another person  in the context of a more intimate relationship that I am wrong; have no idea what I am talking about; have made a mistake or have done something else for which I need to make amends?  Might the fear be related to the need to prove my worth; prove that I am smarter than or some other way more than?   Yikes!  Perhaps.  Yet, how silly this sounds.  I know I am human.  Everyone else knows that I am human.   Obviously,  there is no logical reason why admitting I am wrong is uncomfortable.  Yet, I and many others I continue to find it uncomfortable.
 
Some of us also seem to hang on to the illusion or delusion that there is one version of the truth; that truth is a very black and white issue.   Occasionally, this is the case. I do, in fact, have a deed to this house.  I do have a title to my car. I did go to the gym and work out this morning.  I did get upset when something did not go the way I wanted it to yesterday.  I was not, in my opinion, unduly upset.  Yes, if others had been present they might have experienced my behavior differently.  Yes, I did write down the wrong date for the meeting.   Yes, I experience you as arrogant which does not mean you are arrogant.  Yes, the way I responded to a client was not helpful.  I did not hear what they said and rambled on about something else. 
 
Some of us seem to take great delight in pointing out the misdeeds of others.  We may seem to think we have a very scientific system for assigning a point value to each misstep or misdeed.  It may also seem as if our scoring system always arrives at a higher score for others than for ourselves.  On the other hand, some of us may consistently arrive at a higher score for ourselves.  We may almost seem to take pride in proving that we are less then perhaps in hopes  this will elicit a counter argument from others.
 
Practicing promptly admitting I am wrong does not need to be such a difficult  or even uncomfortable task.  If others admit to us that they were wrong we do not need to berate them or acts as if this admission makes them less then.  Perhaps, as many in the 12-step program suggest, it would be best to “keep it simple” and when I am wrong promptly admit it. Perhaps it is not my job to keep my focus on you and “when you are wrong promptly admit it.”
 
February 20, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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"I think I can."

2/18/2019

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​“I think I can.”
 
On this day set aside to honor past presidents of the United States such as George Washington and Abraham Lincoln I am thinking of Watty Piper, Soren Kierkegaard, Jesus, the Dali Lama, Maya Angelou , Bill W, Dr. Bob and Dr. P. J. Palmer and others.  I am also thinking of those who first dreamt of a sending our voices over a wire, harnessing energy to light lights and a host of other individuals and groups who thought they could.
 
It seems that here in the United States and many other countries in the world there is a tension between individuals and groups which cannot be broken or eased until one side gives in or destroys the other side.  In the United States and elsewhere the one percent hold a great share of the wealth.  Pharmaceutical companies appear to be charge of the health of many.  Other health care professionals wring their hands and refuse to see many Medicaid patients; refugees depend on the generosity of churches and other aid organizations.  I am reminded, once again, of the opening words of the confession in the Christian Book of Common Prayer:
 
            “Almighty and most merciful father; We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts. We have offended again they holy laws. We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us….”
 
Every religious has some version of this prayer.  If we stropped with these words of confession we would simply give up.  Yet many who pray some version of this prayer do not give up.  Dr. P J Palmer on Colfax Avenue in Denver Colorado heads up a for profit clinic which serves mainly Medicaid patients and pours some of the profit into “Mango House which houses program to feed and clothe the poor, and after school program, English classes, churches, dentist, legal help, Mental health and scout groups.”    Yet Dr. Palmer does not starve or require staff to starve.  He operates a for profit clinic (Ted talk:  How Doctor can help low-income patients (and still make a profit.))    Soren Kierkegaard talked of the power of qualitative leap or a leap of faith.    In Pittsburgh Pa there is a for profit medical clinic which serves the needs of the LBTG community.    The late Maya Angelou rose up from the depths of abuse and despair.   Sonia Sotomayor traveled from the projects in New York to the Supreme Court of the United States. Dr. Bob and Bill W crafted a recovery program which has been used by billions to reclaim a life of which they and their community can be proud.
 
Just when we think that no engine can make it up the Mountain the little engine does by one inch at a time proclaiming “I think I can.  I think I can.”
 
This nation of humans who has  enslaved and bullied others from its inception; this nation which has helped to create some of the poverty and violence in all the Americas and many other countries; this nation which puts arms sales profit above the death of dissidents; this nation which label s those fleeing violence as criminals; this nation which has created the gods of addiction – money, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, power, stuff, self-righteousness; this nation which imprisons more than any other developed nation has the soul – the seeds – of redemptive power.
 
We can be the nation which is of the people, for the people and by the people. We can be a nation which knows no stranger. We can be a nation which lets no one do without medical care, housing, education, food and hope. Above all we can be a nation of hope.
 
I think we can. I think we can.
 
 
February 18, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - February 17, 2019

2/17/2019

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Sunday Musings – February 17, 2019
 
By the time Sunday arrives my head is filled with words, words and more words. Many arrive via the printed word and others via the spoken word.  All join the many words which are frequently stored in the forms of stories I have told myself.   With each word arriving from outside my head comes  a strengthening or adjustment to those stories.  Sometimes, the arriving words seem to not want to play with any of the words in the stories. They just hang out waiting.  When I think of the week just passed the words include compromise, wall, emergency, punishment, suffering, joy and hope.  There are also co-joined words which arrive in the form of phrases such as “to bear witness” (The Moth) , “The Beauty Puzzle” (RADIOLAB), The Power of God (Sermon by The Rev. Winnie Varghese at Wall Street Trinity Church), Valentine’s day, President’s Day, fake news, and a host of others.  These phrases often arrived fully dressed in the costume de jour assigned by individuals or groups.   Although many days I use the format of a blog to sort through some of these words and stories, on Sunday I must make room for the coming days and all the new words, phrases and stories which will arrive.  Many, such as the Hallmark Valentine expectations of the emotionally and spiritually healthy, gorgeous partner who will return unconditional love without forcing me to adjust the schedule I have refined as a single person, are easy to let go. It is also relatively easy to let go of my obsessive worry about my responsibility for those fleeing all forms of violence and just focus on doing what is possible today – speaking out, welcoming all strangers I encounter, supporting those who have other forms of power to help.
 
I can also refuse to keep silent about my own pain or the pain of others. I can show up without attempting to hide my own shortcomings or vulnerability.
 
I can trust the evolutionary process and attempt to add little  to the chemical, emotional, spiritual or political pollution.    I can listen to programs such  “The Beauty Puzzle” about evolution and what we humans can learn by studying birds whose evolution includes leaving only 3%  of male species of birds with a penis or how the Bower birds insures the females have a choice of with whom they will mate.
 
I can practice obeying the teaching of Jesus to “love my enemy” – a teaching whose value is daily being validated by scientific studies of how abuse and love affect how we feel, think and behave.
 
I can remember to breathe and to attend to the mirrors which others, including those of whom I am judgmental, hold up to me.
 
I can focus on my own self-centeredness and self-righteousness without the need to impale myself on the sword of shame.
 
I can knead  all those stories and words together and allow them to play with each other until they are ready for the oven and eventually to nourish my being.
 
February 17, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Self-care and compassion

2/16/2019

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Self-care and compassion
 
I listened to a recent podcast of On Being with host Krista Tippett and her guest, neuroscientist, Dr. Richard Davidson.  The title of the podcast is “A Neuroscientist on Love and learning”.  I urge the reader to listen to this podcast.     On a previous podcast in 2011 Ms. Tippett and Dr. Davidson talked about compassion.  At that time, he defined compassion as “a motivational state that is associated with the propensity to relieve the suffering of others”.   In this podcast he is focused on the effect of love on learning.  
 
I have long been interested in the factors which prevent us from taking care of ourselves intellectually,  emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Most of us know that if we do not take care of ourselves it is impossible for us focus our attention on taking care of others.   In order to take care of others one must have an ability the identify the needs of others.  The ability to identify the needs of others requires a deep level of compassion.
 
There are brain conditions which may keep us from caring for parts of ourselves and, thus, keep us from caring for others.  Those on the autism spectrum may have great difficulty identifying with others as mirrors images of themselves.
 
When children or adults experience neglect or overt negative treatment they can easily generalize the distrust.  Instead of one person or small group of people being untrustworthy one can begin to distrust all humans.  The fact that this may not be a very scientific way of approaching the issues of trust does not matter.    The absence of a history of loving, trusting relationships makes it difficult, if not impossible, to take the leap of faith and trust another person.  The person who has been abused may themselves become abusive towards themselves and others.  This experience can also impair the ability to learn.
 
Those who are unconditionally loved as humans may find it easier to have and show compassion. Obviously, there are those get all the material goods and things they want but never learn to make peace with their own humanness.  They got stuff but no unconditional love.  They may learn to identify their core as their position of privilege/status or their monetary worth.  One may also learn to identify their core as a particular skill or talent.  I have worked with/for individuals whose identity was intricately connected to their early success as a musician, an athlete or some other skill.   When success did not last or an injury prevented them for continuing the career which required a level of physical agility, they became depressed, angry and unable to show compassion to themselves or others.
 
Dr. Davidson and many others studying brain function posit that:
 
  • The brain is elastic - can mature and develop over a lifetime.
  • Being able to attend requires that one feels safe in being quiet with oneself.
  • Being quiet with oneself requires that one have compassion for oneself and not be consumed with shame or other negative thoughts about oneself
  • Being able to have compassion for oneself is a necessary (not always sufficient) condition for empathy.
  • Empathy is a necessary condition to receive (ability to hear) positive feedback from others which reinforces compassion for oneself.
  • Compassion and cognitive ability are intricately connected.
 
Written February 16, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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