12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 4
Step 4 in the AA Big Book is: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
In my work with myself and with those recovering from addiction to alcohol, other drugs, power, money, religion or any other idea, thing or substance it is step 4 which is often the stumbling block – the place in the recovery/growing/healing process where folks run back to a more comfortable place.
As with all the steps, various 12-step programs and various sponsors within the program use a variety of formats for guiding folks through the initial process of doing step 4. I personally appreciate the 12-steps study work sheets from the AA Big Book Study Workshops. This is probably because I am a very organized and detailed person. I also found that looking at myself and all the ways that I fail to live up to the values I admire and wish to emulate is a daunting task. Having a step-by-step guide is helpful to me. If, however, you are one of those individuals who has a difficult time staying focused on small steps towards a goal, you might want to start out with a more general moral inventory. The Big Book also offers guidance regarding prayers or meditations which can be used with all the steps.
The Big Book lists definitions used when approaching the 4th step. These are
These are, as best as I can, the definitions used for the fourth step. It is worth noting that they are not always the definitions that are used in everyday and conversational language. What we are trying to do here is to put in words the self-centered impulses and feelings (the different forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity) that cause our resentments and fears. So as long as we do that as consistently and honestly as we can, we will be fine.
Self-centeredness: thinking of myself excessively and not giving due regard to others.
Pride: worrying about what people think of us — what would they think of me if they knew? How could he do that to the great me?
Self-pity: feeling down about my own situation. This is usually the defect that we feel most directly. It's the one that lets us know that we have a resentment -- poor me! It is not possible to feel pride and self-pity without it being due to Self-centeredness After all, I can't be feeling down about my situation (self-pity) if I am trying to think of others first; similarly, I can't be worrying about how others view me (pride) if I am not thinking about myself. This is why these three come together, they "hunt in a pack", as it were.
Jealousy: resenting affection that is given to others -- I am jealous of Fred because Mary fancies him and she doesn't fancy me.
Envy: wanting what rightfully belongs to others, their possessions, their abilities -- I am envious of Fred's Mercedes and his good looks. (But in this case I am still jealous of him as well because Mary fancies him and not me.)
Dishonesty: the conventional use of not being honest (lying, cheating, stealing). There are additional meanings that are not a used in everyday language, but are used commonly in the fourth step -- if I resent someone else for something that I have done myself it is dishonest (hypocrisy or self-delusion). We can extend that further: even if I Hadn't done what I had resented him for, then in almost every case we can say: "There but for the grace of God go I." In other words, if the positions were reversed and I had been through everything that person had been through in life, that I would not do the same, we might refer to this as a sort of potential hypocrisy. There are certain situations where this would not apply: we cannot ever put ourselves in God's position. So, other things being equal, if we resented God we would not include dishonesty.
Selfishness: not being prepared to let others have some of what is mine (material goods, time). NB if we are just thinking of ourselves, that is self-centeredness and not selfishness.
Greed: when I have what I need yet I want more. Refers to material possessions.
Gluttony: greed for food and drink (including alcohol).
Lust: a selfish desire for sex.
Arrogance: knowing better than my equals (not minding my own business, telling people who have not asked me and over whom I have no authority, what to do) or thinking I am the equal of my betters (not accepting the authority of those I should -- parents, bosses at work, teachers when I am at school). Also making judgments on the morality (rights and wrongs) of people's behavior is arrogance, because ultimately only God (or the judicial system) is entitled to do that.
Intolerance: not putting up qualities, in others that they cannot help -- he is ugly; I don't like her accent; I don't like the English; I don't like the working/middle/upper class; I don't like his or her skin color/race/nationality. Intolerance is not used for when we don't like someone's behavior (see 'arrogance').
Impatience: I am fed up with waiting (bus queues, she hasn't returned my telephone call yet).
Sloth: laziness, procrastination.
Mercy! This is a lot. These are just the list of definition but the implication is, of course, that in doing a 4th step we will be looking at these “character defects” – these very human traits which get in the way of achieving our goals of being a person of whom we can be proud.
If one goggles the site: step12.com, one will can download all of the guides and worksheets for doing a complete 4th step. The guides/worksheets are broken down into:
4th Step guide instructions
4th Step resentment worksheet
4th Step fears worksheet
4th Step sex conduct worksheet
4th Step harm to others worksheet
Each of the worksheets is broken down into columns. For example, the resentful worksheet has the following columns: I am resentful (of/about); Cause; What part of self was hurt or threatened (i. e. self-esteem, pride, pocketbook); Where was I to blame?
One could, of course, spend hours, days, weeks or a lifetime completing these worksheets. Personally, I need to be careful that (1) I do not get bogged down in detail and (2) that I am as honest as I can be but not shameful.
My clear understanding and the way I use the 4th step is for healing and not to shame myself or to beat myself up The basic purpose of doing this step is to realize that my behavior affects me and other people and that I have the power to treat myself and other better. Another way of saying this is that when I settle for short-term gratification by using another for sex, money, or some other temporary personal gain, I separate myself from (1) that which is the essential part of me and (2) the connection with others (and the universe in general) and (3) from the God of my understanding.
Let’s for a moment look at resentment. Resentments often seem justified. Other people/other humans do, in fact take advantage of me at times, treat me as less then, or directly harm me physically or emotionally. Sometimes this happens no matter how well I try to treat others. It is easy for me to focus on what a terrible, non-spiritual, low life, piece of scum “these people” are. The question I have to then ask myself is, “When have I been inconsiderate, hurtful, or in some way treated another person as less then?” If you are like me, many instances will rather quickly come to mind. The other person’s behavior then is a mirror for when I am hurtful. Does this make me a terrible person who deserves to be tarred and feathered? No. In fact, if I start beating up on myself I will again become self-focused and am more likely to be hurtful to another or at least ignore the needs of others (Sorry, I am too busy beating up on myself to notice your need.)
The primary goal of step 4 is to realize that when I do not take care of myself I behave in ways which are not consistent with my values or with creating a more just and loving world. In the case of the person who has been addicted to alcohol or other drugs, it is easy to see how the drug affected one’s ability to think. Further, when using/abusing alcohol or other drugs, one probably was not eating well, exercising, or otherwise taking care of self. The brain is not going to make good decisions when it is deprived of essential ingredients for fuel. It is also true, however, that even if one does not have an addiction to alcohol or another drug, one can easily get very busy and forget to take care of oneself physically, nutritionally, emotionally, and spiritually. One can easily get overly focused on a task and not notice that my neighbor is bleeding. One can get worn out and begin to feel as if others are responsible for me not having a good life. One becomes resentful, blame, isolate, and then look for temporary relief even if it means saying a mean word or otherwise treating myself or you as less then. This is what we humans do . This is what all of we humans do.
I find that each time I do a 4th step, I discover more ways in which I have hurt myself or others; more habits which get in the way of behaving in the way I aspire to behave. Pema Chodron, a spiritual teacher, talks about first discovering that she can lose it when her beloved six-year-old granddaughter visits for the weekend. Not only that she can notice herself wanting to bargain with her granddaughter to keep grandma’s behavior a secret. She realizes that she does not want to admit that this internationally admired spiritual teacher loses it with a beloved six-year-old. Of course, she then tells on herself because it is a wonderful example of the fact that even if, as is true for this Buddhist nun, we meditate or pray for hours every day we are going to have these human moments. If we become shameful and try to cover up these moments we will become self-obsessed, stressed, and be more likely to do something else for which we shame ourselves.
Doing a 4th step is a part of the process of freeing ourselves to begin to come closer to being the person we want to be; to making choices which allow us to be intentional about how we want to be today.
Step 4 in the AA Big Book is: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
In my work with myself and with those recovering from addiction to alcohol, other drugs, power, money, religion or any other idea, thing or substance it is step 4 which is often the stumbling block – the place in the recovery/growing/healing process where folks run back to a more comfortable place.
As with all the steps, various 12-step programs and various sponsors within the program use a variety of formats for guiding folks through the initial process of doing step 4. I personally appreciate the 12-steps study work sheets from the AA Big Book Study Workshops. This is probably because I am a very organized and detailed person. I also found that looking at myself and all the ways that I fail to live up to the values I admire and wish to emulate is a daunting task. Having a step-by-step guide is helpful to me. If, however, you are one of those individuals who has a difficult time staying focused on small steps towards a goal, you might want to start out with a more general moral inventory. The Big Book also offers guidance regarding prayers or meditations which can be used with all the steps.
The Big Book lists definitions used when approaching the 4th step. These are
These are, as best as I can, the definitions used for the fourth step. It is worth noting that they are not always the definitions that are used in everyday and conversational language. What we are trying to do here is to put in words the self-centered impulses and feelings (the different forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity) that cause our resentments and fears. So as long as we do that as consistently and honestly as we can, we will be fine.
Self-centeredness: thinking of myself excessively and not giving due regard to others.
Pride: worrying about what people think of us — what would they think of me if they knew? How could he do that to the great me?
Self-pity: feeling down about my own situation. This is usually the defect that we feel most directly. It's the one that lets us know that we have a resentment -- poor me! It is not possible to feel pride and self-pity without it being due to Self-centeredness After all, I can't be feeling down about my situation (self-pity) if I am trying to think of others first; similarly, I can't be worrying about how others view me (pride) if I am not thinking about myself. This is why these three come together, they "hunt in a pack", as it were.
Jealousy: resenting affection that is given to others -- I am jealous of Fred because Mary fancies him and she doesn't fancy me.
Envy: wanting what rightfully belongs to others, their possessions, their abilities -- I am envious of Fred's Mercedes and his good looks. (But in this case I am still jealous of him as well because Mary fancies him and not me.)
Dishonesty: the conventional use of not being honest (lying, cheating, stealing). There are additional meanings that are not a used in everyday language, but are used commonly in the fourth step -- if I resent someone else for something that I have done myself it is dishonest (hypocrisy or self-delusion). We can extend that further: even if I Hadn't done what I had resented him for, then in almost every case we can say: "There but for the grace of God go I." In other words, if the positions were reversed and I had been through everything that person had been through in life, that I would not do the same, we might refer to this as a sort of potential hypocrisy. There are certain situations where this would not apply: we cannot ever put ourselves in God's position. So, other things being equal, if we resented God we would not include dishonesty.
Selfishness: not being prepared to let others have some of what is mine (material goods, time). NB if we are just thinking of ourselves, that is self-centeredness and not selfishness.
Greed: when I have what I need yet I want more. Refers to material possessions.
Gluttony: greed for food and drink (including alcohol).
Lust: a selfish desire for sex.
Arrogance: knowing better than my equals (not minding my own business, telling people who have not asked me and over whom I have no authority, what to do) or thinking I am the equal of my betters (not accepting the authority of those I should -- parents, bosses at work, teachers when I am at school). Also making judgments on the morality (rights and wrongs) of people's behavior is arrogance, because ultimately only God (or the judicial system) is entitled to do that.
Intolerance: not putting up qualities, in others that they cannot help -- he is ugly; I don't like her accent; I don't like the English; I don't like the working/middle/upper class; I don't like his or her skin color/race/nationality. Intolerance is not used for when we don't like someone's behavior (see 'arrogance').
Impatience: I am fed up with waiting (bus queues, she hasn't returned my telephone call yet).
Sloth: laziness, procrastination.
Mercy! This is a lot. These are just the list of definition but the implication is, of course, that in doing a 4th step we will be looking at these “character defects” – these very human traits which get in the way of achieving our goals of being a person of whom we can be proud.
If one goggles the site: step12.com, one will can download all of the guides and worksheets for doing a complete 4th step. The guides/worksheets are broken down into:
4th Step guide instructions
4th Step resentment worksheet
4th Step fears worksheet
4th Step sex conduct worksheet
4th Step harm to others worksheet
Each of the worksheets is broken down into columns. For example, the resentful worksheet has the following columns: I am resentful (of/about); Cause; What part of self was hurt or threatened (i. e. self-esteem, pride, pocketbook); Where was I to blame?
One could, of course, spend hours, days, weeks or a lifetime completing these worksheets. Personally, I need to be careful that (1) I do not get bogged down in detail and (2) that I am as honest as I can be but not shameful.
My clear understanding and the way I use the 4th step is for healing and not to shame myself or to beat myself up The basic purpose of doing this step is to realize that my behavior affects me and other people and that I have the power to treat myself and other better. Another way of saying this is that when I settle for short-term gratification by using another for sex, money, or some other temporary personal gain, I separate myself from (1) that which is the essential part of me and (2) the connection with others (and the universe in general) and (3) from the God of my understanding.
Let’s for a moment look at resentment. Resentments often seem justified. Other people/other humans do, in fact take advantage of me at times, treat me as less then, or directly harm me physically or emotionally. Sometimes this happens no matter how well I try to treat others. It is easy for me to focus on what a terrible, non-spiritual, low life, piece of scum “these people” are. The question I have to then ask myself is, “When have I been inconsiderate, hurtful, or in some way treated another person as less then?” If you are like me, many instances will rather quickly come to mind. The other person’s behavior then is a mirror for when I am hurtful. Does this make me a terrible person who deserves to be tarred and feathered? No. In fact, if I start beating up on myself I will again become self-focused and am more likely to be hurtful to another or at least ignore the needs of others (Sorry, I am too busy beating up on myself to notice your need.)
The primary goal of step 4 is to realize that when I do not take care of myself I behave in ways which are not consistent with my values or with creating a more just and loving world. In the case of the person who has been addicted to alcohol or other drugs, it is easy to see how the drug affected one’s ability to think. Further, when using/abusing alcohol or other drugs, one probably was not eating well, exercising, or otherwise taking care of self. The brain is not going to make good decisions when it is deprived of essential ingredients for fuel. It is also true, however, that even if one does not have an addiction to alcohol or another drug, one can easily get very busy and forget to take care of oneself physically, nutritionally, emotionally, and spiritually. One can easily get overly focused on a task and not notice that my neighbor is bleeding. One can get worn out and begin to feel as if others are responsible for me not having a good life. One becomes resentful, blame, isolate, and then look for temporary relief even if it means saying a mean word or otherwise treating myself or you as less then. This is what we humans do . This is what all of we humans do.
I find that each time I do a 4th step, I discover more ways in which I have hurt myself or others; more habits which get in the way of behaving in the way I aspire to behave. Pema Chodron, a spiritual teacher, talks about first discovering that she can lose it when her beloved six-year-old granddaughter visits for the weekend. Not only that she can notice herself wanting to bargain with her granddaughter to keep grandma’s behavior a secret. She realizes that she does not want to admit that this internationally admired spiritual teacher loses it with a beloved six-year-old. Of course, she then tells on herself because it is a wonderful example of the fact that even if, as is true for this Buddhist nun, we meditate or pray for hours every day we are going to have these human moments. If we become shameful and try to cover up these moments we will become self-obsessed, stressed, and be more likely to do something else for which we shame ourselves.
Doing a 4th step is a part of the process of freeing ourselves to begin to come closer to being the person we want to be; to making choices which allow us to be intentional about how we want to be today.
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