For a time after moving to Florida I did not get the area daily newspaper.  Then a special offer for a six month subscription tempted me and I succumbed to purchasing it. Now every morning, the paper magically arrives on my doorstep and I read it while eating breakfast after I return from the gym.   If it was a matter of just reading what is printed it would not take much time or energy. The problem is that I want to discuss or debate with about half the reporters or those who write letters to the editor.   I spend a lot of time composing responses in my head and occasionally contacting the person and/or writing a response to be published in the editorial section of the newspaper.  Since moving to Florida I have not sent any letters to the editor  but have more regularly been adding  a new blog on this web/blog page.

Recently there was a letter to the editor suggesting that we should fight the enemy on their terms and quit holding ourselves to a higher standard.  Another  article which caught my attention was about a local police officer who was arrested for a DUI recently.   When reading  both of these  (and some other articles) I felt a little fearful because I know that I am that person who has been labeled as an enemy and sharply criticized  and I am that person who has allowed myself to act without thinking through all the consequences.   It seems that I can never hear a story about someone else – one of “those”  people – doing something which is harmful to others or potentially harmful to others without knowing, at some level, that I am one of those people.  Now certainly it is true that I have never had the urge or desire to shoot  or even behead someone.  Nor have I had the urge to join a so called terrorist organization or drop a bomb.   I was, however, a member of the U.S. Navy for four years fully aware that the purpose was to learn to fight “those people”; to be prepared to fight those we might label as an enemy.  I also have never been tempted to get drunk, but only because I get physically sick prior to getting drunk.  On the other hand, is there a chance that even two glasses of wine taken on top of medication I take would cause me to be above the legal blood alcohol level for driving a car?  Certainly.   Have I ever been distracted while driving and almost hit another car or a pedestrian?  Have I even driven when I should have stopped to rest; when I was in danger of dozing off?  Yes. 

You see, my spiritual teachers, including Pema Chodron, suggests that if I  will be honest with facing myself I will know all other people. There are no “us” and “them”. 

This 32 year old young  police officer who was arrested for DUI and who has been suspended without pay obviously made an error in judgment. As far as I know he has no previous record of DUIs.  I have no idea whether he often drinks and drive or whether this was an isolated incident. Could he be an alcoholic? Certainly.  Could he be someone who just was celebrating something with friends and drank more than he normally does not realizing how drunk he was?  Certainly. Could he have been taking medication which interacted with alcohol and caused the blood alcohol level to be higher than it would have  been?  Certainly?   There is no indication of whether this man needs treatment for an alcohol problem or needs support for some other problems/issues which he is medicating with alcohol.  What we do know is that we need to  help this young man identify how he made the decision to drink more than he should have  or to identify a medical issues which contributed to  his having an accident; to just support him in accepting his humanness. What he does not need is punishment. We humans do not heal or change through punishment.  I suspect, but do not know, that this young man is similar to me and is already punishing himself for his “stupid” mistake! 

The same is true with the terrorist.  Perhaps we need to look at who the so called terrorist is as a person.   What are we doing – what am I doing – to contribute to the circumstances which lead someone to so passionately believe that they are right and that others are wrong; that others are the enemy? What allows any of us to label someone merely as the enemy; not a person who currently wants to defend their version of the truth?   To “them” I am the enemy.  To me they are the enemy.  What is the difference? Normally we would answer that I am fighting injustice or fighting the bad person(s) or the “evil” one.  I could never be like that because I m only bombing in response to …. They would say that they are only bombing/killing in response to …..

On both sides we are attempting to avoid looking at ourselves – our own humanness – and are hiding behind the labels.   Labels make the world so simple.  As is any addictive behavior it is tempting to hide behind the label; to label as  “us” and  “them” or “those people”. Yet,  my experience is that I am them/those and  must assume that they are me.

One cannot help but wonder if we humans would more consistently focus on learning to lovingly accept our own humanness (not to justify our ways of hurting ourselves and others)  as a way of exploring ways of being a more loving, compassionate person could we then join together to be a more compassionate community and just community.

Test Your Manhood
I cross my fingers and hope to die. This was in large letters at the top of a full page ad  in the Tampa Tribune one day this week.   This heading was followed by three checkboxes:

         Do you want to feel more passion?

         Do you want to enjoy higher sex drive?

         Do you want to perform better in the bedroom?

The ad is for a product which I do not need to mention, but the  promise of the ad is that taking this product will give you all these results.  I can only guess that a full-page ad in the Tampa Tribune is not inexpensive. Thus, the makers of this product must believe that this ad will sell more of its product.  

The photo in the add is of a man and woman looking very enamored with each other. They are traditionally attractive, dressed in stylish black letter jackets  and standing next to a motorcycle.

Do we men really still  think of manhood as synonymous with how often our penis gets erect and how well we “perform” in the bedroom?  Is this what is most important to men?  Is this what manhood means to our potential partners whether they be female or male?  Is this the message we want to give our sons and daughters; that as long as an adult male has an erect penis and can perform well he will be a good father, husband, friend and partner?  Really?

We humans seem  to have a very difficult time believing that just being ourselves; just doing the best we can do in doing our share of making a safe home; our share of working to make the community a safer, more loving and just place; our share of making the world a better place is good enough.   Ironically, being a more valuable person  starts with acceptance of ourselves as the human which we are.  Certainly, there is  a time in our development when it may seems as if sexual potency  or the lack thereof rules our life.  We also know it t is easy for us to convince ourselves that having more of whatever will prove our worth to others.  For example, it is easy to convince ourselves that if we, as a country, have larger guns we will be more feared and, thus, more respected and safer.

Another possible truth is that the quality of our love for ourselves, each other and mother earth may say a lot more about our manhood or womanhood  that our ability to perform or our ability to accumulate “stuff”.   Women and men that I know and respect are not impressed with the size of a man’s penis or how hard it stays and for how long. Most people to whom I talk do not care a lot about whether we make physical love well, but they care about how we show our love in our daily life together: Are we present in a loving, playful manner?  Are we dependable?  If our partner or friend or child gets sick will we be there if at all possible?

Recently I was talking with a man and woman who were vacationing in Florida about the care of his ill father.  Every day he goes to visit his parents. Every day he sits for a significant period of time and just visits. When needed, he spends the night.  His partner thinks that this behavior is a sign of his manhood.   If it is a choice between making more money and knowing he will be present, she will choose him being present every time. That is a form of making love: being present – not worrying about what one has or does not have; not  thinking of something else when she  is talking; not  reading the paper while she is sharing her day; not problem solving for her but listening; not expecting that she will fix his meal or wash his socks or whatever, but knowing that when it is important she will always have his gentle, loving attention just as his parents do.

If we look at the figures of the sale of the product in  this ad or the sales figures of “male performance enhancing drugs,” one would think that there is not a single adult male who can get and maintain an erection; one would think as long as one can “perform” for a significant period of time that then one is the perfect partner.

Personally I think that a healthy sexual relationship is great fun.  If there are products which can safely help us enjoy the physical act of sharing a sexual experience I think that is wonderful. On the other hand, some of the most loving, romantic, sensuous  men  and women I know are physically unable to have a sexual relationship involving their genitals because of some disease or permanent injury.  Yet, their partners experience them as wonderful lovers.

Let’s quit teaching our children, particularly our male children, that  manhood is about one’s size or physical performance.  (The irony is, of course, that as we age, the less we focus on performing the better we perform!)  Let’s teach our male children that loving is about showing  up with love when we are needed and showing up when we are not needed, but wanted.   Let’s teach our female children the same truths.

The Mirrors

I often think about what I understand to be the Buddhist teaching.  If I have the courage to open my eyes and face my own pain, my own joy, my own shortcoming, my own tendency to judge myself, my lustful thoughts, my “secret” sins, then I will  experience the pain, the joy, the shortcoming, the habit of judging, the lust, the secret sins of all of human kind.  Further, once I can face myself this honestly and openly without labeling myself as good or bad, I will be able to face all others openly and honestly without judgment.  Now my understanding is that  the opposite of judging is acceptance which is also love.  If I, in this sense, am  representative of all humans (perhaps all creation) then if I reject myself because of a belief that I am unworthy of love then I reject all humans and all of creation. If I reject all of creation I reject any concept of a higher power, God, universal connectedness, or whatever framework we use to conceptualize the basic “fact” of physics;  that we are one giant interdependent system.

It is with this understanding that I returned to a  very familiar Biblical passage or at least very familiar to those of us were raised to think of spirituality within the context of a Christian framework.  The passage which I quote in full below, would, at first glance, seem to imply or even state that God/Jesus is going to punish those who do not minister to the needs of the “least of those.”  The passage, as it is normally translated, states that God will separate the deserving from the undeserving.   If this is true, it could seem very spiritual for us to simply acknowledge that some of us are deserving and some are not.  Now, many so called Christians might suggest that it is up to God to determine who is deserving and who is not deserving, but my experience is that many so called Christian leaders are more than willing to assist God in deciding who is deserving and who is not.   

I have come to believe that it is we who separate ourselves. When I do not lovingly accept my own humanness, I do not lovingly accept the humanness of others. When I do not accept what, in the Christian religions is called Grace (God’s unconditional love), I am keeping myself separate.  It is not God who is keeping me separate.  

As I have previously mentioned, one of the qualities of the 12-step program which I admire is that it  suggests that we have to  be accountable for the ways we hurt ourselves and others, but it never shames us.   Shaming us would not help us be the best we can  be.  Just as using negative reinforcement in training an animal will not  allow the animal to be its best or flexible, so it does not work with humans. 

It is only by honestly, as some Buddhist would suggest, “holding ourselves in the cradle of loving kindness” that we are able to grow to be a more loving person.  

It has been my experience that all of we humans seem to believe: that we are lacking something essential; that we are not enough; that we need to find a way to prove our worth; to add to what we are. Usually we do this by convincing ourselves and possibly others that we are more powerful, more loving, more important, smarter or in some way better than  - more of something than others -which then makes us worthwhile.   Well, if at some level, this is a common characteristic of all we humans then when we notice another doing this, they are merely mirroring (helping us see) what we do. Certainly the style may be different. Perhaps I am one of those who tries earning worth by being less judgmental than all those other less spiritual beings! Oh my!  If my style of proving my worth is somehow more spiritual than the style of the bully (be that an individual or some group of people), the greedy person,  one who drives a very expensive car or  one who wears very expensive costumes…..   

It is common knowledge that if we wanted to change the bully our best chance of doing do would be to unconditionally love the bully rather than judging him or her; rather than putting them in jail (real or metaphorical).

What if the mirrors are always a blessing – a chance to practice accepting my own humanness. What if we could envision a God/higher being/universal unifying force which never punishes or separates us or treats us badly?  What if only we hold the power to separate ourselves?  What if …

Matthew 25:31-46New International Version (NIV)

The Sheep and the Goats

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

end of crossrefs

New International Version (NIV)

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