Blog Archives - Therapy or life coaching

Resurrection

3/31/2018

Resurrection

Who will push the stone

from the grave of Stephon Clark

dead from 8 bullets, 6 in the back?

Who will roll back the stone of

hate which daily crucifies “the others”?

Who will beat the sword into plowshares?

Who will give forgiveness to those who in the name of

the risen one crucifies others?

“Father forgive them for they know not

what they do”, he shouted.

Tis easy it seems to stir up the crowd

and call for justice.

Tis easy to flex one’s muscles, point fingers,

appeal to fear

to threaten annihilation.

To easy to say “America First”

not, of course, including Canada, Mexico, or South America.

Tis easy to judge Simon Peter who sleeps

or Judas who is busy spending his few pennies

alone.

Feed the hungry

Give drink to the thirsty

Welcome the stranger

Clothe the naked

Visit the sick

Visit those in jail.

Aah! Resurrection!

Written March 31, 2018

Jimmy F Pickett

The walk

3/30/2018

The walk

Many whose religious base is the Christian religion will gather today to remember the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Of course, unlike the family and friends of Jesus at the time of the crucifixion, Christians know that the death is temporary. Soon it will be Easter morning and the resurrection.

The journey of the cross is strewn with not only the painful insecurities of those threatened by the teachings of Jesus, but also by the tears and the regrets of Peter, Judas and others whose were, once again, confronted with their own human weakness.

The good news was and is that forgiveness is possible; that today all of us have another opportunity to walk the walk of unconditional love.

Last night in a Holy Thursday or Maundy Thursday service the pastor, Joel, called on the memory of Fred Rogers and one of the songs for which this simple Presbyterian Minister turned neighborhood host to children (and many adults) was known: There Are Many Ways To Say I Love You.    The last verse of the song is:
       Singing, cleaning,
       Drawing, being
       Understanding
       Love you.

Although Fred Rogers was not shy about saying “I love you.” he also knew it was an action phase which required showing up and being intentional about how action or lack of action affected others.

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood show was designed to make it appear that one could always just drop in on Fred Rogers and feel at home. Everyone was a member of the neighborhood and everyone was welcome. I cannot recall ever talking to anyone who felt as if their color, religion, sexual orientation, size, looks or any other factor kept them out of this inclusive neighborhood. I think he gave hope to millions of children that they, too, could have a safe place to be; they too could belong.

Easter for me is about having a neighborhood to which one belongs. Millions of people feel as if they do not belong; as if they are not welcome; as if there is an us and them.

I do not think it matters whether our knowledge of Grace - unconditional love – comes from the idea of a resurrected Jesus – a resurrected Christ – or a Mr. Rogers - that person who assures one that one is loved and that one belongs – a teacher, a parent, an aunt, uncle, next door neighbor, the clerk at the store, the homeless person pushing a cart, a young child, that person sitting in jail or even a minister/priest/rabbi.

Hello. I love you.

Hello. Goodness, yes I know you are human.

Hello.   Let me share my home, fix you a cup of hot chocolate, carry your groceries, take time to actually notice you, run an errand, listen when it means stopping what I had planned to do, or share my soup.

Let
       Me
              Love

                             You

Written March 30, 2018

Senicide

3/29/2018

Senicide

This morning, while at the gym, I listened to a report about the practice of an increasing number of older Japanese women who are committing petty crimes so that they can be committed to a penal institution. In prison there is not only food, a safe place to sleep and companionship, but also work. In Japan, as in many other countries, women tend to outlive men. Consequently many will often find themselves living alone. The issue is not only money, although I suspect that in Japan as in this and other countries, assisted living facilities which are able to do more than warehouse folks are beyond the means of most. A friend of mine recently looked in a relatively inexpensive part of the country to find an assisted living place for her mother-in-law. The cheapest she found was $8000.00 a month and this was not a high-end facility with staff and resources to ensure that residents lead a healthy, rich and fulfilling life. By inexpensive part of the country I mean she was not looking in expensive cities such as New York, Boston, Los Angeles, San Francisco or Seattle. There are some cities or town where there are more affordable facilities, but these places tend not to have the staff or budget to provide a holistic rich health care experience and/or can only care for a limited number.

I do know individuals who continue to live with their spouse well into there nineties and who have the physical, emotional and financial resources to lead a full and satisfying life.
This morning I heard of a Memphis sanitation worker who was one of those helped by efforts of Martin Luther King, Jr who, at 84, is still working. I have many friends who continue to work at least part time well into their eighties or nineties. They have enough financial resources and a social support system which allow them to remain in their own home.

Although senicide or gerontiide – the abandonment to death, suicide or killing of the elderly – has been practiced at times on a limited bases by some cultures, until relatively recent years most people:

Died before they reached old age.
Had, when older, respected and busy roles as elders.
Lived with or near a large extended family.

The idea or concept of retirement is a relatively new one for us humans. In 1875 in this country the first private pension plan was introduced. In 1908 the Old Age Pension Act was introduced which paid a very low amount beginning at age 70. In 1935 when the Social Security Act was passed in this country the retirement age was set at age 65. Germany first introduced retirement benefits in 1889
In the Stone Age by age 20 nearly everyone was dead. Those who lived longer were worshiped and/or eaten as a sign of respect. (Wikipedia)

I am blessed to be able to continue to do work for which I have a passion. Although I have friends who have retired most remain active in the community doing volunteer work, taking on new jobs/careers, devoting full time to their artistic work, and assuming leadership positions in the community. They feel useful and connected.

It is clear that:

Humans are, baring certain medical conditions, social animals.
Humans need a sense of purpose.
If we, as a society, are going to continue to find ways to extend the length of life only to warehouse or put people out to pasture years before they physically die we might find more people resorting to the tactics of an increasing number of Japanese woman.

If not careful we will increasingly practice a form of emotional or psychological senicide. Being physically alive while being killed off emotionally and spiritually may be the slowest and cruelest possible form of senicide.

We may want to reconsider the concept of retirement. Those performing certain jobs may indeed need to switch careers at a certain stage of their life. Some may need to reduce the number of hours they work. Some may need transportation or other assistance.

We cannot retire our need to be valued as living, functioning, contributing members of the community.

Written March 29, 2018

Grandma Fannie said: "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

3/28/2018

Grandma Fannie said: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”

Grandma Fannie was a bright, educated woman. She read constantly and would have, I am sure, embraced the wealth of knowledge available to her via the Internet. I am also sure, were alive, we would have supplanted the snail mail letter with equally erudite discussions regarding a variety of issues via email. I doubt that she would have embraced those avenues of technology, which seems to restrict one to sound bites. I have previously written about her admonition to “Say what you mean but do not say it mean.” She was also fond of saying, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”   Although she admired and loved to read those who had fun with words I do not recall her ever using the term euphemisms or using a word to dress a negative in an elegant ball gown.   This morning, while at the gym, I was listening to a news report about the seemingly frequent use of the term optics to describe an action, which was illegal, immoral, or, at best, a misuse of taxpayer money.    For example, one cabinet level person stated, “I do recognize the optics of this are not good.” referring to the revelation that he had used taxpayer money to pay for his wife’s travel with him to Europe.” Other politicians have used the term optics to describe other actions which were clearly unethical and/or illegal. When one uses terms such as optics or even the more common word appearance to describe an action one is suggesting that the action is not what it seems.

If I had said to Grandma Fannie, “I know the optics are not good regarding the fact that I told you I gathered the eggs but there were none and, yet, when you checked there were three dozen eggs.” Grandma Fannie would very clearly have said, “Young man, don’t give me any of that optics crap. You lied because you forgot or did not want to gather the eggs.”

We professionals often convince ourselves that we have honed the art of covering the lie with a colorful piece of duct tape. If representing a client in court an attorney might say, “I know it appears or the optics are that my client was stealing but, in fact he.”   A psychologist might say in a report for the court, “The optics that this person was not of sound mind, but. … “   The school counselor might say: “The optics are that I was not doing my job when I did not return phone call from a concerned parent for three days.”

Grandma’s Fannie’s would not hesitate to say to the attorney, the psychologist or the school counselor, “You use the word optics or some other euphemisms one more time and the optics will be that I used a very sharp knife to cut out your tongue.” Actually, I am not sure that Grandma Fannie would have been quite that graphic. I suspect I was thinking that of what Tyler Perry’s character Madea might have said. Her language was a bit more colorful than that of Grandma Fannie.

Grandma Fannie was not big on punishment. She was more interested in problem solving and insuring that one did not earn the label of insane by repeating the same adverse behavior over and over and over again.    The addiction recovery community is often heard to define insanity as “Repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results.”

Very bright, good humans have moments of stupidity. Grandma Fannie would suggest that we recognize those moments, own them, make amends if possible and devise a plan for behaving differently in the future.

I hope that the young people who have begun the movement now being called The March for our Lives follow the advice of Grandma Fannie – “Say what you mean and mean what you say”.

Written March 28, 2018

Who are the children?

3/27/2018

Who are the children?

One well known political figure suggested that the thousand of young people – along with some older people - who were marching and calling out our so called leaders who have allow the NRA and other donors to dictate their consciences – would do more to protect their classmates if they learned CPR. He, along with many others, have seriously questioned the maturity and, thus, the integrity of the students who organized and participated in the March for Our Life movement and who continue to be committed to being the solution rather than the problem. Now a group of young people is marching 50 miles to Paul Ryan’s house to call him out for blocking meaningful gun reform again and again. These students are committed to getting many to register to vote, voting and assuming the leadership roles that those who were entrusted with the job of leading have not done.

How do we decide when/if someone is an adult. We might consider:

When the brain is physically mature at around age 25.
When one is able to biologically become a parent – somewhere between ages 11 and 14.
When one has learned how to function socially in a particular segment of the culture.
When one is able to be financially independent and assume responsibility – this excludes many college graduates with significant college loans and who must, therefore, live with their parent(s).
When one has become spiritually mature enough to recognize their interdependence and be intentional in their behavior.
When one has developed the art of common sense.
When one can pass a logic test, i. e. If A is true and B is true then C must be true.

Normally we decide adulthood by normalizing an “age of consent. In most cultures age of consent give one the right to:

Vote,
Engage in consensual sexual relationships.
Purchase a gun.
Live independently
Join the military or be drafted.
Be employed full time at a non- family business.
Rent a car.
Enter into a contract to purchase or rent a house/apartment.

The age of consent varies depending on location/culture and type of activity. Adult status and age of consent may not match. Clearly many of the students participating in the March for our Life movement are bright, articulate, realistic, committed and ready to assume responsibility for what happens to them and others. They have a developing set of core beliefs, are seemingly open to learning and owe allegiance to no company or corporation. Many seem acutely aware that they have privilege by an accident of birth and must use that privilege wisely and compassionately.

Lest it seem as if I am nominating them for sainthood even before the reach the age of consent in many cases, they seem clear that they are young and will continue to learn. I have not heard any of them say that they are ready to drop out of school and run for political positions although they may already have more qualifications than some of those pretending to be leaders.

Perhaps these young people are challenging us to look at whether we “pretend adults” need to be mentored by these young people who are already more adult. Did we, at some point, deserve the title of adult and inadvertently, step by step, give it away to special interest groups, money or other addictions such as power, prestige, alcohol and other drugs.

Will all true adults please stand and be counted?

Written March 26, 2018

Peace through fear?

3/26/2018

Peace through fear?

I grew up in the United States often under the tutelage of the Southern Baptist Church and a family, which seem to take the message of obedience through fear very seriously. Neither Church School nor my parents suggested that we should, as do Quakers, sit and wait for discernment. There were clear rules and the goal was to learn to obey the rules. If one did not obey both the spirit and the specifics of the Ten Commandments then God would be very angry and would punish one.

One was constantly reminded of Old Testament lessons such as Psalm 111:10 “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever.”

We live in a country, which is noted for its belief in the efficacy of punishment. We consistently send more people to jail, keep them longer and have a higher recidivism rate that other so called developed nations. We continue to have capital punishment in many states and have a president who has recommended its use be extended.

John Bolton is alleged to have recently told someone from Sky News: “The surest way to avoid conflict is to have a strong military capability.” Former President Barrack Obama seemed to echo similar sentiment when recently talking about our relationship with North Korea. The former Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton and presidential candidate seemed to advocate a strong military stance as a way of forcing people to the negotiating table.

The March for Our Lives this past weekend focused on reducing availability of certain guns and keeping them out of the hands of unhealthy people. Its message was not the message of non- violence with Martin Luther King Jr. advocated. Although there was some alliance between the March organizers and those concerned about the use of police deadly force, I did not hear a clear message that it is time for the so called adults in this nation to consider a non- violent approach to local, national and international issues. Even while the March was being organized Stephon Clark was shot by Sacramento Police 20 times when he was in his back yard. True, someone had committed a crime. True the police mistook his phone for a gun. True, the police have a difficult job. They are often criticized for using too much force and for not using enough force.
Yet, even when force is necessary does it need to be deadly force?

If we feel threated, mistreated, or just unhappy with someone’s behavior we as a nation seem to be particularly fond of force or threat of force. We seem to honestly believe that humans will only “behave” if they are fearful of adverse treatment; that humans are not inherently good; that we are inherently bad and must be forced into decent behavior.

What if this is not true? What if humans are inherently good and designed to be interconnected with each other working as a “we”? What if fear and bully behavior only brings short-term peace? What if the history of our treatment of Native Americans, Women, African American and other groups only temporarily temper anger and resentment? What if the primary problem is our sincere belief in the efficacy of violence? If violence or the threat of violence is all that will keep us humans in line or get our attention then are school shooters and others who murders merely following our example?

I deeply respect and commend the young people who organized the March for Life. I deeply appreciate their focus on registering to vote and taking over the leaderships of this country. I deep respect their push to ban some weapons and increase background checks. Yet, I challenged them to take another step in exploring the ideology of non-violence.

Written March 26, 2018

Sunday Musings - March 25, 2018

3/25/2018

Sunday Musings – March 25, 2018

Sometimes when I stop to think about a week which is just ending, I list all the words, which come to mind. This list can include people, events, thoughts, feelings, or whatever caught my attention. My goal is to just look and absorb the painting, which was my life, touched by many people, places or events. Yesterday when I did this I had a running list, which took up nearly a half page of a legal sheet of papers. In most respects it was a routine week of the sounds, sights, touches, and smells of an ordinary life. There was the talk by the author of The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls, a symposium on the role of West Virginia’s involvement in the Civil war which included the fascinating history of how it became a state and the story of the battle to attempt to take charge of a law library for the newly constituted West Virginia Supreme Court. There were various news stories including further attempts to ban Transgender Troops, the March for our Lives, the new spending bill for the United States which seems to please no one or at least very few people, the seemingly endless ways which we humans hurt each other and the new season of Ear Hustle from San Quentin prison.

Yet, what stands out for me and, I suspect, most of us, are the stories, which touch our hearts. This week a couple of people I have known and loved and who have been living with active addiction are close to giving themselves the gift of the reclaiming of their lives. A couple of other people I know continue to be excited about their journey of recovery.

Another man I know just shared via social media that his 5 year old son said to him, “Daddy you can have this Snoopy for your birthday. I have two.” That brought a smile and tears. It also made me think of what I have to share. Perhaps I have two of something which someone could really use. Perhaps I have a moment to listen, to send a thinking of you note, a word of comfort, or a word of praise. I know I cannot fix another, do their journey for them, make all the pain disappear but I can share the gifts I have been given such as grace.

Ms. Walls talked about the process of acceptance of her alcoholic family of origin, which finally allowed her to accept the gifts she also received from them.

It is tempting for this human to focus on what I do not have, what I did not get, what was left undone and to forget to share the extra Snoopy I have or accept the Snoopys which have been offered.

On this Sunday when Christians celebrate the entry of Jesus to the city of Jerusalem with the symbol of the palm branches we can, perhaps, all share that extra Snoopy and accept the Snoopys which have been given to us.

Written March 25, 2018

The simplicity of love

3/24/2018

The simplicity of love

This morning I was listening to a rebroadcast of the February 22, 2009 On Being podcast entitled “The Soul in Depression.” One of Krista Tippett’s conversation partners was Parker Palmer whose books on such subjects as healing and vocation have often challenged me to think outside of the boxes by which I often limit myself. Parker Palmer as had Ms. Tippett and all of our guests for this podcast experienced a profound clinical depression. As all who have experienced that deep hole of depression know, it feels as if one cannot touch or be touched by anyone or anything, Things or acts which one may cognitively know has brought joy to one in the past is, at that time, emotionally beyond one’s experience.

When he was in the hole of depression Mr. Palmer says a friend , after asking his permission, came to visit every day, took off his shoes and socks and massaged his feet. This was a Quaker elder who knew the value of both silence and touch/connection. He did not offer advice and only occasionally offered a comment or word of comfort. Mr. Palmer says, “And the act of massaging just, you, know, in a way that I really don’t have words for, keep me connected with the human race.”

Often, if one is attempting to survive a clinical depression, the loss of a child or some other profound loss of connection, others will avoid one because they do know what to say or how to act. The truth is that often there is nothing one can say that is going to feel helpful. On the other hand, a mere presence which asks or demands nothing in returns, even a thank you, might just be the lifeline which keeps one hanging on through this period.

My experience is that the most powerful and appreciated gifts are often just a quiet presence or some simple act of care taking. In the New Testament of the Christian religion, on the day before he dies, Jesus washes the feet of the disciples. This simple act of humility which was seldom performed by a host, in my mind summarized the teachings of Jesus. Although the need to wash one’s feet or to have a servant wash one’s feet after walking through the dusty streets in sandals was common, it was not, however, a task performed by a host. The host would either give one water or have a servant bring water and, in some case, the servant washed one’s feet. Here is Jesus, the wise teacher who some would come to call the son of God, humbly washing the feet of the disciples. All that needs to be said about love – love which does not demand anything in return and which says that we are to take care of each other – that we are all equally deserving of forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love – of love that says that I am here use me – is contained in this simple act.

Whether it is two world leaders, a parent and a child, a teacher and a student, a rich person and a homeless person, a scholar and an illiterate a meeting to just care for each other might do more towards acceptance of our common humanity and our ability to work and play together than anything else we can do.

Again I am reminded that “The first shall be last and the last shall be first.” We can indeed massage/wash each others feet and in so doing reclaim our sacred connection with each other..

Loving is indeed simple.

Written March 23, 2018

The truth

3/23/2018

The truth

I attended a talk last night by Jeannette Walls who is the author of the book and the subsequent movie The Glass Castle. For those who have not seen the movie or read the book it is the true story of her life with a brilliant alcoholic father, an artist mother who had little interest or time for parenting, and siblings. Life with this family meant hunger, constant moving, and kids raising themselves and each other and all the predictable unpredictability of an alcoholic family. For years Ms. Walls pursued a successful journalist career while running from her past, which she found shameful. Once she quit running and wrote the book she was able to reclaim many of the gifts of this family including the gifts of art, dreams, and acceptance. Ms. Walls is very clear that her story is her truth and not that of her mother, dad, or her siblings.

This morning I had an email from someone I recommended watch a particular movie to help him get in touch with the anger and grief about the extreme abuse he suffered at the hands of his father.   Recently he and his wife watched another movie, which accomplished the same purpose as I had hoped the original recommendation, might. He was able to share his anger with his father in a letter, which he will take to the graveyard and read to his dad.

Many academic institutions announce over their entrance doorway that “The Truth Will Set You Free”.    Jesus is reported by John to have said, “The truth shall set you free.”

As the United States gets ready to impose new tariffs on goods from China and some other countries, there are many opinions on the truth or falsity of the claims of what this will or will not accomplish.

Often parents, including my own, tell their children, “Just tell me the truth.”   Children often figure out that in fact their parents do not want their truth. They want the truth, which will allow them to feel comfortable as parents.

During the time that I have been on this life journey many of the truths of science have changed.   Those truths are ever evolving as we humans understand more pieces of the magic of how this universe functions.

All these are good reminders for me that I only can share my truth of the moment. The truth for Jeannette Walls is that as long as she denied or ran from her own history she was always trying to prove her worth. Shame of who we are, where he came from or what we have done leaves us feeling frightened and less than. When one hides that pain we also hide the joys of life. It does seem as if all of our passion -love, hate, joy, sadness, pain, grief, and excitement – resides in the same place.   When we hide one we hide them all.

Each of us needs to own and speak our truth without confusing it with THE TRUTH. As Ms. Walls seemed to be suggesting it is very important that one not label it as good, bad, right, wrong, shameful, or any other labels.   It is just our truth.   Certainly there are aspects of her childhood which no educator or child psychologist would recommend but there were also gifts of that childhood which she could not fully acknowledge until she embraced her past and, thus, her truths. One Christmas her father took she and her siblings outside and gave them each a star for Christmas. She wanted a Venus, a planet, and he gave her that. Her truth once she let go of the shame was “He gave me Venus.”

Written March 23, 2018

The art of discernment

3/22/2018

The art of discernment

While at the gym this morning I was listening to news broadcasts about such events as the violence in Yemen. This one news story caused me to ask many questions including:

Should we as a country – the United States – be providing weapons to Saudi Arabia, which are used against the people in Yemen?
What would I be willing to do if I only had enough money to buy food for my family and myself the first few days of the month?
Is it ethical for parents to have several children when they know that they may not be able to take care of them?
If one is not having children in this situation is one participating in genocide?
Why do some of us humans choose to make a monetary profit off of the hardship of others?
Do the reforms, which the Saudi prince is instituting balance the violence that he supports or orders?
What is my moral/ethical role as a United States citizen?
What is my role as a moral/ethical citizen of the world/the universe?

I could continue this list of questions and soon I would have filled many pages. It is my responsibility to attempt to engage in the art of discernment.

If I look in the Oxford dictionary, discernment is defined as:

The ability to judge well…
(In Christian contexts) perception is the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding…

The word is technically a noun whereas discern is a verb meaning, “to perceive or recognize something”.

There are those who have often accused me of over thinking or over analyzing an issue or a concept. Yet I seem to be unable to force myself to accept a simple list of rules, which apply to any situation. For example, in this Christian season of Lent, I am invited to invited to consider what it might mean to more closely follow the example of Jesus

Discernment requires that if I am a Christian, I attempt to apply the teachings of Jesus to the situation in Yemen. I must attempt to put myself in the shoes and heart of Prince Mohammed bin Salman. I must attempt to put myself in the shoes and heart of the shopkeeper who is selling food and other necessities for more money than most refugees have. I must attempt to put myself in the shoes of refugee father, mother and children. I must attempt to put myself in the shoes of those deciding to sell or give weapons to Saudi Arabia.

Discernment does not insist that I have “the answer”. Discernment does require that I be open to the sometimes-painful process of attempting to articulate the questions, which need to be asked. It requires that I come to terms with and accept the limitations of my human wisdom.

I am reminded of living with those so-called “primitive” people who will kill an animal for food or use a plant for food. Yet before they eat or drink they give some back to Mother Nature as a sign of gratitude. It is with a deep sense of humility and gratitude that they accept the gifts from Mother Nature.

The art of discernment requires humility and a gratitude, which does not come naturally to this human. It requires that I suspend judgment and, yet, make decisions and act.

Written March 22, 2018