It seems difficult to have a discussion about what would be considered slutty dress/costuming without someone accusing one of blaming the victim for someone coming on to one or even assaulting one sexually. Actually, there is even disagreement about the terms sexual assault and sexual harassment. I sometimes have a difficult time determining the current acceptable politically correct line between the two.
Although it may be much fun to dress provocatively on Halloween, during the Margi Gras, or during a few other public celebrations, it would seem that the politically correct stance is to insure that it is clear that no matter what message one wants to convey with the mode of dress, it is not politically, morally, or otherwise appropriate or even legal to continue any sort of playful or serious sexual banter or act if one wants to approach one romantically or sexually. Apparently we need to teach our children that sexual encounters are to be conducted in a very unemotional and adult manner. One can imagine the following conversation:
X: Excuse me, but I could not help but notice that your right nipple has seemed to slip out of the light covering of your dress.
Y: Many thanks. Actually, I find the cool breeze on my nipple very pleasurable.
X: I am very pleased that you find that pleasurable. I certainly did not want to assume that you were communicating any sexual interest.
Y: Thank you. You may feel the firmness, which results from the breeze.
X: Oh yes. It is quite interesting how the blood flow changes in response to certain stimuli.
If X were to assume anything other than scientific interest he could, of course, be accused of sexual harassment. It would be sexist and inaccurate to assume that only females dress to appear sexually attractive. Male clothing and style of dress varies from the baggy, asexual look with underwear showing to the current slim, tight fitting, sock stuck in the crotch to make it appear that one has a big “basket.” (Yes, Virginia, men do this.) One does not want to assume, however, that a large protrusion in the area of a man’s crotch is an invitation to approach him sexually. If, however, one notices that the crotch has slipped to his lower thigh one might or might not safely alert him to his costuming faux pas.
Also, while we are on the subject of male costumes, one should be aware that sandpapering the crotch area of one’s jeans to suggest great strain from the pressure of one’s generous endowment is not – I repeat is not – an invitation to stare at the crotch of that person. On the other hand, to not notice the suggestion might, if one is the right gender and a person of interest, is also a social faux pas.
I have had female clients who are professionals (teachers, doctors, attorneys) coming to my office from their workplace dressed in very high heels, patterned hose, very short skirts, and lot of cleavage or a tight sweater and then complaining that their colleagues are sexually harassing them or treating them as sexual objects. My response usually is, “When someone is as attractive as you, it may be necessary to dress down a bit.” The response in my head, if I am honest, is: “Perhaps if you quit dressing like a slut who is sexually available, men would quit treating you as a slut.” (They might slap me, accuse me of sexual harassment, or pull out their concealed weapon, which they legally carry, and shoot me. Their defense would be that I was sexually harassing them.)
Obviously if one is indeed emotionally and sexually a slut and not just a tease, one might subtlety invite another into one’s sexual space. On the other hand, at any point in the developing relationship it is the prerogative of either party to announce stop and have a reasonably expectation that drunk or sober (high or not high) the activity will stop. Just so everyone is perfectly clear, anything short of stopping even if a second away from climaxing will be considered rape. Failure to immediately clothe the now offending organ (s) will be considered indecent exposure which is punishable (jail time and possible placement on the sexual offender’s list).
Perhaps the problem is that the term slut is no longer helpful or useful term. I turn to Wikipedia. There I discover:
Slut is a term applied to an individual considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous. It is generallypejorative
, and is most often used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement against girls or women. [1][2][3]It originally meant "a dirty, slovenly woman", [3] and was occasionally used to refer to men, requiring the clarification term of male slut. The first person to use this word was Geoffrey Chaucer in "The Canterbury Tales". He says, "Why is thy lord so sluttish, I thee pray, And is of power better clothes to bey." He is referring to the man's untidy appearance. The word has also been used to refer to dust bunnies but they were called "slut bunnies". [4] "However, there have been attempts to "reclaim" the word for girls and women, and some individuals embrace the title as a source of pride.”
Well. There we have it. If a person has co-opted the term they may use it to describe themselves either as they are or as they would like to me. Thus, one could proudly proclaim one’s slut status or one’s slut want-to-be status. Then and only then would it be politically correct to suggest that the young woman of average mental ability who is sitting in her short skirt with legs spread apart and her vagina showing because she is not wearing underwear is a slut. It would also be politically incorrect and insensitive to suggest that the woman wearing a thong and a one half-inch bikini top is inviting one to view her mammary glands. She is not being sluttish unless, of course, she is proudly proclaiming her slut status.
I have also noted in the men’s locker room that a man taking a long time to towel himself while seemingly proudly sporting a full erection is not an invitation to notice him sexually unless, of course, it is an invitation to notice one sexuality.
So, the question still remains, “When is it okay to approach another for the purpose of a possible exploration of emotional and spiritual connection which could eventually lead to an appreciation of the sexually attractive attributes of the person?” Perhaps, if one confines oneself to what are known as “hook up” sites, the express purpose of which is to identify another person who wants to get together for mutual sexual pleasuring, one is safe in making sexual overtures. Wrong! One might get chided, criticized, and eventually barred from the site for treating someone as a sexual object or offering oneself as a sexual object.
Goodness. It does all seem rather complicated. Perhaps we could all consider leaving something to the imagination in terms of costume and allowing for the possibility that unless we are sure that we want a sexual relationship, we probably should not appear in public with it all hanging out and innocently accepting an invitation to view someone’s etching at 2 a.m. Perhaps if we are approached and we are not interested, we could politely say: “No thank you.” If someone is more aggressive, we could borrow from the lyrics of the Etta Jones song “Hittin on me,” “The last man who did that has been dead since 1983.”
Let’s me bevery clear. Rape is rape is rape. Rape is not about horny, drunken folks miscommunicating. Rape is not about sex at all. It is about control. Let me say that again. Rape is not about sex. It is about control.
Perhaps a few basic rules would be helpful.
1. Unless one is in residence at a nudist camp or in the privacy of one’s own home, it is better not to allow it to all hang out.
2. Do not get drunk or high unless one is not an addict and unless one is with someone who is clear one wants to have a sexual relationship to the point of mutual climaxing and one is willing to assume responsibility for a possible pregnancy or STD.
3. If one is going to use one’s sexual appeal to get ahead at the office, be upfront about it and take responsibility for the consequences.
4. Own one’s outer and inner sluttiness and take responsibility for the same.
5. If someone exposes himself or herself to someone who is not interested in viewing said member, start singing “Three Blind Mice” with or without props.
6. One should not assume that ass cracks, crotch shots, and nipples of females are going to be simply the subject of scientific curiosity when out in the general public.
7. Hook up sites are hook up sites. They are not a church social or even match.com. The goal is not to get a mate. They goal is to have sex with no commitment other than mutual pleasure (mutual if one is lucky).
8. Invitations to see one’s etching, vacation photos, artwork, and decorating scheme at midnight after a night of drinking are invitation to have sex. Period.
9. Safe sex is not skipping the condom because someone was disease free yesterday and has a medical certificate to prove it.
10. There is no safe sex if one is drunk or under the influence of any other drug.
11. Slutty dreams and fantasies are safe.
I am sure that others can add to this list. You can call me old fashioned, a prude, or a person who does not want to be Bubba’s playmate in the state or federal pen for the next five years. Yes, we can treat most STD but it is expensive, not always successful, and has a very negative affect on future parenting possibilities.
Written October 31, 2015
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