Priorities
 
This morning I listened to a podcast with host Sean Illinig and his guests.  Anne Helen Petersen and her partner Charlie Warxel who discussed their new book Out of Office The Big Problem and the Bigger Promise of Working from Home.  I strongly encourage the reader to listen to the podcast and read the book.  Ms. Petersen and Mr. Warxel identify many of the questions which we in the United States need to ask ourselves about our view of and our relationship with work.   They point out that many of us in the United States accept that we are defined by the work we do.  They are also interested in how working remotely from home has affected and/or changed that acceptance. 
 
When talking about remote work and how it may have changed some of us, it must be emphasized that we are talking about a relatively elite group of people.  Line health care workers, warehouse workers, grocery store employees, equipment operators, pilots, military personnel, and a host of others did not have the option of remote working.
 
Most of  those who go to a work site other than home do spend some time socializing. For many this may be their only social time outside of immediate family.  Even time spent in close proximity to immediate family may be spent doing various chores.  Many of us have a never-ending list of chores we feel we need or want to accomplish.   One example is the family who arrives home after a long day of school, work and after school sports, music, dance or other activity which are meant to enrich the lives of the children and/or give them a leg up in their adult life.  They arrive home at 9 or 10:00 p.m. at night without having had their dinner or having done chores or homework .  Someone in the family assumes the responsibility for getting a damn healthy meal for the damn family.  By the time the damn family members grab their meal they are tired, grumpy and will get little nutritional values out of the meal because they are stressed. This negates digestion.  I often suggest to such families that (1) they reconsider scheduling so many activities  and (2) they make their goal when they get home to visit/play as a family while incidentally throwing a meal together.  On the surface the meal might be less nutritious but, the body is likely to get more nutritional value out of it because all are  more relaxed.   If one must do chores/homework after the meal one can set better priorities and be more efficient.
 
When our goal is to complete a task, we often ignore people.  I have often sat in a business meeting when a member of the team who arrives late is ignored. I almost always stop to greet the new arrival. 
 
When I go shopping my goal is to be intentional about greeting the store personnel and asking how they are doing. I have lived in many cultural settings such as the Jewish part of Pittsburgh. In that setting my Friday was devoted to visiting.  I would visit the butcher and incidentally get some meat. Then I would visit the folks at the greengrocer and incidentally get vegetables I wanted.  Front there I would visit with the book seller, the florist and possibly the drug store and/or the hardware store personnel.  The focus was on visiting.  Since that was the cultural norm, few people got impatient.  
 
In every culture there are genuine emergencies such as fires, floods, earthquakes and other situations which demand immediate attention but even then, relationships can take priority.
 
From what I have read and from antidotes of those I know who work in a fire department the level of care for self and others is very high.  Whether in the firehouse preparing a meal, shopping for groceries or on the scene of a fire treating each other and the people at the fire scene with respect and love is paramount.  Rescue and safely is paramount.  Putting out or containing the fire is very important but attempting to save lives is of primary importance.
 
When we make relationships the priority and incidentally do a task it is a win win for all.    Although I can appreciate getting something from Amazon in a timely manner, I would personally be willing to wait a few more days if I knew the warehouse workers assembling orders were treated as if they are important people and not machines who must ensure same day shipping! 
 
Many companies or organizations like deadlines.   Many thrive on ratings and competition.  There is enormous pressure to compete and to keep getting larger/being more productive/having more sales.  Ms. Petersen and Mr. Warxel do a good job of elucidating the downside of such an approach to this life dance. 
 
Living through a pandemic in his century has provided an opportunity to open the box of questions regarding out attitude and beliefs about work.   Perhaps it is time to remind ourselves that the only reason for “work” is to enrich the lives of all of us members of the community - the body politic.
 
Written November 29, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
C9oachpickett.org
 
 ​

 
Sunday Musings - November 28, 2021
Welcome to Advent and Hanukkah
 
Advent for Christians is a time of looking forward to the anniversary of the date set aside to celebrate the birth of Jesus and his radical teachings.  It is also a time to look forward to what many Christians believe is the second coming to “judge the quick and the dead” to bring believers home.
 
Hanukkah is the celebration of what is now called the Festival of Lights.  It is a time to celebrate the story of the victory of a small group of rebels (the Maccabees) over the Syria army in 165 B.C.E.  It is a time when the light of joy, family, and more recently the sharing of charitable donation and a commitment to tikkun olam (overcoming all forms of idolatry and for some Reform Judaism as an aspiration to behave constructively and beneficially.) is celebrated.  This year Hanukkah lasts from November 28 to December 6.  
 
Light is often a metaphor for truth, love, kindness, and respect.  It is the overcoming of the fear that we humans are unworthy or that we have to earn love and worthiness.  It is the overcoming of our displacement of fear onto other people, places, things, groups and countries.  In the Christian tradition the teachings of Jesus proclaim a new acceptance of humans as we are - the concept of Grace or unconditional love which does not have to be earned or begged for.  It is the letting go of judgment - of thinking that one has a system by which one can accurately measure and rank order shortcomings and the ways we hurt ourselves, each other and Mother Earth. 
 
For some Jews, Hanukkah and other Jewish celebrations were demonstrated by the immediate forgiveness of a shooter  by the Rabbi and other members of the temple in Pittsburgh following a terrible shooting.  It is demonstrated by those Jews who are determined to make peace and share land and other resources with the Palestinians.   For some Jews victory means victory over one’s anger, desire for revenge or punishment of those they have labeled as enemies. For others victory may mean protecting their homeland by any means available. Almost universally it is a time for the gift of family.
 
Likewise, for some Christians, the teaching of Jesus is demonstrated by the forgiveness of the shooter by the church members at the A.M.E. Church in Charleston, S.C. For some, it is the teaching of those such as Father Greg Boyle who believes that pain drives every so-called bad behavior.  For some it is following the example of Jesus who did not judge or withhold love from the prostitute and who embraced the humaneness of the motley crew of disciples.  It is the leading the way towards what some Buddhists would suggest is letting go of the temptation of dualities - labeling as good/bad, right/wrong, worthy/unworthy.   It is the courage of folks such as Bryan Stevenson and others who call for a different understanding of Justice in this country; to quit incarcerating the mentally ill - all those who are unable, for whatever reason, to consider the needs of others.  It is the call to let go of the temporary, addictive like feeling of satisfaction when we sentence another to punishment or even death.
 
The challenge for me in this year of 2021 is to notice and let go of judgment and other behavior which leads to darkness; behavior which dishonors the teachings of Jesus; behavior which redefines victory as the courage of non-violence; that proclaims as does Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s book, Native Son, “You can’t do nothin but kill me and that ain’t nothin.”
 
Happy Hanukkah.   Happy Advent.   May we embrace the light and, thus, the courage to strive for long term victory over our mistreatment of each other and Mother Earth.
 
Witten November 28, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
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Thanksgiving 2021
 
On this date in the United States a day of Thanksgiving is celebrated.   For  far too many in the United States and other countries this is another day during which basic survival orchestrates the day.  Some of these may have been the recipients of a meal from a facility which serves the homeless or those too poor to host a meal.  Some may have been the recipients of a Thanksgiving basket containing the items for what has become a traditional holiday meal.  Many will remain hungry.  Some are what is euphemistically referred to as food insecure or food challenged.
 
Many in the retail industry are busy preparing for the “black Friday” sales, the ideal for which was first suggested by the then President Franklin Roosevelt during the Great Depression in the United States.
 
It was in 1621 that a member of the Abenaki tribe brought a member of the Pawuset Tribe to teach the mal-nourished pilgrims how to cultivate corn, extract sap from maple trees, catch fish and avoid poisonous plants .
 
In 1863 Abraham Lincoln asked United States citizens to ask God to “commend to his tender care all those who have become widowers, orphans , mourners, and sufferers in the lamentable civil strife and to heal the wounds of the nation.”   He scheduled the last Thursday of the month for Thanksgiving.  This remained the date until 1939.
 
For over 796, 300 families in these United States this will be a day of mourning for those who have died as a result of covid.  For many others, murder, suicide, addiction and a host of other causes have ended the life journey of loved ones.
 
Untold thousands or even millions knock, knock, knock at border doors begging for a place to safely make a home.
 
A growing number this Thanksgiving have made the tough decision that working for a minimal wage which does not even cover basic expenses is no longer an option.  For others,  eviction is threatening to determine their future.  For some employers it is not business as usual as they struggle to hire and retain employees in a system which unequally rewards some while expecting others to be grateful for the left over crumbs.
 
It is a day when many will feel safe enough to gather with blood and intentional family members to share a lovingly prepared feast.  Some will take time to audibly give thanks for each other, their shared bounty, and for the opportunity to live at a time when we in this country are being openly invited to celebrate amazing achievements as well as to mourn the grave failure of his nation to include all men, women and children in the “All men (read people) are created equal” of our Declaration of Independence. (“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”)
 
Increasingly, for many, it will be a rainbow gathering inclusive of many colors, sexual orientations, genders, ages, occupations and class.  For some, however, it will continue to be a gathering of exclusion. 
 
For me it will be a quiet day of reflection.  I am acutely aware that I am a privileged white male who has had an opportunity to do work for which I feel a passion, to get the health care I need to survive and even thrive.   I am aware that I am not more or less deserving than others.  I am reminded that to him/her much is given, much is to be demanded/expected. 
 
Just for today it is a day which demands I remain humbly grateful; a day on which I  must express my gratitude for all those who love me as the very imperfect human I am; to the sun, the moon, other planets, the insects, plants, animals, environmentalists, artists, dancers, and truth seekers who nourish me.
 
I am a citizen of these States, the state of Oklahoma, the continent of North America, the planet earth, and this universe.  I am first and foremost a citizen of the universe to which I owe primary allegiance.  I do not owe allegiance to a political party, a religious institution, or even a blood line.  I owe allegiance to that which defines me; a communal human being living as a guest on planet earth.
 
 
Written November 25, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 ​

Grandma Fannie says, “Hate the sin and not the sinner.”


When, as a child, I heard Grandma Fannie and others say “Hate the sin and not the sinner. “I often felt it was difficult to separate the sin from the sinner.  It certainly sounded to me that the often-hurled words included both the sin and the sinner. For example, this warning was frequently applied to addiction, homosexual behavior, any sexual behavior outside of marriage, so called laziness and a host of other behaviors which many religious people were convinced was going to result in the sinner being assigned to hell for eternity.  Apparently, from my young perspective, God did not make a distinction between the sinner and the sin although church folks were eager to remind everyone that the sinner could repent and commit to refraining  from further sin.  Of course, one was also reminded that, as a human, one was constantly sinning and, thus, had to continuously repent least one be suddenly struck dead and miss the small window of opportunity to repent.


In this year 2021 in the United States and other countries, the distinction between the sin and the sinner seems to be practically non-existent.   Although we may not use the words sin and sinner, we seems to find it easy to be convinced that there are simply good and bad people; people deserving to live and those deserving to die, those deserving to be incarcerated for a lifetime or be deprived even of a cell and be left out in the elements.   We recently had a president who seemed to thrive on separating people into the deserving and undeserving,  we now have a “liberal” president and Vice President whose political language and history continue to separate people into the deserving and undeserving although they may, to their credit, put more people into the deserving than did the former president.  We have a Vice President whose political success, as a prosecutor,  depended on obtaining as many convictions as possible. We have a president who seemingly finds it easy to point fingers at the enemy who is obviously on the wrong side for the same behavior we, as a country, claim, is pleasing to the God of one’s understanding.


Daily I receive many emails and text messages which ask me to contribute to defeating the enemy (the other side).  Very often the opponents are described as those who are, at best, wrong, or even evil. 


Euphemistic sayings translate into suggesting violent behavior towards President Biden. There are  claims requiring vaccinations are denying one their freedom to drain our health care system and infects others.  There is defense of those who shoot those who are desperate enough to steal money or property or even those who have the audacity to walk in certain neighborhoods.  There is demonizing of those who are hopeless about continuing to work for a non-living wage while the top management people of the same company are paid millions/billions.  We act as if the term capitalism justifies charging hundreds of dollars for a $15.00 EpiPen or thousands monthly for a drug to treat dementia.


Some of us may still go to place of worship and declare “We have sinned and fallen short the glory of god,” but once outside those doors we are soldiers determined to rid the world of the sinner who is his or her sin.  The very term sinner seems to refer to that poor sucker who is not able to step outside of that house of worship and put on the armor of God’s soldiers and carry the non-assault assault rifle.


Socialism which is consistent with the teaching of most gods or wise spiritual teachers has become synonymous with “Unamerican, traitor, communist and the evil ones deserving of death”.


Ram Dass said, “We are all just walking each other home.”. In fact, perhaps we have decided that before we walk each other home we need to separate the wheat from the chaff.  We will walk the wheat home.


Perhaps we need to fess up to the fact that we are all fearful, stubbing, bumbling humans who feel as if we are walking in the dark and merely knocking whatever impediments we encounter out of the way.   Perhaps we need to open to the possibility that those impediments are our neighbors who are also attempting to find their way through the often-dark passage of this journey.  Perhaps,  covid notwithstanding, we need to lean across the aisle for the hand of our brother and sister.   Perhaps we need to toss aside the word sin and acknowledge that we are all capable of and do hurt each other. Perhaps we can consider laying down our guns, legislative weapons and poisoning words and embrace the fact that we will all perish together or die together; embracing the reality that we need each other.


Perhaps we need not hate the sin and love the sinner but accept that some behaviors facilitates the working system of this planet and even the “universes” and some behavior does not.  Perhaps even Grandma Fannie would agree that we best be careful about labeling behavior as sin and people as sinners.  Perhaps even Grandma Fannie  with her love of learning would suggest that we celebrate our common goal of being our best communal selves. 


Written November 24, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday Musings - November 21, 2021


In part, thanks to Krista Tippett and the folks who create the On Being podcast, I have been thinking a lot about hope.  This week’s On Being podcast features  Pico Iyer in conversation with Elizabeth Gilbert.


Ms. Gilbert quotes verse 13 of the Tao Te Ching “Hope is as hollow as fear.”  I understand this as a reminder that internal peace is achieved only when we can allow ourselves to be fully present; not thinking of the past or the future and not assigning a value to the moment. My Buddhist teacher would suggest the same. All just is. I can greet what is with love, resentment, hate, joy or a myriad of emotions, all of which imply a judgement, or I can be quietly present with an open heart.


Research consistently shows that the most valuable tool of the physician is his or her ability to listen – to be present.  This is also true for clergy/spiritual teachers, other teachers, parents and counselors.   For example, I want to be open to seeing the pain or fear beneath anger. I must be willing to be present to pain without accepting the invitation to try it on.  I often use the musical concept of transpose with those whose outer garment is anger.  I can choose to attend to the anger or other pushing away emotion which is only going to increase the emotion  or i can choose to attend to the underlying pain. If I choose to attend to the pain I can choose to feed it or I can be quietly present with it.  Obviously, i can only be quietly present to the pain of others if I have practiced being quietly present with my own pain.  


Often, the easiest pain I face is physical pain. To be sure pain is pain.  If you slowly physically torture me I am going to experience it as excruciating pain.  It is doubtful that I will ever be emotionally or spiritually advanced enough to stay conscious and disassociated enough to not experience the physical torture as pain. Yet, emotional pain is often more intense. Emotional pain is always connected to expectations about past or future behavior.  For example, I expect my son to play his role in my version of the  “Leave it to Beaver” sitcom.   When he does not I may tell myself I am grievously hurt or disappointed.  


I continue at times to give power to others to determine my worth or my state of mind.   I am not always healthy enough to prevent myself from giving away this power. I am now, thankfully,  at some level, always aware that my negative  or hurtful response is because of my expectations.   While it is true I may decide to create distance to negative energy, it is always because if I stay I will add to the negative energy.  My evolution is  such that I cannot be with certain energy and hold on to my peaceful center.  That is not wrong or right. It just is. I could hope tomorrow I will be healthier.  I could hope tomorrow the world will be closer to the design I have created.  I could hope tomorrow all politicians will want to listen to each other and will work for the common good.  I could hope tomorrow I will have the perfect human partner who takes none of my negative human behavior personally. 


At most, my life journey which measures 81 years on the Gregorian calendar, is 1 second long.  In that second nothing matters except how I respond to what is.  In that moment all is perfect in its imperfection. There is no next moment. Now is this moment.  Since I began writing it has always been this moment.  There is no other.


“Hope is as hollow as fear.”


Written November 21, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
oachpickett.org

For a moment love wins
 
On a November evening in Georgia
 
The cypress trees invited the wedding party
 
The wedding canopy
 
          the sky
 
                  a gigantic chuppah
 
We gathered in our robes of many colors
 
         Black, white, yellow and all the hues of the rainbow
 
         Joyful people ignoring genders
 
         Young, old, abled, differently abled.
 
         Rich and poor
 
         Needing no religious labels other than children of the universe       
 
         A continuum of thinkers whose political affiliations did not define.
 
We gathered under the chuppah to celebrate love
 
We promise to love, support and cherish
 
         In sickness and in health
 
         In easy times and hard times
 
         In rich and poor times.
 
We become the promise
 
         Of the sword becoming the plowshare.
 
We break bread
 
We dance
 
We laugh
 
Our love is multiplied 70 x 7
 
 Reaching to kiss the sky.
 
Hope is restored.
 
The gods declare
 
         “Well done.”
 
For a moment love wins.
 
Written November 13, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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 Sunday Musings - November 14, 2021
 
Today I have been thinking about the seemingly contradictory facts that all in the universes are part of an amazing system and events in our day to day lives are governed largely by chance.  
 
A couple of days ago I was driving to Georgia for a wedding to be followed by visits with friends and clients in Florida.   In the Atlanta area I was driving later than planned. Good sense finally prevailed, and I stopped to get gas and look for a motel.  The road was very dark and I hit something in the road which I did not see causing considerable damage to  the car.    The fact that I got off on that exit and was on that road at that moment when that object was on the road and the car connected in the way it did was pure chance.  If I had gotten off on the exit before or after that, turned left instead of right when I got off on the exit, gotten gas at the first overpriced gas station I saw, or any of a multitude of other possibilities the outcome would have been different. 
 
Daily I am acutely aware that all the decisions and the consequent actions I take have far reaching consequences.  The events which happen, who and what I encounter, and the events which flow out of those encounters which in turn affect an entire system of future events are all because of the seemingly random nature of unfolding events.   There are those, of course, who would maintain that nothing happens by chance; that all unfolds as it is intended to unfold; that there is some master plan.  I am not convinced of that, but do appreciate the fact that all is so interconnected that every action I take or do not take results in a chain of actions which reverberate throughout the universe.
 
I realize that one could be immobilized by this knowledge.   One could be so fearful of making decisions which have seemingly negative consequences for any number of people and the universe as a whole that one decides to remain in one’s room and keep one’s world as small as possible.  Yet, the risks one does not take; the opportunities one does not embrace; the  people one does not encounter also results in a chain of events.
 
I often think of the six degrees of separation rule.  This rule suggests that, on the average, there are only six degrees of separation between any of us and every other person in the world.   Sometimes this is more and sometimes this is less, but the point is I know someone who knows someone who ….     A man I met at a conference in Boston later invites me to the home of a person who has direct connection to the Queen of England.  There was a myriad of decisions which each of us made to lead to the encounter with this vicar to the Queen.  Any deviation would have had different outcomes, but all would have led to potential connection to another group of people.  The fact that this weekend I will connect with people in Australia, Indonesia, and a host of other places via the magic of the internet are a result of past decisions I have made and those I have not made.
 
Daily I am conscious of the power of the decisions I make which will have consequences I cannot predict.   Later today I will attend a wedding of the daughter of a friend I met years ago.  We met by chance following some events in her life.  I was in a place which made our meeting possible because of  decisions I had previously made which affected the decisions my ex-wife made. 
 
I could fill pages attempting to draw a sociogram which depicted all the people and events leading up to my attendance at this wedding.  The bride and groom could each make complicated sociograms leading to this wedding. Each of the other wedding guests could make similar sociograms depicting events/decisions which culminate in us all being witnesses to the commitment ceremony of this couple. 
 
My intention today is to be aware that each look, touch, smile, frown, word, decision to look up, down, to be  distracted or attentive could sprout wings and travel around the universes and perhaps the universes.  If I choose to be joyfully present with love I do not need to be concerned with the trajectory of that love.   It is enough to know I have done my part in making love the operant or dominant force.   I do not need to be concerned with yesterday or tomorrow. It is enough to be as fully present as possible and to trust each moment will blossom into an enormous bouquet of events. Chance and the amazing interconnectedness of all events will determine the future.   I need not be concerned over that which I have no power while acknowledging that how I show up to the chance encounters today affects the chance encounters of the universe(s).
 
Written November 13, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
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Grandma Fannie says “You can catch more flies with honey than sugar.”
 
Grandma Fannie did not originate the sage reminder about catching more flies with honey than vinegar.  
 
We know that Grandma Fannie was not just talking about flies and their various cousins. She knew that if we want to change behavior we will not use the verbal equivalent of vinegar.   We will use honey.  Yet it seems as if us humans so often fail to grasp and apply this existential and eternal truth to our interactions with each other. We continue to attempt to change behavior by using the metaphorical equivalent of vinegar.  We often focus on increasing rather than decreasing friction.
 
On the November 1, 2021 episode of the Hidden Brain podcast with host Shankar Vedanta, entitled “The Obstacles you don’t see.” organizational psychologist Loran Hordgren explains why failing to identify and reducing friction is often what prevents forward progress in relationships,  sales goals, sports, or mechanical devises.  For example, aside from gunpowder what propels a bullet forward or hinders its objective are such factors as air currents, the design of the shell, and the condition of the cylinder.   Any of these can affect the amount of friction.   If one is attempting to convince members of the public to wear a seat belt or get a vaccination and one does so by ordering or punishing, one is likely to encounter resistance. Even those who might have been leaning in the favor of the activity might respond by pushing back.   The resulting tension is now about freedom of choice - not being told what to do - rather than about  public safety.
 
In relationships, whether they be romantic, other family, work or community we often attempt to effect change by reciting a litany of past “sins”, punishing behavior or some other push against the person.   We might even say, “Just tell me the truth and I won’t be angry.” all the while obviously choosing the sharpest stone we can find for our slingshot.   This behavior almost already creates increased friction.  Increased friction does not result in reconciliation or a problem solving discussion. 
 
 
If a family or a couple employs me to help them determine if there is enough of a shared base to build or rebuild a relationship I insist that they clarify and stick to their goal. I let them know that if their overt or covert goal is to create more hurt or tension then I will not work for or with them.  There is no point in hiring me to bear witness to their well practiced skill in creating further hurt or injury.   While I appreciate the fact that some people have been storing up hurt for a long time by the time they find their way to my office, couple counseling or family therapy is not an appropriate place to verbally or otherwise vomit.  If one must vomit I suggest they do that in private and never with or on their partner. If one needs me to witness their vomit they are welcome to send me an email or even a voice mail with a clear indication that it is vomit and my only role is to witness.
 
I will work for or with couples and families only if their goal is: 
 
o   Healing of the couple or family system
 
o   The design and practice of building a loving and practical family system.       
 
o   Coaching to design a loving and fair separation/divorce model.
 
I further insist that the couple or family members agree or work toward:
 
o   Staying in the moment - no rehashing of past behavior.  No score keeping.
 
o   Staying focused on positive requests, i.e I want or need to share in parenting of children.  Not, “I want you to shut up when I am attempting to teach the children something or making a request of them .”
 
o   No negative name calling or demeaning statements to anyone in the family.
 
o   Active listening to each other - no advice unless asked for.
 
o   Acceptance of sincere apologies .     
 
o   Sincere attempts to not repeat the same negative behavior.
 
o   Family/couple meetings to problem solve with no assumptions that one’s opinion or approach is right.  At the same time making a sincere effort to respect each other’s expertise.
 
o   No physical hitting or intimidation.  This includes throwing  or smashing objects in anger.
 
o   Asking for time out when getting upset with commitment to finish discussion at specific time and date.
 
o   Owning upset without blaming other person.
 
o   Asking for problem solving meeting if distribution of work feels unequal without accusations.
 
o   No using sex instead of sincere amends.   No expectations that sex makes up for hurtful statements or behavior.
 
During the course of therapy/healing any of those involved may ask for additional rules or guidelines. There may be specific behaviors or statements which are particularly triggering for one of the participants. 
 
Written November 8, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 ​

 
Sunday Musings - November 7, 2021
Raising children
 
In the United States many communities, including some states, have just elected new government officials.   In at least one state the new governor ran, in part,  on the assertion and the promise that parents are best equipped to make decisions about the care and education of their children.  This applies to decisions about such issues as vaccinations and whether one teaches a redacted or even false version of history and gender. 
 
The story line is the majority of children are living with two reasonably healthy parents who want the best for all in the community. This story lines about the makeup of families  may be inaccurate.
 
In fact, in a November 2019 Forbes article by Soulalaima Goulami  entitled “What does have a ‘real’ family mean.” states that researchers have found as many as 2/3 of children are living in a non-traditional household.
 
statista.com reports that in 2020 15.31 million children were living with a single mother in the United States and about 3.27 million were living with a single father.   According to. 2019 Pew study about 1/4 of children in the United States live with one parent with no other adults in the home.  Of those 3/4 living with 2 parents a significant number are living in a home where at least one parent is actively addicted and/or living with untreated or minimally treated mental illness.
 
This means that a very significant percentage of children are living with a parent or parents who are severely impaired due to illness, exhaustion or some combination of factors.  Ifoster.com reports that in November of 2020 approximately 424,000 children were living in a foster home.  Roughly 50% of those were living with a non-relative.  The average age of these children was 6 1/2.
 
Some researchers report up to 250,000 children are tried and incarcerated as adults every year in the United States and over 76,000 more are incarcerated as juveniles.  They number is higher in many reports.  Other studies indicate an average of 2.5 million children have at least one currently incarcerated parent.
 
One can debate specific statistics but in all the studies there is a clear indication a relatively few number of children in the United States are living in a healthy, stable two parent household or in a healthy, stable, one parent household.  When one talks about parents being the best people to make decisions about the health and education of their children there is almost never any acknowledgment that this may or may be be true for at at minimum of  50% of children.   If we additionally include those legally assigned parental rights whose decisions are guided by misinformation, prejudice/hate, or other factors which  work against building a healthy community, one wonders why any educated person would think that parents or parent figures are necessarily the best equipped to make health and educational decisions for children.  Yet many individuals, including some called family experts, maintain that the nuclear family is best equipped to raise children and to make ethical and healthy decisions about the health and education of their children. 
 
There are communities in which most children live in a one or two parent home, but the care of the children is a community event.  There is still, in some communities, the tight knit church family where childrearing is a community event. In these communities my sense is that there are generally shared value systems and, thus, general agreement how to discipline/teach and what to teach.  There may still also be that relatively rare Madera figure who fulfills the Solomon role and has absolute authority. 
 
I personally know some very heathy and loving parents who are committed to making decisions about the health and education of their children which take into account the health and welfare of the entire community. Sadly, for some of the reasons I have mentioned that is often not the norm.
 
Nuclear family, parents, and values are words which are great sound bites for politicians at any level of government.   These words are similar to “gun rights” or “second amendment rights”.  They are very close to being tautologies. The sound as if they have a shared meaning and provide a base from which to begin a discussion but do, they really? If we set aside the sound bite for a moment, is it remotely possible for us to articulate some core questions? Question such as:
 
o   Do we want to strive to honor the preamble to the Declaration of Independence?  “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
 
o   Do we want to strive to honor the preamble to the Constitution of these United States? “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
o   Do we believe that in the long run, “The truth shall make us free.”?
 
o   Do we want to build a world for our children which is sustainable, just, and inclusive?
 
o   Are historians, scientists, medical personnel and spiritual leaders together best equipped to make educated guesses about what is best for our children and ourselves?
 
o   Are we brave enough to face the reality of who is currently raising our children and making important decisions which affect the entire community?
 
 
These and related questions are tough and require enormous bravery and strength. I believe together we can access that level of bravery and strength.
 
Written November 4, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
        
 
 
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​The poem
 
One of the reasons I am drawn to poetry is the careful choice and the paucity of words. In some languages, diacritical markings and/or voice tone can help to ensure that the communication is as accurate as possible.
 
Nuances are left to adjectives in spoken languages but in Sign Language one is forced to absorb the word from the movement of the body of the signer.
 
Dance, like poetry can speak volumes.   Once I held my breath as a dancer took 30 minutes to cross a stage drawing out the depth of emotions the refuge experienced escaping the violence of oppression.
 
We all know that words hurt, caress, shame, soothe, anger, and elicit a range of other emotions and thoughts.   The bearer of the word may load a word or phrase in the rock of his or her slingshot. Others load the word in a carefully constructed quilt of tenderness and warmth.
 
Sometimes we string words together.  Recently in the United States the phase “Let’s go Brandon” has become shorthand for F…Biden.  The phrase is meant to stand in for a longer speech about fear.
 
 
Other words or phrases call forth the moments which define a life.  “Love arrived as a zephyr quickly morphing into a cyclone which disturbed the air of the universe.”
 
Some words when used by a racist white person call forth a history of pain.  The same words when used by a person of color with another person of color become an embrace.
 
One might accurately call a dog a bitch but if one calls one’s female partner a bitch, the goal is to discount her worth as a person.
 
Some words can merely describe a fun sexual act or when coupled with another term become a sword meant to slice through the humanity of a person.
 
Both the presence of and the withholding of words can communicate volumes.  If, in a poem, i write “deafening silence” the reader is forced to hold one’s breath waiting for …
 
Poetry commands one’s attention and may kidnap one’s very being. It can call forth the confessions of the soul; the screams of the pain of 20 years of being a victim of abuse; the love which has waited patiently for 20 years.
 
A poem calls forth a story of a moment or lifetimes. If I begin a poem with “The war” the listener or reader finds himself or herself in the midst of a hologram.  Recently I was at the new Greenwood Rising History Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma where one exhibit features a hologram of a black barber shop.   Many know that the black barbershop is a place where black men and boys come to be informed, comforted, nurtured, tickled and to refuel. It may be the site of the planning of the community response to oppression or the site where one eulogizes a dear brother or sister.  It is the place where one is gently and expertly prepared for the battle outside the shop.  The hair becomes the headdress worn by one’s ancestors in Africa.  The same is true for the black beauty salon.   Men and women leaves these places armed and proud.  The few minutes of the hologram elicit the story of the power of creating safe spaces such as barber shops, beauty salons, jazz clubs and churches.
 
The poem must become the altar which holds all that one has been, is and can be.  It must hold the essence of one’s being; one’s pain, joy, laughter, tears, vulnerability, strength and anger.
 
Sometimes we allow words to roll off our tongue in waves with little thought of the poem they are creating; of the holograms they incite.
 
Poems create the space which holds the past, present and future.  Each word withheld or spoken awakens a  poem which directs the dance of all who receive it.   The challenge is to take ownership of the power of  the poem we create with and for each other? Each word, each phrase, spoken or withheld, is a power which challenges, nurtures or destroys.
 
Written November 3, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org