It is another Sunday. I begin the day with emailing and before long it is time for the NPR program “On Being” with Krista Tippett. This morning she was talking with Jonathan Rauch, a gay man who has been a supporter of marriage, including same sex marriage and David Blankenhorn a supporter of marriage and, historically, a staunch opponent of same sex marriage. David tells the story of his first public reaction to the view of Jonathan being very negative, perhaps somewhat self righteous and unkind. He also relates that it did not take him long to realize he needed to call Jonathan and apologize which, in fact, he did.. Thus began a relationship between two humans, one of whom happened to be born gay and found the courage to speak out in favor of the rights of all people and one of whom had little understanding of what it meant to have no choice about sexual orientation and, thus, had little understanding of what it meant to be denied the choice of all that the institution of marriage could offer. Both were, of course, very aware that being heterosexual didn’t automatically mean that the marriage relationship would be successful. One thought that it took a present male and female – a father and a mother – to raise healthy children. The other did not disagree that children need the influence of healthy males and females in that, but he also believed of the same sex could provide a healthy home for children.
Clearly each of these men believed that their view was the right view. This led, of course to identifying the person with their view which, in turn led to the other person being wrong. Wrong can easily lead to less than, not deserving of respect, not thoughtful, not as good as. From there one can easily dehumanize the other. This is the base which allows for wars whether the war is the killing of a family member or a country systematically planning and killing those they have labeled as their enemy.
Both David and Jonathan goal to treat others with great respect and to not dehumanize them
As they became acquainted they began to experience each other as people who also had certain beliefs and opinions about a variety of subjects. Once they got to that point, it was not difficult to eventually realize that they could learn from each other. They also realized that they both were interested in supporting healthy marriage relationships.
I was reminded of the film, “The Gatekeepers”. This film is a documentary by the Israeli director Dror Morch which consists of interviews with six men who are all surviving heads of Shin Bet, the Israeli security agency (also known as Shabak) Since the 1967 war the biggest part of Shin Bet’s mandate has involved counterterrorism and intelligence gathering in the West Bank and Gaza.
The interviewed with all six men are individual. As I recall they all, now from the vantage point of intervening time are saying basically the same thing now. They are saying (my words):
· In any conflict the goal quickly becomes to punish not justice.
· If we ever to have peace it will have to be because we take the risk of sitting down with each other as humans without the labels of nationality, religion, job or any others.
It seems we humans keep coming against the same basic truth, that we are all the same. We all want to be loved, respected and to have a sense that what we think and feel matters. When listening to a talk by Eckhart Tolle later at the gym this morning, he reminded me that zen is doing one thing at a time. In other words it is being present without thinking about the past or the future; without making up a story about what I am experiencing which usually contains some judgments or opinions. Dictionary.com defines Zen as: “An approach to religion, arising from Buddhism, that seeks religious enlightenment by meditation in which there is no consciousness of self.”
Many of us have had that experience of falling in love or being with another person with whom it just feels right to be with them with no need for talk. We have also “lost ourselves’ in a sunset, a new flower in our garden, the sound of a voice or an instrument, an experience of just enjoying food; that time when we are just present and feel no need to comment. We may then comment on not having any comment and, thus, are no longer present.
I am frequently aware of how often I feel a need to label another person, group or country. The label always contains a history and a set of instructions (habits) of how and what to think.
Of course, the other part of this process is the need to have my story be the “right” or “correct” one. In order for me to be right or correct it is necessary for the other person or group to be wrong. If Jonathan was right David had to be wrong. If David was right than Jonathan had to be wrong. Now one of them is the wrong one and one is the right one. They are no longer just humans needing and wanting to be the best they can be.
In actuality, they are both men wanting we humans to have healthy, loving homes, safe homes for ourselves and our children.
Each of those persons is easy to love and respect.
We could/I could apply the same principle to that person I am tempted to label as the most radical thinker or the most benign thinker. If I can sit down with John, Susan, or Sam trusting what we both want a world in which we take care of each other and can live with a sense of purpose we will notice very little, if any, difference. We may debate how to create the conditions facilitating that goal, but if we do away with the concepts of right and wrong we will be able to explore without rancor.
It seems that I keep relearning this same basic lesson. Today I am grateful to Krista Tippett, Jonathan Rauch, David Blankenenhorn and Eckhart Tolle for reminding me of a very basic truth and doing so in a way which made it easy to listen. In other words I did not feel that they are being critical or shaming in any way. They were staring their experience and, in the process, lovingly inviting me to join them in their search to open the door to having a loving, respectful debate.