​Motivation – Part I
 
Motivation is an interesting word which I often hear in various contexts including:
 
·      He/she is just not motivated to change.
·      He/she is not motivated to do the hard work of …
·      He/she is not motivated to succeed. He/she just wants a free handout.
·      Kids today are not motivated to learn.
·      Kids today are not motivated to get off the phone/computer and get exercise.
·      He/she is not motivated to have face-to-face communication.
·      The modern worker is just not motivated to work.
·      From my colleagues  - He/she is not motivated to get well.
 
I am confident that every reader could complete their own list of negatives regarding motivation or lack thereof.
 
How then to explain the fact that a game such as Pokémon on the Go has become so popular.  This game:
 
·      Requires people to move.
·      Requires players to problem solve.
·      Requires concentration for long period of time.
·      Requires players to play in crowded places.
 
Sadly, we often use the word motivation to blame a person for the fact that some task or job is very mind numbing and is presented in a way which does not allow the worker or the student to feel valued or as if their effort is worthwhile.    I have more than once sat in a classroom (through graduate school) which was boring and not conducive to learning. Even in graduate school, with some wonderful exceptions, I had professors who read to the class straight from books. I always figured I could read as well as they could and I would often skip class.  From grade school to high school I attended classes mainly because (1) it was a small, country school and there was no place to go without being noticed and (2) school, even when very, very boring was less negative than home.  Fortunately, one of the genetic traits with which my parents blessed me and my siblings was a decent brain which could learn the material, thus allowing me to get decent grades.   Before getting professionally established I held many jobs which were boring, but as long as there was a positive atmosphere and some reward – internal or external – I did fine.   Of course, I also know that these jobs were always temporary.
 
As a licensed professional counselor and certified addiction counselor there are many individuals, families or groups I have not been able to assist in living a more qualitative life.  This was never the fault of the client(s). I simply did not know what might be helpful.  Over the years sometimes I would get more effective with certain types of issues or individuals. Still, to this day, there are many individuals, families and groups I do not know how to help.  One of the individuals I see keeps struggling with relapse – keeps returning to the use of drugs which adversely affect every area of his life.   He is bright, a very good person and wants to be a positive partner, friend, father, and worker.  No matter what I suggest or what his sponsor in a 12-step-program suggests, he is unable to hold on to recovery.  Just the other day I was talking about a client who was addicted to alcohol and could not stay in recovery. She finally died as the result of a fall.    Another person who hired me to help him has a mental illness which has not been responsive to drug treatment or cognitive therapy. He too really wants to get on with his life.
 
Often I have been hired to clinically supervise other clinical/counseling staff.  All too often, when reviewing their written records, I find the phrase “Client not motivated to get well.”  Clinicians – doctors, therapists, counselors – frequently blame the patient/client when they do not know how to help.
 
I often have experienced teachers saying the same thing about their students.  “They are just not motivated.”  I have a friend who, prior to taking time off to raise her own children, was a math teacher whose students were all the students who were flunking math because they were not motivated to learn.  All or nearly all these failing students learned to love her math classes, regularly attended and got good grades.  How is this possible?  My friend knew that traditional, often boring, seemingly irrelevant methods of teaching were not working with these particular students. They had convinced themselves as well as their teachers that they were incapable of learning or even caring about math.  My friend knew (1) math is simply a language to talk about relationships (2) the kids had convinced themselves that math was boring and/or that they were too dumb to learn “math” and (3) that in some areas of their life (even if they were entrepreneurs with a thriving small marijuana business) they used a lot of math. She knew that she needed to find a way to teach math which interested the students.   She used all sorts of fun games and theater techniques to teach complicated math concepts.  All of the students did well.  So much for the students not being motivated.
 
Tomorrow I will continue my exploration of the concept of motivation.
 
Written July 28, 2016
 

​The soldier or the scout
 
I was thinking this morning, July 27, 2016 about one of the books by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer – Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life in which he examines various translations of Tao Te Ching.  The ancient text of the Tao To Ching was the perfect basis for a discussion of the relative nature of the truth. 
 
Later I was reading an article in the July 27, 2016 Personal Journal of the Wall Street Journal, p D1, by Sue Shellenbarger entitled “How inaccurate memories can be good for you.”    She points out in the article that some inaccurate memories can provide significant comfort.  For example, the false memory of an emotionally distant parent being particularly comforting in early childhood can soften some negative or sad memories and do not hurt anyone.   Other inaccurate memories may not be so helpful and may in fact be harmful.
 
Julia Galef in a June 2016 Ted Talk entitled  “Why you think you’re right –even if you’re wrong” recounts the story of a 19th century soldier being falsely accused of spying and subsequently being imprisoned despite later evidence clearly indicating that he was not guilty.  Ms. Galef suggests that if we want to change our mindset we need to change the way we feel.   I normally think that we need to change our thoughts which will, in turn, will change our feelings.  I completely agree with Ms. Galef that we need to switch from a soldier mindset to a scout mindset.  She describes the differences in the two jobs or roles:
 
“So I'd like you to imagine for a moment that you're a soldier in the heat of battle. Maybe you're a Roman foot soldier or a medieval archer or maybe you're a Zulu warrior. Regardless of your time and place, there are some things that are constant. Your adrenaline is elevated, and your actions are stemming from these deeply ingrained reflexes, reflexes rooted in a need to protect yourself and your side and to defeat the enemy.
0:41
So now, I'd like you to imagine playing a very different role, that of the scout. The scout's job is not to attack or defend. The scout's job is to understand. The scout is the one going out, mapping the terrain, identifying potential obstacles. And the scout may hope to learn that, say, there's a bridge in a convenient location across a river. But above all, the scout wants to know what's really there, as accurately as possible. And in a real, actual army, both the soldier and the scout are essential. But you can also think of each of these roles as a mindset -- a metaphor for how all of us process information and ideas in our daily lives. What I'm going to argue today is that having good judgment, making accurate predictions, making good decisions, is mostly about which mindset you're in.”
 
Many of us can get caught in the perceived need to be “right.”  We are convinced that  what some would consider is an opinion, is, in fact, an absolute truth.  There can be no better example than listening to the statements or speeches of political candidates.  Fortunately we now have professionals whose job it is to research the evidence which support or refutes the statements of political candidates.  Sadly there is no such recognized authority for the opinions or “truths” upon which nations or groups base their violent actions. There is also no such recognized authority for couples or other family members who may often harbor long term negative feelings because their partner or other family members do not agree with their version of the truth. True, some issues may present us with clear evidence of a single truth.   You said such and such is not one of those issues. Clearly I can never accurately report what you say.  At times, what I hear or see may closely approximate what you intended to convey.  Often that is not the case.   In my counseling profession I am often asked to help couples or other family members who are very angry because their version of what transpired is not accepted as the absolute truth by their partner or other family members.  My goal is often to guide them in exploring the question of whether their goal is to prove that they are right or to problem solve.  Occasionally I notice myself wanting to be right about no one needing to be right – needing parties involved to accept my truth that there is no one truth.  At times there may be.  It may be true that the car does, in fact, have a flat tire or the air conditioner is not working. Generally we will not argue about those sorts of “facts.”   We may argue about why the tire is flat or why the air conditioner is broken. We may say the tire is flat because of the way our partner or child drives or someone left something sharp in the driveway.  We may say that the air conditioner is broken because the other person did not call in a timely manner for it to be routinely checked. 
 
Whether we think that we need to change our feelings or our thoughts, if we want to explore the role of the scout we may need to allow for the possibility that:
 
·      We see or hear a partial truth.  The words or field of vision may be limited.
·      Our goal is to prove that are right, to punish the other for what we see or hear as their misdeed and not to problem solve.
·      The issue is not that important.
·      What we thought we heard or saw triggered a fear. For example if our partner has lied about something important in the past, then a perceived exaggeration might trigger the fear that they are going to lie about something important again.
·      We can always empathize with what the other is feeling – frightened, hurt, sad, or distrustful. We can always say I am sorry that you got some fearful feeling or whatever without taking responsibility for the feeling.
 
Perhaps the most important point is to be able to recognize when we have fallen into the trap of needing to be right. In the case of the 19th century French soldier no amount of evidence to the contrary could change the minds of those who needed to be “right.”    They were not able to step back and ask, “Is our goal to be right? Do we need this man to be the guilty party so that some of our other beliefs are not disturbed? Is it possible that there are other facts which have yet to be revealed?”
 
My friend A wrote me this morning saying that he was initiating discussions with some of his close friends about some past behavior of his.  Clearly he does not want to repeat the past behavior and has enough ego strength or strength of character to admit to his friends that he has slipped into behavior in the past which was not consistent with his core values.  I have enormous respect for A and his ability to accept his own human ability to make mistakes or to be wrong.
 
The first verse of the Tao di Ching as translated by S. Mitchell illustrates the openness of thought which A is practicing:
 
The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.
 
The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.
 
Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.
 
Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.
 
Written July 27, 2016

  
At what cost?
 
I often read Bret Stephens’ editorial articles in the Wall Street Journal.  He is a Pulitzer  Prize winner journalist.  I find him thoughtful, intelligent, and articulate.  He is one of those who tickles my mind – makes he think.    On July 26, 2016 he not only tickled my mind, he stirred many emotions.  I do not want to just rely on emotional responses.  The issues which he so thoughtfully addresses demand the best of all of us.  In this article he is address the possible response of Europeans to modern day threats – violent and non-violent.
 
The question I want to address is, for me, one which has been a central focus for me.  Essentially I ask myself what it means for me to be a moral person, community member and a citizen of a nation.  This question seems especially poignant as we near a presidential election in the United States and posit possibilities for our role on the world stage.    From my Christian background I am reminded of the question in  the gospel of Mark – 8:36(KJV):
 
“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”
 
Every person since the beginning of time has asked some version of this question.  Humans have this need to make sense of what seems, at times, to be a pretty chaotic, senseless j life journey.  What differentiates us from other animals?  Sometimes we blame or attribute moral codes to a divine being or beings.  Sometimes we look for what seems more natural or supports the systems which seem to be so interconnected on this earth and in the universes.  No matter what we decide we all have to face the fact that this life journey is, from a human perspective, very brief.  We have to decide what is important.   Mr. Stephens is raising a version of that question as it pertains to the nation or group. He seems to be positing the position that it is important for individual nations and Europe as a community to continue to exist no matter what the costs.  Further he seems to be positing that it one can label one group as moral and one group as barbarians; that one method of serving the God of our understanding is more moral than those practiced  by other groups serving the God of their understanding.   He seems very clear that no matter how much killing is needed one must preserve the way of life that is considered moral by a group of people whose history includes what might now be determined as barbarian behavior.   In fact he seems to be suggesting that in fact one needs to preserve a certain way of life no matter what the cost in terms  of destroying others. He does not hesitate to use Israel as an example despite the fact that this history of Israel includes extremely violent behavior, the aim which seem often to punish rather than seeking justice for both sides. He further posits that we learn a moral lesson from the example of violence as practiced by Israel. 
 
I will briefly (or perhaps not so briefly) outline what he says.
 
Bret Stephens Global View – Is Europe Helpless,  Wall Street Journal, July 26, 2016, A 13 (Bret Louis Stephens (born November 21, 1973)
 
“In the face of Islamist menace the continent seems helpless. It it?... At it 1980s peak, under Francois Mitterrand and Helmut Kohl the European project combined German economic strength and French confidence in power politics.  Today it mixes French political weakness with German moral solipisim.  This is a formula for rapid civilizational decline, however many economic or military resources the EU may have at its disposal.


Can the decline be stopped?  Yet, that that would require a great unlearning of the political mythologies of which modern Europe is built.
 
Among those mythologies:

• that the European Union is the result of postwar moral commitment to peace;
• that Christianity is of merely historical importance to European identity
• that there’s no such thing as a military solution;
• that one’s country is not worth fighting for;
• that honor is atavistic and
• tolerance is the supreme value   (I added the indent marks.)

 
People who believe in nothing, including themselves, will ultimately submit to anything.
 
The alternative..

• recognition that Europe’s long peace depended on American military power…
• Europe will have to figure out how to apply power… strategically in pursuit of difficult objectives.
• learn that powerless can be as corrupting as power…

 
The storm of terror that is descending on Europe will not end in some now politics of inclusion, community outreach, more foreign aid or one of Mrs. Merkel’s diplomatic Rube Goldbergs.  It will end in rivers of blood.  Theirs or yours?
 
…what they need to learn from the Jewish state is the moral lesson. Namely, that identify can be a great preserver of liberty, and that free societies cannot survive through progressive accommodations to barbarians.”
 
It is not my intent to offer answers but to state that I believe it is imperative that we thoughtfully and “prayerfully” question the assumptions of Mr. Stephens.   They are, in fact, assumptions which are shared by many – perhaps even a majority.   At the core of this discussion is the question of whether or not there are any core moral values which are more important than the ongoing existence of a person, a community or a nation.
 
I am indebted to Mr. Stephens for so clearly stating the parameters of the question as he understands them.
 
 
Written July 26, 2016

​Johnny did it
 
Well, good morning this is your Okie friend, Will Rogers.  I promised that I would be sharing the news from the democratic convention in the United States just as if did the Republican Convention last week.    As you probably know they are gathering in the city of brotherly love.  Obviously, the city of Brotherly Love is not a metaphor for the players involved in this particular drama.  Who are the players one might reasonably ask?  There are many including:

• Bernie – the champion of the poor who is the consummate politician.  No need to worry that the United States has an enormous debt.  His supporters are not ready to trust the DNC to ignore the debt and provide free everything.
• Little Debbie W.  Bless her.  Those darn Russians are to blame for outing her emails- not the emails or attitude!
• The Russians or is it the naughty Chinese who are the whistle blowers. How dare they think that they have the right to spy?
• All those who are making a big deal out financial secrets. Clearly there are secrets and then there are secrets.
• The non-brothers – Hilary, Elizabeth, Debbie, Michelle – the gentler, more nurturing gender.
• The ridiculous Berns whose disloyalty was obviously copied from those others meeting in Cleveland last week.  Well, Sarah certainly put them in their place.  Is she channeling everyone’s fourth grade teacher?
• The man who would be first spouse as long as he does not have to act as first spouse although he may be the first, first spouse to get caught with unshaven legs in the hallway of the White House. Well, no I do not actually know if he shaves his legs. What are the rules for the first spouse? 
• More email.   So glad one does not have to carry around a recorder these days.

 
Of course there are a host of others.  The Democrats are in synch with the Republicans.  We are America.  We are not one of the Americas.  At least the Democrats know we are already great. They will provide free education to.  To do what?  How to lie better?   Tell people when they are being ridiculous and expect them to just behave? 
 
Somehow the DNC in Philadelphia is just not as exciting as the one in Cleveland.    Some of the characters may be tawdry, but they’re not nearly as passionate or as colorfully tawdry as those others.    Well, guess it is back to Donald.  Bless his heart. Will he earn a A for claiming that Hilary dropped the Rodman because it stood for rotten?  Well, perhaps a C.  Not one of his best. Somehow, rotten Hilary does not have the same ring as lying Hilary.
 
Still, it is easy to tweat?  The Democrats do seem to lend themselves to tweetable insults.  Who knew that tweating insults was a skill we should be teaching our children?  Tweetable insults. Forget debates, problem solving or keeping the brain sharp with Double Decision. The boys from the hood could teach us a thing or two. They have been practicing the dirty dozen for a long time. Perfect tweets. The sophisticated Donny got it. Let’s all get with it.  At least when he does the dirty dozen he is not talking about food choices.  Is nothing sacred anymore?
 
The good news is that is that all the world can now see and hear in real time why we are the greatest, most erudite, most powerful, most peace loving, and most just nation in the world. What? You question that?
 
Well, that is all the news we have time for today.  Let’s hear it for rotten, lying Hilary and Donny who along with his play buddy Putin will make this country great again.
 
Written July 26, 2016
 
 

​Flexible versus disciplined
 
Others often say I am very disciplined.   Some know the only reason I am disciplined is because my basic nature is to be a slouch. I could easily spend most of my time reading a novel, riding my bike or just people watching.  I have spent entire vacations just being present   If I allowed myself to do what I feel like doing more of the time I would accomplish very little.  There are many mornings I would happily stay in bed, even if awake.   When I would finally remove myself from my bed I would sit with a cup of coffee on the back patio greeting the birds and any other friends who decided to hang out with me.  Some mornings I might go to the beach to greet the sunrise.  Yet, almost every morning I bounce out of bed, turn on the coffee machine,  shave, dress for the gym, send emails and text messages, workout, have breakfast while reading the newspaper and then write for two or three hour or see some clients.  Soon it is nearly time for lunch. I might run some errands, have lunch and then do some home chores or see other clients. If a friend or a unscheduled client calls I will gladly stop what I am doing and spend time on the phone, via the internet, or in person. The rest of the day will be spent completing the day’s commitments to clients or personal and business related chorettes.
 
The rest of the day is not as routine but is still planned depending on what I decide “needs” to be done.
 
Some days I type for two or three hours while waiting for the muse to arrive – waiting to have something meaningful to say. Another option would be to stay open to the muse without being a slave to the schedule of writing a blog a day. 
 
I just typed a message to a client suggesting that she “let go and let the God of her understanding show her the open door” rather than attempting to force a situation.  She has obsessed so much about the best or right thing to do about a situation that she often becomes immobilized.  It is an effort for her just to get through her normal work and home schedule.   She is restless and anxious.  Perhaps there is no “right” action other than being present to her immediate commitment of being a parent, daughter, and a professional.   It is easy to get caught up in the belief that there is one right answer or solution.   We worry that we might miss the opportunity which comes along once in a life journey.   Indeed we might, but while worrying about the right action we can be so distracted that we miss the opportunities which are present today. 
 
For me, the balance between being disciplined and being flexible is not easy.  Perhaps the best that I can do is an awareness that it is important to attempt a balance.   Once again, I am reminded that the question may be more important than the answer.
 
Interestingly, the morning I wrote this I set aside the schedule and spent nearly two hours with friends who wanted/needed to talk.  At times it felt as if I needed to get back to “the schedule”, but then I would remind myself that the schedule is not in charge. My core values include the strong belief that relationships  are always more important than tasks.   The tasks I do or do not do will also affect relationships.  For example, if I do not take daily time to spiritually center myself the core values will not be front and center.  If they are not front and center then I could easily tell a friend who needs the support of my friendship,  “Later.  I am busy.”  
 
Written July 25, 2016
 
 
 

​The new president of the United States – President Hub
 
I am constantly amazed with the creativity of humans. Early this morning I was reading the blog of my friend, Dr. Becky Johnen which this week is entitled “Turning negatives into positive”.  She recounts the story of Grace and Walter Lantz who on their honeymoon had to compete with the constant noisy work of a woodpecker.   When they got home they created the cartoon character, Woody Woodpecker which would bring joy and often wisdom to millions of people.  Something which they could have allowed to ruin their honeymoon became the source of a lifelong collaborative work bringing them even closer together and providing a source of income.  Rather than getting angry and seeing the woodpecker as the enemy of their peaceful honeymoon, Grace and Walter welcomed him into their new marriage. (https://authorbeckyjohnen.wordpress.com)
 
Often, it seems many of us have a difficult time accepting that each of us are part of a magical, interdependent system.   We spent endless amount of energy treating all that we experience as outside of ourselves as an enemy or an object to be used for our immediate comfort.  In the end, as we know, all of creation suffers as a result of our seemingly ignorance or refusal to accept what scientists increasingly verify as the same truth which so-called primitive people have always intuitively known.   We argue about such things as the extent to which human behavior is responsible for damage to the balance of the climate.  We seem to reject the idea that we need a more loving, respectful relationship with all of creation.  The “other” humans cry out for a recognition that they are part of a community.  Instead of acknowledging that we all want/need to be part of a community, we focus on their method (often cruel and self-destructive) of communication and ignore the basic cry.
 
Last week here in the United States we experienced a fear baiting and carnivorous feeding in a gathering of those who label themselves Republicans.  This week the danger is that those calling themselves Democrats will do the same while claiming that their style of throwing out the meat to feed the fear proves that they are different.  Both seem to be feeding the same basic fear of “the other”.
 
There is no shortage of wise men and women who seem to understand that in each case the process is the same despite clothing their presentations in the costumes of different designers.  If we cannot “hear” these wise men and women perhaps we can hear the wisdom of my choice for president – President Hub.
 
This morning I was listening to a Ted Talk by Suzanne Simard entitled “How trees talk to each other” (June 2016).  Dr. Simard is a professor of Forest Ecology in the Department of Forest and Conservation Sciences at the University of British Columbia.
 
Her research of “infinite biological pathways that connect trees and allow them to communicate and further allows the forest to behave as though it’s a single organism” confirms, once again, the need of all of creation to bear witness to the sacredness od interdependence.  She says of her research:
 
“The C-13 and C-14 was showing me that paper birch and Douglas fir were in a lively two-way conversation. It turns out at that time of the year, in the summer, that birch was sending more carbon to fir than fir was sending back to birch, especially when the fir was shaded. And then in later experiments, we found the opposite, that fir was sending more carbon to birch than birch was sending to fir, and this was because the fir was still growing while the birch was leafless. So it turns out the two species were interdependent, like yin and yang.”
 
Furthermore, there are “hub or mother trees”. 
 
“We call those hub trees, or more fondly, mother trees, because it turns out that those hub trees nurture their young, the ones growing in the understory. And if you can see those yellow dots, those are the young seedlings that have established within the network of the old mother trees. In a single forest, a mother tree can be connected to hundreds of other trees. And using our isotope tracers, we have found that mother trees will send their excess carbon through the mycorrhizal network to the understory seedlings, and we've associated this with increased seedling survival by four times.
 
When mother trees are injured or dying, they also send messages of wisdom on to the next generation of seedlings. So we've used isotope tracing to trace carbon moving from an injured mother tree down her trunk into the mycorrhizal network and into her neighboring seedlings, not only carbon but also defense signals. And these two compounds have increased the resistance of those seedlings to future stresses.”
 
If the reader wants to know the detail of how the trees communicate read or listen to Dr. Simard’s Ted Talk or google her name for links to other talks and papers she has written.  I am hopeful that the reader can accept that just like a family of humans each type of tree and other vegetation has a role in this very intricate and interactional system.  So-called primitive people have always known that humans can use some of offerings of other parts of nature, but care must be taken to not destroy the source of the gifts.  It is only with an immense sense of respectful gratitude for the entire system that one can use these gifts.
 
President Hub will bring her wisdom, gratitude and nurturing abilities to the leadership of the United States thus focusing on honoring the sacred roles of all the parts of the whole.  There will be no “other” or arguments about esoteric issues such as climate change.
 
Mother Hub will lead us to a new kind of victory.
 
Written July 24, 2016

​Educating our hearts
 
This morning, while at the gym, I was listening  to On Being which is hosted by Krista Tippett.  July, 21, 2017 her guest was the French geophysicist a
and, I would say, philosopher, Dr. Xavier Le Pichon. 
 
It was his work in geophysics which  brought him to the realization that appreciating and understanding the fragility or weakness of the earth was the key to understanding its strength.  Later he would come to the conclusion that the same is true for we humans – that the key to the evolution of us humans is learning to appreciate the fragility of our suffering.  In fact he would come to the conclusion that those societies who do not appreciate and face suffering do not evolve.
 
Ironically or, perhaps not so ironically, this is the central messages of most spiritual teachers – that evolution directly correlates with the ability of humans to face not only our own suffering  as we experience it,  but also as it is reflected in our neighbors.
 
It seems that often humans think that if we focus on those that we think are strong we will prove the validity of the understanding of the survival of the fittest. Yet, this way of approaching our life journey often discards those perceived as weak or less than.  We often approach our individual life journeys in the same manner. We think that if we focus on our strengths and ignore the weak or suffering parts of ourselves that we will fashion the best possible life for ourselves.  Yet, this esteemed wise scientist has come to the opposite conclusion.  He postulates that one of the weakest part of humans is the failure to nurture the suffering among and in us, which means that we also ignore the importance of community.
 
I have recently written about the work of Sebastian Junger as described in his recently published book Tribe.  He too equates health with tribe or community. 
 
Dr. LePichon’s early discovery, at age 29,of the nature of the earth’s moving places excited him and also left him working alone because his colleagues thought he was crazy.  At age 36 he discovered something equally or even more important. He says, “And I progressively discovered that I was so immersed in my research, I was not seeing the others anymore.  In particular, it was not seeing the people in difficulty and suffering…And actually, it led me to decide to quit science. And I resigned from all my position, and I went to Calcutta to Mother Teresa’s place. I spent six weeks there working with her Brothers of Charity working in the streets….For example, when I was in Calcutta, and I spent this month and a half with the people of the slums and so on, I found out this extraordinary way of belonging to them. I was accepted by them. They loved me. They treated me as one of them. And I discovered their suffering, of course, but also the immense joy capacity of relationship that was in there.”
 
Dr. LePichon’s story is one of educating his heart and learning to nurture his strength.   As a child he was in a concentration camp.  He says, “And one day we got a message from the Japanese governor of the camp, and he let us know that he will shoot most of the people the next day.  And my mother said, “Well, I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but today you have to learn your lessons. So come on.” “  He also recalls his experience of the camp, “I was eight at the time. And life was hard. All the babies were dying of hunger, and we were together. We were the center of life. We were continuously present with our parent, uncles, and so on, and that is not a bad memory for me.”
 
Dr. Le Pichon has spent decades living in community with people with mental disabilities. One might say of him that he is altruistic, a true Buddhist, a Christ centered Christian or one could say he has been blessed with the opportunity to educate his heart, a process which I suspect he would say continues to this day .  It is his belief that we have to construct or build our humanity – “the capacity to interact with others in a loving way. But this is a potential. It’s not something which is given to us. It’s a possibility we have.”
 
He says that as we enter into relation with others we enter into communion – “Learn how to enter into communion with your neighbors….You will never be the person in front of you, but you will have created what we call communion…what Jesus came to teach us. Learn how to enter into communion with our neighbors …”
 
It seems to me the educational system in the United States often focuses on learning skills while ignoring the purpose of learning skills.  Spiritual teachers would suggest skills are useful only to the extent they enhance, in some way, our ability to  live in community and, thus, take care of each other.  Whether it is the reflection the beauty which is all around and within us – art -  or how to heat  our food and homes without destroying the environment the emphasis is on community-neighbors. 
 
Dr. Le Pichon is suggesting that we do not naturally know we need to take care of each other.  My guess, which I have postulated in other places, is humans early on come to believe that if we can prove our worth by becoming better, stronger, wealthier, or smarter than we will model Darwin’s theory of evolution and create the best possible  town, city, state or country. 
 
We are learning or relearning that taking care of the environment – the fragile earth – will insure its survival.  Spiritual teachers have been suggesting taking care of “the least” of them- the seemingly weakest of us – the ones who suffer the most – are the key to building a strong, vibrant community.  
 
No matter how misguided those who convinced that they need to kill to please the God of their understanding, perhaps one of the strong attractions of their cause is being part of both an earthly and eternal community/neighborhood.   Instead of finding ways of inviting those who are attracted to community to a loving community it seems that many of us are intent on confirming that those attacted to radical, violent groups are the other and, thus, not welcome in our community.   One of the strong attractions to the new urban housing may be the possibility of a strong sense of community.   How we design common spaces within and between buildings in the urban complex will help to determine whether we interact as strangers or as neighbors.
 
Educating our hearts will lead to a strong sense of self, a strong community and, in turn, will lead to a rich, attractive, less stressful life.
 
Thanks to the leadership/example of such individuals such as Krista Tippett, Jesus, Buddha, Dr Le Pichon,  Eckhard Tolle, Mother Theresa, Thomas Merton, and many others we remind ourselves to focus on building strong, vibrant hearts which will lead to strong, vibrant communities.
 
Written July 23 , 2016
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Gravitas
 
Many journalists and news reporters seem to be particularly fond of the word gravitas this election cycle in the United States. Although I been aware of the word for a long time, it is only recently that it seems to be in vogue.   Perhaps, as some have suggested, it is because the virtue of gravitas seems to be missing in the speeches and action of the political candidates and those who are expected to endlessly discuss or report on what they are saying as well as others are saying about them. There is an endless report “he said that she said and then she said that he said and,” Although the reporters or news analysts report this dynamic with an apparent seriousness, they do so with the same false gravitas with which one might pronounce a tautology such as: “The humans running for office are human.” 
 
If one googles Roman virtues, one will find gravitas listed as one of the key citizen virtues.
 
Wikipedia says of the word virtue:  “Virtue (Latin: virtus, Ancient Greek: ἀρετή "arete") is moral excellence. A virtue is a trait or quality deemed to be morally good and thus is valued as a foundation of principle and good moral being. Personal virtues are characteristics valued as promoting collective and individual greatness. The opposite of virtue is vice.”     The word gravitas originates from the Latin word gravis which is generally translated as serious.  Oxford dictionary defines it as:  Noun:  Dignity, seriousness or solemnity of matter.
 
Crystalinks.com states about the personal virtues of Roman citizen:
“These are the qualities of life to which every Citizen (and, ideally, everyone else) should aspire. They are the heart of the Via Romana — the Roman Way — and are thought to be those qualities which gave the Roman Republic the moral strength to conquer and civilize the world. Today, they are the rods against which we can measure our own behavior and character, and we can strive to better understand and practice them in our everyday lives.
Auctoritas: "Spiritual Authority" The sense of one's social standing, built up through experience, Pietas, and Industria.
Comitas: "Humor" Ease of manner, courtesy, openness, and friendliness.
Clementia: "Mercy" Mildness and gentleness.
Dignitas: "Dignity" A sense of self-worth, personal pride.
Firmitas: "Tenacity" Strength of mind, the ability to stick to one's purpose.
Frugalitas: "Frugalness" Economy and simplicity of style, without being miserly.
Gravitas: "Gravity" A sense of the importance of the matter at hand, responsibility and earnestness.  
Honestas: "Respectibility" The image that one presents as a respectable member of society.
Humanitas: "Humanity" Refinement, civilization, learning, and being cultured.
Industria: "Industriousness" Hard work.
Pietas: "Dutifulness" More than religious piety; a respect for the natural order socially, politically, and religiously. Includes the ideas of patriotism and devotion to others.
Prudentia: "Prudence" Foresight, wisdom, and personal discretion.
Salubritas: "Wholesomeness" Health and cleanliness.
Severitas: "Sternness" Gravity, self-control.
Veritas: "Truthfulness" Honesty in dealing with others.”
 
If indeed any of the political candidates resurrected the poet Virgil to use this list of virtues to “grade” their speeches and the manner in which they were delivered I suspect that they would not score very high.  One might even say that their their approach to the virtues is lacking in gravitas.
 
If my observations are accurate it is no wonder that most of us are ritually shaking our head every time we hear or read one of the political speeches..  We symbolically shake our heads because what we have just read or heard does not make sense.  That is the nature of tautologies They are pronounced with such solemnity that one’s initial reaction is to check to make sure one did not miss something. The truth often is that one did not miss anything. It really was a tautology and, by definition, does not make sense.
 
Connie Schultz the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist wrote a piece entitled “Republicans’ brand is fear” which was published in the Tampa Bay Times, July, 22, 2016, p 13A.  She points out that fear is very seductive.  Appealing to any strong emotion can be very seductive.  She then goes on to say, “This fear takes its toll…A leader is not someone who reflects the worst within us, leaving us cowering in the shadows.”   I am not convinced that it is just the Republicans which has branded fear. I think both parties are appealing to fear. One will not find that behavior or quality listed among the list of Roman Virtues.  It does not embody gravitas.
 
I suggest that we do not have to succumb to the temptation of responding to fear with fear.  Ms. Schultz quotes one of those historic figures who clearly understood gravitas, Eleanor Roosevelt.   In 1950 Mrs. Roosevelt “in a keynote speech to Americans for Democratic Action on Individual Liberty: “Somehow we must keep ourselves free from fear and suspicion of each other…Fear can take away from you all the courage to be an individual.”   Not surprising, it was Franklin Roosevelt in his Frist Inaugural Address who said, “Only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
 
It we want to begin to approach the election season with the gravitas it deserves we can choose to follow the advice of both Franklin and Eleanor or we can accept the invitation to be seduced by fear.
 
 
Written July 22, 2016

​Expectations
 
I was talking to a friend about the seemingly impossible task of loving without expectations.   Whether the expectations are of a person with whom one is in love, a child, or someone else, expectations impose conditions on love.  One may say, “I love you unconditionally.  If you would only x.”  Even more conditional or perhaps more honest is, “If you loved me you would do Y.”    The person with whom I was talking is aware of how difficult it has been for her to love another adult unconditionally. She has a five-year-old daughter who is much easier to love unconditionally.  She knows that soon her daughter will be 14 and then 18 and then 30. The healthy part of her sincerely wants her daughter to make choices which are true to who she is and, yet, she is aware that there are choices which would frighten or sadden my friend.  Speaking as a parent I know that it is not easy to keep one’s parenting mouth closed.  I have memories of hearing myself say, “Perhaps you would be happier if…  or Perhaps you want to consider ….”  No matter how much I said that I wanted him to make his own choices, often I had strong opinions about which choices would work better for him.  The truth is that it was not about working better for him. I would have been more comfortable with another choice.  No matter how often I repeated that, “I will love you no matter what you choose” I am sure, at times, it felt as if my respect and love was conditional.
 
Even more difficult for me is letting go of expectations regarding situations.    It seems to me that most, if not all,  of my anxiety originates from worrying about the outcome of situations.  Even after I have done all I can do I am prone to making my internal peace – my quality of life – dependent on a particular outcome. I am very good at saying and believing at a cognitive level “I  will always get what I need to learn the spiritual lessons I need to learn.”  or “I will be fine no matter what the outcome of this situation. I have always survived and even thrived when a situation did not turn out the way I had hoped it would.”   Often, I say that I will be fine no matter what happens and then I lay awake worrying or thinking about the outcome.   I obsessively  think about how much I “need” the situation to end with x result.  My stomach tenses, my breath becomes shallow, and I lose my focus. 
 
I have lived over 76 years and I have been very blessed to have survived what first appeared to be negative outcomes. Negative outcomes are outcomes which are different from what I expected or thought I needed.
Loss of job or not getting the job I wanted, a sick child, finding out I had an illness, death of a relationship or the physical death of a loved one, a house not selling, a poor grade on a test or for a course are among the disappointments of my life journey.  Yet, even sadness or disappointment has eventually led me to another positive outcome.   I am not suggesting that events such as the sudden death of a loved one are positive. I am suggesting all events in this life journey open new doors.  While I am not suggesting any of us welcome sad or negative events.  I am suggesting it is safe to grieve and then, with a smile,  greet the next outcome or step in this journey.
 
Letting go of the belief that I can only relax or I can only have a good life if X happens and if it happens in the time period I think it “needs” to happen  is important if I want to take another step in the goal towards being physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy.  Obviously this is a process. I cannot whip myself into achieving this goal. I can gently remind myself to practice my yoga breathing and gently correct the messages in my head.   “It is safe to relax. No matter what the outcome I will be fine.  I do not need the anxiety.”  I have made a lot of progress toward letting go of expectations, but  I will continue to  be reminded that this too is a process.   I do not need to be anxious about potential outcomes.   At whatever point I notice my anxiousness I can just smile and allow myself to enjoy the moment whatever that moment brings.  Perhaps if I l1ve to be 999 I will get good at this goal. Perhaps I will not!
 
Written July 21, 2016

Desire paths and mental health
 
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.”  His initial example of a desire path is:
 
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
 
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks.   It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever  being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged. 
 
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed.   The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case.   Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
 
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English.   The computers were placed in common areas.  Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers.  Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor.  He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
 
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning.  The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
 
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction  for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with  the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out  At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents.  His parents also pay for his food and other necessities.  He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish.  His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge.  He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass.  His parents are understandably worried and frustrated.    Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car.  Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go.    They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself.  His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker  on any schedule.
 
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
 
The advice given to such parents normally include:
·    Practice tough love.  Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
·    Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
·    Do what this family is doing  which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
·    Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
·    Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing.  Set up trust fund to support the child when/if  something happens to the parents.
 
I know parents who have used all of these options.  Some have the money  and resignation to set up a trust fund  and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that.  Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group.    Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
 
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child.  One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly. 
 
Very often, the parents or other family members argue.   It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce.  Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.  
 
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves.  One can find many such success stories.  Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles.   Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure.   Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful.  In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
 
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by  a particular approach such as tough love.  Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated  by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
 
My approach relies more on the desire path approach.  This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia.  When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement.  This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
 
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
 
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional.  Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources.  One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
 
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not  use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
 
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
·    Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
·    Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
·    Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
·    Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
·    Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
 
 
Written July 20, 2016

 
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.”  His initial example of a desire path is:
 
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
 
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks.   It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever  being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged. 
 
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed.   The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case.   Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
 
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English.   The computers were placed in common areas.  Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers.  Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor.  He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
 
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning.  The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
 
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction  for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with  the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out  At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents.  His parents also pay for his food and other necessities.  He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish.  His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge.  He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass.  His parents are understandably worried and frustrated.    Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car.  Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go.    They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself.  His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker  on any schedule.
 
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
 
The advice given to such parents normally include:
·    Practice tough love.  Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
·    Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
·    Do what this family is doing  which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
·    Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
·    Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing.  Set up trust fund to support the child when/if  something happens to the parents.
 
I know parents who have used all of these options.  Some have the money  and resignation to set up a trust fund  and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that.  Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group.    Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
 
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child.  One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly. 
 
Very often, the parents or other family members argue.   It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce.  Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.  
 
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves.  One can find many such success stories.  Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles.   Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure.   Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful.  In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
 
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by  a particular approach such as tough love.  Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated  by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
 
My approach relies more on the desire path approach.  This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia.  When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement.  This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
 
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
 
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional.  Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources.  One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
 
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not  use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
 
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
·    Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
·    Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
·    Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
·    Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
·    Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
 
 
Written July 20, 2016