Blessings versus Entitlements

My good friend, Becky, recommended that I write about blessings and entitlements.  She is a mentor who lives a  spiritually rich, generous life and, as such,  is often the inspiration for my thinking deeper about some important subject.

When I think of the word blessings, I think of the fact that I have used the phrases “Bless you  or bless them” for many years. I am not sure when I first began saying this. I do know that at some point in my life journey, I became more intentional about reminding myself that I was not in a position to judge anyone and blessing took the form of a short prayer.   I also know that a number of years ago I first became acquainted with Dr.Rachel Naomi Remen who wrote Kitchen Table Wisdom and My grandfather’s Blessings.  In both books, she explores a more holistic approach to both her own health and the health of her patients.  In My Grandfather’s Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuse and Belonging, she “shares 102 short stories about the healing power of those who have learned to be open to life’s blessings. Her grandfather, an orthodox rabbi and scholar of the Kaballah, taught her to recognize the healing power of blessing life through small gifts of kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity in our daily lives.”  I have read this book several times and have often given a copy  as a gift.  The example of her Rabbi Grandfather always reminds me of the fact that many Native tribes, including the Tlingit Indians with whom I lived for a time in Southeast Alaska, are very intentional about reminding themselves that all is a gift and, thus, all is deserving of thanks. The trees which might offer their wood, the berries which bring food, the salmon and bears which bring other food, the sunshine, the rain, the community, and all else provide the food, fuel, suppor,t and shelter we humans need to make this life journey possible.  My own heritage includes some Cherokee Indian ancestors (so I am told). The heritage of my aunt Pleasie (full blooded Cherokee) reminds me that I  need to be very intentional about showing up and paying tribute to the many blessings of this life journey. I was thinking of this last evening when eating a very simple meal of risotto, peppers, onions, and chicken.  The food fed my sense of smell, taste, and my general feeling of well-being and will help sustain me.

The word blessing or bless according to Merriam-Webster has the following history:

Old English bletsian, bledsian, Northumbrian bloedsian "to consecrate, make holy, give thanks," from Proto-Germanic *blodison "hallow with blood, mark with blood," from *blotham"blood" (see blood (n.)). Originally a blood sprinkling on pagan altars. This word was chosen in Old English bibles to translate Latin benedicere and Greek eulogein, both of which have a ground sense of "to speak well of, to praise," but were used in Scripture to translate Hebrew brk "to bend (the knee), worship, praise, invoke blessings." L.R. Palmer ("The Latin Language") writes, "There is nothing surprising in the semantic development of a word denoting originally a special ritual act into the more generalized meanings to 'sacrifice,' 'worship,' 'bless,'" and compares Latin immolare (see immolate). Meaning shifted in late Old English toward "pronounce or make happy," by resemblance to unrelated bliss.

Thus, the etiology of the word is associated with the actions of worship, sacrifice, giving thanks, or offering praise.   All of these require that we show up and be present to our own bodies, other people, and all other life and the general environment.   The opposite of showing up is to take for granted or to be in the world without being present with the world.  Dr. Remen divides the stories in My Grandfather’s Blessings …” into six chapters—receiving your blessing, becoming a blessing, finding strength, taking refuge, the web of blessings, befriending life, and restoring the world.” One follows from the other. If I receive blessings or allow myself to experience them, I will and feel stronger and then take refuge in them/be encased in them.  This will connect me to the other blessings and open me to sharing with others, which will restore the world. 

Entitlement is defined by Merriam-Webster as:

1

A :  the state or condition of being entitled :  right

b :  a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract

2

:  a government program providing benefits to members of a specified group; also :  funds supporting or distributed by such a program

3

:  belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

Entitlement then refers to our rights as human beings. I do believe that we all have a right to love, food, quality medical care, safe housing, and all else that sustains me in this journey.  We are  all equally entitled to these ‘essentials” of life.  When, however, I think of them as my right rather than blessings I miss the sense of gratitude and, thus, the experience of being enveloped in the cocoon of the whole. If I, for example, eat food without a sense that the food is giving the gift of substance I will not feel a connection with it. I am not going to experience the sensuousness that I experienced in eating my simple dinner.  If I have safe, warm housing as an entitlement I will not experience it as a home – a home I for which I can feel grateful.  If I am given anything and I accept it as my entitlement, I will not feel a sense of connection. It is a very lonely existence, which is likely to lead to anger, resentment, depression, and anxiety because I am not allowing myself to be connected to.   If I received medical care it will be from a functionary and not a loving/healing person. Thus, the medication or medical procedure is not likely to be effective. 

I am not suggesting that a person who feels entitled should be chastised, punished, or criticized. I am suggesting that we need to continue to invite them into a loving space.  It is only when we allow ourselves to experience that loving space that we can feel gratitude. It is only through gratitude that we can feel blessed. It is only through a sense of blessing that we will feel strong and know that that we are worthwhile. It is from a sense of knowing we are worthwhile that we have something to give back. It is only through giving back that we get.  It is only when the circle is complete that we can experience physical, emotional and spiritual healing.

If one researches the concept and etiology of nuclear families, one quickly realizes that there is a significant amount of disagreement about such issues as:

·      What constitutes a nuclear family?

·      Did nuclear families begin with the industrial revolution or around the 13th century in some parts of the world?

·      Are they an effective model for modern society?

·      How long should parents be responsible for adult children? Does conception of a child automatically make them legally and morally responsible for the child for as long as they live?

·      Are adult children responsible for their aging parents?

·      Who assumes responsibility for a differently abled adult child when the parents are no longer able to take care of them?

·      What are the rights of the child?

·      What are the rights of the parents?

·      Who is responsible for aging, impaired adults?

·      When the parents are no longer living together who is responsible for the impaired adult children?

In my practice as a family therapist and a life coach I daily deal with parents and children who are struggling with impaired adult children or adult children who are struggling with needs of their aged or otherwise impaired parents.  If both parents are living in the same home there is often disagreement over the extent of the responsibility for adult children.  Even family therapists disagree about when it is helpful to provide financial and emotional support for adult children when the adult children are actively addicted, living with a chronic mental illness, or an impairing physical illness.  If the parents feel as if the adult children are getting the care they need and will stabilize at some point, it is usually easier to accept responsibility.  When it seems as if there is no end in sight and the adult child is unable to get help, they may be demanding, destructive and not able to participate in family life.  The same situation can occur with parents who are living with adult children.

In the United States, partly because of past abuses and partly because we value the illusion of individual choice, it is very difficult to force someone to get the treatment they may need to stabilize their health.   An alcoholic or other addict whose thinking ability is affected by their illness may be demanding, blaming, angry, distrustful, and generally disruptive of any normal routine of the family.  Often one parent is ready to tell the adult child that they cannot live at home if they are unwilling to get help and the other parent is unable to agree to forcing the child to leave the home until they are ready to get the help they need.  It is very difficult to force a child to leave if one knows that they are going to be homeless.    Once a child or adult parents are stabilized they may be eligible for housing or other assistance. Of course, they have to agree to get that assistance.

As anyone knows who has worked with programs serving the homeless, a great many individuals and families do end up homeless.  Sometimes, individuals and families qualify for and can accept help with housing and other needs.  Sometimes they cannot.

In general, we are a society, which depends on people being able to support themselves and live independently.  If someone had earned a decent income and then can prove that they are now disabled they may qualify for a decent disability payment and be able to live decently on their own.  Some may qualify for and be able to enter residential treatment programs.   Frequently, even if someone qualifies and is willing to accept that assistance then there is a long waiting period before a vacancy is available.  In the meantime, the individual may get so desperate that they do something, which results in new legal or medical issues.

As we, as a society, are able to keep older people alive longer, diseases such as Alzheimer’s may make their care very difficult at best and impossible if one is working.   Again, there may or may not be the funds or the availability of a residential living facility where they will be given the level of respectful, competent care that they need.

Frequently the adult children attempting to take care of aging, mentally, or physically disabled parents, or the parent(s) attempting to take care of a mentally or physically impaired adult child because exhausted, frustrated, and angry.   In their effort to make sense of the situation or to find a solution they may result to blaming the ill person or, if living with a partner or other family member, they may blame that person.   The truth, of course, is that there is no one who is at fault.  No one deliberately sets out to be emotionally or physically ill.  

  Despite what it may seem no one asks for an addictive disorder. Most people can drink, even experiment with some other drugs safely, take prescribed pain medication, or engage in other behaviors without becoming addicted.    We have all been complicit in either designing or going along with a cultural system which is often unworkable.

In many older communities and in some other animal communities, it is accepted that the entire community is one unit; all people in the community share responsibility for each other. There may be rules and rituals for sharing responsibility for ill or otherwise impaired individuals.  In intentional communities such as the Bruderhof, all people are the responsibility of the entire community.  As long as one agrees to live within the boundaries of the belief system, all needs will be taken care of and provided for. (www.bruderhof.com) There are a number of other intentional communities in the United States and other countries but they comprise a very small part of the overall population.  If one wants to learn more about these communities one can goggle intentional communities. Most of these communities will allow visitors.  Some such as the Bruderholf will allow visitors. Generally one pays for housing and food by agreeing to do a certain amount of work while staying there.  At the Bruderhof, for example, when I was visiting I worked in the top factory making wooden blocks.

There are also intentional communities, which combine the concept of nuclear families with the concept of shared resources and shared responsibilities. Many cities have such communities.

For those active in larger religious communities there may be shared resources and shared help again combining the concepts of nuclear family and shared responsibility.

Most of us, however, are not living in such a community. At some point we may be forced, for a number of reasons, to explore options other than the isolated nuclear family.   For now, we need to be more honest, as a community, about what is working and what is not working in our current system.   We might want to consider, at a minimum:

·       Allocating more resources for those who are differently abled. This may mean allocating resources differently.  Currently we are spending a lot of money to house mentally ill and addicted individuals in jails.

·       Revisiting laws, which allow mentally impaired individuals to be involuntary committed to treatment.

·       More public support of experimental housing and living alternatives.

·       Letting go of the illusion that we all have “free will” and that someone has to be blamed if a family member cannot function and cannot allow themselves to get the treatment they need.

·       Being more realistic about the use of resources, including housing.

·       Exploring application of the concepts of differently abled vs. disabled to our current programs such as social security.

·      More open discussion of what is working and what is not working in our current system; letting go of the public illusion that all good people live in a functional nuclear family and can take care of each other without outside assistance.

This morning my friend Becky, with whom I correspond daily via email, shared with me her plans for keeping in touch with her nephew when he begins the next phase of his life as a college student.  She has been aunty mom to this wonderful young man since his mother died when he was nearly 12 and his father had died when he was 8.    She will send regular “care packages” and notes/letters to him.   Of course, she will go with him to get him settled into the dorm suite he is sharing with two of his close friends.  She will also be available via phone, text and email.   

Although Becky and I daily use email we also, we still, on occasion, send hand written notes to each other We do both find that we appreciate the speed of email as opposed to sending letter via mail. The handwritten notes are usually brief.  I write my with a fountain pen kept expressly for that purpose. I regret to say that my handwriting is not a work of art as is that of many people whom I know.

Most letters I now type.  I write regular letters to a variety of people including my aged mother who, until her eyesight got so bad regularly wrote to me.  I also write letters, which I send via snail mail to a number of other folks including some folks in jail.  

Until fairly recently letter writing was the only way of keeping in touch with people who one could not personally visit on a regular basis. When I was growing up the telephone was reserved for local calls but even then only if one could place a call when others on the “partly line” were not using the phone or “listening in”.    This left letter writing as the only way of keeping in touch.   I do not recall getting many letters from my mother’s relatives in Ohio and Illinois although I do remember some irregular correspondence. Perhaps it was more regular than I knew of or now recall.  When I stayed with my paternal grandparents there was a daily time to do “intellectual, spiritual and emotional chores”.  After the farm chores and the evening meal was completed, Grandmother Fannie would announce that it was time to do our those intellectual, emotional and spiritual chores.   The options, as I my memory recalls them, was that one could play music on the piano or other instruments I am sure (I did not play), read/study, write letter or, I suppose pray. I do not recall individual prayer as one of the options which makes sense.  Goodness knows what the content of a prayer might have been for growing children.

Once I left home, initially as a member of the United States Navy for four years, letter writing was a regular way of keeping in touch with Grandmother, my parents, and my Aunt Pleasie and Uncle Harold.  I have no idea why I did not write letters to many others. Of that group only my mother is now living and, as I mentioned, her eyesight no longer allows her to write.  Two of my siblings keep fairly regular contact with me via email.   My son also keeps in in touch via email.  He and his mother keep his touch via phone.   

On a daily basis I spend an average of two hours initiating and/or responding to emails and now text messages. Several times a week I will respond to letters via snail mail. I am not likely to pick up the phone very often although I frequently use the phone as a means of communication with clients and to conduct other business dealings.  Even though I have now had a cell phone for many years on which I can talk for hours with no additional fees, it seldom occurs to me to pick up the phone just to chat with someone.  I am much more comfortable with the written form of communication.  Is one form of communication more effective than others?  I have no idea.  I just know that letter writing allows me the luxury of being more intentional about slowing down and sharing thoughts, concerns and ideas with another person.   I still eagerly go to the mailbox daily.   If, once the mail arrives, I have an open block of time I will respond that day to any letter that I receive. 

I have long enjoyed reading published books of letters of famous people such as Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Mann, John Adams and Thomas Merton (just accidental that I immediately though of three famous people whose first name was Thomas)

There is a web site, the title of which I find quite amusing.  It is “Artofmanliness.com” On this site in an article written by Bret and McKay “The Art of Letter Writing”.  I have no idea of how the art of manliness differs from the art of womanness but bit that as it may, the McKays list the materials one needs for letter writing – a supply of fine stationary in various sizes, a fountain pen, wax and seal, and an elegant letter opener.   I must confess that except for some blank note cards I do not have or use elegant stationary. I do use a fountain pen.  My letter opener is likely to be a kitchen knife or one of those marketing openers some business has handed out at some conference or another.   

I used to keep letters that I received. When I was getting ready to move last year I decided that no one, including my son, was likely to be interested in inheriting boxes and boxes of letters.    I destroyed most of them after spending days and days rereading many of them.  I also, at the same time, destroyed most of my journals.  I kept a few, which my son will keep or throw out.

I had one letter from my father, which has somehow disappeared during one of the many moves I have made.

Times change and art forms change.  Perhaps we will, like Hilary Clinton, have thousands of emails to sort through and decide if they need to be saved.  At least the memory stick or other external storage drive will be more compact than paper and pen letters. Yet, there is a part of me which will still go to the mailbox and look for that now rare treasure – a handwritten, will thought out, personal note sharing news, ideas, questions and musings.   Perhaps a week after I get a telephone call that someone dear to me has died, I will go to the mailbox and find a letter written the day before the person died. I will smile, smell the letter, imagine the person and with grateful tears read the missile as if it was the greatest treasure anyone could have left. This happened following the death of my grandmother Pickett.

This past Sunday, August 16, 2015 I was engaging in my Sunday morning pastime of listening to “On Being” with Krista Tippett.   This particular Sunday she was chatting with Katy Payne.

Katharine 'Katy' Boynton Payne (born 1937) is a researcher in the Bioacoustics Research Program at the Laboratory of Ornithology at Cornell University. In 1999, she founded the lab's Elephant Listening Project. (Wikipedia)

Mrs. Payne had spent her life not only raising four children but also observing and listening - in many ways joining their community - to elephants and whales.  Much as it seems true for blind people, she has spent a lifetime practicing listening by paying attention to the vibrations (my word associated with oral communication not only with human but also with whales and other animals.  She has discovered that at a wave frequency not normally heard by humans (below 20 Hz) not heard by most human’s animals such as elephants and whales communicate.  Most of we humans, unless be are blind or have specifically trained ourselves otherwise, do not notice or attend to these vibrations.  Bioacoustics researchers attend to the communication of animals that most of us do not experience.

In her study of the communication patterns of elephants she, in the spirit of Margaret Mead and other social scientists, has observed the familiar and communal patterns of elephants.  She has observed about elephants:

·      The females have a huge sense of responsibility.

·      When culling or other means/purposes destroys a community, the remaining elephants seem to become belligerent and depressed.

·      Other that being the co-progenitor the males is not involved in caring for/nurturing the females of the family/community.  In fact for the most part females are the cores of the community.  Elephants are a matriarchal community. 

·      Elephants (mostly females) grieve over the death of a youngster in their community.

·      Community is multi-generational.

·      Even if they have only been apart for a few hours when they rejoin each other they passionately greet each other – their level of excitement as evidence by verbal communication, movement, urinating and defecating is as if they have come together after a long absence.

·      The males other than donating their sperm are largely concerned with competition.

Mrs. Payne is also a Quaker.  Most readers will be familiar with the Quaker custom (Buddhist have a similar custom) of sitting quietly together listening in the silence for that inner voice or voice of their neighbor.  As an acoustic biologist who is also a female, she has honed her listening and observation skills to both observe and learn from the animals she has studied/spent time with.

Unlike what appears to be true for the elephants, whales and other animals, it would seem that theoretically we humans have the capacity to develop and hone skills which may be more natural for the opposite gender.   There may also be a larger range of differences across the gender lines. For examples, many men I know are more naturally nurturing than their females partners.  This is true, in my experience, in men regardless of their sexual orientation. I say this because the stereotype of the gay man is that he is more sensitive and nurturing than the average heterosexual man.  Whether it is a positive or a negative many women have also learned to compete in the world of business and finance in what was considered a very masculine manner.

I would also like to believe that we males are perfectly capable of learning to listen. In my work with couples and families I have guided many men in practicing the art of listening without offering advice or solutions.  Still, I must say that this does not seem to be a “natural” talent of most of we men.

So what are the lessons Ms. Payne has reminded me of which which I wan to share with the reader and myself?

·      We humans and many other animals are communal beings. Whether the “goal” is raising and nurturing the young or using the “excuse” of competition we seem to have a need to be in community.  Parker Palmer in his book A Hidden Wholeness…. suggests:

o   The journey toward inner truth is too taxing to be made solo: lacking support, the solitary traveler soon becomes weary or fearful and is likely to quit the road.

o   The path is too deeply hidden to be traveled without company: finding our way involves clues that are subtle and sometimes misleading, requiring the kind of discernment that can happen only in dialogue.

o   The destination is too daunting to be achieved alone: we need community to find the courage to venture into the alien lands to which the inner teacher may call us.

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/2004/10/Sitting-In-Circles.aspx#jg9gwpRDPgjAUGi3.99

Beliefnet.com

·      We need to hone our skills of listening to our inner voices, the voices of each other and the voices of the rest of creation.

·      Whether it is music, dance/movement, art or other forms of communication community requires that we show up and we listen.

·      There may be a direct link between depression, anger/belligerence and disruption of community. 

·      Lastly but not least, there are no “dumb” animals. Whether it is the music of the whales, the simple truth of the developmentally different, the sounds we do not hear but only feel or the dance of a blade of grass we have much to share with and learn from each other.

·      We must have enough ego strength or self-confidence to be comfortable with knowing and not knowing.

A person I have known for many years is on trial for murder. This man is accused of murdering his wife who had also been both a colleague and a client of mine. Both the husband and the wife had struggled with addiction for many years. For times they were able to stay clean and sober and be high functioning members of the community. The man, Larry, had, after getting sober and clean finished college and became a licensed teacher.  His wife, Sue, had been an addiction counselor and later owned and operated a restaurant.  They had also raised two children. 

It is alleged that Larry shot and killed his wife. She was shot three times –the brain, the face and back of the shoulder.  The defense had suggested that she committed suicide although the nature of the wounds does not substantiate this claim.  It has been suggested that both he and Sue had relapsed and were drinking at the time of the shooting.  I have not seen any reports about what, if any alcohol or other drugs were in her system when she died. 

Larry could be found innocent or convicted of murder or aggravated murder. He could not plead insanity.   Even though it is generally recognized and accepted that addiction is a chronic disease, which is as vulnerable to relapse as diabetes or other illnesses, being under the influence is not, in and of itself, an accepted defense for a criminal act.

Legally, insanity is:

“n. Mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior. Insanity is distinguished from low intelligence or mental deficiency due to age or injury. If a complaint is made to law enforcement, to the District Attorney or to medical personnel that a person is evidencing psychotic behavior, he/she may be confined to a medical facility long enough (typically 72 hours) to be examined by psychiatrists who submit written reports to the local superior/county/district court. A hearing is then held before a judge, with the person in question entitled to legal representation, to determine if she/he should be placed in an institution or special facility. The person ordered institutionalized at the hearing may request a trial to determine sanity. Particularly since the original hearings are often routine with the psychiatric findings accepted by the judge. In criminal cases, a plea of "not guilty by reason of insanity" will require a trial on the issue of the defendant's insanity (or sanity) at the time the crime was committed. In these cases the defendant usually claims "temporary insanity" (crazy then, but okay now). The traditional test of insanity in criminal cases is whether the accused knew "the difference between right and wrong,"

following the "M'Naughten rule" from 19th century England. Most states require more sophisticated tests based on psychiatric and/or psychological testimony evaluated by a jury of laypersons or a judge without psychiatric training. A claim by a criminal defendant of his/her insanity at the time of trial requires a separate hearing to determine if a defendant is sufficiently sane to understand the nature of a trial and participate in his/her own defense. If found to be insane, the defendant will be ordered to a mental facility, and the trial will be held only if sanity returns. Sex offenders may be found to be sane for all purposes except the compulsive dangerous and/or antisocial behavior. They are usually sentenced to special facilities for sex offenders, supposedly with counseling available. However, there are often maximum terms related to the type of crime, so that parole and release may occur with no proof of cure of the compulsive desire to commit sex crimes.

As one can see it is very difficult to prove that someone does not know right from wrong if the question is asked when the person’s mental illness has been treated and stabilized even if that was the not case at the time of the behavior with which the person has been charged.

One can claim voluntary or involuntary intoxication.   Involuntary intoxication would mean that someone had taken alcohol or other drugs without their knowledge, i.e. spiked their ice tea without their knowledge.   The following information on criminal.findlaw.com clarifies the fact that normally voluntary intoxication is normally no excuse for committing a crime.

Voluntary Intoxication

People often claim that, because they were drunk or otherwise intoxicated when committing a crime, they shouldn't be punished for it. Generally, however, voluntary intoxication isn't an excuse for committing a crime, and second-degree murder is no different.

In some states, intoxication becomes a factor when determining degrees of homicides, though, so it is possible that a second-degree murder charge could be reduced on the basis of the defendant’s intoxication at the time of the slaying. This cuts both ways, however, and the defendant’s intoxication may also constitute an aggravating factor in the killing.

Now I personally find legal definition of insanity and the legal restriction on explaining or justifying a crime when intoxicated very confusing. If, in fact, addiction is a disease which results in one not being able to resist the persistent, powerful urge to drink or use another drug, eat more food, get more money or purchase more things, then one is in an ordinary sense insane.  In fact many in the addiction field define insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results” As an addiction counselor I have known and currently know many very good people who clearly know right from wrong and consistently when not actively engaged in addictive behavior do the right/moral/ethical behavior. However, these same people, when under the control of their addiction, engage in behaviors, which are contrary to their value system. These people often express enormous regret and remorse for their behavior. Others hide their remorse from the “public” because they cannot admit to their shame and “keep it together”.

Larry is a man who often found it difficult to talk about his feelings. He had been treated for acute depression as well as addiction. His wife, Sue, had also been treated for depression and addiction.  Both, when using and/or acutely depressed had difficulty and/or found it impossible to have what I would consider a logical/sane discussion.

I had been to their home to visit their family on several occasions. Sometimes Larry, Sue and the children all came for a family session in my office.   If they were not drinking, using other drugs or in the grip of an acute depressive episode I felt comfortable taking Sam with me to visit them. Sam always enjoyed them and greeted all of them with generous hugs.   Thus, it was not surprising when Sam asked me about Larry’s and the very public trial.

Sam:  Everyone is saying that Larry is a bad person. Is Larry a bad person? 

Me: No, Sam. I do not think Larry is a bad person.  You knew that Larry and Sue both had problems. Remember we talked about that.

Sam:  Everyone says that he killed Sue!

Me: That is apparently true from what we now know.  That is very sad. We both loved Sue.

Sam:  Yes (wiping away a tear), I miss Sue. We will never see her again will we.

Ms.:  Well, some people believe that when we die we see all the people who died before we did, but no, we will not be able to visit he in the way we used to.  You remember that we went to the funeral and saw them put her casket in the ground.

Sam:  Yes.  Is she cold in the ground?

Me:  I don’t think she feels anything now Sam.

Sam: Is Larry going to prison?

Me:  I don’t know but I think that he may be in prison for a long time.

Sam:  But you said his mind was sick. If his mind were sick why would he go to prison?

Me:  I don’t know Sam. Some people think that even though alcoholism is a disease that we can make a decision of whether or not to drink. 

Sam: Like I can make a better decision to not eat candy before dinner.

Me: Exactly.  You know how difficult that can be. That is why I have asked you to try telling your parents or me when you feel like eating candy before dinner.

Sam:  Yes, sometimes I have done that and then I do not feel like eating candy.  That is strange?  Where does that feeling go?

Me: I agree that it is strange, but that is why some people go to those meetings attended with Joe.

Sam: That was fun. Everyone was really nice.

Me: I agree but Larry and Sue felt too bad to go to meetings or call someone some of the time.

Sam:  Larry must feel very bad.

Me: I am sure he does. He is a good man.  It cannot be fun in jail.

Sam: Could we make him a card and send to him?  I bet that would make him smile. 

Me:  I am sure it would. Let’s get our box of art supplies!

As is always the case, Sam lets me know when she is ready to end the discussion for now.  Often she later is ready to continue the discussion.   We may find that she revisit many of the issues associated with this sad situation.  Obviously many issues did not get addressed including the question of why Larry owned guns despite his history did not get addressed.  I will have to do some thinking about how to respond to Sam should she ask about this.

Religion  - spirituality

Friday, August 14, 2015 the Tampa Tribune carried an article by Kristen Mitchell entitled “Bay area’s rank in study draws the ire of conservative radio host.”  The article opens by stating “A recent study says the Tampa-St. Petersburg region has one of the lowest rates of religious affiliation in the country…..Radio talk show host Glenn Beck told his listeners Tuesday that St. Petersburg should be avoided because of the area’s ranking in the poll.    The figure here was 25 percent of the population compared to 22 percent nationwide.  Portland topped the rankings with 42 percent of its population unaffiliated…”

This prompted me to think about a discussion I have been having with a colleague/client about church and spirituality.   This young woman was taught that it in order to be a good Christian it is necessary to attend church – not just any church but the Orthodox church of which she is a member.  Yet, when she and her daughter attend she does not get a feeling of being welcomed home. She does not feel like a part of.  She likes the current priest who has made himself available and who is a very sweet, young man who sympathizes with her feelings. Perhaps he will be able to make some changes which will result in a larger, more welcoming sense of community, but I suspect that this will be an uphill battle. I am familiar with this church and the very good people who consider this “their” church.   In other words, there is not likely to be a broad sense of community  - a passionate embrace - created there any time soon.   It was interesting that when I met with the priest and my client, I found him to be a very kind, gentle man.  I did not, however, feel a sense of joy or passion from this man.  He seemed to be a very serious person. He was very different than my gym buddy who is the Inman at the local Muslim Mosque.  He greets me with a warm hug and a huge smile. The relationship is limited but joyful.  I feel God’s presence with this man.

Recently the young woman colleague/client started a new job where she has been warmly welcomed by some of her colleagues. When she is with them she feels welcomed and lovingly embraced in their circle of love. They have also been exercising together.   This feels very loving to her much more so than when she is attending the Orthodox Church service.

This prompted a discussion of “church” and the difference between spiritual and religious.

I found the following about the origin of the word church in the Christian religion. This explanation is basically repeated in several sources.

“Our word “Church” is one of those words that has impacted the world and has subverted the whole purpose for which it was intended. Because the translators used the word “church,” meaning a building, instead of a more accurate word reflecting a functioning body, it has affected our whole approach to the meaning of the body of Christ. We have been given a word from the translators that has nothing to do with the original Greek word ekklesia. There is not a single Greek word to back up the word church. So why is it there?  (Therealchurch.com   The Origin of the Word "church" (updated)

By Andy Zoppelt)”

Basically, in the Christian religion the term church has come to be used as a place of worship rather a group of people coming together to worship.

I also did some checking on the word mosque and found a general consensus.  We start with the verb meaning to prostrate one and then move to a noun meaning the place where one gathers to prostrate oneself before Allah.

“There has been in recent times much confusion regarding the origin of the English word mosque.

The word mosque is a translation of the Arabic word masjid (مَسجِد). The word masjid in Arabic comes from the verb sajada (سَجَدَ) which means ‘to prostrate,’ and a masjid is the place in which people prostrate. It can loosely be translated more generally as ‘a place of worship.’   (muslimspeak.wordpress.com)”

Likewise, if one looks up the word temple one finds it generally used to be a place of worship.

This journey then takes us to the meaning of worship.  In the Christian church, I have often referred to the words attributed to Jesus in Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”   One might then question what it means to “gather together in my name.”  

In John 4:16 one reads,  “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 

Thus, my understanding  is that when two or three are gathered together in love or with the intention of treating each other with love (agape) that is what it means to worship.    Church then becomes a place to gather in love or with love.

I am sitting writing this at Panera’s where I have been coming to work rather than spending so much time at home working alone.  As is true of many breakfast or coffee establishments, there are the regulars who visit, share family stories, welcome family visitors, ask about each other’s health, and offer to pray for each other. There are also others like me who nod good morning, but who have yet to establish a “place” in this gathering.  This, I know, is also a process. I am also well aware that it is also obvious that I, along with others, am working on my laptop.  Adults generally respect that we are at our office. On the other hand, a child will occasionally stop by to say hello and ask what I am doing.

My experience is that the people at Panera’s, the folks at the gym where I go every morning, or the gathering of friends are often something which feeds my soul. When I feel surrounded by loving spirits, I feel spiritually fed.  I feel the presence of what I choose to call God/higher power, Allah, Elohim.  Sadly, I have not yet found a physical religious service which gives me the same feeling of being fed. What I often hear when I am at a religious institution is a list of rules for how I should “feel, address, name, obey” their concept of higher power.  What I “hear” is this tiny concept of god, which is consistent with the god of the disciples who asked:  Who is that woman to whom you are talking Jesus?  Do you not know that she is an unrepentant prostitute?  Why aren’t you chastising her and making her confess her sins before you are nice to her?  (Obviously I am paraphrasing from such passages as Luke 7)

I have no idea if I will remain living in the greater Tampa area as I have for the last year. I do know that as long as I feel a spiritual connection with others I am not going to be concerned about whether or not my spiritual time is in a certain place, if the “right” language is used, or whether I am following the rituals proscribed by someone else.  I will “church” with others who are gathered together in a spirit of love.

School Bells

As we in many parts of the United States begin or prepare for the beginning of a new school year, I am thinking about what I as a citizen, father of a former student of formal schooling, uncle, and friend of numerous people sending their children off to school or home schooling want educators to be doing.  I am well aware that, increasingly, many school systems feel burdened by the job they think is expected of them. Many of the teachers to whom I talk feel as if they are to be teachers, mentors, clergy, and substitute parents.   I am also well aware that many parents who are home schooling seemed to have given a lot of thought to what they want their children to learn.  Additionally, I am aware that I undoubtedly know a skewed sample of individuals overall. Although I have had a varied caseload of clients in terms of income, education, and value systems, I know that both in my professional life and my personal life (I do not make as clear a distinction in these parts of my life as this sentence implies) I attract people who are creative, like to learn, and like to think outside the box. Most of the people I know and with whom I spend time are also very spiritual (not necessarily religious). By spiritual I mean they are very intentional about thinking about the values by which they want to live and which they want to share with children and/or others.   They tend to care a great deal about other people and to take care of their own health.   Even though many of the people I know have a lot of formal education, there are many who do not have many formal degrees but constantly challenge themselves to keep learning.

It I not surprising that many of the children who are home schooled are living in a two-parent family although a surprising number live in a one parent household.  Obviously for a one-parent family to home school they have to have a job, which allows them to work from home, or they have to have some independent source of income. There may be a few who are able to get some sort of public assistance, but at that level of income it is going to be difficult to give the children the sort of education one wants.  Just attempting to live on public assistance is going to zap the energy from most of us. 

The few statistics I could find suggested as of 2012 and 2013 the following:

The new report concludes that approximately 1,770,000 students are homeschooled in the United States—3.4% of the school-age population. NCES said that among children who were homeschooled, 68 percent are white, 15 percent are Hispanic, 8 percent are black, and 4 percent are Asian or Pacific Islander. Sep 3, 2013
https://www.hslda.org/.../2013090...Home School Legal Defense Association

Seventy-three percent of homeschool parents say they do it not for religious reasons, but rather because they are nonplussed by their local school’s academic instruction.

Entrepreneur is one of the five most common jobs for homeschool parents (the others are accountant, engineer, doctor, and lawyer).

The number of homeschoolers has increased 75% since 1999. I like feeling that I’m part of a nationwide trend.

Education.penelopetrunk.com (2012 statistics)

Most of us in the United States are going to continue to send our children to public school.  I found the following, which seems to be consistent with the reports of other studies I read:

Mar 28, 2013 - One in 10 U.S. students in grades preK-12 attends a private school ... tuition vouchers to parents who enroll their children in private schools. (huffingtonpost.com/…proportion-of-us-students…)

This means that somewhere between 86 and 87% of children in the United States are going to attend a public school.  We know, of course, that not all public schools are created the same. I am acquainted with parents that moved to a specific school district because of the reputation of the school system in that district. For example, the Shadyside section of Pittsburgh which had a grade school with an outstanding reputation and which was in the magnet school district was one such district.  Bethel Park (PA) was another with a stellar reputation.  Sadly, the average housing cost of those districts with which I am personally familiar are very high. Consider:

The median home value in Shadyside is $327,700. Shadyside home values have gone up 7.9% over the past year and Zillow predicts they will rise 3.8% within the next year. The median rent price in Shadyside is $1,375, which is higher than the Pittsburgh median of $1,200.  (Zillow.com)

The median home value in Bethel Park is $177,900. Bethel Park home values have gone up 3.1% over the past year and Zillow predicts they will rise 2.7% within the next year. The median rent price in Bethel Park is $1,095, which is the same as the Pittsburgh Metro median of $1,095. (Zillow.com)

Although there may be wonderful examples of good schools in more affordable housing districts often in my experience that does not seem to be the case. I am not implying a scientific cause and affect here but there does seem too often be a correlation, which just makes economic sense.

I am also well aware that there are those children who come from very economically and emotionally stressed families, live in a poor school district and end up attending and doing well in a top Ivy League school.  At the same time I am aware of very challenged children going to an Ivy League school because of the connection of their parents.  

On the whole, however, I think most of us would agree that most children would do better if we have a public school system where they can obtain a quality education.

Wait!  I still have not even attempted to define a quality education.  What do I think education entails? Does it merely mean a system for teaching children to perform well on standardized tests?  What standardized tests we should be using?  There is a lot of disagreement about this. This is also disagreement about the perceived amount of time children spend in school learning how to take standardized test.

Some school age children who are not doing well in a traditional school setting see that most people they know are:  working a job in a setting they find miserable (over 70% if recent studies are to be believed): seem to focus on accumulating things; and,  and are living in a world which one is encouraged to be part of a US invading force, carry a concealed weapon, and pay taxes only to find that many public officials are corrupt. Of course this is a skewed look at society. Still there are some important pieces of truths in these beliefs.

There have been many experimental models of education used in some US Schools.  One such model was:

Summerhill School is an independent British boarding school that was founded in 1921 by Alexander Sutherland Neill with the belief that the school should be made to fit the child, rather than the other way around. It is run as a democratic community; the running of the school is conducted in the school meetings which anyone, staff, or pupil may attend and at which everyone has an equal vote. These meetings serve as both a legislative and judicial body. Members of the community are free to do as they please, so long as their actions do not cause any harm to others, according to Neill's principle "Freedom, not Licence." This extends to the freedom for pupils to choose which lessons, if any, they attend.

The variations of this model, which I observed, focused on relationships.  That is, it was posited that the only purpose for learning certain skills was to explore ways to create a more just and workable community.    Students were not expected to learn just for the sake of learning.  Whether it was poetry, music, math, or engineering the focus was on how these areas of study could enhance the life of the individual and the community.    I am not sure how extensively this and similar models were used. Sadly in the school setting I observed, the students were largely Native American and the teachers were Caucasian. The teachers seemed to have little respect for the students or their historical traditions/beliefs.   Obviously a relationship model did not work well in this setting.

As a parent, an employer, a consumer, and a community member who is concerned about the quality of life, I would like all of us to learn, at a minimum, the following:

·      To color/think outside the lines.
·      To learn basic system theory and how it applies to our individual bodies, the family, the community and the world at large.
·      That we (bodies, souls) are all sacred and part of a whole, sacred universe(s)
·      That there are skills we can learn for creating food, housing, art (music, paintings, dance, pottery, etc.) health care and other ways of enriching our life experience as individuals and as groups. 
·      To laugh, dance, eat, and play together in a joyful, equal manner.
·      That successful people make many mistakes.
·      That we are our brothers and sisters keepers.

I am eager to share this blog and learn what others are expecting of the educational system in this country.

“Playing the patsy” - Educating Jim, Part II

The education of Jim continues.

Even though I have several times and even recently addressed this issue of bullying, I am going to once again present some of my current confusion about this issue in hopes that someone can educate me by letting me know where my mind is going amiss and not taking in “the facts.”

In the “our views” section of the editorial page of the Tampa Tribute on August 12, 2015, I read the editorial “Reject patsy treaty with Iran.”

My first thought was, “Are we really still in middle school?”  Really!  Patsy?  Merriam-Webster defines patsy as “a foolish person who has been tricked or cheated.”

The last paragraph of the editorial asserts:


 “Obama maintains that the alternative to this flawed treaty is war. But the world is likely to be far less safe if the United States, with the most powerful military in the world, plays the patsy to an oppressive, terrorist regime intent on annihilating Israel and violently opposed to Western culture.  This deal should be soundly rejected.”

It is again interesting that other than pointing out that we, the United States, can use military force, there is no concrete alternative offered.  Sanctions have clearly not worked. Mutual demonizing each other – the United States and Iran – has not worked.   Apparently, the theory is that we have not bullied enough while, at the same time, maintaining that either Iran or President Obama’s team of negotiators will not be permitted to bully us. 

As my readers know, I do not now believe that violence ever leads to a long-term solution to any problem or situation.  I also do not believe that bullying and threatening the end of a nation or the possible end of a nation (Iran towards Israel and Israel toward Iran) is moral, kind, or should be condoned.   At the same time, I am well aware that not everyone is a pacifist, and I certainly do not live in a nation which espouses pacifism. Just the other day I heard renewed recommendations to replace aging nuclear weapons.  We hold the threat of the use of nuclear weapons over other countries, as do other countries.   We remain the only nation which has used nuclear weapons. Other nations, which also do not hold to the pacifist beliefs, believe that as long as the United States, Israel, and other countries possess nuclear weapons that they, too, must have nuclear weapons if they are to be safe. Currently according to Wikipedia:

There are eight sovereign states that have successfully detonated nuclear weapons. [1] Five are considered to be "nuclear-weapon states" (NWS) under the terms of the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT). In order of acquisition of nuclear weapons these are: the United States, Russia (successor state to the Soviet Union), the United Kingdom, France, and China.

Since the NPT entered into force in 1970, three states that were not parties to the Treaty have conducted nuclear tests, namely India, Pakistan, and North Korea. North Korea had been a party to the NPT but withdrew in 2003. Israel is also widely believed to have nuclear weapons, though it maintains a policy of deliberate ambiguity regarding this, and is not known definitively to have conducted a nuclear test. [2] According to the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute's SIPRI Yearbook of 2014, Israel is estimated to have approximately 80 nuclear warheads. [3] Furthermore, according to Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists Nuclear Notebook 2014, the total number of nuclear weapons is estimated at 10,144. [4]

South Africa has the unique status of a nation that developed nuclear weapons but then disassembled its arsenal before joining the NPT. This means that there are three European countries, one country in the Americas, four Asian countries, zero Oceanian countries, and zero African countries which are known to possess nuclear weapons.[5] Nations that are known or believed to possess nuclear weapons are sometimes referred to informally as the nuclear club.

The same argument which has been successfully used in this country to pass laws allowing many citizens of the United States to carry concealed weapons are used to by various nations to justify having or attempting to possess nuclear weapons.   More weapons will lead to a safer world.  “People kill. Guns do not kill. Criminals or ‘bad’ people will get guns no matter what the laws.”   Certainly it is true that if we keep manufacturing guns and other weapons for use in the United States and to supply many in other world of this world, both healthy and unhealthy people will continue to gain possession of guns.  It is also true that as long as we continue to manufacture and/or “overhaul” our nuclear weapons and to develop new weapons delivery systems the rest of the world is going to find it difficult to believe that we are serious about our membership in the nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty club.  Armscontrol.org tells us:

‘’The United States has embarked on an overhaul of its entire nuclear weapons enterprise, including development of new weapons delivery systems and life extension programs (LEPs) for and modernization of all its enduring nuclear warhead types and nuclear weapons production facilities. Moreover, rather than constraining the role of nuclear weapons, the Obama administration’s 2013 nuclear weapons employment strategy reaffirmed the existing posture of a nuclear triad of forces on high alert. There are currently approximately 4,650 warheads in the U.S. stockpile, down from 5,113 in 2009, and another 2,700 retired warheads awaiting dismantlement.

Unlike other nuclear-armed states, the United States has modernized its nuclear arsenal over the past two decades mainly by upgrading existing weapons rather than fielding new types. The intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) force is the final phase of a decade-long $8 billion modernization intended to extend its service life until 2030. Similarly, beginning in 2017, the Navy will begin to deploy a modified version of the Trident II D-5 submarine-launched ballistic missile (SLBM) on ballistic missile submarines (SSBNs) to extend its service life through 2040. The Air Force has begun LEPs for the air-launched cruise missile and the B-2 and B-52 bombers.

Beyond these upgrades of existing weapons, work is under way to design new weapons to replace the current ones. The Navy is designing a new class of 12 SSBNs, the Air Force is examining whether to build a mobile ICBM or extend the service life of the existing Minuteman III, and the Air Force has begun development of a new, stealthy, long-range bomber and a new nuclear-capable tactical fighter-bomber. Production of a new guided “standoff” nuclear bomb, which would be able to glide toward a target over a distance, is under way, and the Air Force is developing a new long-range nuclear cruise missile to replace the current one.” (Armscontrol.org)

Obviously the department of defense is not going to confirm or deny the above if I call them. I have heard basically the same information from various sources, which leads me to think that it is accurate information. If anyone has more accurate information then it need to be published and clearly communicated to all other nations.  Assuming, however, that it is accurate, it is difficult for me to believe why any country, which is not an avowed pacifist country, would refrain from attempting to maintain and/or obtain nuclear weapons.  Of course, there may be “saner” countries that correctly surmise that if anyone decides to start a nuclear world war, whether or not every country has nuclear weapons will not make much difference.  The countries, which currently possess nuclear weapons., already  have the capacity to wipe out the entire human population. In fact, according to wmdawareness.org.UK states as of July 2015, “There are 16,400 nuclear weapons on Earth today, more than 20 years after the Cold War ended.”  Although I found some disagreement regarding the number of such weapons there seems to me no disagreement that there are enough weapons currently to destroy all life on this planet.

Although I realize that there are, in nature, some evidence of self-cannibalism, it seems insane that we humans would want to participate in creating, using as bullying power, or continue to manufacture such weapons.   Yet, we seem not only determined to do so, but to use them as a threat to keep others from doing the same things.  If my child said to me that he/she wanted to take an AK47 gun to school because other kids were bringing a 22 pistol to school, I would not allow him/her to do that.  I would certainly insure that the school officials keep all guns out of the school. Yet, some, here in Florida have been attempting to pass a law allowing concealed weapons on college campuses.  College/University officials seem to agree that this is insane.

Even if updating and creating new methods of delivery is technically okay under the terms of the current nuclear non-proliferation treaty, it seems inconsistent with the intent. Again, if my six-year old friend, Sam, said that she was going to take an modern version of the AK 47 assault rifle to school while the school was putting into effect the new rule forbidding all guns I would laugh and say, “Really poor try Sam. It is not going to happen.” In other words the statement would be so patently ludicrous that I could not take it seriously.

Yet, here we are wanting to use our muscles which everyone knows includes our nuclear weapons to force Iran to behave the way we want them to behave which is, paradoxically, very different than how we behave.  Whew! Think about that sentence.

I suspect that I will continue to be challenged and attempt to get more educated about these and similar matters in the days and weeks to come.  Jim may need to get very old before he can claim to be educated. He is certainly feeling pretty stupid right about now.

On Tuesday, August 11, 2015 I was reading an article by Patrick Buchanan on page 7 in the Tampa Tribune entitled “Netanyahu vs. Obama: A Fight to the Finish.”  I was intrigued by the article for a couple of reasons, not the least of which was that it seemed as if Mr. Buchanan was taking himself out of the box into which I had placed him based on my perception of his political views. To wit, he seemed in this article to be supporting the deal, which John Kerry and several allies have brokered with the government of Iran.   When I checked further on Buchanan.org I found the following written by Mr. Buchanan.

“Our principal enemies are now al-Qaida and ISIS. And while both have been aided by our old allies, Turkey, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia, both are being resisted by Iran.

But, we are reminded; Iran’s regime is founded upon ideological hatred of America. But, so, too, were Mao’s China and Stalin’s USSR. Yet Nixon forged a detente with Mao and FDR partnered with Stalin. And Ronald Reagan negotiated a strategic arms deal with the “evil empire” of his time.”

Although I disagree with Mr. Buchanan’s attitude toward Israel and in particular Mr. Netanyahu, I do find myself agreeing that it is important to support President Obama and our allies in approving the agreement reach with Iran.   Once again, I have to admit that my own self-righteousness has led to my misjudging someone. 

I can do nothing but look up more information on Mr. Buchanan.  I found that politically he is identified as one of the chief paleoconservatives or Paleocons.  Paleconservatives?   Where did this term come from? I have obviously not paid close attention since apparently this is not a new term. What do paleoconservatives believe?  On the website,usconservatives.about.com I found the following:

Paleocons do not subscribe to any one particular party line, though they do align with the majority of conservatives in that they adopt traditional values, and most often oppose abortion, gay marriage, and gun control.

Paleocons support capital punishment and a close reading of the U.S. Constitution.

Kirk is one of the heroes of the conservative movement. He is credited with establishing the 10 core principles of the paleoconservative movement in 1993:

1. The conservative believes that there exists an enduring moral order.

2. The conservative adheres to custom, convention, and continuity.

3. Conservatives believe in what may be called the principle of prescription.

4. Conservatives are guided by their principle of prudence.

5. Conservatives pay attention to the principle of variety.

6. Conservatives are chastened by their principle of imperfectability.

7. Conservatives are persuaded that freedom and property are closely linked.

8. Conservatives uphold voluntary community, quite (sic) as they oppose involuntary collectivism.

9. The conservative perceives the need for prudent restraints upon power and upon human passions.

10. The thinking conservative understands that permanence and change must be recognized and reconciled in a vigorous society.

Oh dear. I could spend days thinking about, analyzing, and attempting to clarify each of these principles.  On the surface, some of them seem consistent with what I believe. Others are more confusing to me. I also, as any of my regular readers, will know, am in favor of a woman’s right to choose, same sex marriages, and gun control.

On the other hand, I agree that we must continue to pursue a diplomatic agreement with Iran – a way to live in the world with them without pursuing a policy, which could eventually result in a nuclear war.   I also agree that the United States should not allow Mr. Netanyahu or the Israeli Ambassador, Ron Dermer, to dictate our response to the agreement with Iran.  

Mr. Buchanan says “The president should declare Dermer persona non grata and send him packing, then tell the Israeli government we will discuss a new arms package when you have a prime minister who understands that no nation interferes in the internal affairs of the United States. None….. Deal or no deal it is time America started acting like America again.”

The problem I am having with this response is that while telling another nation that they cannot dictate our policies, he seems to be basically advocating telling them that we have a right to dictate their policy.     

It seems to me that arrogance and self-righteousness are perceived characteristics of the United States, which makes us so disliked and disrespected by many in other parts of the world. We are often perceived as a bully.   The proposed Iran deal is an attempt to change that policy or could be a step in changing that policy.

I have no idea how I would feel or what I might believe if I were Jewish and had been in the death camps or had relatives in the death camps.   The Jewish people have survived a long history of being treated less than human and attempts to make them extinct.   When another country such as Iran has a leader who threatens them, I can understand their reluctance to offer an olive branch. Yet, at the same time, many in the Jewish state, including five of the past chiefs of the Intelligence branch of the government of Israel have admitted that violence leads to more violence leads to – that once the first shot has been fired in a conflict the goal becomes punishment and not justice.  Regardless of how we feel about statements by leaders of such countries as Iran, bullying has not worked.  Whether it is economic bullying, weapons bullying, or other forms of bullying, we humans do not respond well to such behavior.

We cannot bully Israel or buy them off with aid.  We have, as a country, used “our” money and resources such as weapons in an attempt to impose our will on other nations for a very long time. The world is not safer, more just, or more excited about doing a slow, romantic waltz with the United States.  We might get a polite bow but that is far from an embrace.

Just as I need to quit pigeon holing individuals such as Mr. Buchanan and just as I need to approach him with true respect, we, as a nation need to begin to approach the leaders of other nations with respect.

It is easy for me from my very safe and comfortable home to throw stones at Mr. Buchanan, Mr. Netanyahu, or others with whom I may disagree at times.  It is much more difficult for me to take a deep breath and listen.  For me, listening means putting myself, as well as I can, in the shoes of others – to walk their historic walk.  Then, and only then, might I begin to earn the right to even have an opinion on the issues about which they are concerned.

For some reason, last night a favorite poet of my, Nikki Giovanni, who had been resting in the recesses of my mind for some time, popped into my consciousness for a visit.  Her poem “Winter Poem” came to mind.  The poem is, for me, a metaphor for evolution or the process of becoming.  Perhaps I thought of it because I had earlier last evening talked with parents of a 26-year-old son who is exploring reclaiming himself from the chains of addiction.  This very fine young man who has seemingly been captured,  bound, and locked in a room by addiction for far too long has always held onto the tiny sliver of a prison door “window”  - you know, the kind that guards look through – to try to see a world outside that door. Of course, as with any prison door, nothing but the bleak hall way was available for viewing.  Yet, sometimes it was enough to remind him that hallways had to have a way out.

It seems overly simplified to suggest that it is enough to love this  young man – to hold tight to that seed within him which is just waiting to burst open – to blossom into that bundle of love which is aching to spring forth into life .  I know that seed has always been there, but when one sees that sliver of light which catches the shining life which hides behind the door, it is  sometimes difficult to trust one’s sense.  

Let me share with you Nikki Giovanni’s poem, “Winter Poem.”

TUESDAY, SEP 01ST, 2009

Winter Poem, Nikki Giovanni

once a snowflake fell
on my brow and i loved
it so much and i kissed
it and it was happy and called its cousins
and brothers and a web
of snow engulfed me then
i reached to love them all
and i squeezed them and they became
a spring rain and i stood perfectly
still and was a flower

As the snowflakes of life fall on us, it is easy to dismiss one snowflake as “just a snowflake.”  The snowflake may arrive in the form of a kind word, a smile, a thinking of you card.  It may arrive as something the size of a mustard seed.  We may find it easy to brush it off.  Instead, as Ms.  Giovanni suggests, one is called to stand perfectly still, embrace it  while it calls its cousins and brothers.

Sometimes I have been in an evangelical  or Pentecostal church service – often an African American service – and watched as “the spirit” visits one of the members of the congregations. Suddenly the person is surrounded by a loving circle ready to hold and embrace while still allowing room to  fully birth the spirit.  Once the birth is complete the person may fall  down in an exhaustion which always follows birth of an idea, a new creation, a baby, or love.  The members of the congregation who are used to bearing witness to such births give thanks. One can hear the chorus of “Praise Jesus.”

If one is visiting such a service for the very first time  one may get a bit anxious and uncomfortable. The nakedness of the emotion and the uncertainly about what has possessed this person may make one want to leave. Yet,  if one stays and even returns, one learns to be one of those who encircles without smothering or directing.

That is what we must do with the suffering addict, the growing child, the  emerging idea, or the potential healing.  We must stand by with love and envision the dissolution of the shell which is protecting the egg.   Around the world there are many healing techniques such as Ayurveda which focuses on using positive energy to heal.  There are reports of tumors dissolving following the circling of the bed of the patient by the health care team who simply send positive, healing energy to the individual.  Often many in our Western culture have a difficult time trust this very scientific corralling of the energy fields.  

I am going to assume that all of us have had the experience of entering a space – a house, car, hotel, conference room, garden – which feels very negative.  We “intuitively” know that something negative has gone on in this space and has left a lot of that negative energy which threatens to engulf and trap us.  We know that energy is real and that it can be measured.  It is a life force and, yet, because we cannot see it (some apparently can see it) we doubt its effectiveness.  We like something more “evidence based.” Evidence based is the current “test” for the cost effectiveness of a treatment for addiction, mental illness, broken limbs, or some other “dis ease” of the human body.  We do not want to pay for something which cannot be  outlined in concrete steps and which we can’t “see” and measure.  If we tell the insurance company that we are just going to stand or sit very quietly and “send” positive energy to the person – that we are just going to send energy to crack open that mustard seed which is then going to spread out and take over the body of the person healing as it invades very cell -  we are likely to be told that the insurance company is not going to pay. Our supervisor will chide us for not being evidence based. 

Yet, there is solid evidence that loving, positive energy heals. Always?  No. It does seem as if there is a time also for the end of this life journey.  There is in the words of Ecclesiastes

For everything there is a season,
A time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest
A time to kill and a time to heal
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time for war and a time for peace.

While I might personally think that there is a danger in taking this passage too literally, I do know that I am not in charge and that there are times which I need to actively engage in the art of healing/loving and times when I need to let go. Sometimes I just need to let the snowflakes come and take over.

Winter Poem by Niki Giovanni

once a snowflake fell
on my brow and i loved
it so much and i kissed
it and it was happy and called its cousins
and brothers and a web
of snow engulfed me then
i reached to love them all
and i squeezed them and they became
a spring rain and i stood perfectly
still and was a flower