This morning I had a text from dear friends whose 26-year-old son has finally agreed to go to a treatment facility for his alcoholism. Again. Once there, he ended up in ICU with aspirated pneumonia and very high blood pressure. He wants to come home. His loving parents are refusing to go get him. Fortunately he is some miles away. Last night I had a text from another dear friend whose brother’s child, a 22-year-old young man, is struggling with addiction. He was back in treatment, but got sent home with kidney stones. He cannot return to treatment until he no longer has kidney stones and has no need for pain medication. Already he has stolen money out of his mother’s purse. Another young man in his early thirties has relapsed again. His father and one of his siblings also struggled with addiction. His mother and his other two siblings have suffered with the effect of this disease for many years. I could name many other folks I know who struggle with various addictions – power, money, alcohol, other drugs, sex, work, shopping, or food.
Every parent knows that one does not try to have a logical discussion with a 13-year-old. They may appear to be capable of a logical discussion, especially if they want something. Actually they may have a moment of apparent logic, especially if talking about music, video games, or some other passion of theirs.
It is said that an addict quits developing emotionally when they start running from themselves. This is, of course, the purpose of addiction. Initially, an addict might think that they can occasionally get a break from being with their emotionally confusing selves. Some can safely do this and come right back to facing themselves. Many cannot. For those who cannot, no matter how chronologically old they are, it will be impossible to have a logical discussion with them. They can have moment of seeming maturity but often they will later (years and years later in many cases) reveal that they were attempting to get you to give them something or do something for them.
Most of we parents – certainly this parent – see at least two images when we look at our chronologically adult children. My son will soon be 45 (I was very, very young when he was conceived! Liar, liar, pants on fire). Those images are:
· That beautiful, innocent, dependent, little baby we brought home from the hospital. The image melts my heart.
· This adult, attractive (of course), bright, charming, adult whom one would choose as a friend.
If one has a child who has lived with a disorder such as addiction, autism or some other disorder, which made it impossible for him or her to emotionally develop “on schedule”, one might also see:
· This Halloween monster with wicked teeth designed to destroy one in an instant.
· This seemingly sweet, bright, charming, logical, person who can switch in a moment.
· This humanoid recording whose language repertoire resembles the caricature of a sociopathic criminal attempting to function on the most hard core tier of the worst maximum security prison in the world. He/she has two words in their vocabulary – one begins with F and one begins with S. Often they are used together and frequently directed at the closest family members who are totally responsible for their unhappiness. (They always know which family member(s) will bite/accept this blame or get sucked into a pseudo discussion.)
The family members can readily understand why the addict chooses to run. At the moment has had to deal with this seeming thing which has taken over the body of one’s child, one is tempted to drink, poke out one’s eyes, plug up one’s ears, or do anything else which numbs one’s mind or blocks out this creature who pretends to be one’s loved one.
In other words, the situation is crazy making. All these various people can co-exist in the body of one’s child.
One can get advice from various people, which requires an acceptance of what for many of us might be a new vocabulary. From professionals, members of support groups, or books we learn words or phrases such as:
· Co-dependence
· Tough Love
· Co-addict
· Coward
· Unkind
· Fault/blame
· Faithless
· Caretaker
· Control freak
· Acceptance
· Guilt
· Triangulation
· 12-step-program
· Let go and let God.
The list could go on and on. Some of the books are very helpful at certain points, but none really have the answers. It is often as if the author of the words or phrases understands the innocent child or the monster, but not the fact that both co-exist.
The truth is, of course, is that there are no acceptable answers. Certainly there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer. There is always that person who has tried one method and their loved one got better because of or in spite of what they did or did not do. Our family members who disagree with our approach are not right and they are not wrong. No one knows what to do. Treatment has a notoriously low success rate the first time or second time or even the third time. Many people do get better and seemingly are able to avoid addictive behavior for the rest of their lives. Others seemingly do everything that is recommended – go to treatment, practice a daily recovery program, eat well, exercise, have a relationship with a higher power, pursue their passion professionally/artistically – and still cannot prevent relapses. We see with pattern with such chronic illnesses such as diabetes. We humans often have a difficult time consistently doing what we need to do to thrive. There are some who just seem to do what they need to do and apparently do not struggle. Perhaps some are like my former mother-in-law who put down her two pack a day cigarette habit/addict one day and claimed to never have a desire to smoke again. If asked how she did that she would claim it was because she had a clean conscience from which one might infer that she “knew” that one did not have a clean conscience. Bless her now departed soul!
If all this is true, why bother. We bother because we have to. We do not know when something will work and this dear child/person will heal. We do know the following:
· We are not powerful enough to cause an addiction or to cure an addiction. Do not blame self or other family member.
· Focus on what we do have control of – taking care of each other, seeking support, eating well, exercising, meditating/praying, laughing a lot, get lots of hugs from healthy people.
· Support groups – talking with others who are struggling – can help.
· Believe in miracles without counting on them.
· Addiction and other diseases are not personal – are not about you. It just feels as if one is being picked on!
· Forget right answers.
· Do not judge the addict but do not buy into their craziness.
· Forget logical discussions.
· Forget trusting the addict.
· Think 13 – the person is 13-years-old. They are not yet human!!!!!
· Laugh often.
· Love the person who continues to exist beneath the addiction. They are there and they are worth loving.
· Run screaming down the hall often!!!
· Rend (tear) one clothes, curse the gods and cry hysterically and then laugh!!
· Tell God to quit taking vacations! Really! Free will! What was he/she/it thinking?
Written October 21, 2015
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