A softer, easier way

​A softer easier way
 
As most of my readers know, in addition to being a licensed professional counselor I am a certified addiction counselor.  If I am helpful to those who hire me to guide them in the healing process it is at least partially related to the fact that I can often identify with their struggles. While I may not experience the exact struggle they do, I can easily identify with the common struggle of each of us.  One of these struggle is the attempt to avoid the often-uncomfortable work or behavior which will lead to the long term results we want.  Those who work for/with addicts and programs such as the 12-step recovery program have heard the phrase “a softer easier way”.   Sometime family members, friends, law enforcement officials and even counselors seemingly cannot understand why so many addicts or others refuse to choose a healing path when it is so obvious that their current behavior is going to have long term negative results.  Actually, there are a couple of very understandable reasons which are:
 

• When addicted to certain drugs or even other behavior, parts of the brain are not working well. When addiction or compulsion are in charge, the primary goal is to satisfy that addictive urge or compulsion.
• It is very uncomfortable to attempt to withdraw from certain drugs or even certain behavior.  By definition discomfort is discomfort.
• The compulsive behavior, the drug or other substance works temporarily.   Even if the half-life of the drug is very short one can get not only quick relief but what many describe as euphoria.

 
For years, I smoked cigarettes.  I continued to smoke even though I knew:
 

• Nicotine was unhealthy.
• Nicotine was offensive to others.
• Nicotine left a nasty film over everything it touched.
• Nicotine embedded in my clothes so that everyone smelled it on me even after I did not smoke.
• Cigarettes were expensive
• It was embarrassing to be an addiction counselor who refused to deal with his own addiction.

 
I continued to pretend to myself to mitigate the effects of my nicotine use by:
 

• Switching to a pipe, the smell of which many claimed to enjoy.
• Looking for new rationalizations such as smoking expensive English cigarettes which did not have any additives and, thus, were purported to be less harmful.
• Only smoking in outdoor areas - in rain, snow, on the deck of a ship while passing through the Icy Straight in Alaska.
• Only smoking in secret and using products to “sweeten my breath” as if that was going to hide the smell from my hair, clothes, and breath.
• Hiring therapists to help me uncover the underlying reasons for my nicotine use thus avoiding the fact that it was a “simple addiction” which was uncomfortable to let go of.
• Using nicotine patches, nicotine gum, medication such as Chantix in the hopes that my urge/desire/compulsion would just disappear.

 
In short, for many years, while I told those addicted to alcohol, other drugs, certain food and other behavior that there was not an easier, softer way I did my best to find an easier, softer way.  Obviously, I “knew” better, I am not mentally challenged and, yet, I was determined that I was going to avoid the discomfort of quitting.  In fact, I convinced myself that it is just too uncomfortable.  After all, the research confirmed that nicotine was one of the toughest drugs to stop.
 
Finally, I had to either decide that I was going to continue to allow nicotine to control increasingly major portions of my life or I was going to use the tools I recommended to others. These included a support group and the use of the 12-step program.  I also, for a time, took Chantix (¼ of a tablet the effect of which was probably more psychological than physical). I continued to exercise daily and eat a healthy diet. Gradually the craving or compulsion decreased.  The craving may still temporarily make a cameo appearance if the memory of the “pleasure” of smoking or the temporary blocking of the feeling of discomfort gets triggered by something someone does or says.  For example, not long ago I was at a funeral of a man who had been in recovery.  After the funeral while waiting for the wake I stepped outside into a sea of smokers. I immediately thought, “I need a cigarette.”  Fortunately, I knew by this time to correct that thought with “If I was a smoker I would have a cigarette, but I am not a smoker.”  The craving did not linger.  It seldom does these days.
 
I can often be tempted to find a softer easier way to do just about any task which I dislike or which I find unpleasant.  Occasionally, there is a softer, easier way such as with shopping. I dislike shopping and now do much of my shopping on line.  With the advent of Amazon Prime I can buy even laundry soap and have it delivered for free (I do pay an annual fee but because of the amount I order each order is nearly free for shipping.)
 
Perhaps there are people who have always taken the high road, no matter how uncomfortable, inconvenient, or distasteful.  I am not that person. I would like to think that 99% of the time I just do the next right thing and do not waste any time looking for a softer, easier way. Actually, I think that I often do, but if the level of discomfort is high I am always on the lookout for a softer easier way.  Today, in order to buy into a softer, easier way I have to convince myself and at least one trusted friend who is always honest with me that the softer easier way does not carry an overt or covert price long term or short time. 
 
Today I know that I am stronger than any addiction, compulsion or discomfort. I know that if I do the next right thing I will not die of discomfort and, most importantly, will not have any garbage to clean up later. 
 
 
Still, it behooves me to remember that it is human/normal to want to find a softer, easier way.  I do not want to ever pretend with clients or friends that one can just do it.   Healing or changing habits of thinking and behavior is a slow, methodical process.  We can all do it, but it is  almost never the softer, easier way.
 
Written June 2, 2017