Abuse and depression are cousins
I was thinking this morning while listening to Krrista Tippett’s interview with Craig Minowa, the musician, environmental scientist, father, husband, friend and spiritual seeker that depression and abuse have a lot in common.
Clinical depression separates us from much of ourselves, from others, the wider environment and the universe. If one spends times with and listens to individuals who are experiencing clinical depression one of the terms which will repeatedly be heard is disconnect. Individuals might or might not use that specific word although often, in my experience, they do. All of we humans experience moments of disconnectedness. I am not talking about the healthy feeling of having a moment of peace and not being inundated with demands of people or tasks. I am referring to those moments when one feels cut off from hope, from love, from anything positive. It is that feeling of nothingness. It is opposite of that feeling of knowing that one is a part of something larger - knowing that one is worthy and an important part of the whole.
Individuals who have a history of being held hostage by addiction frequently report that they have never felt a part of or connected in a loving way to anyone or anything. They do not even feel connected to themselves.
All states of being are, as we all know, interactional. Depression says you do not matter. Nothing you do matters. There is no purpose to your life. This is all there is! When that message is sent out to oneself and to that which is outside of oneself there is a resounding silence which says nothing. No response indicates that one is right. The lack of response is, in a sense, a response, which confirms what one already felt and probably has come to believe. Depression says that one is useful only if one performs a task. If one is unable to perform a task because of depression one has failed and, thus, is worthless. This is the feeling and the belief. Often this is the feedback from others who do not understand depression.
We may define abuse as any behavior or non-behavior which says that one is not important, one is not worth listening to, or what one is experiencing is not important. Abuse says that one is a functionary and if one is not as functional as another or as others determine one should be then one can be sold, ignored, disposed of or even killed. Slaves are taken care just enough to insure that they can perform a function whether that be as a servant, a sexual object, a farm animal or a symbol of one’s wealth and thus, one’s importance.
Abuse is certainly not limited to violent physical behavior such as hitting, choking, pushing, shoving, rape or other physically hurtful acts. Abuse is also behavior which discounts one as a human and treats one as a functionary. Abusive behavior can include, but is not limited to:
Mocking the feelings, needs and desires of another.
Not listening to another unless the individual is relaying information which another deems worth hearing – usually information which directly or indirectly benefits them.
Controlling – forcing or attempting to force the other person to behave in a certain manner. This is unrelated to helping a person cope with immediate danger.
Telling the other that they are ugly, worthless, not desirable, useless, or should feel lucky to even be tolerated; verbally abusing others.
Not allowing access to money, education or other resources which would allow them to separate from the abusive person.
Injuring one physically.
Cutting off access to friends and other resources. Often the abusive person might say that they are protecting the individuals from those that are fill their heads with sinful lies or are just using them.
Threatening them with accusations of mental illness.
Attempting to use the children as pawns - emotionally or physically.
Accusing the victim of causing them to behave abusively; crazy making self-centeredness – the abuser makes everything about them.
All of the above behavior is designed to cut one from support of oneself, the abuser, extended family and the larger world. The abused, in the end, feels totally disconnected. They are disconnected from their own feelings and mind. They can no longer trust their own truth. They are disconnected from others and from the God of their understanding or, if you will, the universe.
Clinical depression is caused by a weak part of the human system. It can be aggravated by stress but is not caused by stressed. Situational depression is caused by stress – internal or external. It is usually temporary unless one lives for a very long time in a very stressful environment – war, prison, abusive mental health facilities, abusive home situations, abusive or sub-standard nursing home, refugee camps, abusive work situations or other situations where there is long term abuse of some nature. One can, of course, be vulnerable to clinical depression which is activated by an external stress. It is also possible that even if one is not genetically a candidate for clinical depression, that long-term exposure to repeated trauma or other stress may permanently affect the ability of the body to function.
Most of us are equipped – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – to handle short term stress. None of us are well equipped to handle long-term stress.
It, of course, needs to be stated that what one person experiences as short term, negative stress, another will view as a learning opportunity or a time to make changes in their life.
Both abuse and clinical depression demand intervention. If there is no intervention the body’s ability to function and to heal will decrease until it is not able to heal.
Fortunately today in the United States and some other countries there are many more resources for both depressed people and many of those living in abusive situations or living with the effects of the abuse.
Healing from abuse and depression is not easy, painless or quick. Fortunately for the woman who has been or is being abused there are more resources in some areas although overcoming the psychological hurdle of admitting that one needs help is not easy for many. For the man who is being abused there are fewer public resources although some men and some women have money or insurance which will pay for treatment, shelters, etc. For the person who is dependent on referrals from doctors, staff of community mental health centers, prisons and jail officials there is often a paucity of help available. I do not mean to imply that all prisons and all mental health centers lack the willingness or resources to help, but many do.
If we, as a society, have labeled a person as worthless, undeserving of help, as responsible for their own abuse or otherwise as a throw-a-away, help will very seldom be available. The cost to everyone for this “sin of commission and omission” is monetarily, emotionally and spiritually very high.
We as a culture must learn to “listen” to each other so that we can identify those who are experiencing feeling disconnected whatever the cause of that feeling.
Fortunately, we all know what it feels like to be disconnected for a moment or much longer. If we listen to our own bodies we will be able to empathically respond to ourselves, children, friends, spouses, and neighbors as well as those we have labeled as those who are “throw-aways.” Truth be told, we cannot afford to throw away anyone. Everyone forms an essential piece of the whole.
Written April 16, 2016x
I was thinking this morning while listening to Krrista Tippett’s interview with Craig Minowa, the musician, environmental scientist, father, husband, friend and spiritual seeker that depression and abuse have a lot in common.
Clinical depression separates us from much of ourselves, from others, the wider environment and the universe. If one spends times with and listens to individuals who are experiencing clinical depression one of the terms which will repeatedly be heard is disconnect. Individuals might or might not use that specific word although often, in my experience, they do. All of we humans experience moments of disconnectedness. I am not talking about the healthy feeling of having a moment of peace and not being inundated with demands of people or tasks. I am referring to those moments when one feels cut off from hope, from love, from anything positive. It is that feeling of nothingness. It is opposite of that feeling of knowing that one is a part of something larger - knowing that one is worthy and an important part of the whole.
Individuals who have a history of being held hostage by addiction frequently report that they have never felt a part of or connected in a loving way to anyone or anything. They do not even feel connected to themselves.
All states of being are, as we all know, interactional. Depression says you do not matter. Nothing you do matters. There is no purpose to your life. This is all there is! When that message is sent out to oneself and to that which is outside of oneself there is a resounding silence which says nothing. No response indicates that one is right. The lack of response is, in a sense, a response, which confirms what one already felt and probably has come to believe. Depression says that one is useful only if one performs a task. If one is unable to perform a task because of depression one has failed and, thus, is worthless. This is the feeling and the belief. Often this is the feedback from others who do not understand depression.
We may define abuse as any behavior or non-behavior which says that one is not important, one is not worth listening to, or what one is experiencing is not important. Abuse says that one is a functionary and if one is not as functional as another or as others determine one should be then one can be sold, ignored, disposed of or even killed. Slaves are taken care just enough to insure that they can perform a function whether that be as a servant, a sexual object, a farm animal or a symbol of one’s wealth and thus, one’s importance.
Abuse is certainly not limited to violent physical behavior such as hitting, choking, pushing, shoving, rape or other physically hurtful acts. Abuse is also behavior which discounts one as a human and treats one as a functionary. Abusive behavior can include, but is not limited to:
Mocking the feelings, needs and desires of another.
Not listening to another unless the individual is relaying information which another deems worth hearing – usually information which directly or indirectly benefits them.
Controlling – forcing or attempting to force the other person to behave in a certain manner. This is unrelated to helping a person cope with immediate danger.
Telling the other that they are ugly, worthless, not desirable, useless, or should feel lucky to even be tolerated; verbally abusing others.
Not allowing access to money, education or other resources which would allow them to separate from the abusive person.
Injuring one physically.
Cutting off access to friends and other resources. Often the abusive person might say that they are protecting the individuals from those that are fill their heads with sinful lies or are just using them.
Threatening them with accusations of mental illness.
Attempting to use the children as pawns - emotionally or physically.
Accusing the victim of causing them to behave abusively; crazy making self-centeredness – the abuser makes everything about them.
All of the above behavior is designed to cut one from support of oneself, the abuser, extended family and the larger world. The abused, in the end, feels totally disconnected. They are disconnected from their own feelings and mind. They can no longer trust their own truth. They are disconnected from others and from the God of their understanding or, if you will, the universe.
Clinical depression is caused by a weak part of the human system. It can be aggravated by stress but is not caused by stressed. Situational depression is caused by stress – internal or external. It is usually temporary unless one lives for a very long time in a very stressful environment – war, prison, abusive mental health facilities, abusive home situations, abusive or sub-standard nursing home, refugee camps, abusive work situations or other situations where there is long term abuse of some nature. One can, of course, be vulnerable to clinical depression which is activated by an external stress. It is also possible that even if one is not genetically a candidate for clinical depression, that long-term exposure to repeated trauma or other stress may permanently affect the ability of the body to function.
Most of us are equipped – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – to handle short term stress. None of us are well equipped to handle long-term stress.
It, of course, needs to be stated that what one person experiences as short term, negative stress, another will view as a learning opportunity or a time to make changes in their life.
Both abuse and clinical depression demand intervention. If there is no intervention the body’s ability to function and to heal will decrease until it is not able to heal.
Fortunately today in the United States and some other countries there are many more resources for both depressed people and many of those living in abusive situations or living with the effects of the abuse.
Healing from abuse and depression is not easy, painless or quick. Fortunately for the woman who has been or is being abused there are more resources in some areas although overcoming the psychological hurdle of admitting that one needs help is not easy for many. For the man who is being abused there are fewer public resources although some men and some women have money or insurance which will pay for treatment, shelters, etc. For the person who is dependent on referrals from doctors, staff of community mental health centers, prisons and jail officials there is often a paucity of help available. I do not mean to imply that all prisons and all mental health centers lack the willingness or resources to help, but many do.
If we, as a society, have labeled a person as worthless, undeserving of help, as responsible for their own abuse or otherwise as a throw-a-away, help will very seldom be available. The cost to everyone for this “sin of commission and omission” is monetarily, emotionally and spiritually very high.
We as a culture must learn to “listen” to each other so that we can identify those who are experiencing feeling disconnected whatever the cause of that feeling.
Fortunately, we all know what it feels like to be disconnected for a moment or much longer. If we listen to our own bodies we will be able to empathically respond to ourselves, children, friends, spouses, and neighbors as well as those we have labeled as those who are “throw-aways.” Truth be told, we cannot afford to throw away anyone. Everyone forms an essential piece of the whole.
Written April 16, 2016x
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