Acceptance versus Assertive
This week I have been acutely aware of the struggle I have always had with deciding when to be assertive and when to just quietly accept something or someone. I know that I particularly struggle with this issues when I am not feeling 100%. This week, for example, I was visited by the flue which, of course, sapped my energy. When my energy is low, I get overwhelmed easily and in situations which might call for acceptance or being assertive I could easily come across as aggressive, angry or judgmental. If I allow that to happen then I feel very guilty and sad. Later, it at all possible, I have to find a way to apologize.
I was in a situation yesterday in which I was not able to establish a productive relationship with someone in the service department of a store. I knew that I still did not feel well and became frustrated and “felt” as if I was not being heard and my concern was being discounted. I did end up walking out of the store without saying anything mean, but I did so in a way which was not kind. On might stay that all 5’5” of me stomped out. Hopefully, in the crowded store no one particularly noticed. I am glad that I left without being more nasty, but I know that if I had felt better I might have stayed and either talked to another staff member or tried harder to communicate with the young man. I did write a letter to the store manager today and after letting it sit another day will decide if I want to mail it. I am currently thinking that the manager needs to know that one of his employees is struggling to communicate in a helpful manner. Perhaps, of course, the employee was also just getting over being sick, had just broken up with a person he was dating, had suffered a disappointment or had some other issues. There, of course, is always the possibility that my not feeling well left me very vulnerable to feeling frustrated and ready to find fault with others.
I was even more suspicious of my own behavior since I had another instance of feeling as if I was not being listened to just a couple of days ago. How do I determine if I need to be assertive in these situations or just resign myself to the fact that I was not in a good position to evaluate my part in either of these situations. There are a number of people, had they been able to spend time with me this week, who would be happy to give me honest, loving feedback. I do not live with any of these people and I was not around them this week partly because I isolated so that I would not spread my flue germs
Writing is another options. If I can be as honest as possible and then sit back for a bit I might be better able to determine what behavior is more consistent with my core values.
As young man my repertoire of possible response was very limited. There were:
• Avoid,avoid, avoid,
• Mow down with anger and then feel intensely guilty.
• Sit with it for a bit longer than counting to 10.
Obviously, neither of those responses were productive or helpful. Sometime in my thirties, I think, I added a third possibility:
• Ask the advice of a trusted friend and follow that advice.
•
Fortunately, some wonderful people had entered my life at that time. One of those was a woman who became a good friend, was and is a mentor and was my clinical supervisor. She could respectfully and lovingly tell me what I needed to hear and although I might wince when I heard it I trusted it as loving and most likely to be accurate. Finally my attempts at putting myself in growth situations was working enough to have enough self esteem or self regard to accept that I could be a good person and still be wrong or way off base in my actions. That was huge. Finally , I was emerging as a human being with both positive and negative qualities. Making a mistake did not wipe out all my worth.
As we all know growing emotionally and spiritually is a process. Some days may feel as if we have made no progress at all. Other days it may feel as if we are finally deserving to be called a work in progress who does pretty well some of the time. At those times, it is much easier to determine if one should be assertive before letting some issues go or if one’s first action should be to just let it go. I seem to do better if I ask myself:
• Is there someone I trust who can help me decide?
• What is my motive? Is it to help change something for the better, to prove that I am good and they are bad, or to punish? How honest am I being with myself?
• Does it matter? Is it an important issue? Even though it may feel important at the moment what it the situation were reversed? If I am the one receiving the feedback, would it be helpful? If I let it sit for a few days how might it seem then?
• Lastly, what positive change is possible by either letting it go or addressing it in a loving manner.
An easy example for me is a person I know well. She is a good person, but her anger, her seeming habit of holding on to resentments for a very long time, and her caustic and biting sarcasm make it very difficult to remain friends with her. She often gets very lonely and feels unloved. I know, from past experience, that if I suggest to her that she sounds depressed she will hear this as a criticism, get hurt and then punish with her silence or in some other way. I want to accept her as she is, keep loving her unconditionally and, unless she asks for help let any digs or jabs go. No good will come out of being assertive with her.
In another case, I think the person really wants to provide a safe, loving office but the staff discount what patients say. In this case I think it could be helpful to to give some feedback about what I found difficult in the response of his staff.
If I have any doubt about whether to be “assertive” and address an issue or just ignore/let it go, my advice to myself is to ignore and let it go. Whatever I do I want to practice doing it with love.
Written March 3, 2016
This week I have been acutely aware of the struggle I have always had with deciding when to be assertive and when to just quietly accept something or someone. I know that I particularly struggle with this issues when I am not feeling 100%. This week, for example, I was visited by the flue which, of course, sapped my energy. When my energy is low, I get overwhelmed easily and in situations which might call for acceptance or being assertive I could easily come across as aggressive, angry or judgmental. If I allow that to happen then I feel very guilty and sad. Later, it at all possible, I have to find a way to apologize.
I was in a situation yesterday in which I was not able to establish a productive relationship with someone in the service department of a store. I knew that I still did not feel well and became frustrated and “felt” as if I was not being heard and my concern was being discounted. I did end up walking out of the store without saying anything mean, but I did so in a way which was not kind. On might stay that all 5’5” of me stomped out. Hopefully, in the crowded store no one particularly noticed. I am glad that I left without being more nasty, but I know that if I had felt better I might have stayed and either talked to another staff member or tried harder to communicate with the young man. I did write a letter to the store manager today and after letting it sit another day will decide if I want to mail it. I am currently thinking that the manager needs to know that one of his employees is struggling to communicate in a helpful manner. Perhaps, of course, the employee was also just getting over being sick, had just broken up with a person he was dating, had suffered a disappointment or had some other issues. There, of course, is always the possibility that my not feeling well left me very vulnerable to feeling frustrated and ready to find fault with others.
I was even more suspicious of my own behavior since I had another instance of feeling as if I was not being listened to just a couple of days ago. How do I determine if I need to be assertive in these situations or just resign myself to the fact that I was not in a good position to evaluate my part in either of these situations. There are a number of people, had they been able to spend time with me this week, who would be happy to give me honest, loving feedback. I do not live with any of these people and I was not around them this week partly because I isolated so that I would not spread my flue germs
Writing is another options. If I can be as honest as possible and then sit back for a bit I might be better able to determine what behavior is more consistent with my core values.
As young man my repertoire of possible response was very limited. There were:
• Avoid,avoid, avoid,
• Mow down with anger and then feel intensely guilty.
• Sit with it for a bit longer than counting to 10.
Obviously, neither of those responses were productive or helpful. Sometime in my thirties, I think, I added a third possibility:
• Ask the advice of a trusted friend and follow that advice.
•
Fortunately, some wonderful people had entered my life at that time. One of those was a woman who became a good friend, was and is a mentor and was my clinical supervisor. She could respectfully and lovingly tell me what I needed to hear and although I might wince when I heard it I trusted it as loving and most likely to be accurate. Finally my attempts at putting myself in growth situations was working enough to have enough self esteem or self regard to accept that I could be a good person and still be wrong or way off base in my actions. That was huge. Finally , I was emerging as a human being with both positive and negative qualities. Making a mistake did not wipe out all my worth.
As we all know growing emotionally and spiritually is a process. Some days may feel as if we have made no progress at all. Other days it may feel as if we are finally deserving to be called a work in progress who does pretty well some of the time. At those times, it is much easier to determine if one should be assertive before letting some issues go or if one’s first action should be to just let it go. I seem to do better if I ask myself:
• Is there someone I trust who can help me decide?
• What is my motive? Is it to help change something for the better, to prove that I am good and they are bad, or to punish? How honest am I being with myself?
• Does it matter? Is it an important issue? Even though it may feel important at the moment what it the situation were reversed? If I am the one receiving the feedback, would it be helpful? If I let it sit for a few days how might it seem then?
• Lastly, what positive change is possible by either letting it go or addressing it in a loving manner.
An easy example for me is a person I know well. She is a good person, but her anger, her seeming habit of holding on to resentments for a very long time, and her caustic and biting sarcasm make it very difficult to remain friends with her. She often gets very lonely and feels unloved. I know, from past experience, that if I suggest to her that she sounds depressed she will hear this as a criticism, get hurt and then punish with her silence or in some other way. I want to accept her as she is, keep loving her unconditionally and, unless she asks for help let any digs or jabs go. No good will come out of being assertive with her.
In another case, I think the person really wants to provide a safe, loving office but the staff discount what patients say. In this case I think it could be helpful to to give some feedback about what I found difficult in the response of his staff.
If I have any doubt about whether to be “assertive” and address an issue or just ignore/let it go, my advice to myself is to ignore and let it go. Whatever I do I want to practice doing it with love.
Written March 3, 2016
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