Addiction to a person (s)?
I have previously written about whether one can become addicted to a person. Although there is some professional disagreement about whether addiction is the correct term for those with this condition or state of mind there is no question as its validity. The symptoms or characteristics of this disorder include:
· The inability to let go of a relationship with another person or group of people despite repeated evidence that they cannot or will not consistently treat one with love and respect.
· Holding on to an irrational belief that this person can or will fill the void within
one.
· The belief that one can only be at peace if another person(s) behaves the way one
“knows they are capable of behaving” (capable of being the perfect friend
partner, boss, or colleague).
· The irrational belief that one needs a particular person and cannot be okay on one’s
own.
· Being willing to give up any semblance of self- respect to stay connected to this
person.
If one has experienced or talks to anyone who has been addicted to alcohol, other drugs, food, sex, things or any other substance one will recognize the same symptomatic, irrational relationship.
Just recently I read Hunter Biden’s biography Beautiful Things, This bright, highly educated, normally rational, loving, good man who was and is unconditionally loved by healthy people was kidnapped by his addiction to alcohol and other drugs. The addiction caused him to behave in ways which consistently violated his core values. Addiction to a person has the same tragic results, One may find the addiction is to a series of similar people, none of whom have the ability to fill the void one has inside of one or has the ability to be in a healthy relationship.
Some will use the term attachment instead of addiction to describe the dynamics of an irrational, abusive relationship. Despite all evidence to the contrary, one becomes attached to the belief that if one does or says the “right” thing the person will magically morph into the person who can love them unconditionally or fill the void within one. One “knows” the person has the ability to be the person they say they want to be. The person may abuse one overtly and covertly time after time. If one indicates that one cannot take any more abuse the person profusely begs forgiveness and promises to change. A honeymoon period follows, but eventually the abuse resumes. The pattern repeats over and over again. An entire family or small group may exhibit this pattern of behavior. This family may, in fact, be one’s biological family of origin or the family who adopted and raised one. One connects “family” with “love” which in this case is abusive. One knows that the Hallmark ads promises love comes from a family and “believes” that if one behaves in the “right” manner one will receive what one needs from this family. One returns again and again to this family and is tragically hurt again and again. They simply do not have what one wants or needs. I often suggest that the person who keeps “looking for love in all the wrongs places” go to the neighborhood convenient store and tell the clerk they want to purchase a new car. The clerk says that they do not carry new cars. One returns the next day and the next day but they still do not sell cars. Perhaps there is a desperate person hanging out near the convenience store who will promise to sell one a car. One buys the car only to have the police come to collect the stolen car.
If all evidence proves that a particular person, family or other group does not have what one needs or wants and, yet, one returns time and time again expecting a magical transformation one may be addicted to or have an attachment to a person, family or other groups. The problem is not with the person or group of people any more than the problem is with alcohol, another drug, food, sex, power or things. The problem is one holds on to one’s irrational expectation, demand, hope, or delusional beliefs despite all evidence to the contrary.
It is time to identify and work on the actual issue. It is time for one to surrender to the reality that one will never find what one needs “out there”. One does not need another person, substance, thing, food, sex or power to complete one or to avoid being with oneself. One can surrender to the truth that one is enough; that one has what one needs to face and live life on life’s terms. Hunter Biden had unconditional love, possessions, a fine intellect and some core beliefs. He was not missing anything to be a whole person before or after his brother mother, sister, and later brother Beau died. Of course, he grieved and mourned the loss of these people, but even if they had lived he would have had to come to an acceptance that he was enough; that he had what he needed to live a full and meaningful life. Obviously, there will always be a deep sense of loss but he is complete in and of himself. What Hunter has with his wife, children, dad and other relatives as well as friends is not the same as what he had with or might have had with his mom, sister or Beau but what he has is real and can be trusted.
When one lets go of the demand that the abusive person, family or group becomes who one has decided they should be one is able to give oneself what one needs. One can love them unconditionally for who they are. One does not need to invite them on one’s journey, but one also does not need to judge them or be angry with them for being who they are. One can then finally practice being at peace, be grateful for who one already is and accept the love of healthy people.
Written May 5 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I have previously written about whether one can become addicted to a person. Although there is some professional disagreement about whether addiction is the correct term for those with this condition or state of mind there is no question as its validity. The symptoms or characteristics of this disorder include:
· The inability to let go of a relationship with another person or group of people despite repeated evidence that they cannot or will not consistently treat one with love and respect.
· Holding on to an irrational belief that this person can or will fill the void within
one.
· The belief that one can only be at peace if another person(s) behaves the way one
“knows they are capable of behaving” (capable of being the perfect friend
partner, boss, or colleague).
· The irrational belief that one needs a particular person and cannot be okay on one’s
own.
· Being willing to give up any semblance of self- respect to stay connected to this
person.
If one has experienced or talks to anyone who has been addicted to alcohol, other drugs, food, sex, things or any other substance one will recognize the same symptomatic, irrational relationship.
Just recently I read Hunter Biden’s biography Beautiful Things, This bright, highly educated, normally rational, loving, good man who was and is unconditionally loved by healthy people was kidnapped by his addiction to alcohol and other drugs. The addiction caused him to behave in ways which consistently violated his core values. Addiction to a person has the same tragic results, One may find the addiction is to a series of similar people, none of whom have the ability to fill the void one has inside of one or has the ability to be in a healthy relationship.
Some will use the term attachment instead of addiction to describe the dynamics of an irrational, abusive relationship. Despite all evidence to the contrary, one becomes attached to the belief that if one does or says the “right” thing the person will magically morph into the person who can love them unconditionally or fill the void within one. One “knows” the person has the ability to be the person they say they want to be. The person may abuse one overtly and covertly time after time. If one indicates that one cannot take any more abuse the person profusely begs forgiveness and promises to change. A honeymoon period follows, but eventually the abuse resumes. The pattern repeats over and over again. An entire family or small group may exhibit this pattern of behavior. This family may, in fact, be one’s biological family of origin or the family who adopted and raised one. One connects “family” with “love” which in this case is abusive. One knows that the Hallmark ads promises love comes from a family and “believes” that if one behaves in the “right” manner one will receive what one needs from this family. One returns again and again to this family and is tragically hurt again and again. They simply do not have what one wants or needs. I often suggest that the person who keeps “looking for love in all the wrongs places” go to the neighborhood convenient store and tell the clerk they want to purchase a new car. The clerk says that they do not carry new cars. One returns the next day and the next day but they still do not sell cars. Perhaps there is a desperate person hanging out near the convenience store who will promise to sell one a car. One buys the car only to have the police come to collect the stolen car.
If all evidence proves that a particular person, family or other group does not have what one needs or wants and, yet, one returns time and time again expecting a magical transformation one may be addicted to or have an attachment to a person, family or other groups. The problem is not with the person or group of people any more than the problem is with alcohol, another drug, food, sex, power or things. The problem is one holds on to one’s irrational expectation, demand, hope, or delusional beliefs despite all evidence to the contrary.
It is time to identify and work on the actual issue. It is time for one to surrender to the reality that one will never find what one needs “out there”. One does not need another person, substance, thing, food, sex or power to complete one or to avoid being with oneself. One can surrender to the truth that one is enough; that one has what one needs to face and live life on life’s terms. Hunter Biden had unconditional love, possessions, a fine intellect and some core beliefs. He was not missing anything to be a whole person before or after his brother mother, sister, and later brother Beau died. Of course, he grieved and mourned the loss of these people, but even if they had lived he would have had to come to an acceptance that he was enough; that he had what he needed to live a full and meaningful life. Obviously, there will always be a deep sense of loss but he is complete in and of himself. What Hunter has with his wife, children, dad and other relatives as well as friends is not the same as what he had with or might have had with his mom, sister or Beau but what he has is real and can be trusted.
When one lets go of the demand that the abusive person, family or group becomes who one has decided they should be one is able to give oneself what one needs. One can love them unconditionally for who they are. One does not need to invite them on one’s journey, but one also does not need to judge them or be angry with them for being who they are. One can then finally practice being at peace, be grateful for who one already is and accept the love of healthy people.
Written May 5 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
RSS Feed