Addiction/attachment to a person
A woman who reads this blog messaged me this morning: “Jimmy could you blog about addiction to a person.”
There is a lot of controversy about whether one can become addicted to a person. The definition of addiction which I find most helpful is: Consistently looking to something outside of oneself to fill the void or to avoid dealing with the belief that we are not enough.
There are many studies which confirm that all of our behavior changes our brain. If we think about it, we know that our body is an interactional system and we also know the body and the rest of the world is an interactional system. Some scientists are now researching brain activity when individuals are compulsively or addictively watching pornographic videos.
“The researchers found that three regions in particular were more active in the brains of the people with compulsive sexual behaviour compared with the healthy volunteers. Significantly, these regions -- the ventral striatum, dorsal anterior cingulate and amygdala -- were regions that are also particularly activated in drug addicts when shown drug stimuli. The ventral striatum is involved in processing reward and motivation, whilst the dorsal anterior cingulate is implicated in anticipating rewards and drug craving. The amygdala is involved in processing the significance of events and emotions.”(Brain activity in sex addition mirrors that of drug addiction. July 11, 2014, University of Chicago, Sciencedaily.com)
This is interesting but it does not necessarily address the question about whether one can become addicted to a person. Or does it? We know that not everyone who dates or has a committed relationship with someone becomes addicted to that person. We also know that not everyone who watches pornographic videos becomes addicted to watching them. There are plenty of people who can safely have an alcoholic beverage, have sexual activity, even use cocaine or heroin without becoming addicted. It does seem true that some substances or drugs are more likely to result in addiction than others. Nicotine, for example, is highly addictive for many but I have known a number of people who can occasionally use tobacco products without becoming addicted.
What could it mean to get addicted to a person? Perhaps it would be more helpful to talk about becoming attached to the belief that one cannot have a good life without having a relationship with that person. This is usually different than the parent who cannot come to terms with the fact that their child is missing or is deceased. A person who is attached to a belief that they cannot move on without this other person or without having healthy closure to the end of a relationship with another person “finds” themselves staying in or returning to a relationship regardless of whether the affection or love is returned, is available, or how one is treated when with that person. This phenomenon is different than wanting to be with a person who is available and treats one with love and respect.
How does one let go of this attachment and move on to a healthier life? It is helpful to remind oneself that:
Scientists have now determined that habits are stored in a different part of the brain than memory and are very difficult to change.
If one has been an in emotionally or physically abusive relationship for any length of time, one has internalized the lies of the abuser. The mere fact of being abused says that one is not worthwhile or deserving of respect.
If one has internalized the lies of the abuser, it is “normal” to consciously or unconsciously wait for that person to correct the lies. If some part of one’s brain has given authority to the lies of the abuser, it is normal to return to that authority to correct the lies. It does not matter if, on the surface, one “knows” that this does not make sense; one may “feel” a very strong urge to keep returning for affirmation.
If one has been emotionally or physically abused, one may have internalized what Dr. Lenore Walker, has termed “learned helplessness.” That is, one has internalized the belief that one is helpless or cannot function without the abuser.
Even if one has been in a healthy relationship, it is common for one to have a very difficult time imagining a life without the other person. For example, a person I know who is around age 60 has been with the same partner since she was 15. Although there were times in their marriage when they separated because of his addiction, he has been in recovery for many years and, thus, they have enjoyed a healthy relationship for many years. It is easy to see why this woman has a difficult time imagining a worthwhile life without her soul mate.
If we have a compulsive need or feeling for a particular relationship, we may be in the habit of reinforcing the messages of the brain associated with that felt need. For example, the brain may be saying “I need this person to keep living or to have a decent life.” Another part of our brain, rather than correcting this lie, may keep reinforcing it. In other words, one may not be intentionally responding to and correcting the lie. We need to either say, “ That is a lie. That person does not have what I need.” or “Isn’t it interesting that I am telling myself this lie.” One does not want to fuss at oneself. One wants to keep working on teaching oneself a new truth.
Returning to a person who does not have what we need or wants is like going to the local auto parts store to purchase a new kidney. Auto parts stores do not sell new kidneys. They are perfectly good stores but they do not carry human organs. We do not have to get angry at them because of that. We do need to shop elsewhere. Returning to a person who does not have what we need is the same thing. He or she is not a bad person. They simply, for whatever reason, do not have what we need.
The more one treats oneself with love and respect, the more likely one’s brain will be able to make new decisions and practice new habits. We know that nutritional intake, exercise, healthy emotional support, a cheerful well-tended home, and daily spiritual practices will help our brain function differently.
Asking a counselor, friends, or others to support your healthy choices can also help.
I was reminded yesterday by my friend, Dr. Becky Johnen, that the pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus is reputed to have said, “We cannot step into the same river twice.” To me, this mean that change is inevitable. We can move forward or backward but we cannot stand still. If I am not daily being intentional about positive care and positive, honest messages to my brain. I will not move forward.
Written February 23, 2016
A woman who reads this blog messaged me this morning: “Jimmy could you blog about addiction to a person.”
There is a lot of controversy about whether one can become addicted to a person. The definition of addiction which I find most helpful is: Consistently looking to something outside of oneself to fill the void or to avoid dealing with the belief that we are not enough.
There are many studies which confirm that all of our behavior changes our brain. If we think about it, we know that our body is an interactional system and we also know the body and the rest of the world is an interactional system. Some scientists are now researching brain activity when individuals are compulsively or addictively watching pornographic videos.
“The researchers found that three regions in particular were more active in the brains of the people with compulsive sexual behaviour compared with the healthy volunteers. Significantly, these regions -- the ventral striatum, dorsal anterior cingulate and amygdala -- were regions that are also particularly activated in drug addicts when shown drug stimuli. The ventral striatum is involved in processing reward and motivation, whilst the dorsal anterior cingulate is implicated in anticipating rewards and drug craving. The amygdala is involved in processing the significance of events and emotions.”(Brain activity in sex addition mirrors that of drug addiction. July 11, 2014, University of Chicago, Sciencedaily.com)
This is interesting but it does not necessarily address the question about whether one can become addicted to a person. Or does it? We know that not everyone who dates or has a committed relationship with someone becomes addicted to that person. We also know that not everyone who watches pornographic videos becomes addicted to watching them. There are plenty of people who can safely have an alcoholic beverage, have sexual activity, even use cocaine or heroin without becoming addicted. It does seem true that some substances or drugs are more likely to result in addiction than others. Nicotine, for example, is highly addictive for many but I have known a number of people who can occasionally use tobacco products without becoming addicted.
What could it mean to get addicted to a person? Perhaps it would be more helpful to talk about becoming attached to the belief that one cannot have a good life without having a relationship with that person. This is usually different than the parent who cannot come to terms with the fact that their child is missing or is deceased. A person who is attached to a belief that they cannot move on without this other person or without having healthy closure to the end of a relationship with another person “finds” themselves staying in or returning to a relationship regardless of whether the affection or love is returned, is available, or how one is treated when with that person. This phenomenon is different than wanting to be with a person who is available and treats one with love and respect.
How does one let go of this attachment and move on to a healthier life? It is helpful to remind oneself that:
Scientists have now determined that habits are stored in a different part of the brain than memory and are very difficult to change.
If one has been an in emotionally or physically abusive relationship for any length of time, one has internalized the lies of the abuser. The mere fact of being abused says that one is not worthwhile or deserving of respect.
If one has internalized the lies of the abuser, it is “normal” to consciously or unconsciously wait for that person to correct the lies. If some part of one’s brain has given authority to the lies of the abuser, it is normal to return to that authority to correct the lies. It does not matter if, on the surface, one “knows” that this does not make sense; one may “feel” a very strong urge to keep returning for affirmation.
If one has been emotionally or physically abused, one may have internalized what Dr. Lenore Walker, has termed “learned helplessness.” That is, one has internalized the belief that one is helpless or cannot function without the abuser.
Even if one has been in a healthy relationship, it is common for one to have a very difficult time imagining a life without the other person. For example, a person I know who is around age 60 has been with the same partner since she was 15. Although there were times in their marriage when they separated because of his addiction, he has been in recovery for many years and, thus, they have enjoyed a healthy relationship for many years. It is easy to see why this woman has a difficult time imagining a worthwhile life without her soul mate.
If we have a compulsive need or feeling for a particular relationship, we may be in the habit of reinforcing the messages of the brain associated with that felt need. For example, the brain may be saying “I need this person to keep living or to have a decent life.” Another part of our brain, rather than correcting this lie, may keep reinforcing it. In other words, one may not be intentionally responding to and correcting the lie. We need to either say, “ That is a lie. That person does not have what I need.” or “Isn’t it interesting that I am telling myself this lie.” One does not want to fuss at oneself. One wants to keep working on teaching oneself a new truth.
Returning to a person who does not have what we need or wants is like going to the local auto parts store to purchase a new kidney. Auto parts stores do not sell new kidneys. They are perfectly good stores but they do not carry human organs. We do not have to get angry at them because of that. We do need to shop elsewhere. Returning to a person who does not have what we need is the same thing. He or she is not a bad person. They simply, for whatever reason, do not have what we need.
The more one treats oneself with love and respect, the more likely one’s brain will be able to make new decisions and practice new habits. We know that nutritional intake, exercise, healthy emotional support, a cheerful well-tended home, and daily spiritual practices will help our brain function differently.
Asking a counselor, friends, or others to support your healthy choices can also help.
I was reminded yesterday by my friend, Dr. Becky Johnen, that the pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus is reputed to have said, “We cannot step into the same river twice.” To me, this mean that change is inevitable. We can move forward or backward but we cannot stand still. If I am not daily being intentional about positive care and positive, honest messages to my brain. I will not move forward.
Written February 23, 2016
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