All those regrets
I am sure every thoughtful person has regrets. All of us who have the luxury of being thoughtful can easily identify many past actions which we wish we could correct. Of course, we know that thoughtfulness is a luxury. If one is living in a war zone - one’s home is in a military war zone – or in some other immediate danger, one is busy just doing one’s best to protect oneself and others. One cannot do much thinking about current or past actions when one has to be focused on basic survival.
Regrets are not, in my experience, in and of themselves very helpful. Regrets can, of course, be the first step towards change. Although I am not a member of a 12-step program, I find the steps very helpful because they are clearly focused on:
One will notice that there is no room in this system for shame, punishment or the self-centered beating of one’s breast and thus keeping oneself the center of attention. We all know the person and may have, at times, been the person who under the guise of honesty went on and on about what a terrible person we were rather than doing our best to make amends and to change behavior. Forcing the attention of us - on how bad we feel – can be another way to minimize the pain of the person we have hurt/abused.
We cannot, of course, change the past. We can learn from it and change the future.
As a male who also happens to be primarily Caucasian I need to focus on those thoughts and behavior which have often discounted females. I must, as a male who has the luxury of being thoughtful, examine my role in creating the anger, hurt, frustration and demands of the Me-too movement. I will be attempting to examine that role in future blogs. I challenge all of we males to begin that examination.
Written December 7, 2018
I am sure every thoughtful person has regrets. All of us who have the luxury of being thoughtful can easily identify many past actions which we wish we could correct. Of course, we know that thoughtfulness is a luxury. If one is living in a war zone - one’s home is in a military war zone – or in some other immediate danger, one is busy just doing one’s best to protect oneself and others. One cannot do much thinking about current or past actions when one has to be focused on basic survival.
Regrets are not, in my experience, in and of themselves very helpful. Regrets can, of course, be the first step towards change. Although I am not a member of a 12-step program, I find the steps very helpful because they are clearly focused on:
- Coming to terms with the need to be honest, open minded and willing.
- Accepting our limitations as well as our strengths.
- Accepting that we are not the center of the universe – that there is a “we”.
- Accepting that we are human, do not have all the answers and need to reach out for help and advice.
- Accepting that our past behavior has been hurtful and possibly abusive to others.
- Admitting our hurtful behavior to others.
- Becoming ready to change our behavior and asking for help in doing so.
- Making a list of those we have harmed and, when possible and further harm would not occur, making amends.
- Continuing to take daily inventory and admitting when we are wrong.
- Continuing to seek guidance in discerning how we can be a healthy, loving part of the we of the world.
- Reaching out to help others while we continue to work on our own healing and growth.
One will notice that there is no room in this system for shame, punishment or the self-centered beating of one’s breast and thus keeping oneself the center of attention. We all know the person and may have, at times, been the person who under the guise of honesty went on and on about what a terrible person we were rather than doing our best to make amends and to change behavior. Forcing the attention of us - on how bad we feel – can be another way to minimize the pain of the person we have hurt/abused.
We cannot, of course, change the past. We can learn from it and change the future.
As a male who also happens to be primarily Caucasian I need to focus on those thoughts and behavior which have often discounted females. I must, as a male who has the luxury of being thoughtful, examine my role in creating the anger, hurt, frustration and demands of the Me-too movement. I will be attempting to examine that role in future blogs. I challenge all of we males to begin that examination.
Written December 7, 2018
RSS Feed