An addict in the family

​ 
An addict in the family
 
Sadly, some families have a long history of living with the disease of addiction and will not be surprised when they discover that another family member is addicted.   Other families have no experience of living with addiction.  Depending on the frequency  of contact and the geographical closeness of the family, the family may or may not have noticed subtle and possibly dramatic changes in the behavior of the addicted family member over time.  The addict may have hidden their symptoms quite well.  Finding out about the addiction is a complete surprise to many families.
 
Unless one has a history of addiction or has been working for/with addicts, one may feel at a loss about how to deal with this chronic illness.  Fortunately, there is a wealth of information available.   Amazon, Hazeldenbettyford.org, other book stores, public libraries, the internet and the treatment center where your family member is being treated will have resources available.  The treatment center may have a family day or weekend events to educate the family members.
 
There are some basic facts to remember:
 

•       Addiction is an illness.  No one plans on getting addicted.
•       Addiction is more than abuse.  One may occasionally abuse or misuse alcohol, a medication, or a street drug but if the issue is abuse only the person will not experience a need to keep  using until  one becomes impaired.
•       As with any behavior, one has learned habits of thinking and behavior which have to be corrected. Thus, recovery is more than not using just for today.  
•       The 12-step program is the most successful program for systematically identifying and changing unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving.   Those who attend meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, and continue to do so will almost always be successful with recovery.
•       The addict needs to avoid people, places and things which trigger the addictive thinking and behavior.  
•       Most 12-step programs say all – addicts need to avoid  all use of recreational drugs even if the drug of abuse may have only been one.   It seems as if other drugs often – very often – trigger other addictive behavior.
•       One can have multiple addictions – alcohol, other drugs, sex, power, money or anything that might temporarily help an addict avoid dealing with life on life’s terms.
•       Family members need to offer unconditional love without treating the family member as an invalid.  No pats on the head but lots of hugs/embraces.
•       With any chronic illness, one can expect relapses which is not the same as pretending  as if they are okay.
•       Lovingly avoid the three Ps and expect addict to do the same:
  •    Personalization – the belief that we are  at fault – one does not cause addiction and cannot cure it. One is not that powerful.
  •    Pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of one’s life.  It may feel this way and it may temporarily be true for the addict, but the addict is more than his/her addiction. The addict’s family is more than the family of an addict.
  •    Permanence – the belief that the aftershock of an event will last  forever.   It may feel that way.  Many, if not most, addicts go  on to live healthy, productive, joyful, spiritual lives.  
•       Practice not buying into the drama of the addict in early recovery.  There are no big deals.  There are difficult and even painful life events which must be faced.  If the addict invites one to a drama, lovingly decline the invitation.  Just announcing that “Thanks for the invite but I am not accepting. Now is there anything else you need.”  can diffuse the drama.
•       Do not patronize the addict.   Many  people live with chronic illness, terrible tragedies, emotional and physical pain.  Life constantly gives us surprises.  We and the addict can learn to deal with whatever we need to deal with.  Just like the characters in the Wizard of Oz, we all have what we need even when it feels as if we do not.
•       Support groups, counseling, talking to recovering addicts, education…these all help. 
•       Family members need to keep their emotional, nutritional, physical and spiritual gas tanks full.

 
Written May 7, 2017