“And when I was wrong promptly admitted it.”
Step 10 of the 12 step program states: “We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it,” This step sounds very simple and it is. Yet, many of us continue to struggle with admitting we are wrong, especially in the context of a one on one relationships.
My friend Ron delivered a talk on “Speaking plainly about race – What every white person should know. Ron’s talks are almost always well received. They are funny. Insightful, humorous and humble. He often uses himself as an example of learned behavior both positive and negative. He never talks at the audience but with the audience. ‘
While listening to Ron I was again reminded I find it relatively easy when I am delivering a talk, facilitating a meeting or even when meeting individually with a client to admit how often I am wrong. I ask myself: What do these situations have in common? They are all situations where I am in a position of authority or in a professional role. Could it be that I find it much easier to reveal who I am if I am, at some level, in a leadership position or have the illusion of being in an unequal position? Do I find it more difficult to be more fully human self when I am in a “personal” one on one relationship? Do I find it frightening at some level to admit to another person in the context of a more intimate relationship that I am wrong; have no idea what I am talking about; have made a mistake or have done something else for which I need to make amends? Might the fear be related to the need to prove my worth; prove that I am smarter than or some other way more than? Yikes! Perhaps. Yet, how silly this sounds. I know I am human. Everyone else knows that I am human. Obviously, there is no logical reason why admitting I am wrong is uncomfortable. Yet, I and many others I continue to find it uncomfortable.
Some of us also seem to hang on to the illusion or delusion that there is one version of the truth; that truth is a very black and white issue. Occasionally, this is the case. I do, in fact, have a deed to this house. I do have a title to my car. I did go to the gym and work out this morning. I did get upset when something did not go the way I wanted it to yesterday. I was not, in my opinion, unduly upset. Yes, if others had been present they might have experienced my behavior differently. Yes, I did write down the wrong date for the meeting. Yes, I experience you as arrogant which does not mean you are arrogant. Yes, the way I responded to a client was not helpful. I did not hear what they said and rambled on about something else.
Some of us seem to take great delight in pointing out the misdeeds of others. We may seem to think we have a very scientific system for assigning a point value to each misstep or misdeed. It may also seem as if our scoring system always arrives at a higher score for others than for ourselves. On the other hand, some of us may consistently arrive at a higher score for ourselves. We may almost seem to take pride in proving that we are less then perhaps in hopes this will elicit a counter argument from others.
Practicing promptly admitting I am wrong does not need to be such a difficult or even uncomfortable task. If others admit to us that they were wrong we do not need to berate them or acts as if this admission makes them less then. Perhaps, as many in the 12-step program suggest, it would be best to “keep it simple” and when I am wrong promptly admit it. Perhaps it is not my job to keep my focus on you and “when you are wrong promptly admit it.”
February 20, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Step 10 of the 12 step program states: “We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it,” This step sounds very simple and it is. Yet, many of us continue to struggle with admitting we are wrong, especially in the context of a one on one relationships.
My friend Ron delivered a talk on “Speaking plainly about race – What every white person should know. Ron’s talks are almost always well received. They are funny. Insightful, humorous and humble. He often uses himself as an example of learned behavior both positive and negative. He never talks at the audience but with the audience. ‘
While listening to Ron I was again reminded I find it relatively easy when I am delivering a talk, facilitating a meeting or even when meeting individually with a client to admit how often I am wrong. I ask myself: What do these situations have in common? They are all situations where I am in a position of authority or in a professional role. Could it be that I find it much easier to reveal who I am if I am, at some level, in a leadership position or have the illusion of being in an unequal position? Do I find it more difficult to be more fully human self when I am in a “personal” one on one relationship? Do I find it frightening at some level to admit to another person in the context of a more intimate relationship that I am wrong; have no idea what I am talking about; have made a mistake or have done something else for which I need to make amends? Might the fear be related to the need to prove my worth; prove that I am smarter than or some other way more than? Yikes! Perhaps. Yet, how silly this sounds. I know I am human. Everyone else knows that I am human. Obviously, there is no logical reason why admitting I am wrong is uncomfortable. Yet, I and many others I continue to find it uncomfortable.
Some of us also seem to hang on to the illusion or delusion that there is one version of the truth; that truth is a very black and white issue. Occasionally, this is the case. I do, in fact, have a deed to this house. I do have a title to my car. I did go to the gym and work out this morning. I did get upset when something did not go the way I wanted it to yesterday. I was not, in my opinion, unduly upset. Yes, if others had been present they might have experienced my behavior differently. Yes, I did write down the wrong date for the meeting. Yes, I experience you as arrogant which does not mean you are arrogant. Yes, the way I responded to a client was not helpful. I did not hear what they said and rambled on about something else.
Some of us seem to take great delight in pointing out the misdeeds of others. We may seem to think we have a very scientific system for assigning a point value to each misstep or misdeed. It may also seem as if our scoring system always arrives at a higher score for others than for ourselves. On the other hand, some of us may consistently arrive at a higher score for ourselves. We may almost seem to take pride in proving that we are less then perhaps in hopes this will elicit a counter argument from others.
Practicing promptly admitting I am wrong does not need to be such a difficult or even uncomfortable task. If others admit to us that they were wrong we do not need to berate them or acts as if this admission makes them less then. Perhaps, as many in the 12-step program suggest, it would be best to “keep it simple” and when I am wrong promptly admit it. Perhaps it is not my job to keep my focus on you and “when you are wrong promptly admit it.”
February 20, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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