Anger revisited
A number of years ago I wrote a book on anger. I had been working with/for clients whose primary presenting symptom was anger. My friend Ann edited the book before I submitted it to a publisher for consideration. After a lengthy review, they returned it with some nice comments and a rejection letter. Since writing the book had served the purpose of getting me through a difficult time, I was not that disappointed and did not bother to submit it to other potential publishers.
Yesterday someone asked me for recommendations about working on anger and I checked the listings on Amazon.com under anger. There are now many books and many workbooks on anger, including the early works of Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger and Carol Tavris Anger, the Misunderstood Emotion.
I directed the person to this extensive list. I also shared the first question I ask myself when I notice my anger: “What is the purpose of the anger?” Quite often – 99.999% of the time – my anger is related to the fact that I have no control over something or someone. Just the other day, I was rushing around like a mad man and quickly turned while opening the car door. My head and the car door immediately greeted each other. I loudly uttered some words commonly associated with anger. In this case, my anger was frustration with both my own carelessness and the fact that I now had to stop and attend to my bleeding head. Obviously, in his case, my anger had to do with the fact that (1) I am human and sometimes do dumb things and (2) I could not go back and undo the damage to my head and my schedule!
I notice I get angry when I am unable to correct what I perceive as a social injustice. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I may get angry because I perceive someone else acting in a cruel or unjust manner and I am helpless to stop them. The behavior may indeed be cruel and/or unjust, but it is also a mirror of my behavior. While I might not engage in that same behavior, I have and will again behave in a way, which is cruel and unjust. I may in my mind pretend to be able to grade the level of cruel and unjust behavior resulting in my behavior only being at a level 4 while the other person(s) behavior is surely at a level 8, but the truth is that it is still a mirror. I would rather look at their cruel behavior than to look at mine. Once I resolve to look at mine I am able to let go of the anger.
The third technique I shared with the person with regard to dealing with anger was to consider using the 12 steps used by AA and other addiction recovery program. I start with step ! which has to do with powerlessness. As with addiction, once I feed my anger it grows and is soon takes on a life of its own. I do not have to feed my apparent delusion that I should be less human than I am.
In future posts I may share how I use all 12 steps to both notice and to let go of my anger. Be clear that I am suggesting that my goal is to just notice my anger - not to feed it by justifying it or by being critical of it. I just notice it and then ask the purpose of it.
Written March 2, 2018
A number of years ago I wrote a book on anger. I had been working with/for clients whose primary presenting symptom was anger. My friend Ann edited the book before I submitted it to a publisher for consideration. After a lengthy review, they returned it with some nice comments and a rejection letter. Since writing the book had served the purpose of getting me through a difficult time, I was not that disappointed and did not bother to submit it to other potential publishers.
Yesterday someone asked me for recommendations about working on anger and I checked the listings on Amazon.com under anger. There are now many books and many workbooks on anger, including the early works of Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger and Carol Tavris Anger, the Misunderstood Emotion.
I directed the person to this extensive list. I also shared the first question I ask myself when I notice my anger: “What is the purpose of the anger?” Quite often – 99.999% of the time – my anger is related to the fact that I have no control over something or someone. Just the other day, I was rushing around like a mad man and quickly turned while opening the car door. My head and the car door immediately greeted each other. I loudly uttered some words commonly associated with anger. In this case, my anger was frustration with both my own carelessness and the fact that I now had to stop and attend to my bleeding head. Obviously, in his case, my anger had to do with the fact that (1) I am human and sometimes do dumb things and (2) I could not go back and undo the damage to my head and my schedule!
I notice I get angry when I am unable to correct what I perceive as a social injustice. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I may get angry because I perceive someone else acting in a cruel or unjust manner and I am helpless to stop them. The behavior may indeed be cruel and/or unjust, but it is also a mirror of my behavior. While I might not engage in that same behavior, I have and will again behave in a way, which is cruel and unjust. I may in my mind pretend to be able to grade the level of cruel and unjust behavior resulting in my behavior only being at a level 4 while the other person(s) behavior is surely at a level 8, but the truth is that it is still a mirror. I would rather look at their cruel behavior than to look at mine. Once I resolve to look at mine I am able to let go of the anger.
The third technique I shared with the person with regard to dealing with anger was to consider using the 12 steps used by AA and other addiction recovery program. I start with step ! which has to do with powerlessness. As with addiction, once I feed my anger it grows and is soon takes on a life of its own. I do not have to feed my apparent delusion that I should be less human than I am.
In future posts I may share how I use all 12 steps to both notice and to let go of my anger. Be clear that I am suggesting that my goal is to just notice my anger - not to feed it by justifying it or by being critical of it. I just notice it and then ask the purpose of it.
Written March 2, 2018
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