Anger – Step 4
If one was working a 12 step program as part of the healing process from active addiction, this “searching and fearless moral inventory” would be an opportunity to identify the behavior which has kept one disconnected from oneself which in turn keeps one disconnected from others and from the rest of the universe (s). This 4th step is about how my use of anger affects others. I am aware that from an early age I felt and often expressed anger when I was:
Since I have done many 4th steps, I do not need to make a list of all the hundreds of examples of the above. One example of the first is, at age 5, using what I already know about racism, I blamed a neighbor boy for a behavior I co-authored. I knew that my mother would take my word because the other child was black. I immediately felt guilty. When I mother pressed the issue I got angry at her “for not believing me”. Then I felt more shameful and was more angry. I suspect that I learned this behavior before age 5. Early on I learned to angrily blame others when I did not want to suffer the consequences of my behavior.
I often did not feel as if I measured up. If someone would suggest or accuse me of making a mistake or not doing something I should have done I would immediately use anger to push them away. As long as I stayed angry I could keep people from finding out “the truth” about me.
I still notice myself getting angry when I do something “stupid” such as getting distracted and hitting my head on the car door the other day resulting in a cut which required attention which, in turn, made me late for an appointment. I then got more even angry at myself for being late. The good news is that today I am quickly aware of this distorted thought process and can correct the statements I am telling myself.
I have damaged friendships by not feeling good enough and using anger to push away before they pushed me away. Often, in the past when someone would tell me they did not appreciate something I did or, in some other way, was critical I would get angry and push away before they pushed me away.
Today my goal is to not feed/justify my anger. I do not want to use anger as a motivator to punish myself or to self-righteously fight injustice. I do want to be a responsible person who speaks up about injustice and takes responsibility for my part in correcting injustice. I do not want to angrily berate others for their lack of imperfection as if I could judge them the same way I have historically judged myself.
Step 4 reminds me all of my behavior affects others - in a positive or negative way. Sometimes that affect is a very light touch and sometimes it is like a direct assault. A daily “searching and fearless moral inventory” can keep me accountable.
Written March 8, 2018
Anger – Step 4
If one was working a 12 step program as part of the healing process from active addiction, this “searching and fearless moral inventory” would be an opportunity to identify the behavior which has kept one disconnected from oneself which in turn keeps one disconnected from others and from the rest of the universe (s). This 4th step is about how my use of anger affects others. I am aware that from an early age I felt and often expressed anger when I was:
- Feeling guilty for who I was or for something I did. This almost always involved shame. I would unconsciously push others away when I was fearful of allowing them to see me for who I was.
- Feeling overwhelmed and unable to function in a way which I “knew” others expected/demanded that I function.
- Aware that other people, places, things, events did not behave as I thought that they should or according to my schedule.
Since I have done many 4th steps, I do not need to make a list of all the hundreds of examples of the above. One example of the first is, at age 5, using what I already know about racism, I blamed a neighbor boy for a behavior I co-authored. I knew that my mother would take my word because the other child was black. I immediately felt guilty. When I mother pressed the issue I got angry at her “for not believing me”. Then I felt more shameful and was more angry. I suspect that I learned this behavior before age 5. Early on I learned to angrily blame others when I did not want to suffer the consequences of my behavior.
I often did not feel as if I measured up. If someone would suggest or accuse me of making a mistake or not doing something I should have done I would immediately use anger to push them away. As long as I stayed angry I could keep people from finding out “the truth” about me.
I still notice myself getting angry when I do something “stupid” such as getting distracted and hitting my head on the car door the other day resulting in a cut which required attention which, in turn, made me late for an appointment. I then got more even angry at myself for being late. The good news is that today I am quickly aware of this distorted thought process and can correct the statements I am telling myself.
I have damaged friendships by not feeling good enough and using anger to push away before they pushed me away. Often, in the past when someone would tell me they did not appreciate something I did or, in some other way, was critical I would get angry and push away before they pushed me away.
Today my goal is to not feed/justify my anger. I do not want to use anger as a motivator to punish myself or to self-righteously fight injustice. I do want to be a responsible person who speaks up about injustice and takes responsibility for my part in correcting injustice. I do not want to angrily berate others for their lack of imperfection as if I could judge them the same way I have historically judged myself.
Step 4 reminds me all of my behavior affects others - in a positive or negative way. Sometimes that affect is a very light touch and sometimes it is like a direct assault. A daily “searching and fearless moral inventory” can keep me accountable.
Written March 8, 2018
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