Anger – Steps 8 and 9
Just as steps 6 and 7 naturally go together, so do steps 8 and 9. In the 12-step program steps 8 and 9 are:
In this series I am addressing our anger and how it harms others and us. Thus, for step 8 one needs to carefully consider to whom and to what extent one’s anger has been hurtful. For example I just talked to a woman who was understandably frightened when a situation occurred which adversely affected someone in her family and for whom she feels responsible. When she got frightened because it felt as if she had very little control over the situation, she got angry and lashed out at herself and everyone with whom she came into contact. As long as she was angry she was not focused on problem solving and in dumping the anger on others she was creating new problems.
Often I have gotten angry or used anger as a shield to avoid issues such as my nicotine addiction which I did not want to address. I constantly felt bad about how my smoking cigarettes affected others, but when they would confront me about this I would get angry with them so I could try to avoid my own guilt. I used anger as a shield. On still other occasions I got angry when I was feeling overwhelmed and could not process information well. Rather than telling the truth, I would blame the other person for pressuring me.
Sometimes when I have attempted to apologize and make amends, the other person(s) was very generous and forgiving. Other times the person to whom I was making amends was angry with me. Some people have ended the friendships and refused to even hear or read my amends.
I have to remind myself that step 9 is not about how the other person responds or does not respond. It is about me doing the next right thing just because it is the next right thing to do. No matter how the other person(s) responds to my amends, it is important for me to, when possible, make the amends. If my anger was dumped on another person(s), then it was hurtful to the other person and to myself. Anytime I behave in a manner, which is inconsistent with my values I hurt myself. It is my goal to not get angry, but being the human that I am I will get angry. My goal is to notice my anger and to refrain from hurting others or myself with it. I may write it down and then destroy what I have written. Occasionally a good friend may be willing to briefly listen to my verbal vomit if I am very clear that I am sharing it and not dumping it on them. It is just a safe place to dump it and, for whatever reason, it may feel good to know someone is going to listen to or read it. There are many other safe ways to dump one’s anger – music, art, and safe exercise such as boxing. The goal is to not hurt others or myself and to then move on to letting go of anger, problem solving and/or acceptance. When I realize or admit that I am powerless I may, once again, need to return to step one.
Written March 14, 2018
Just as steps 6 and 7 naturally go together, so do steps 8 and 9. In the 12-step program steps 8 and 9 are:
- Step 8: Make a list of all person we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Step 9: Make amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
In this series I am addressing our anger and how it harms others and us. Thus, for step 8 one needs to carefully consider to whom and to what extent one’s anger has been hurtful. For example I just talked to a woman who was understandably frightened when a situation occurred which adversely affected someone in her family and for whom she feels responsible. When she got frightened because it felt as if she had very little control over the situation, she got angry and lashed out at herself and everyone with whom she came into contact. As long as she was angry she was not focused on problem solving and in dumping the anger on others she was creating new problems.
Often I have gotten angry or used anger as a shield to avoid issues such as my nicotine addiction which I did not want to address. I constantly felt bad about how my smoking cigarettes affected others, but when they would confront me about this I would get angry with them so I could try to avoid my own guilt. I used anger as a shield. On still other occasions I got angry when I was feeling overwhelmed and could not process information well. Rather than telling the truth, I would blame the other person for pressuring me.
Sometimes when I have attempted to apologize and make amends, the other person(s) was very generous and forgiving. Other times the person to whom I was making amends was angry with me. Some people have ended the friendships and refused to even hear or read my amends.
I have to remind myself that step 9 is not about how the other person responds or does not respond. It is about me doing the next right thing just because it is the next right thing to do. No matter how the other person(s) responds to my amends, it is important for me to, when possible, make the amends. If my anger was dumped on another person(s), then it was hurtful to the other person and to myself. Anytime I behave in a manner, which is inconsistent with my values I hurt myself. It is my goal to not get angry, but being the human that I am I will get angry. My goal is to notice my anger and to refrain from hurting others or myself with it. I may write it down and then destroy what I have written. Occasionally a good friend may be willing to briefly listen to my verbal vomit if I am very clear that I am sharing it and not dumping it on them. It is just a safe place to dump it and, for whatever reason, it may feel good to know someone is going to listen to or read it. There are many other safe ways to dump one’s anger – music, art, and safe exercise such as boxing. The goal is to not hurt others or myself and to then move on to letting go of anger, problem solving and/or acceptance. When I realize or admit that I am powerless I may, once again, need to return to step one.
Written March 14, 2018
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