Anxious or introvert
I am indebted to Susan Cain to whose Ted Talk, “The Power of Introverts” I was listening while at the gym this morning. Ms. Cain is co-founder of Quiet Revolution and author of the bestsellers Quiet Power; The Secret Strengths of Introverts and The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. The talk triggered a concern I have had when working for and with clients who are exploring the lies which generalized anxiety has used to limit their lives. My concern has to do with the possibility that in guiding these clients in systematically correcting the lies of generalized anxiety I might be leaving the impression that the goal is to become extroverts when, in fact, not everyone who has struggled with generalized anxiety is an extrovert. In fact, there might be those whose anxiety stems from attempting to force oneself to become an extrovert.
Although many people might think of me as an extrovert I have always known that I am basically an introvert. Yes, I am that person who says good morning to many of the individuals I see regularly at the gym. I am also that person who can and does teach, lead workshops, and speak out when I feel passionately about some issue. I am also that person who is very content to spend many of my evenings alone at home, reading, writing, cooking, working on a home remodeling or repair project, or just quietly being present with Mother Nature. As a child, if I could take a break from farm chores and “escape from my mother and siblings” one, during summer months, could find me in the arm of a tree limb reading. At school, I was perfectly happy to entertain myself and felt no need to push myself to enjoy organized sports or other group activities. Of course, given that eventually seven of us would, prior to the advent of the tiny homes, be squeezed into a very small three-room house, the choice of alone time inside forced one into what might later term a deep meditative state in which one mentally blocked out all others. This state of being did not, however, please my mother who might be loudly calling my name just inches away from my physical body without any conscious awareness from me.
Most creative people I know enjoy and even need a lot of alone time. There may be those who are most creative when with others, but I, like Ms. Cain and countless others, need a quiet space into which ideas can roam and possibly visit other internal ideas at their own pace. There will come a time when sharing these ideas with others – even in a group situation – will help refine and mold them into a concrete plan.
There are many activities I do not do well although I have learned to pass. These include:
· Cocktail parties, business after hours, or other events when one is expected to mingle. I am more likely to be found reading a book, studying an art piece, or occasionally having an in-depth conversation with one person and, thus, being accused of preventing that person from performing the mingling ritual.
· Hanging with other men while the women folk prepare dinner or just hang out together. I cannot and make no effort to be able recite personal statistics of sports team members – statistics which few men can recite about their wife or children. I also cannot talk cogently about hunting, fishing, bowling, political sound bites, ATVs or cars. I do not, as some men acquaintances have suggested, hang out with other men listening to tunes and drinking beer. I cannot carry on a seemingly cogent conversation about the pros and cons of different types of beer or the fruitiness, oakness or other qualities of a “fine wine.”
· Take seriously organized sports, card games or other competitive activates. I might occasionally enjoy a board game if others see this as time to visit while incidentally playing a game.
· Chat when hiking, driving or engaged in other activities which include the presence of other humans.
In short, I could often be perceived as anti-social, ditzy, a day dreamer or just out of it. Yet, it is not that I dislike people any more than I dislike other members of the primate family. I often welcome reading separate books together which can include occasional sharing of passages one is reading.
One might see me in public by myself laughing, shedding crocodile tears, frowning or mischievously grinning. Fortunately, with the advent of cell phones and blue tooth most may now assume that I am talking to someone. Not!
I travel well by myself but can enjoy company when traveling with a person(s) who does/do not require one have a running commentary.
The person with generalized anxiety may share some or even many of the various alone or solitary activities. They, however, also, have another companion – that of fear. Frequently the world outside of their very small bubble is experienced as a very dangerous place. They may not be able to articulate the source of the danger, but they may get frightened to the point that they have a full-blown panic attack during which the very act of breathing is problematic. They may have dreams – often secret – which they do not share or pursue because the fear/anxiety will tell them that they are in grave danger if they pursue that dream. Unlike the introvert without generalized anxiety, they often feel as if they do not have choices. The anxiety makes their choices for them. It may be, without the anxiety they would still choose to live what others might perceive as an isolated or even isolate life. If they want to live that life in New York City, Hong Kong, a remote island or the plains of Kansas the anxiety does not allow this range of choices. Unlike the introvert without generalized anxiety they cannot run off to Amsterdam or Seattle to enjoy not only the touristy sites but sitting for hours at an outdoor café table writing, reading or just observing. The introvert may go on a long bike ride or visit the treasures housed in museums. They can easily be with or among people without feeling a need to be with people. Yet, they are open to enchanting or interesting conversations with a perfect stranger.
The person living with generalized anxiety disorder has to first learn to correct lies of the of anxiety and systematically expand their world. Only then can they make choices based on their basic personality or preferences. When the fear/anxiety is in charge one has no choices.
Written April 5, 2017
I am indebted to Susan Cain to whose Ted Talk, “The Power of Introverts” I was listening while at the gym this morning. Ms. Cain is co-founder of Quiet Revolution and author of the bestsellers Quiet Power; The Secret Strengths of Introverts and The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. The talk triggered a concern I have had when working for and with clients who are exploring the lies which generalized anxiety has used to limit their lives. My concern has to do with the possibility that in guiding these clients in systematically correcting the lies of generalized anxiety I might be leaving the impression that the goal is to become extroverts when, in fact, not everyone who has struggled with generalized anxiety is an extrovert. In fact, there might be those whose anxiety stems from attempting to force oneself to become an extrovert.
Although many people might think of me as an extrovert I have always known that I am basically an introvert. Yes, I am that person who says good morning to many of the individuals I see regularly at the gym. I am also that person who can and does teach, lead workshops, and speak out when I feel passionately about some issue. I am also that person who is very content to spend many of my evenings alone at home, reading, writing, cooking, working on a home remodeling or repair project, or just quietly being present with Mother Nature. As a child, if I could take a break from farm chores and “escape from my mother and siblings” one, during summer months, could find me in the arm of a tree limb reading. At school, I was perfectly happy to entertain myself and felt no need to push myself to enjoy organized sports or other group activities. Of course, given that eventually seven of us would, prior to the advent of the tiny homes, be squeezed into a very small three-room house, the choice of alone time inside forced one into what might later term a deep meditative state in which one mentally blocked out all others. This state of being did not, however, please my mother who might be loudly calling my name just inches away from my physical body without any conscious awareness from me.
Most creative people I know enjoy and even need a lot of alone time. There may be those who are most creative when with others, but I, like Ms. Cain and countless others, need a quiet space into which ideas can roam and possibly visit other internal ideas at their own pace. There will come a time when sharing these ideas with others – even in a group situation – will help refine and mold them into a concrete plan.
There are many activities I do not do well although I have learned to pass. These include:
· Cocktail parties, business after hours, or other events when one is expected to mingle. I am more likely to be found reading a book, studying an art piece, or occasionally having an in-depth conversation with one person and, thus, being accused of preventing that person from performing the mingling ritual.
· Hanging with other men while the women folk prepare dinner or just hang out together. I cannot and make no effort to be able recite personal statistics of sports team members – statistics which few men can recite about their wife or children. I also cannot talk cogently about hunting, fishing, bowling, political sound bites, ATVs or cars. I do not, as some men acquaintances have suggested, hang out with other men listening to tunes and drinking beer. I cannot carry on a seemingly cogent conversation about the pros and cons of different types of beer or the fruitiness, oakness or other qualities of a “fine wine.”
· Take seriously organized sports, card games or other competitive activates. I might occasionally enjoy a board game if others see this as time to visit while incidentally playing a game.
· Chat when hiking, driving or engaged in other activities which include the presence of other humans.
In short, I could often be perceived as anti-social, ditzy, a day dreamer or just out of it. Yet, it is not that I dislike people any more than I dislike other members of the primate family. I often welcome reading separate books together which can include occasional sharing of passages one is reading.
One might see me in public by myself laughing, shedding crocodile tears, frowning or mischievously grinning. Fortunately, with the advent of cell phones and blue tooth most may now assume that I am talking to someone. Not!
I travel well by myself but can enjoy company when traveling with a person(s) who does/do not require one have a running commentary.
The person with generalized anxiety may share some or even many of the various alone or solitary activities. They, however, also, have another companion – that of fear. Frequently the world outside of their very small bubble is experienced as a very dangerous place. They may not be able to articulate the source of the danger, but they may get frightened to the point that they have a full-blown panic attack during which the very act of breathing is problematic. They may have dreams – often secret – which they do not share or pursue because the fear/anxiety will tell them that they are in grave danger if they pursue that dream. Unlike the introvert without generalized anxiety, they often feel as if they do not have choices. The anxiety makes their choices for them. It may be, without the anxiety they would still choose to live what others might perceive as an isolated or even isolate life. If they want to live that life in New York City, Hong Kong, a remote island or the plains of Kansas the anxiety does not allow this range of choices. Unlike the introvert without generalized anxiety they cannot run off to Amsterdam or Seattle to enjoy not only the touristy sites but sitting for hours at an outdoor café table writing, reading or just observing. The introvert may go on a long bike ride or visit the treasures housed in museums. They can easily be with or among people without feeling a need to be with people. Yet, they are open to enchanting or interesting conversations with a perfect stranger.
The person living with generalized anxiety disorder has to first learn to correct lies of the of anxiety and systematically expand their world. Only then can they make choices based on their basic personality or preferences. When the fear/anxiety is in charge one has no choices.
Written April 5, 2017
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