I am writing on December 30, 2015. It is that time of the year when many of us are reviewing the year and what we accomplished or did not accomplish. Some of us will also spend time rereading the many holiday letters from friends and families near and far. It seems as if the ones that I most enjoy and treasure are those from friends and/or family members (may be both) who share fond memories of relationships with people who have died and who share the good times with those that they care about in their current circle of love. Of all of these, the one which I most look forward to is the one from my friend Dee. Whether she was grieving the death of her friend and husband Frank or welcoming another grandchild, she details her accomplishments in units of love received (and given although her emphasis is on the receiving). She will do this in a more humorous, erudite, delightful way than most others, including me, can manage. Most important is the fact that I know that this is how she and several other friends live their lives Dee is also a well-respected, professor, writer, and therapist, but her greatest pride in is how well she receives and give love.
In fact, most of my friends are very accomplished in their respected professions and/or vocations. Yet, what comes to mind when I think of them is that they love well. My friend, Julia, sent me a link to a year in review by a yoga teacher, spiritual leader. To his credit he did begin his long list of accomplishments for the year with a note of gratitude to his loving relationship with his wife and he did mention wanting to be more compassionate and to simplify his life in 2016. Yet, there was what I found to be an exhausting list of his professional achievements and alleged shortcomings for 2015 and goals for the year 2016. When I finished reading this, I was exhausted and convinced that I was a useless slug who did not deserve to use up any more air on this earth. Clearly I had accomplished nothing. Shortly thereafter I got and read the holiday letter from Dee and a note from Julia.
It was clearly not my goal in 2015 to increase my business nor publish books or other writings. One of my goals was to write daily. I have done that and I think it has helped me to stay more spiritually centered and to stay connected with some friends and acquaintances. Still, I am acutely aware that I could easily make the task more important than the goal. The goal is to stay spiritually centered – to stay clear about what is important and to show up. The task or the technique/method for doing that is the writing.
It does seem as if there is a significant emphasis in this and many other cultures on achieving measurable goals – being productive. It does not seem to matter whether one’s productive enterprise is making an object or being a spiritual leader. It seems as if it is easy for we humans to get too busy for relationships – with self or others. Perhaps sometimes we are convinced that we have to prove or earn our worth. Yet, the results of many studies indicate that a majority of people are miserable in their job – the job at which they spend a majority of their time.
This morning while at the gym I was listening to a Ted Talk. My choice this morning was a short one by Robert Waldinger entitled “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.” He reporting on a 75 year Harvard study. This study until recently was comprised of men but now has been expanded to include women. Their clear conclusion is “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.” (One can goggle the transcript of this talk.) It does not matter if the person is in a committed relationship or not. It matters whether the person nurtures the relationships in his or her life on a regular basis. This should not be surprising and, yet, few of us seem to be able to allow ourselves to design a life in which relationships are primary. Whether working at an office or factory, shopping or cleaning one’s home, it is possible to make relationships primary. Admittedly, some employers make this difficult and may even be toxic places to work. We may need to find a way, if possible, to exit these places.
Happiness leads to health leads to happiness. All the research and certainly my personal experience is that the Dees and Julias of the world are our most effective teachers. My friend Becky is another person who stays clear that relationships are always more important than tasks, careers, or money. Kurt, Terry, Do, and Marv are others I know who put relationships as primary.
It all seems pretty simple and, yet, we humans obviously do not find it simple. Hopefully, in 2016 we will allow the Dees, the Julias, Beckys, Dons, Terrys, Marvs, Kurts, Viljas and others to show us the way to health and happiness.
In the Christian tradition, the following passage from I Corinthians 13 is often read at marriage ceremonies:
If I speak in the tonguesa of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,b but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
We all might do well to keep this reminder in front of us as we prepare to begin the new year.
Written December 30, 2015
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