Noise, noise, noise
 
While listening to a program on W.E.B. Dubois on “On Being” with Krista Tippett as the host, I was reminded of the inaugural poem by Elizabeth Alexander, Praise Song for the Day,  read by the poet on January 20, 2009 during the inauguration of President Barack Obama.  The beginning of the poem is:
 
“Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other, catching each other’s
eyes or not, about to speak or speaking.
All about us is noise. All about us is
noise and bramble, thorn and din, each
one of our ancestors on our tongues.”
 
For a very long time, I kept a copy of this poem in its entirety on my desk because it so affected me.   I remembered it this morning while first listening to the morning newscast while walking on the treadmill and later while reading the St. Petersburg Edition of the Tampa Tribune (January 8, 2016). Whether it was the CNN sponsored town hall meeting with President Obama on gun control, the report of the latest comments by presidential candidates in the United States, the comments and threats by various political groups around the world, the fear of many who are reacting to the hysteric  gun owners in the United States, the religious extremists or those cheering the execution of Mr. Bolin in Florida,  the  political promises of Mr. Trump or the reaction of neighbors to a group of convicted sex offenders living in their neighborhood, we seem to be fond of or perhaps it is surrounded by and acclimated to noise.  We seem unable to listen to those such as Plato, Aristotle, or W.E. B. Dubois.  As early as 1903 Dr. Dubois was saying: 
“I sit with Shakespeare and he winces not across the color line. I move arm and arm with Balzac and Dumas. I summon Aristotle and Aurelius and what soul I will and they come all graciously with no scorn nor condescension.” (On the Training of Black Men)
 
The scorn and condescension with which we filter so much of what we hear and, thus, what we say continues to block out meaningful dialogue.   Many of us seem to begin the drum roll in our heads before we hear the words of President Obama, the written words of such wise people as  Dr. Dubois, or even the words of Mr. Trump.     I want to righteously shout to Mr. Trump, “Do you hear yourself?” and then, of course, I realize that I am doing the very same things which I so harshly judge in others.
 
It seemed that many had  prepared their response or questions to President Obama long before he opened his mouth.   Whether it was the woman who had been raped and had somehow decided that stricter background checks would keep her from protecting herself or those seemingly echoing the words of Mr. Trump and representatives of the IRA about second amendment rights, the noise which they emitted seemed to me to be unrelated to what he said.     Of course then I must admit that I do exactly the same thing with those with whom I have pre-decided will say nothing which, in my mind, approaches rational logic.
 
Dr. Dubois talked about the veil worn “by all African-Americans because their view of the world and its potential economic, political, and social opportunities is so vastly different from that of white people.”
 
Dr. Martin Luther King in the spirit of Langston Hughes talked about the dream beneath the veil, if we even condescend to listen.  In case one has forgotten Langston Hughes on dreams, it is:


 
Dreams
 
Hold fast to dreams 
For if dreams die 
Life is a broken-winged bird 
That cannot fly. 
Hold fast to dreams 
For when dreams go 
Life is a barren field 
Frozen with snow.

 
Dreams imply an alternate reality. Dreams demand a letting go of the shield of noise-  demand risking that one might hear what is fearful, uncomfortable, unexpected  - something which conflicts with, threatens to drown out the noise I have so carefully stored to use as soon as I know it is dangerous to listen.
 
The last part of of Elizabeth Alexanders’s poem is as follows:
 

Some live by love thy neighbor as thyself,
others by first do no harm or take no more
than you need. What if the mightiest word is love?
 
Love beyond marital, filial, national,
love that casts a widening pool of light,
love with no need to pre-empt grievance.
 
In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air,
anything can be made, any sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,
 
praise song for walking forward in that light.
Copyright © 2009 by Elizabeth Alexander. All rights reserved

If one has not read the entire poem recent I  recommend that one do so.    It had easily be assessed on line.

It seems that wise man and women continue to offer a very simplistic solution  to what ails us - love - of self, others and mother mature.  Perhaps it really is that simple.

Written January 8, 2015

Charlotte’s Web – One pig at a time
 
Thursday morning, for some reason, I was thinking of the pig Wilbur in  the children’s story Charlotte’s Web  written by E. B. White and illustrated by Garth Williams.  Many readers will recall that Wilbur, the pig,  is scheduled to be slaughtered until Charlotte, the spider, plants positive messages about Wilbur in her web.  Eventually Wilbur is entered in the county fair and despite the fact that he wins no prizes at the fair, he  becomes too well known for the farmer to kill him. Charlottes is worn out and dies, but Wilbur returns to the farm and protects Charlotte’s egg sac.  When the new spiders are born  the  three smallest spiders whom Wilbur names Joy, Nellie, and Aranea stay.  Adults and children have loved this story since it was first published in October of 1952.  There is something in most of us which can empathize with those we perceive unable to take care of themselves.
Wilbur is symbolic for all those we deem helpless and innocent.  Wilbur has done nothing to deserve his fate of being scheduled for slaughter other than being born a pig in a society where the majority of people condone the eating of pork.  Charlotte symbolizes the unlikely person who comes to the aid of a helpless, innocent one.  
 
The story requires that  we suspend much of what we know or believe.  For example we can suspend:
 
      There are those who are innocent  and deserve our empathic compassion and those who do not.
      Charlotte is an exceptional spider.  We do not need to change what our view of or what our relationship is with spiders.  Killing spiders is a good thing.
      Everything has a purpose and the purpose of the pig is to provide substance for we humans.  After all, for those of us who not believe that pork is unclean and an abomination.  Isiah 66:17 states:  English Standard Version
“Those who sanctify and purify themselves to go into the gardens, following one in the midst, eating pig’s flesh and the abomination and mice, shall come to an end together, declares the LORD.”
      Subliminal or gentle, positive messages do not work as well as more direct, forceful (even violent) messages.  It would have been better if the author had given Charlotte the equivalent of an AK 47 or , at the very least, a miniature 45 pistol.
      Only like-minded people or  those in the same community or group can  solve the problem of that group or community.
 
Oh my!  This very brief, “children’s” story challenges us to  move well past our comfort zone and, yet, even Mr. Trump, radical extremists, or other naysayers  are not likely to criticize this story or insist that it be banned.  Most of us will somehow intuit that in  this alternate reality of Charlotte, Wilbur, the other farm animals, and even the runt children of Charlotte is possible – at least in this make believe world. For a few minutes we are transported beyond the world of violence, homelessness, prisons, and, yes even the slaughter of the human pigs.  We are transported beyond the seemingly justifiable celebration of the mother over the Florida execution of Oscar Ray Bolin who was convicted of the brutal murder of her daughter 30 years ago.  The mother is reported to have said about the execution, “I’m kind of excited about it…I’m about to experience something wonderful.  I’ve anticipated this , and I feel very upbeat about it.” (St Petersburg edition of the Tampa Tribune’s article by Geoff Fox “30 years after killings Bolin to be executed.”).   We are transported beyond presidential campaign news, botched VA claims benefit processing, nuclear bombs, beheadings, and “natural” disasters to a world where the impossible is possible.
 
Personally I need the alternative reality of stories like Charlotte’s Web just as I need the reminder of 2-year old Charlie and all the other two-year-olds who remind me that  a gentle, loving approach to change is realistic – that the Charlotte’s  can change the world one pig at a time!

Written January 7, 2016

 
Six- year-old Sam asks about immigrants
 
I was surprised to see my six-year-old adopted niece walking across from the house next door after she got home from school yesterday afternoon.  I quickly got down the ingredients for hot chocolate and got out the mini-cheesecakes I had made earlier during the day.
 
Me:  Good afternoon Sam.   It is good to see you.   Did you have a good day at school?
 
Sam:  Yes,  Uncle Jim. Well, it was okay I guess.
 
Me:  Oh!  What happened at school today?  First, do you want some hot chocolate and a mini-cheesecake?
 
Sam: Yes, please. Can I help make the hot chocolate Uncle Jim?
 
Me:   That would be great.  Let me pull the stool over by the stove. I will also get your apron.
 
Here we go.   Let me tie the apron on for you.
 
Sam: Thanks Uncle Jim.  Will you measure and the cocoa and water Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Sure.  Here we go.  You can begin stirring and I will measure the milk and put in on to heat.
 
Sam:  Uncle Jim, I heard on the television that the police are arresting mothers and children and making them leave the country.  Does this mean mom and I and Paul could be made to move and leave dad, you, grandpa, grandpa, mamma and pa pa?
 
Me:  No, Sam you and your mom are citizens. Do you know what the word citizen means Sam?
 
Sam: Not exactly.   Can we finish the hot chocolate Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Sure.   
 
I pour in the heated milk and Sam stirs it while I get out the cups, the marshmallows, and the whipped cream.
 
Me: Looks ready. 
 
I pour it into the cups and then add the whipped cream and the marshmallows.
 
I also take the cupcake paper off and mini-cheesecake and put in on a plate.   Sam hops down from her stool and sits at the table.
Me: Since you are eating let me get the dictionary.
 
I get the dictionary from the shelf and bring it to the table.
 
Me: Do you know how to spell citizen Sam?
 
Sam: Sss   it.  Sitasin?
 
Me:  No, it sounds like that doesn’t it?  Actually it is c but it is just one of those things we have to memorize.
 
Sam:  It is hard Uncle Jim
 
Me:  Yes, it is really hard for people who come here and have to learn another language.
 
Let’s see.  Here it is.  Citizen.  Here I will write it on the chalkboard so you can see it. 
 
1.      A legally recognized subject or national of a state or commonwealth, either native or naturalized.
2.     An inhabitant of a particular or city.
 
Sam:  That is confusing Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Yes it is. If someone is born in this county or another country and especially if their parents already live in the country usually someone is a citizen.  Sometimes, if someone gets permission they can study and take a test to become a citizen.   Sometimes people do not feel safe or cannot get a job and they try to go to another country such as ours.
 
Sam:  Is that like the mothers and children they are making leave Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Yes. They apparently could not get permission to come to this country and came anyway.
 
Sam:  Why couldn’t they get permission?
 
Me:  I am not sure, but I know the United States and most other countries only give permission to certain number of people.
 
Sam;  Is it safe for the mother and children to go back where they came from?
 
Me:  I don’t know.  It may not be Sam?
 
Sam:  We could let them stay in our extra room or you have extra rooms Uncle Jim.  Then we could tell the police to bring them to our house or your house Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  I wish it was that simple Sam.  If we let them stay here or at your house, we would get into trouble for hiding someone who did not have permission to be in this country.
 
Sam:  Well,  if we fed them and gave them a place to live why would anyone care?
 
Me:  I guess that the fear is that if it was that easy everyone would try to come to this country and then we would have to pay for them to go to school, the doctor, and everything else.
 
Sam:  I could give up part or all of my allowance Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Well, if we all gave up our allowance maybe we could at least take more of the people who need to leave their country because it is not safe.  I do not think everyone is willing to do that Sam.
 
Sam:  What can we do Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Well, a friend of mine recently died and when she was young she did not have a safe home. She went back to school and eventually because a state senator and helped make new laws to help women and children who were living in unsafe homes. Because of her lots of other women and some men now have safe places to stay.  So, if you study hard you could grow up and get elected to the job of helping to make new laws.
 
Sam: You mean like the people who want to be President?
 
Me:  Yes. All those people believe that they can make better laws than we have now.
 
Sam:  My mom and dad think some of them would make bad laws.
 
Me:  Well, it is true that some of them would make it even harder for people to come to this country when they feel unsafe in another country.
 
Sam: Uncle Jim, I thought my grandma and grandpa came from another country.
 
Me: Actually, I think it was their parents who first came to this country.  Some people helped them when they got here.
 
Sam:  So if no one had helped them I would not be here.
 
Me:  That is right.  (I wisely do not talk about the fact that that she might not have been born as her if the chain of events had been different.)  I am glad that they did.
 
Sam:  Me too.  I think I am going to study now Uncle Jim.  Should I say a prayer for all the mothers and children getting sent back?
 
Me:  Yes, I think that we should both do that Sam.
 
Written January 6, 2015 
 

Sex – abuse, control, procreation, enjoyment

While reading the St. Petersburg edition of the Tampa Tribune on Tuesday, January 5, I was drawn to an Associated Press Article entitled Pentagon tracks abuse of military children by Richard Lardner, Eileen Sullivan and Meghan Hoyer. The authors state, “The sexual  of military dependents occurs hundreds of times each year, according to data the Defense Department provided to the Associated Press   There were at least 1,584 substantiated cases between fiscal years 2010 and 2014 according to the data, which is the most current available.  The abuse is committed most often by male enlisted troops followed by family members.”  (I question that statistic but that is another matter.  It may be accurate for those identified and punished.)

A very brief, cursory search will review the below data which is only a fraction the information available.  What one will not find as easily is that the term sexual offender or sexual offense  will include a wide variety of offenses  and people.   For example, age differential varies from state to state. That is, the chronological age difference is a part of the definition of sexual abuse in many states.  Thus, even when reading statistics such as those below one needs more information regarding victims, those who were accused and convicted and the exact nature of the event and how or why it was reported.   For example, many parents do not report their 20 something child having a romantic and sexual relationship with their 14 or 15 year old child.   On the other hand I have been a expert witness In trials involving an immature 19 year old having a sexual relationship with a consensual 15 year old.  The 19year old served prison time.  Accusations by a spouse during a bitter divorce hearing have often resulted in individuals being convicted of sexually abusing a child. Some of these may be accurate.  Many are not. 

Below is a sampling  of the statistics:

¥ Approximately 30% of sexual assault cases are reported to authorities. 3
¥ 9.3% of cases of maltreatment of children in 2012 were classified as sexual abuse. 9
¥ 62,939 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2012. 9
¥ According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics’ National Criminal Victimization Survey, in 2012, there were 346,830 reported rapes or sexual assaults of persons 12 years or older. 17
¥ In 2010, 12% of rapes and sexual assaults involved a weapon. 13
¥ In 2010, 25% of the female victims of rape/sexual assault were victimized by strangers. 13
¥ According to “Have Sexual Abuse and Physical Abuse Declined Since the 1990s?” an article released by the Crimes Against Children Research Center in 2012: 19
◦ There was a 56% decline in physical abuse and a 62% decline in sexual abuse from 1992 to 2010.
Despite some skepticism of reporting methods by various agencies, declines in child physical and sexual abuse since the 1990s, as reported to National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS), reflect a true decline in prevalence.
National Sex Offender Public Website
https://www.nsopw.gov

Hopefully, it is true that there is a real decline in sexual abuse of adults and children in the united States.  Currently for those in federal prisons:


National Sex Offender Public Website
https://www.nsopw.gov

Sex Offenses
14,191
7.6%
Bop.gov   (federal prison data)

Then there are those incarcerated individuals who are sexually abused.

Nearly one in 10 prisoners suffer sexual abuse while incarcerated in state prisons, local jails and post-release treatment facilities, according to a report published Thursday by the U.S. Department of Justice.

The report, based on the first National Former Prisoners Survey, includes data from 518,800 former prisoners who were on supervised parole in mid-2008.
An estimated 3.7 percent said they were forced or pressured to have nonconsensual sex with another inmate. About 5.3 percent reported an incident that involved facility staff.  (Karl Huus www.nbcnews.com, May 17, 2015)

There is no question in my mind that even if we only counted  those cases where some force was used to sexually molest another person the numbers are staggering.   It is also generally agreed that most cases of sexual abuse are not reported.  Some estimates are that up to 68% of sexual assaults are not reported..

How and why is this possible?  How is possible that we as a society are responsible for so many people:
• Use sex as a way of controlling another or attempting to do so.
• Have a powerful, obsessive desire to have sex with a pre-publescent child and post publescent children.
• Enjoy/desire to use pornography.  The fact is that on line  pornography is a big business (Globally, porn is a $97 billion industry, according to Kassia Wosick, assistant professor of sociology at New Mexico State University. Between $10 billion and $12 billion of that comes from the United States. Revenue from traditional porn films has been shrinking, though, because of piracy and an abundance of free content on the Internet.)
• Not knowing how to talk about or manage sexual feelings which can start at a very early age.
• Other than occasional conjugal visits not planning for or assisting inmates in dealing with sexual feelings/urges without abusing others.
• That even on sites such as Ashley Madison there are many customers who are willing to risk a lot, including money, to get help in locating a sexual partner other than one’s spouse.
• So many will risk career, reputation, national secrets to have a sexual relationship.

Perhaps we can agree to the following:
• No person decides that they will have particular sexual feelings or desires. One might decide that a sexual desire which the general populace says is immoral is indeed moral, but ones does not decide, for example “In this life journey I will be obsessively attracted to very young (even infant) children.
• The need for control is not about sex although sex can be used as a means of control.
• Most of we humans have very strong sexual feelings.
• Sexual feelings can be used to express a deep emotional intimacy or can be used to avoid emotional intimacy.
• Most of we humans have a strong need to feel connected. Sex can allow us, at some level, feel connected.
• Children, adults, highly intelligent people and those on the low end of intelligence can and often do have very strong sexual feelings/desires.
• Teenage children have very strong sexual feelings.
• Many teenager appear physically and sometimes emotionally to be very mature, sexually desirable.
• It seems natural (certainly is frequent) for older and younger people to be sexually attracted to each other. Consider the popularity of cougars or the popularity of older men and younger women being attracted to each other and getting married.   (The same is true in gay and lesbian relationships.)
• Even deeply religious and good people who are spiritual leaders often seem to be unable to refrain from violating their core beliefs about sexual morality.
• Many people do seem able to make decisions about sexual activity based solely on their religious/spiritual beliefs.
• We use sexuality or the hint of sexuality to sell many products in our culture – automobiles, appliances, guns, clothes, food, entertainment.
• There is a great disparity in age of consent for sexual activity throughout the world.
• Humans haven been experimenting with rituals  around sexual behavior for at least as long as any history has been recorded.
• Often rules or mores about sexual behavior are different for each “class” of people

If we honestly want to reduce the frequency of injurious sexual behavior we need to be be clear about the facts and our biases.  We also need to distinguish between behavior which we personally do not like, enjoy or even may find disgusting and that which is necessarily harmful.  We also need to insure that victims are true victims and not those who are convinced by the culture that they are victims.  

This could be a starting place if we  honestly want to create a more honest and safe world for all of us.  

Written January 5, 2016

The art of letting go
 
This morning I decided I wanted to visit the Museum of Fine Arts in Saint Petersburg, Florida where the artist Losang Samten, a former Buddhist monk and attendant to the Dalai Lama, is using colored sand to re-create the Medicine Buddha mandala which is a concentric configuration of geometric shapes that depicts the Buddha of Healing.   Geoff Fox, A Tribune Staff member, in an article entitled “Artist temporarily creates in sand” in the St Petersburg edition of the Tampa Tribune on January 4, 2015 reports:
            “Samten will spend much of the next two weeks re-creating the work with colored sand. After the painstaking task is finish, the sand will be tossed into nearby water at noon Jan.16.
            ‘Sometimes we care too much about difficult feelings and it’s difficult to let go,’ Samten said.  ‘Seeing the dismantling (of the mandala) helps people let it go.’
            ‘The reality,’ he said, ‘is that everything is changing.’ “
 
It is interesting that one of the possessions I have the most difficult time letting go of is the artwork created by friends of mine. Actually that is not entirely true.  I also have a difficult time letting go of gifts which are tangible reminders of a loving circle of friends who have brought me great comfort and who have reminded me that if I do not take care of myself I am affecting others.  At any rate, I am, of course, well aware that at some point in the not too distant future I will die and then my son and the executor of my estate will dispose of my possessions.  My son may take a few things but, for the most part, nothing I possess, other than some family photographs, will have the same meaning for him as it did for me.
 
Death will, of course, force me to let go    A severe flood, fire, hurricane, or other natural event could, of course, also force the letting go.   The other possibility is to follow the example of such teachers as Losang Samten and other sand and ice artists (other spiritual teachers) who are practiced in the art of letting go.
 
Although I have made progress in this process, I have a long way to go.  Certainly it is not the things which are a problem.   It is my attachment to them and the extent to which they take my time, attention, and energy.    Mr. Samten will, I am sure, hold on to the pencils or whatever tools he uses to draw the design – perhaps a computer.  My guess is that if he did not nave these tools he would use some other tools, decide to just create from memory, or allow the creative part of his brain to begin with the sand and skip the preliminary drawing.   
 
Yesterday I shut down an old billing program which required a special computer, monitor, and a continuous feed printer. All this was sitting on a very nice computer desk.  I put the main frame of the computer in the closet until I can destroy the hard drive. The table I gave to a friend who works from home part of the time, and loaded the keyboard, printer and monitor into the trunk of the car to take to a person who has a shop where he takes used equipment and passes it along, often for free, to those who want/need it.  Several times since loading up the car I have thought about taking these items out and keeping them just in case.   Thankfully I have not done that.
 
As we know letting go does not apply just to things.  Sometimes it is things which I find it easiest to let go of.   I have a much more difficult time letting go of ideas or concerns.  For example, I get embarrassed when I do something which is inconsistent with my values. This may be forgetting a birthday, saying something which is insensitive and hurtful, or doing something else which reminds me (and “the world” – lol) that I am human.
 
Sometimes I attempt humor when I need to just lovingly listen.   Sometimes I get in my manic task-oriented dance and am not emotionally present to the task or another person. 
 
The point is that I am, like most of we humans, very skilled at holding on to expectations that I should come closer to perfect (less human) in all that I do or wanting the universe to let me ‘let me’ off the hook by taking my stuff so that I do not have to feel guilty or sad for letting it go.
 
I am grateful to all those such as Losang Samten who are lovingly reminding me that it is safe to relax and let go.  I am well aware that letting go requires me to be present in my very limited, human way.  
 
It again occurs to me that even in my delusion that there is any permanency is something I can let go of. Even the artwork which so poignantly reminds me of the dear and talented friends is never the same.   I have a constantly changing relationship with every piece.  Since I am constantly changing, the relationship is constantly changing making it, in that sense, a different piece of art work every time I look at it.
 
Losang Samten’s assistant, Lyn Dean, said that Samten’s work  may “…bring peace to a community.  It softens people… They leave happier.  He’s not here to teach religion.  It about sharing art and culture.”  I would say art can very powerfully draw the viewer into its center thus taking one out of ourselves and allowing one, for a moment, for us to be present.  Unconditional love can do that no matter what form the love arrives in – art, a hug, a note, a special meal, a favor, a kind word, listening.
 
Written January 4, 2016

Creativity versus acting out
 
It really does seem as if the muse is on vacation today. In fact, I feel tired and out of sorts today although I got seven hours sleep.  It seems as if it was a restless sleep overlaid with strange dreams of being at a conference dressed in the wrong clothes and sitting in room far away from main conference room and, yet, one which allowed me a view of the main conference room and adjacent rooms where people were naked in a pool or hot tub.  One wonders what factors affect which synapses fire and, thus, which stored words or thoughts are going to explore a relationship.  It occurs that this is where creativity is born.  If and when I can allow various thoughts, feelings, or bits of memory to play with each other, there is the possibility of some new combination of words, images, or concepts deciding to explore a potential relationship.
 
Perhaps creativity arrives during sleep at times because although I say I want to be creative in all areas of my life, I am most comfortable with thoughts, situations, and things/objects which are predictable.  Well, perhaps I really mean the illusion of predictability and the illusion of comfort.    I also find myself (there is that phase again) getting bored with the same old, same old.     It does seem as if I am the most alive – the most present – when I am exploring or experiencing something new.  I may feel awkward, a bit fearful of the unknown, or embarrassed, but I feel alive. 
 
As a parent I think I often gave my son conflicting messages.  I would tell him to think for himself and then, often, when he did, I might be critical of the way he was thinking or “suggest” that there was a right way to do something.   Of course, there were times when his creativity was ill advised. Exploring what happens when one puts various objects in the electrical plug is not a good idea.   Deciding that puppets could be any shape, gender, or from any planet was great fun.  Experimenting with different clothes or costuming, as I preferred to name it, might elicit some comments from his peers but he needed to decide if it was worth it. Fortunately, my son was determined to do things his way even when his way led to some pretty negative consequences. At least they were consequences he experienced as a result of his decisions. When, however, the consequences adversely affected others, that was another matter.   
 
Still, if I am honest there was always a part of me who wanted my son to make decisions which did not result in a lot of stress for him or for his dad.  
 
I also give myself conflicting messages.  I say to myself, “Do it your way. Do not obey a rule just because it is a rule.”   Then I say to myself, “I just want to be a part of the group or the team.”  Often these do not go together. When I was an ordained Presbyterian minister, I would frequently get phone calls from my superiors questioning whether I had done something. They often got reports, “Reverend Pickett did such and such.”  They would call ask if I had done such and such. Almost always, I had indeed done such and such.   I might have performed a wedding ceremony for the daughter of a couple who had been kicked out of the church for “living in sin” (not being married but living together and caring for a demented spouse).  I might be working with the bar owners to develop an alternative activity for teenagers.  I might decide that the kids at our church could attend church school at another church rather than duplicating the classes in a small community.  I might “welcome home” a person who had just gotten out of prison.   There were any number of offenses which I deliberately committed.  Later, when I was working for a community mental health center, I was often being called on the carpet for breaking or bending a rule. I might see someone who did not qualify for free assistance or I might see someone who was third on the waiting list or I might hang paintings or drawings done by kids or adults which were not considered in good taste because they were too dark or potentially seen as erotic.   I once got into trouble for taking a client outside in the front of the hospital to sing and play his guitar. His presenting issue was stage fright.  The hospital was very anti-union and decided someone with long hair and a guitar might be singing pro-labor songs.  As a matter of fact, ….   It was rumored thereafter that one could hear pro-labor music being played in my office. Perhaps at times there was a bit of adolescent acting out just to act out which had nothing to do with creativity! 
 
At the same time, I sometimes felt bad because I was not considered a “team player.”   I wonder if Picasso, Mozart, Beethoven, or Martha Graham wanted to do their art their way and still desire to be appreciated by their contemporaries?   I suspect that often they did.
 
Most of us know the rules and how to be a valued, accepted person by our peers.  All we have to do is to play pretty music (using current definition of pretty);  paint nice pictures; cook food common to our culture/traditions; write something which is not likely to be controversial; marry or date the person who fits the standard for our culture, age, and profession; drive an acceptable car; wear appropriate gym attire; attend the right church; not raise questions which will make others uncomfortable; and, in general, follow the crowd.  We also know that if we want to avoid standing out or making waves when we are in the presence of someone like Mr. Trump we should agree with him (one side will like you) and blame the addict, the homeless person, the gang members for making bad choices and being  less than responsible.   Additionally we will not want to make choices which are too innovative or so far outside the box that people will think we are bad business people.  For example, we do not want to be a Steve Jobs, an Alexander Graham Bell, or a Benjamin Franklin.    Can you imagine being the person who posited that they could get the voice to run across a wire to another house, business, or even town?
 
I know the rules. I know how to behave. I often choose not to follow the rules or to behave.  I need to laugh at myself when I expect to be lauded for not doing what I know I need to do to be lauded.  I am not a victim.  At the same time, I want to make sure that I am not breaking a rule just so I can prove that I can break a rule.  I am much too old to be doing that.  
 
It seems to be that creativity allows for the possibility of  improving life for we humans and the rest of creations.   Acting out is for my sole enjoyment or to prove that I can without no thought about how others will be affected.  
 
As I begin a new year, I want to again commit myself to thinking outside the box – to exploring a dance of life which allows for the possibility of a world in which we work together to take care of each other more effectively.   For me this means allowing for discomfort, fear, and letting go of any illusion that my dance today is “the dance.”
 
Written January 3, 2016

Addiction and medical ethics
I am writing on January 2, 2016.  As is currently my habit, following a workout at the gym, I read the Saint Petersburg edition of the Tampa Tribune while I eat breakfast.  Sometimes digesting food is not very compatible with reading the morning news. Actually, often it is not compatible.  Stories of war, political campaigns, and all the other ways that we humans demonstrate our seeming need to bolster our own sense of worth at the expense of others and frequently in the name of the God of our understanding is not consistent with my body relaxing and digesting whatever food I am eating. In fact much of what we humans do is not consistent with our individual health or the health of the community.  On most days there is one particular story or article which commands my attention. This morning it was an article by Keith Morelli of the Tribune staff headlined “Heroin’s surge raises medical ethics issue.”   Mr. Morelli does an excellent job of describing an ethical issue faced by surgeons and other health care team members in Florida and, I assume, other states.   Mr. Morelli reports:
 
“Cardiac surgeons are seeing a 50 percent increase in ineffective valvular heart disorders attributed to the use of dirty needles, said Scott H. Bronleewe, a cardiac surgeon practicing in Tampa for the past 26 years.
            The cost is staggering: more than $500,000 for the procedure and hospital stay for an uninsured addict, many of whom are back on the operating table within a few months, suffering from the same infection.
            Surgeons across the state, already stretched thin by the problem, are stepping back, saying they will operate on an addict once, maybe twice, but will draw the line at a third time.
            ‘We try to scare them’, Bronleewe said, ‘On multiple occasions we sit with families and read them the riot act.  We tell them if you come back with a reinfected condition, you more than likely are going to die.’
Mr. Morelli goes on to report that Dr. Bronleewe goes on to say that the problem is increasing since the state shut down the pill mills ‘which were an easy way for addicts to obtain opiates.’
‘Most of Dr Bronleewee’s patients who fall into this category are opiates addicts, injecting either Dilaudid or heroin, he said.’
Mr. Morelli also talked to Dr. James Orlowski, chief of pediatrics at Florida Hospital Tampa and chairman of the hospital’s ethics committee.  Dr Orlowski is also author of the 1999 book “Ethics of Critical Care Medicine.”  He quotes Dr. Orlowski as saying, ‘It takes a lot of time, a lot of skill, and it’s expensive.  If an individual isn’t going to change behavior and take responsibility for their life, the surgeon really doesn’t have an obligation to replace that heart value a second or third time.
Later in the article Mr. Morelli again quotes Dr. Bronleewee, ‘People have to take responsibility and help themselves and change their destructive lifestyle, he said.’”
 
First, let me apologize to the reader for so extensively quoting  Mr. Morelli’s article.    I am perfectly aware that the reader is able to find the article on line and read it for themselves.   Even though it may seem like it  I did not quote the entire article and do invite the reader to read it in its entirety.    I am very appreciative of Mr. Morelli for writing the article and the Tribune for publishing it.   
 
As a certified masters level addiction therapist, I am saddened with what appears to be the lack of understanding of the disease of addiction and the consequent lack of empathy.    If I am reading the article with an open mind and  if Mr. Morelli’s is accurate in his quotes, there seems to be little to no understanding of this disease and how completely it hijacks the life of the addict and all who care about him or her.  This week I have talked with a family whose adult son had again relapsed and was terrorizing  his parents.   Not long ago this very fine young man had finally surrendered to the need for treatment.  He went to a treatment facility and came home the son they loved and who had been missing in action for some time.  He was the same kind, loving,  smart young man he was prior to the addiction hijacking his mind and body. This young man  has been hospitalized with acute kidney distress on more than one occasion.    He was happy and proud to be a man of whom he could be proud. Yet, he was unable to allow himself to buy into a 12-step program or some other system which would provide the objective support he needed when the addictive messages returned  to again take over his brain.  Treatment does not erase the addictive history or messages. When normal life stressors arise, the old messages – the old habits of thinking and behavior –  attempt to  take over and the addict either runs to the supportive circle of a recovery group   or any spiritual support group or he/she relapses.  In this case the addict relapsed and now the angry, threating, inconsiderate, potentially dangerous  addicted part of his brain  has taken over the body of this young man and attempted to, once again,  take  over the life of the family.   For the first time in the years of  this young and the family living with this illness, the family knew that the son had to leave, go back to a treatment program, or start using the resources of a recovery program.
 
One of the problems, of course, is that alcohol  and other abusive drugs (1)directly affect how the brain is functioning and (2) aggravate the already difficult condition of attempting to change a habit.  There has been much research on the fact that where and how habitual patterns are stored in the brain makes them very difficult for we humans to change. Add to that how particular drugs affect the brain, it is easy to see that we are expecting the addict’s  brain to make a rational decision when it is not capable of being rational.   There are times when the addict feels so badly (is so sick and tired of being sick and tired) that he or she will follow the direction of  another person, but this does not mean the brain of the addict is working in any way approaching normal logic.
 
In most states and overall in this country, the USA, the addict whose illogical brain wreaks havoc  and/or breaks laws, he or she, if they live, go to prison. In a few prisons they may he offered treatment. Often they are not offered treatment.  If they have acute medical conditions they may or may not end up in a medical facility before they die.   They cannot, in most cases, be involuntarily committed to a treatment facility unless someone is convinced that they are going to commit direct and deliberate suicide in the very near future.   Knowing that they are not able to think logically and are being self-destructive to the possible point of death, is not considered legal justification to commit them to treatment.
 
Neither the addict nor the family of the addict need to be “read the riot act.”    If we humans could change behavior by being lectured to as bad people or lectured on our responsibility to take care of ourselves, we would not  need change agents – medical doctors, mental health professionals, spiritual guides.  
 
The issues we must address, in my opinion, are:
1.      We do have limited health care resources and have to make difficult decision about who gets health care.
2.     Health care decisions are currently often made in the context of  for profit doctors, hospitals, insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and other health care professionals and treatment facilities.  We need to revisit a single payer health care system. 
3.     We need to revisit payment for medical school which will allow us to revisit expectations regarding salaries of physicians.
4.     We need independent studies by scientists unrelated to the drug industry to see how new drugs can be created, tested, and made available for a reasonable cost.
5.     Families members of those addicted need respectful, loving support. At times, they may have to make difficult choices to protect the health of the other family members. This may include asking the member to leave and going to a treatment facility (assuming health insurance, availability  of a bed in that facility) and/or going to a homeless shelter.  They may even have to take out a restraining order.  This is done out of love for the entire family and is excruciatingly painful.  Family members will resist doing this a long as possible.  Labeling them as co-dependent is not helpful.
6.     Many treatment center are healthy and helpful. Many are not.  Insurance companies may dictate what treatment centers  are covered and for how long treatment is covered.  Many very good treatment centers are not affordable for most people
7.     Treatment centers often have long waiting lists.
8.     We need to revisit states which dictate who can be committed. Revisiting these laws will not helpful if there are not sufficient beds available when needed, qualified, not compassionate staff who are trained in addiction treatment, and no way to pay for treatment.
9.     One does not decide to become an addict.  Many people will  experiment with drugs, alcohol, or other addictions and will not become addicted.
10.  We need to drop the arrogant, self-righteous attitudes which condemn some addiction and laud others.   Addiction is the  powerful, habitual, and compulsive desire to use power, money, sex, drugs (including alcohol), things, or something else outside ourselves to try to prove our worth and/or to avoid feeling as if we are not enough.
11.  We all need to quit acting as if we have or know the answers. At this point none of the answers anyone proposes are working very well.  A few individuals, families, and communities do get better in the current system, but most do not.
12.  When we have to make choices about who gets care, let’s do so with compassion and deep sorrow.
 
A lot of the change would  be painfully difficult and would require  changes in core beliefs and how we think about and design all levels of our communities.

Written on January 2, 2016

 

Listening for the questions

I am writing on the first day of 2016.  I have listened to an interview with Carrie Newcomer, the singer, songwriter, poet, teacher, worked out at the gym, talked with a client on the phone, and chatted with several friends via the internet.  My first resolve for this New Year is to “listen” for the questions instead of starting with all the chatter which purports to answer a question which has yet to be made clear.

Earlier when listening to the interview with Carrie Newcomer on the NPR program, “On Being” hosted by Krista Tippett, her discussion about her practice as a Quaker reminded me of  the practice of Quakers who sit quietly and listen  during the service only speaking if they feel strongly moved to do so.  Quakers also practice consensus decision making.   This process also requires listening and acceptance.  

My experience is that many of we humans, including this human, are quick to provide our answers.  Often we may present our answers as “the answers” and, yet, if we are asked to clearly articulate the questions which we are answering we might find this very difficult.

As I read the Saint Petersburg edition of the Tampa Tribune today, Jnuary 1, 2016, I was acutely aware of how many of the articles or news stories were about answers.   Whether it was the survey result which indicated that United States citizens place a “higher priority on preserving the rights of Christians than for other faith groups, ranking Muslims as the least deserving of the protection, … (“Backing for atheists and non-Christians’ freedoms dwindles” by Rachel Zoll and Emily Swanson of The Associated Press), reports on the campaigns of various presidential candidates, the million dollar bail of the mother who helped her young son  violate his probation and flee to Mexico, the decision to the United States to sell more weapons to  some other countries, or the listing of some of the cases which will come before the Supreme Court of the United States this year, it was clear that  I am surrounded by people with answers.  Clearly they must know the questions if they know the answers.  Of course, I do not need to look to the newspaper, listen to NPR or other news media, read one of the many new books available, or search the internet to find answers. I can just listen to my own chatter. This is what happens when I decide I am going to meditate or make a firm resolve that I will attend a meeting or a gathering and not offer an opinion.  I resolve to listen and soon some poltergeist takes charge of my mouth and words are pouring out. Actually, what I first notice is that the neurons in brain are firing quickly gathering chattering thoughts filled with answers.  Just this morning at the gym someone was generously sharing a spiritual experience he had while visiting friends in Georgia during the recent holidays I “found myself” wanting to comment or share my experience or explain to him why he had this experience or….  Chatter, chatter, chatter!! Some other creature is attempting to  counter this chatter with an order to “Just shut up and listen.”   Now a third part of my mind is noticing the argument between the chattering part and the part which is ordering the chattering to stop.   Mercy!  I wonder who else will show up before I can be quiet enough to listen.

The basic message of the person sharing the story was that he needed to trust the process and not think that he knows the question or the answer.  I am not sure that he would say this, but this is what I heard.

Carrie Newcomer often uses the metaphor of light or “the light” while exploring what it means for her to show up.   One of her songs is:

[music: “A Light in the Window” by Carrie Newcomer]
MS. NEWCOMER: [singing] What would I change if
The choice were mine?
I was doing the best
I knew at the time.
And every door that was opened
And door that closed,
All the things that made me grow,
Sent me off down another road,
Off to look for a light,
For a light in the window.
Now the old has already passed away
But the new is too new
to be born today.
So I'm throwing out seeds
On the winter snow,
As a cold wind begins to blow,
Standing here on a new threshold,
I can see a light,
There's a light in the window.
And the world is made of stone,
And the world is made of glass.
And the world is made of light,
And it's moving very fast.
We pass from mystery to mystery
So I won't lie
I don't know what happens
When people die.
But I hope that I see you walking slow,
Smiling wide as a sunrise grows,
Drop my map with a thousand folds,
In the distance I see it glow,
There's a light, there's a light
There's a light in the window

As I begin this new year I know that all I need to do is to sit quietly with that internal “light” on ready to received what walks in from the unknown- the dark. Perhaps this year I will hear the question or one of the important questions or perhaps I will just shut up long enough to avoid using the chatter to cover up the opening through which the light might come.

Written January 1, 2016

Memory
 
As I sit down to write on the morning of the 31st of the December, the last day of the year in the Georgian calendar, I find myself (love that phase, “finding myself”) continuing to focus on values - on the criteria for deciding on what is or is not important.   Most of us are first exposed to values by our families of origin.   We tend to internalize what we understood to be the factors guiding the behavior of the family in which we were raised.  Of course, our understanding is based on the spoken and unspoken messages as well as our own observations.     As an adult, I know, of course, that I see and hear with my mind and not with my eyes and ears.  What I thought I saw and heard was filtered through my childhood mind which, of course, contained a limited experience.   Occasionally, as an adult, I have been able to check with my siblings or even my mother to compare my childhood understanding with their memory.  Of course, their understanding and memories are also shaped by their experiences and the “knowledge” they have stored to in their internal library to help them interpret the auditory and visual cues which are transmitted to their brain by all their sensory organs – eyes, ears, nose, taste buds and, of course, that which arrives via sense of touch.  My memory and theirs is this very personal account of events which was experienced and interrupted by our individual brains. 
 
Sadly, if not careful, I will base current opinions and behavior on the truths I formulated from the time I was a young child.  If not careful, I will act as if there are absolute truths in terms of previous events and in terms of values or criteria for deciding behavior.
 
I may also talk or act as if my memory of the event is accurate in terms of how I experienced the event at the time.  I know, of course, that even my memory is an ever evolving story.   Over the years I have revisited these stories stored as memories and have added to or subtracted from them.  This is usually not a conscious or intentional process.  It seems as if the stories get more tragic or more wonderful depending on what might be going on with me now or what I need, in some part of my being, them to be.   
 
None of the above factors will necessarily stop arguments about which memory is correct or insure that I let go of resentments or past hurts which are based on these subjective truths.
 
This entire process sounds so silly when I write it down.   How could any of us, but especially this human who firmly believes what I have just written, hold on to resentment, hurts, or grudges based on these subjective truths?  This makes no sense at all.  I suppose I could state that somehow I have traveled  from point A to B over what I choose to call this period of time. 
 
Are there no facts?  Of course, there are bits of external reality to which most of us could agree. I can travel to the house or at least the property where I spent many years of my youth and even the house when I spent the period between my 16th  and 18th years. I could even show you, the reader, the first college that I attended in Annapolis, Maryland.  I could show you, the reader, photos of my childhood, my first and second marriage, me in my naval uniform, me with my son, my son with his mother, my mother at her 90th birthday party, and many more. All of these photos attest to a shared reality.   Whether the events were truly happy, whether I was a loving spouse, father, son, brother, or friend is up for debate.   There may be many different stories to illustrate or prove what sort of person I or others were in these photographs.
 
Of course, there are moments of shared reality.   It is a fact that there were human beings taken from certain communities in Africa, put on ships, treated as merchandize, frequently “buried” at sea, and if they arrived alive, sold on the auction blocks in various countries.  Certainly these were people fighting each other in various wars including the civil war in this country.  There is, however, a lot of disparity between the various stories of what led up to these events and what the events themselves signified.  No two history books seem to tell the same stories.
 
Yet, as we begin the new year we will, as individuals, families, members of religious institutions, local and national political leaders, and so-called spiritual leaders, design and implement behavior based on “THE TRUTH.”   No amount of scientific knowledge about how our brains  interpret and store  events will deter us from holding on to our absolute truths.
 
Obviously the problem is not that we take action. We cannot just be passive bystanders in this dance we call life.  This morning I have performed my morning absolutions, shaved, changed my bed, washed a lot of clothes, exercised at the gym, ate breakfast,  written emails and text messages, and chatted with various ones at the gym and at Panera’s. I will soon begin preparation for meals for my nephew and his wife who will be visiting sometime today. 
 
I will do my best to not write about, speak about,  or argue  with others about “truths.”  I will do my best to avoid slinging family truths at or with my nephew and his family or with any other family member no matter how insistent the invitation to validate a particular set of truths.  
 
I will be more or less successful in this endeavor in my private life. How successful I am  in this endeavor as I participate in the political process in this year of the campaign for the election of a new president in this country may be questionable.  I would like to say that I will not get sucked into arguments about political “truths.”  Well. …
 
Perhaps I need to frequently remind myself of the illusionary nature of “the truth”  and the subjective nature of all memories upon which I often base ‘the truth.’
 
Written December 31, 2015

Control and domestic violence
 
 
I was thinking of the importance of relationships while listening to a report from the United Kingdom about a change in their domestic violence law.   Persistent psychological abuse has now been added to the list of behaviors which legally define domestic violence and for which one can be arrested and charged. Specifically, controlling, coercive behavior is defined as abuse:
 
“The Home Office’s Statutory Guidance Framework on “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” includes:
•   Isolating a person from their friends and family
•   Controlling what they do, where they go, who they can see, what they wear and when they sleep
•   Repeatedly putting them down, such as telling them they are worthless
•   Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
•   Financial abuse
Threats to reveal or publish private information”
Independent.co.uk
 
Those of us who have worked with domestic violence have long known that domestic abuse/violence is about control or the attempt to control relationships, access to resources such as money,  the means of being financially independent, access to other ways of thinking via friends, books, etc., or access of any relationships which would remind one that one is worthwhile.   The physical violence may be a more immediately dangerous method of control but the psychological abuse is just as damaging.  It results in what Lenore Walker in one of the earliest scholarly works on domestic violence calls learned helplessness.  If one is isolated and consistently told that they are worthless, unable to take care of themselves, and unlovable one will begin to believe it and will not be able to take steps to escape the abusive relationship.
 
The irony, of course, is that the person who is being abusive is, himself or herself, without self-esteem.  They are fearful that they are unlovable and not worthwhile.    They will do anything to make sure that their partner or spouse does not find out that they have other options.   Their relationship with themselves is a very sad one.  In some ways they define their worth by their ability to control which, as we know, creates distance and not closeness – dislike and not love.
The abusive behavior makes their fear a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Someone who is abusive – physically and/or psychologically – is not easy to love.  One might “know” or believe that there is a good person beneath that controlling, hard, mean shelf but it is so distant that one ends up not caring.
 
I applaud the fact that in some states in the United States and in the United Kingdom, psychological abuse is now recognized as either the precursor or the accompaniment to physical violence.   I do not, however,  think locking up and punishing the abuser is not likely to change his or her behavior.     I understand and applaud the goals to (1) protect the person (and children if involved) being abused, (2) insure a safe place for the abused person and children if any are involved, (3) provide resources for the emotional, physical, and economic healing of the abused person.  At the same time, the goal needs to be to  provide the opportunity for the abuser to heal. Jail or prison is not the environment which is likely to facilitate that healing.   If the abusive person is not able to use the healing resources, one might need to keep them in protective custody until, and if, they are able to make use of such resources.  This is not punishment but is protective of both the abused and the abusive persons.  The abusive person needs protecting from himself or herself – often from the lies that he or she tells themselves.
 
Whether the abuse is in the workplace, in a commercial or public place, or in the home, it is not going to result in better health for the abused or the abuser.    If we humans continue to attempt to control others rather than facing our own fears, we are going to continue to create a world which is miserable and often dangerous for everyone. Acknowledging  the damaging power of  psychological abuse is an important step towards understanding and confronting domestic violence. Now, we need to take another step in recognizing the pain and fear which underlies the behavior of the abuser.   For a number of years there have been some wonderful therapists and programs which provide an opportunity for the abuser to heal. Sadly, the judicial system can easily be used to punish  and not  provide opportunities to heal.  Criminalizing a behavior can, if not careful, put the emphasis on punishment.  While it may be a strong statement by the community which says  “we know what is going on and it has to stop,” it can also be just another step in creating a criminal which will, in turn, create more problems long term,
 
Essentially I am again recommending that we reconsider our basic concept of justice.  Too often, it is based on an outdated  concept of an eye for an eye. This presupposes a good person or a victim and a bad person or a perpetrator.  The abused person has “learned” that he or she needs to control in order to feel important or worthwhile.   Rather than identifying and rejecting this lie, they act upon the basis of the truth(s) they have learned which in turn creates another victim who is likely to themselves abuse or raise children who abuse who …  It is often a vicious cycle.   If the thinking of the abusive person  needs changing then why not focus on changing that thinking?  Treating them badly  is not likely to change their thinking.  It is more likely to reinforce it.
 
Whether the abusive relationship involves individuals or families or communities or countries, the basic goal has been to punish.  This may work short term but it never works long term.
 
I hope that as we begin a new year, we call allow for the possibility of a different parading in approaching violence.  
 
Written December 30, 2015