Unforgivable?

Unforgiveable; Nothing Like Me

A few years ago I read the book by William Young, The Shack.   This book was widely read and discussed.  Given the central premise of the book I was surprised.  That premise of the book is that the main “human” character must forgive the person who raped and killed his young daughter.  It is not surprising that this character has a very difficult time with even entertaining the thought of forgiving “this evil” person; this person who has abused his young daughter and taken away her chance to live out this life journey.  Many or most of us would, I suspect, just refuse to even entertain the thought.  We might think to ourselves, “Are you kidding?  What is it you do not understand about how evil this man is.”   Yet in Mr. Young’s book God – portrayed as an African American woman who loves to cook and take care of people – Jesus the simple carpenter – and the Holy Spirit make it seem as if forgiving the man is the most natural thing in the world.

This teaching is, as many of us know, consistent with the teachings of many Buddhists.  My Buddhist teachers suggest that if we want to change the person who bullies or otherwise abuses others in order to feel more important or powerful we should realize that the person is acting that way because of the common human fear that he/she is not enough; that he/she needs to prove their worth by pretending to themselves and others that they are more than. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Zen Master states this principle as follows:  “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.  He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”   That person needs to learn that they are worth loving just as they are.  If I truly want to create a more loving and just world I will love those who are the most abusive.  That advice seems to go against all that most of us have learned.  It may seem as if loving that person would be tantamount to condoning their behavior.  Many of us have been taught “an eye for an eye” approach to justice; truly convincing ourselves that justice demands that we punish the person who is hurtful.  There are many “scientific” reports that suggest that punishment/treating people unkindly/as less then does not result in healing or long-term positive behavioral changes.  Despite the fact that the United States incarcerates more people than any other so called developed nation, keeps people in prison longer, labels and treats them as bad people they do not get better.  On the whole, the United States  has the highest rate of people returning to prison for a second or third or fourth time.   Of course there are those who do heal in prison; who use the opportunity to examine and change their behavior while they are incarcerated. It may be that some change their behavior merely to stay out of jail. Later they may or may not change their behavior because they want to leave a more spiritual legacy.

Neither the Buddhist nor Jesus is suggesting that we label behavior, which is emotionally or physically hurtful as good behavior.  They are suggesting that we quit lying to ourselves by telling ourselves that the person is worse than or less than or different than you or I.    “Now wait a minute,” we might say.  I have never wanted to rape or otherwise hurt little children. I have never killed a child or anyone else.  That person is much different than I.”  It is true that the level of disconnectedness with the person who rapes or kills may be stronger than I have experienced. There is no way I know how to accurately measure that level of disconnectedness.    Certainly I have, at times, felt very alone and disconnected.  I have certainly, at times,  put my needs above those of another person.   

I have never met a person who deliberately decided that they wanted to be alone and disconnected and able to hurt others without feeling the hurt of the other.  I have met those who were so frightened of being hurt again or so convinced that all people would hurt them that they did all they could to turn off their heart and just survive without considering the needs of others. Some of these live among us. Some have moved to isolated or wilderness areas. I met a number of such people when I lived and worked in Alaska; people who were choosing to live far away from other humans.  If those same people had children they did not hesitate to try to contact the coast guard to help get their child to a doctor.  No matter how much they wanted to be separate,  they would. at times,  use the services of other people; usually with gratitude.

When I worked in prisons in New Jersey, Alaska, and Indiana I encountered many people who seemingly deliberately chose to disconnect, who had been so hurt or lived in violent institutions for so long that they had come to believe that the only way to survive was to cut oneself off from others and to hurt them if they did not behave in a way that was consistent with the other persons perceived needs.  Even then, there were moments when one could detect their soft spot; that part of them which still could connect with an animal or a person.     Once I was assigned as the junior chaplain/counselor to the tier in the New Jersey prison where they were housing the alleged leaders of prisons riots in other prisons.   This was clearly a tough bunch of people who were very angry and did not care for “the man” especially if the man was white. Yet, following a testing period to see if I could be trusted to treat them with respect, I was treated with enormous respect and kindness. 

There was a television show some years ago called The Sopranos.  Tony Soprano was a mob boss who was married and had children.  He clearly was able to order many people hurt.  For him much of the time power and money trumped people in terms of importance.  Yet, with his family and in the conversations he had with his “shrink” one could clearly see his soft side.  This did not surprise me.  I suspect that he did this the same way we train people to kill when they are in combat representing their government.  I have long known that one of the ways that we train people to kill others in the name of country or justice is to label the groups of humans we are fighting as non humans. We use terms such as “Japs, Spics, enemy, Viet Cong, Gooks, terrorist, insurgent, etc.  The reason we do this is to disconnect from the humanness we share with the so-called enemy. In basic training, it is not uncommon to have the sergeant order the troops marching to the chow hall to chant slogans such as “I want to kill Gooks (substitute whatever the current terms are)” In the war the United States has waged in Iraq and Afghanistan the most common terms have been “insurgent” and “terrorist. “  That seems to be anyone who does not agree with us or whom we think wants us out of the country or wants to kill us as much as we want to kill them.

In the concentration camps people were given numbers that were tattooed on them.   For many years we used the “N” word to refer to African-Americans or the word Dyke to refer to any woman who stood up for women’s  equal rights. (We made use of another prejudice; that against women who loved other women romantically).  In other words the labels help us fulfill the need to discount their common humanness.  


Almost anyone who has been in combat will tell you that it is very tough when one kills someone and then finds photos of a partner and children on the person.  It makes them too much like them.  At some very basic level we “know” that we are all a part of each other.

I thought it very interesting that even former Israeli Intelligence Chiefs have suggested that if we want peace between Israel and Palestine each side has to be willing to drop the labels and meet their brothers and sisters who happen to be Israelis or Palestinians.  Each side has to be willing to let go of their attachment to the need to be right. To be sure each side has suffered a lot and each side is fearful of being annihilated by the other. Each has witnessed such attempts as the holocaust.  (The reader is referred to the documentary film, “The Gatekeepers”).

When we witness such atrocious, cruel behavior as suicide bombs, beheading, rape, waterboarding or other forms of torture it is difficult to trust that the other has a “soul” or a “soft spot” or is one who deserves forgiveness. Yet if we want a more peaceful and just world that is exactly what William Young’s book, The Shack is suggesting; that is what Thich Nhat Hanh, Jesus and other spiritual teachers are suggesting.

In the 12 Step program it is suggested that if we want to heal/grow spiritually/recover we will have to practice the “HOW” of the program- Honesty, Open Mindedness and Willingness. This means that we must be willing to look deep into our own heart and soul and honestly face the parts of ourselves which are attractive and the parts which are unattractive, the part which has socially inappropriate lustful thoughts; the part that thinks the world would be better off if so and so were to die; the part that covets the possessions of one’s neighbor; the part that judges others. This principle is based upon the teaching that if we can honestly see ourselves we will see all of human kind; even the person who rapes and murders that child.

The other day I was at the meeting of a board of a professional, health care organization.  I found myself noticing that the board members seemed very judgmental and righteous.  I asked myself, “how can ‘these people’ represent and lead a group of health care professionals whose commitment is to care for others be so unfeeling and cruel. I heard some of them saying about colleagues who had done something unethical or illegal that they deserved to be punished. They seemed to talk about “these people”  as  bad people very different that the good people on the board.   Then, of course, as I “heard myself” using terms as “these people” and heard myself judging them for being judgmental I knew that the challenge on which I needed to focus was loving the board members as much as I wanted them to love those who were struggling and who may have committed some unethical or illegal action.  I needed to see myself in them; to practice being honest with the part of me which can be judgmental and to face the challenge of accepting and loving the part of me which seems unlovable; the part of me which handles suffering or fear by pointing the finger at others.

I have been working at this a very long time and, yet, I continue to be daily challenged to own and love that part of me which is no different from the character in Mr. Young’s book – the person who rapes and kills the little girl.    At times it seems as if I have not made much progress, but then I notice that I am quicker to acknowledge that I am judgmental of those I perceive to be judgmental.  This is perhaps a small step in my own spiritual journey.