Blog Archives - Therapy or life coaching

Choices

2/14/2019

Choices

I was listening to a podcast of The Moth Radio hour this morning at the gym. On this program various individuals are recorded at live performance venues telling one oftheir life stories which has been particularly meaningful for them. This morning one of the people telling her story was Dawn Ross. Ms. Ross is an African American woman who after raising two very healthy children who attended very prestigious universities in an East Coast city accept a job offer in a Southern Mid-West community. During her 2 ½ years of working and living there she experience racism at a much more overt level then she previously had. Her goal when she encountered racism was to make a clear choice to respond with her “inner Martin “ Martin Luther King, Jr.) non- violent voice and heart. She was and is acutely aware that she has also internalized a “Malcomb” voice (Malcolm) which is not always non-violent. She was able to consistently make a choice to respond with her Martin voice.

Later, because it is the anniversary of the shooting at the school in Parkland Florida, I listened to some interviews with some of the survivors of that horrific shooting. One of those interviewed was a young man whose sister was killed. He states that although he remains a strong supporter of gun rights he has learned to “respectfully listen to the views of others. Although his views have not changed he says that his perspective has changed.

On this valentine day my goals are:

To continue to practice noticing when my love for others is conditional.
To continue to practice listening to others with an open mind and heart.
To continue to notice when I assume I can walk in the shoes of others,
To continue to practice accepting my own humanness and the humanness of others.

Today I am blessed to have a brain which allows for choices. Today I will be aware of those choices and choose my inner Martin voice.

Jimmy F Pickett
February 14, 2019
Coachpickett.org

Legal vs moral

2/13/2019

Legal vs moral

One might say that in addition to my addiction to books, I have, in recent years, expanded my addiction to podcasts and Ted Talks which arrive via the internet on my phone, watch or computer. Of course, as a proud father my favorite podcast is now giantpanda which is hosted by my son, Jamie Pickett. Although his guests are restricted to published authors he follows in the footsteps of talented interviewers such as Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air. On February 4th Ms. Gross’ guests included Bridgett M Davis, author of The World According to Fannie Davis, My Mother’s Life in the Detroit Numbers. Prior to legalized lotteries in the United States there was a lot of unofficial or illegal gambling. One form of gambling was the numbers which was very similar to what has become the legal lotteries. When Bridgett’s mother, Fannie, became a single parent to 5 children she needed to physically take care of her children and earn a living. She started her own neighborhood numbers business and was able to purchase a house and provide well for her children. As Bridgett Davis states in her interview with Ms. Gross the primary risks associated with this business were:

Being arrested since it was illegal to be numbers runner.
Having to pay out more money than one could afford.

As Ms. Davis also points out there were not , at that time, many good paying jobs in Detroit for an African American women. She chose a profession which, although illegal was, in fact, moral. People enjoyed playing the game, sometimes winning, visiting with each other on the phone or in person, and it was a job which not only provided for her children but allowed her to work from home and take care of the children.

The terms legal and moral are frequently used as if they have the same meeting. Yet, many will agree that it was moral for the civil rights workers in this country, the early underground railroad participants, those who’s helped to protect those being systematically rounded up and killed in Nazi Germany and those oppressed by despotic groups or rulers in any country to violate the law.

In the examples I have just listed the line between moral and legal is very clear. . I love the example of Fannie Davis. Other examples might not be that clear. Some actions might be both illegal and immoral. Others might be immoral but clearly legal.   In Richard Wright’s novel Native Son, the actions of Bigger Thomas in attempting to stand up for himself is very moral. The fact that he accidentally killed a young girl and then disposed of the body may have been the most moral decision he could have made at that time in history. Clearly disposing of a body = even one whose death was accidental –was illegal . Yet, standing up for himself in a racist society which was unlikely to believe or forgive an African American man for a tragic accident was the most moral action available to him.

It is easy to judge another person if one has not walked in his or her shoes. I am often reminded of the concept of iatrogenic which refers to the illness or conditions caused by a treatment. Adverse side effects of medications are the most common example.   The term is also appropriate as an explanation for the behavior caused by mistreatment or systematic oppression of an individual or a group of people.   While one has to be careful so as to not help to engender a victim mentality one cannot discount the factors helping to shape a person or group of people. Bigger Thomas was determined to not be a silent victim of a racism system. Rosa Park, Martin Luther King. Jr., Frederick Douglas and a host of others managed to find a way to be voices for justice in spite of oppression sanctioned by the larger society. Fannie Davis, a numbers runner, found a way to support her family despite a system designed to keep her and her children de facto slaves.

These are the seemingly opposing messages many of us must give our children:

            Poverty affects all aspects of one’s heath and make it nearly impossible to succeed.
            Poverty plus racism creates more gigantic hurdles.
            Poverty plus racism plus sexism creates mountains covered in ice.
            Poverty plus racism plus sexism plus homophobia covers the mountain in -50 degrees F temperatures.

            We can find creative ways to affirm and help each other not be a victim of oppression.
            We can make our voices heard and we can make them count.
            We can refuse to hate ourselves or others.
            We can overcome.

Jimmy F Pickett
February 12, 2019
Coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - February 10, 2019

2/10/2019

Sunday Musings – February 10, 2019

It has been a relatively quiet week in this little corner of the world. At least on the surface or compared to the public noise in Venezuela, Afghanistan, Yemen, Iran and suchj places as Washington, DC and Virginia in the United States. Life continued to also show up here; just not in the noisy manner that it is in other places. Everywhere it is evident that many of us expect those we assign or elect to leadership positions to do the equivalent of a public 12-step program 4th step and an expanded 5th step. Many readers may recall that these steps are:

            4th step – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
            5th Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Actually, our expectations are even more expansive. The 12-step program recognized that as one continues to grow emotionally and spiritually one will remember more and one will become aware that some behavior which one did not consider immoral or hurtful was in fact very hurtful and inconsistent with one’s spiritual/moral beliefs.   Yet we want our leaders or those to whom we look for guidance and mentorship to be “all knowing” and to admit all these “wrongs” to the god of their understanding and the entire world.     If one fails in these expansive goals which, of course, one will, one can expect judgment, outrage, and cries of deceit, and accusations of violations of trust.   We the public then shame, vilify, and assign them, to the public stocks for 15 minutes before banishing them to the desert of the other – a land without love.

Even in the 12-step program one may initially go through the motions of a moral inventory because one is truly unable to understand why some behavior was hurtful or wrong.   One may think at early stages of growth that one must pay lip service to “recovery or political correctness” while planning on continuing a behavior. Eventually, if one continues to grow, one may have many eureka moments.

While waiting for someone to have an Eureka moment many other 12-step members will continue to love and support the older teenagers who just does not get it. Yet! Much like healthy parents they may attempt to mitigate the extent of the harm by these undeveloped brains.

Once again, I will state that I believe:

Racism in all its “faces” and forms is immoral and must be named and no longer tolerated.
Sexism, sexual assault, and other forms of oppression must be named and stopped.
Use of power at any level to harm others is wrong.

At the same time, I know that just as the 12-step program has a clear and unequivocal goal of healing must we, in all areas of public and private life, have healing as our goal. While creating a place where it is safe to continue to do a 4th and 5th step and to go further and make amends when possible while resolving to not repeat hurtful behavior, we must look clearly into the mirror and commit to healing.

Written February 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

"Our resources to help our people"

2/9/2019

“Our resources to help our people”

In response to a blog I posted regarding my belief it is important to have an expansive view of neighbor a friend of mine wrote “our resources to help our people”. I know that the man who wrote this is a very kind man and, yet, he and I often have different views of who to consider a neighbor and whether there should.be perquisites for helping said neighbor.

A freshman Congress woman has introduced legislation which is now being called “A green New Deal” the essence of which is proposing a plan to switch to 100% renewal energy in 10 years. The plan is being challenged on the basis of not being practicable, too expensive, anti-coal and possibly part of a socialist plan. I have not seen or read the full text of the plan. It is alleged that the plan advocates job guarantees for those who lose their jobs due to the Green New Deal. It is also alleged that those who are advocates for this plan also see a future guaranteed minimum income and universal health care. In other words, many see this plan as a way to promote a socialist agenda.

It is no secret that when many hear the words socialist or socialism they think of the repressive policies under the Soviet Communist. It is not surprising that us humans who have a long history of attempting to feel better about our worth at the expense of others are fearful of giving more power to any form of government. Yet, the sad truth is that us humans are creative enough to use any system to justify treating a small percentage of people as more worthwhile or more deserving of both luxuries and essentials. We often seem to believe:

The 1% who currently have a very large percentage of the wealth in these United States are either deserving of that wealth or are a necessary outcome of the capitalist system.
The benefits which members of the U.S. Congress give to themselves are a necessary part of the Capitalism system.
For the most part those who are deserving do well under the current system until they don’t.
Most of us are immune from mental illness or other disease which affect the emotional and mental energy to be able to participate and benefit from the current system.
A benevolent God or Gods rewards those who work hard and obey the rules – except when he/they do not.
We in the United States are a chosen people – more deserving or have worked harder or…
If you help those who have not worked for what they get they will just become lazy and a burden to the community.

Readers of this blog could add to this list.

What if none of the above are 100% true? What if there is little or no scientific evidence for the above assumptions? What is all or some of the following are true:

The better we treat ourselves and each other the more we are motivated to work hard.
Treating others better (the essentials such as food, love, housing, health care) is not a matter of giving them more toys or other luxuries but more dignity and love.
All people are the chosen people meaning there is no chosen people.
Elders need to model the behavior we want to see in our young people
We are all worthwhile. No has to earn their worth.
Humans are humans - not all of us have a well-functioning brain and, thus, no all able to contribute at same level.
We can all have diseases which affect the functioning of the brain
Members of Congress should get the same benefits as everyone else – no more and no less.
When individuals are given a guaranteed income most work harder and not less.
God has a hands-off policy in terms of us earthlings – he/she/it does not withhold or reward depending on worth.

I suspect that we would all function better if we question the so-called truths we have been told thus opening ourselves to learning and possibly making neighbors a more inclusive concept.

Written February 8, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

Neighbors

2/7/2019

Neighbors

Daily I feel challenged to either keep silent which seems immoral or struggle to respond in a loving way to representatives of the government of these United States who, if news reports are to be believed, label those who are fleeing poverty and violence in some of our sister countries – also American countries – as “aliens” and “members of the “lawless caravan”.

I read the following:

“Approximately, 2000 aliens have arrived in Northern Mexico as part of a ‘caravan’ seeking to cross the border into Texas. Illegal entry will not be tolerated and we stand ready to prevent it,’ DHS Secretary Kristen Nielsen wrote in a statement.
“DHS will take all steps to ensure the safety and security of law enforcement personnel on the front lines,” she added.’ (From Associated Press article alleged to have been written by Morgan Gstalter entitled “Migrant caravan arrives at town on Texas border (-2/05/19 04:05 pm EST. The accompanying photo shows young children with adult men and women. The articles also asserted an estimated 46 unaccompanied youths between the ages of 15 and 17 were in the caravan. )

Often it seems such stories are labeled as fake news especially those stories asserting that there are American neighbors fleeing violence and poverty – not criminals or aliens – those neighbors the God of my understanding – tells me to feed, clothe and house.

Can we take in all the poor and all those threatened by violence? No. Have we reached the limit of our resources? Is taking in refugees going to solve the problems of violence and poverty which have multiple causes? Can we erase a history in which the people of these United States have played a role? Can we erase the changes in climates which causing some of the crop shortages?

There are obviously no easy or simple answers. I am not, however, convinced that we have reached the end of resources for helping neighbors. Neither am I convinced a new arms race, a border wall or more tax breaks for the very wealthy is money better spent than helping our neighbors.

What I do know is I am called to love my neighbor and not to label them in a way which masks the fact that they are mothers, fathers, children of mothers and fathers who are no different than my biological son or other relatives, friends, or other neighbors.

I must remind myself that Secretary Nielsen is also my neighbor. I am called to love her. If she appears at my door with a dozen family members, I must welcome them in and set a place for them at my table. At the same time, if given the opportunity, I would vote to have a DHS secretary who is able to embrace the needs of neighbors instead of dehumanizing them so as to justify mistreatment.

Written February 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett,org

Rolling Along

2/5/2019

Rolling Along

The assignment for the writing circle for April was Bike Tales.   The alternative was to write about wheels.

I was well into my adult years when I bought my first bicycle. I may have had a tricycle as a very young child living in Chicago, but by the time I was five I was living in rural Oklahoma.   In rural Oklahoma, the primary mode of transportation was one’s feet augmented at times by the horse or on rare occasions dad’s car which was primarily reserved for his work.   Mother, as was true for many women at that time, would not teach herself to drive until after the death of our father. She was, I think, 45 and still had my youngest sibling at home. Off she went in whatever car dad had when he died. Later she would purchase a series of used cars.   When she got unable to safely drive at age 94 she accused my siblings of stealing her car. It was symbolic of her independence.

My first wheels, other than the tractor at my uncle farm, was a 1950 Chrysler which truly had been cared for and sparingly driven by a little old lady. The rule for all of us children was that we could have a car as soon as we were able to pay for it, buy insurance and maintain it. That Chrysler which weighed in at 4250 pounds was built to last until it rusted out. Plastic car bodies were far off into the future. I was to be introduced to the weight of the significantly sized hood when, in my youthful eagerness to get moving I failed to tightly close the hood. Later that evening showing of to my buddy Fran how the car could conquer the hills of Oklahoma at 70 miles per hour the hood suddenly decided it was feeling lonely and wanted to impress the cute windshield with its brutal strength in true cowboy fashion. Needless to say, the cute windshield was not impressed when this full-bodied attack pinned the hood to her and caused her to shatter. Luckily there were no other cars or drop-dead cliffs to silently intone the last rites. The trip back to my house was humbling for both the hood and myself. Not long after that I was in the military and my dad sent the car on its way; perhaps the graveyard for cars.

Wheels would in later years transport me across the country, through the traffic of Washington, DC or under the body of a rather large truck in New York City. When we moved to a remote village in Alaska we sold our little New York accident salvaged VW.   Returning to the lower 48 in the midst of an icy Indiana winter I, being the bright, educated man I was, decided I that at age 35 I should rely on my first used Schwinn, two-wheel bicycle which I knew, fresh from my Alaska experience, would allow me to glide around the icy corners as I made my way to various work locations. I held off establishing a new relationship with a car until February or March, but I was never again without the joy of owning and riding a bicycle. It is still my preferred mode of transportation, but not around icy corners.

553 words
February 5, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

Honesty

2/4/2019

Honesty

One of the aspects of the 12-step program that I most appreciate is the focus on honesty without having to feel as if one is worst or different than anyone else. The program provides an expectation or opportunity to be accountable for all the ways one hurts oneself and others as well as the expectations and opportunity to makes amends to self and others
“except when to do so would injure them or others”.

When a person first begins to travel the road to recovery they may notice that they are angry and tend to blame others for not being the people one expected or demanded they be.   As one continues in recovery one uncovers the role that one played in the events of one’s life.

Anyone who embarks on a program of spiritual growth will find not only they change but their expectations of others also change. One may, for example, discover that other people and institutions did not live up to one’s expectations. One may discover that one had deluded oneself into thinking that some person or institution was going to be who one had created in one’s mind.   One may have deliberately deceived oneself or one may have been hopelessly naïve.

We all “know” that humans are imperfect by definitions. Humans make decisions based on a number of factors including past experience and emotions. One often sees what one expects to see or hears what one expected to hear.

Institutions are also created and run by humans and, thus, are also imperfect.   No matter what the original purpose of an institutions the purpose is likely to quickly morph into one of preserving the institution.

Perhaps few of us are “shocked” when a profit-making corporation acts as a profit-making institution. As such the leaders of the corporation may focus on short, medium long rang goals. If focused on short range goals it is likely that making money is their primary objective no matter who is adversely affected long term. If focused on long range goals it is likely the preservation of the corporation is their primary objective.

Perhaps the institutions which most often fail to live up to our expectations are religious institutions. We often convince ourselves that they will be live up to some spiritual or philosophical ideal. While they may or may not at times live up to that ideal eventually they are going to fall short.   They cannot both have a primary focus of living up to a religious or philosophical ideal and of preserving the institution. If one expects them to do both, one is going to be very disappointed. “How dare they?” one might think. Yet, they are simply obeying the “rules” of human institutions. It is one’s expectation that is the problem.

Often it is difficult for us to give up our righteous anger because the person or the institution is not who we decided they were or should be. That level of honesty is often initially painful. Long term it can free one to move on to one’s life. It is not up to one to make the person or the institution be honest about their goal or nature.

Any time one can take back one’s power “simply:” by being more honest is very powerful.   One is then free to focus on being the person of whom one can be proud without the added pressure of attempting to change other people, places and things.

Written February 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - February 3, 2019

2/3/2019

Sunday Musings – February 3, 2019

This week, in parts of the United States, the extreme weather forced the attention of many to basic survival issues. Despite the generous actions of many individuals and communities a number of people died as a direct or indirect result of the bitter artic cold.   Just as quickly as the artic blast arrived, the warmer temperatures swooped in resulting in burst pipes and a lot of water with no place to go.

First responders, road crew members and all those who keep medical facilities running, electricity, gas and water flowing to our homes and businesses and those saints responsible for feeding and housing the homeless and what are now euphuistically called the food and housing challenged, continued to show up and take care of many.   Locally, in addition to some house fires, a business suffered acute damage from a fire indirectly related to the cold temperatures.   This is a business which is not only nationally known for its products but is locally known for the commitment of its owners to offer second and sometimes third chances to many attempting to reclaim their lives. After courageous and committed fire fighters did their job, individuals and businesses in the community quickly offered help. Once again, many of us were reminded that we are a community.

We live in a time when it often seems as if we are determined to label each other as “the undeserving other” and, yet, if we pay close attention it is obvious that we have not forgotten how to be neighbors. In many places in the United States neighbors forgot about often separating differences and rallied to rescue, feed, house, and clothe neighbors.

There was little evidence that this neighborly dance infected political leaders here and other countries, but these leaders are the very same humans who are neighbors. Sometimes, they too may forget to wear their protective shields and emerge as the neighbors which is the essence of all of us.

Last evening, I was again reminded of how we redeem ourselves and each other as I watched a new production of The Tempest at the Public Theater in Pittsburgh. Redemption is indeed at the heart of what will heal us.

Written February 3, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.or

Not an island

2/1/2019

Not an island!

As a counselor with a background in clinical psychology I am daily reminded no matter how so called educated us humans many of our decisions are based on factors other than what our scientific or logical brain may tell us. I “should” have realized that others in the field of psychology have made this a focus of their study. Yet, just this morning while listening to the conversation between the host of On Being, Krista Tippett and her guest, psychologist Daniel Kahneman, I was reminded of this truth. Dr.Kahneman is the author of the book Thinking Fast and Slow and won the Nobel Prize in economics for helping to create the field of behavioral economics.

Behavioral economists study the effects of “psychological, cognitive, emotional, cultural and social factors on the economic decisions of individuals and institutions ….The three prevalent themes in behavioral economics are:

Heuristics – Humans make 95% of their decision using mental shortcuts or rules of thumb.
Framing. The collection of anecdotes and stereotypes that make up the mental fibers individuals rely on to understand and respond to events.
Market inefficiencies: These include mis-pricing and non-rational decision making.” (Wikipedia)

I am eager to learn more about what Dr. Kahnem, Dr. Robert Shiller and others have to say on the subject. The topic of his blog is not, however, behavioral economics. The topic is “Not an island”. One would have reasonably thought that I would have assumed that:

Many others individuals have noted the disparity between basic classical economic theories and how most of us humans make economic decisions.
Many social scientists, including psychologists, would attempt to systematically study economic decision making and its effect on economic theory.

Yet I did not make these assumptions. I continued to challenge myself and others to observe and think about how otherwise sane, intelligent humans make economic decisions. Just last Sunday I had such a discussion with a good friend who is a physicist. I could have easily have looked up economic decision making. (I just did and got many hits.)

Once again, I am reminded that I am not unique or alone. If I see or am curious about some subject there is more than likely a number of others who have made the same observation or have the same curiosity. The more I connect with others the more likely we humans will better understand and possibly even, at times change our behavior in a direction which benefits all of us. We are, after all, intimately interconnected an interdependent. Every decision each of us makes affects many other individuals and many segments of the community.

Written February 1, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org