Blog Archives - Therapy or life coaching

My true love

7/9/2018

My true love
(Thinking of my sister Bonnie as she bids adieu to
her true love today.)

Please don’t tell me “It will be okay.”
or “It gets easier or less painful with time.

Please don’t tell me not
to weep or gnash my teeth.

Don’t hover.

Don’t tell me not to be angry

or to quit cursing the gods.

I know even now I can laugh at a memory.

Appreciate the kind support.

But it will never be okay and nothing will ever fill the hole.

that is left when one’s true and only love has left, been taken, died or ….

Yes, life will go on and there will be laughter and even joy.

I will, in time, clean out the closets.

Do all the required paperwork.

Perhaps buy a new couch.

Get a more practical car.

Rearrange the furniture.

Even buy a new mattress.

Vote.

Enjoy the generations of children which will remind me

that the two of us – he and I – are responsible for this

collection of souls.

It is all wonderful and good and a blessing and, yet,

It is not okay.
Will not be okay.

But then, it is okay that it is not okay.

Humans are a strange bunch.

We do seem to analyze, dissect, examine,
justify, discount and otherwise
complicate what the simplest of other creatures do so naturally.

Well, perhaps that is not true either.

Animals do die of broken hearts. Do they die asking why?

The ancestors – including dear friends – march before my eyes.

The new babies reach out their arms.

Come play. Let explore.

Written July 9,2018

Sunday Musings - July 8, 2018

7/8/2018

Sunday Musings – July 8, 2018

In many respects, it was a very routine week in my tiny corner of the world. I saw and talked to friends, met with clients, wrote, and began to plan for an upcoming trip to Seattle where I will join my son and his girlfriend for a brief visit.   The week was intersected by the day set aside in the United States to celebrate Independence Day; a day of mixed emotions for many of us who are both thankful to be gifted with being citizens of these United States and profoundly sad that, in so many respects, we, as a country, have barely begun to come to terms with the ongoing myth that “all men are created equal” is a reality if one just works hard enough and obeys all the social mores. It is certainly true that as a male who is assumed to be mostly Caucasian I have enjoyed many privileges. It is even true that as gay male I am increasingly afforded the privileges which have historically only been given to heterosexual, Caucasian males.   Yet, there is today a very active group of individuals who would reinstitute some of the old restrictions.

July 4th is, for me, and, I am sure, many others a time to take personal inventory of how I contribute or fail to contribute to making “all men (and women) are created equal” more than a nice sounding costume to wear in public.   When I want to do a more thorough personal inventory I start with cleaning my house. How well I do this becomes a metaphor for how honest I am with an emotional and spiritual inventory.   By the evening of Independence Day, I was ready to join many members of the community for a performance of the Wheeling Symphony Orchestra on the banks of the Ohio river.

I woke Thursday morning a little more present and with a renewed commitment to be a healing presence; hopefully a little more able to love unconditionally and, thus, more honest about how self-serving my thoughts and behavior often are.

It was not long before I received a call from my sister Pat that our brother-in-law, the husband of our sister Bonnie for 61 years and seven months, had died. He had been increasingly limited in what he could do. In fact, he recently came home from the hospital under the care of his loving wife, my sister, and the staff of hospice.   He was able to join in the celebration of his wife’s 80th birthday recently, although it was clear that all activity wore him out. He, Bonnie, our sister Pat and I had all enjoyed a visit with our brother Ed and his wife Flo in mid-May.   Bonnie had remarked that it might be the last time Carl could make the trip. Still, after 61 years and seven months of marriage it was difficult to imagine that they would one day face the end. In fact, all of us, including our sister Tamara who was not with us for that last gathering knew that as we all approach our eighties that it is not likely that we would live forever. I suppose that I have always hoped that I would be the first to die so that I did not have to say goodbye. Yet, that was not to be.

My sister and Carl have taken good care of each other for all these years. Recently it appeared that Bonnie was more of the caretaker, but in truth, Carl was still also her rock.

So today, I am in Tulsa and will soon head out to Bonnie’s house and for the first time find it missing the rock. In many ways, he was a rock to many in the family including our mother. When no one else could bring a smile or a sense of peace to our mother Carl could.

In the end, we are always reminded that we only have today to love as best we can; to do our part in getting a little closer to crafting a world in which “all men (and women) are created equal” a bit closer to reality.    Thanks to Carl for his loving presence in our family and for the example of love which the marriage of he and Bonnie demonstrated.   I am not, by any means, suggesting that either any of them are ready for sainthood. To suggest that would be to deny that life, even in a loving relationship, is tough at times. Still, some seem to keep it simpler than others.

Written July 7, 2018

Keep it simple stupid

7/7/2018

Keep it simple stupid

Keep it simple stupid is a recommendation often heard in the rooms of various 12 step program meetings. It seems many of us humans have a tendency to out think our way into a destructive mindset. Whether the self-destruction is sabotaging one’s own spiritual growth directly or forgetting that what we do or do not do has a systemic affect neglecting to “keep it simple stupid” has grave consequences.

Earlier today I was listening to a Ted talk by a prosecutor in Boston. Adam Foss is the prosecutor and his Ted Talk is entitled “A prosecutor’s vision for a better justice system”. I strongly urge all those interested in spending less tax money on a system which is both self-defeating and self-perpetuating listen to his talk. Very simply, he reminds the listener that:

Prosecutors have an enormous amount of power. They decide who will be charged with a criminal offense and, thus, who will be forever known as a convicted criminal/person with a criminal record. Whether looking for a job, applying for a security clearance, or filling one of the many vacancies as an Air Force Pilot, he or she will be rejected.

Many of those who come before the attention of the prosecutor are mentally ill, have an addictive disorder or have had a case of non-terminal dumbness. Prosecution, incarceration, and the ensuing loss of tax paying productive time is hugely expensive.

The judicial system often unfairly targets those without money, family support/other mentors, or access to quality treatment.

Neither he or nor I are suggesting that we are at a point in our understanding of the functioning of the brain that we know how to help those who may indeed be career criminals and/or those who are incapable of considering the rights and needs of others. Yet I would and have argued that no one in the community is better off when the goal is punishment. The only positive affect of punishment is the short-term gratification to those doing or advocating the punishment. On the other hand, teaching accountability can work for many.

Neither Mr. Foss nor I are suggesting that there is always a simple answer. Yet he is suggesting that simply taking the time to look further than the actual “facts” of the alleged crime and getting to know the person could potentially save a lot of lives and a lot of money.

It is my experience that many of the individuals who are adjudicated to be criminals and sent to jail are men and women whose major crime was mental illness, addiction or some other treatable condition. Their crime may have been theft, assault, domestic violence or even murder/homicide but the identifiable problem or diagnosis is not the crime, but the condition which led to the crime.

Taking the interest and the time to correctly diagnose any problem always pays off big time. As any carpenter, engineer, architect, mechanic or physician knows it may take more time to do a thorough assessment and diagnosis but doing so is always helpful and cost effective long term. Any professional knows that this is a simple, step by step process. It may, at times, be tedious, but it is very simple.

Mr. Foss might or might not appreciate me suggesting that the essence of his recommendation for a better/more effective judicial system is to “keep it simple stupid”.

Written July 7, 2018
coachpickett.org
Jimmy F. Pickett LPC, AADC

Between the Notes

7/6/2018

Between the Notes

The July 5, 2018 podcast of On Being features a conversation between the host Krista Tippett and the world-famous cellist Yo Yo Ma entitled “Music Happens Between the Notes”.   I strongly urge the reader to listen to this conversation and enjoy learning a bit more about the depth of commitment of Yo Yo Ma to music, to revealing his vulnerability, to risk being with the audience and, if playing with an orchestra, with the members of the orchestra.

The fact that the award of which Mr. Ma is most proud is the 2014 Fred Rogers Legacy award says a lot about who the man is that has this relationship with the music he plays and with the audience. He says that “The greater purpose is that we’re communing together and we want this moment to be really special for all of us. Because otherwise, why bother to have come at all? It’s not about proving anything. It’s about sharing something.”

This conversation, once again, reminds me of what I have so often written about negative space; that space between the notes; that part of the painting which has not been painted; the silence between words; the space between the notes which determine what of oneself one brings to the note(s).

Mr. Ma used the example of Julia Childs dropping the chicken on the floor during a cooking show on television and saying, “Oh, the chicken’s fallen on the floor. Yes. Oh, well pick it and put it right back.”   Julia Childs allowed people to feel comfortable stumbling their way into and through French Cooking. It was not only her talent as chef but her relationship with the process; her willingness to have fun and make mistakes that allowed many other home and professional chefs to create a French cooking and eating experience.   Mr. Ma does that with his music.

In this conversation with Ms. Tippett he reveals what others I know have said about him: He is real, kind and present; a man who lives as he plays. His lack of ego along with his passion and willingness to work at his craft allows him to create an experience with his instrument which he intimately shares with his audience and the members of the orchestra.

What I do between counseling sessions; what I do when not actively parenting; what do as a friend between time spent together; what I do when I am not writing this blog determine what I bring to each moment with others.

What I do when no one is watching or listening determines the quality of my dance of life.

As Yo Yo Ma so clearly and simply states “Music happens between the notes.”.    No matter what the task, what I do between the notes determines whether I play on key or off key. If I do play off key I have to be willing to “…pick it up and put it right back.”

Written July 6, 2018

Systemic issues - systemic solutions

7/5/2018

Systemic Issues – systemic solutions

In the United States, over the past decade or two there has increasing pressure to creates smoke free public facilities.   Increasingly, in some states, this has included public housing faculties. As of July 30, 2018, it will include all public HUD/public housing units.   It is my understanding that the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) will not ban electronic cigarettes although some states may do so.

Samhsa (United Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration) and CDC (Centers for Disease Control) have long advocated for such restrictions. If indeed individuals quit smoking as a result of these new rules there would be consequent savings in health care and in building maintenance.

On the surface, the ban would seem to be advantageous for all those who smoke, all those who are exposed to second hand smoke and all those who are responsible for the maintenance of the HUD facilities.   Long gone are the days when even health care professionals believed or pretended as if the use of nicotine in any form was safe to the user and the person exposed to second hand smoke.

Yet, I have some grave concerns about the new policy. First, a reminder of who lives in public housing:

Those on disability because of a mental illness or a physical disability whose disability check is low enough for them to qualify for assistance.
Those with a substance abuse disorder who are unable to afford other housing.
Those with young children who are unable, for a variety of reasons, to afford other housing.
Senior citizens who may or may not have a mental illness or an addictive disorder.

According to the CDC “25 % of adults in the United States have some form of mental illness or substance use disorder, and these adults consume 40% of all cigarettes smoked by adults. Samhsa reports the same figures.

The new rules allow some latitude in terms of the consequences of being caught smoking in HUD facilities. Some will first issue warning letters. Some will even refer individuals for smoking cessation programs. or substance abuse cessation programs. All will eventually evict a person if the behavior continues. It is my understanding that once evicted from public housing it can be very difficult to ever get approved again.

Sadly, we know that nicotine addiction is one of the toughest addictions to treat. Many of those addicted cannot use Chantix or other medication assisted approaches because of co-occurring disorders. One cannot risk increasing symptoms such as depression or anxiety.

I have a number of questions:

What happens to those who are unable to stop smoking in the HUD facilities and get evicted? Where do they live?
How many of them would become homeless?
How much assistance would be provided for those with co-occurring disorders such as other addictions or acute mental illness?
How many available beds in treatment facilities which accept Medicaid?
How many mental health or substance abuse treatment centers are prepared to treat nicotine addiction.

As a health care professional and as an individual who has not used any tobacco products for many years, I do not want to be exposed to second hand smoke. I am very grateful that most hotels and other public facilities which I visit are smoke free.

As a human and a community member I emphasized with those who struggle with any sort of addictive disorder. I know that I could be the one struggling with an additive disorder.

As a community members who believes we are meant to take care of each other I feel responsible for my neighbors. Most of us, given the right set of circumstances could easily become homeless.

Once homeless, how does one take care of oneself? How is the rest of the community affected? What are the direct and indirect costs of homelessness?

The goals of reducing the use of nicotine, exposure to second hand smoke, the maintenance cost of HUD buildings are very laudable. It may be that some individuals who are already motivated to become non-tobacco users will use the new rules as additional motivation to quit the use of tobacco. I am fearful that many will not be able to do so.

Once again, instituting a policy without planning for the potential long-term consequences is not, I believe, a realistic approach to what most of us agree is a serious issue. Attempting to problem solve without viewing a problem as a systemic one, never works well long term.

Let’s do, as a community, put on our creative hats and together problem solve looking at all potential solutions and all potential consequences of said solutions.

Written July 5, 2018

Freedom to or Freedom from

7/4/2018

Freedom to or Freedom from

I recall, when reading and studying the works of philosophers and others who challenged themselves to consider the concept of freedom that they questioned whether one was concerned about freedom from or freedom to.

When a group of males drafted the document which came to be known as United Stated Declaration of Independence, they probably had little idea that “all men” would come to mean all men and women of all colors, cultures (including Native Americans) sexual orientations, ages and other socially constructed differences often used to exclude them from “All men” who “are created equal ...” who “are endowed, by their Creator, with certain, unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

While declaring freedom from the seemingly arbitrary laws and rules of another government they declared the freedom to claim certain rights.

As I sit here today I am acutely aware that I have the freedom to claim that:

“all men” can and does include all men, women, and children regardless of color, religion, age, sexual orientation, abilities/limitations, language, gender, illnesses, past mistakes which many have resulted in certain criminal charges, or country of birth.
“all men” can and does include those who stand up for those fleeing poverty and all other forms of violence.
“all men” can and does include those in all political parties.

When I think of “unalienable Rights, that among there “are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”, I think of those who may label themselves as my enemies, and those with whom I passionately disagree; those who may be exercising power which violates my beliefs of how we should interpret and apply the words of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

If I truly belief in “all men” I must learn to treat others, including those would deny me and others our “unalienable Rights” with loving respect.

I have the freedom, no matter what anyone else does, to live by a code of conduct which honors what I think of as the sacredness of “all men”, mother earth and, in fact, this and other universes. I have the freedom to be an actor of love and peace and not a reactor to hate or negativity. Today I will do my very best to exercise my freedom in these United States of America (not America but United States of America) to act in a way which honors values with which I can comfortably live – love, respect, equal access to health care, food, housing, education and all those services which allow one to enjoy “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

Today I choose to believe we as the United States of America can be a leader in greatness which begins with such a code of conduct. Those in the 12-step program of recovery are often reminded of the HOW of the program – Honestly, Open Mindedness, and Willingness. Perhaps, as The United States of America we can humble ourselves to practice the HOW.

Written July 4, 2018

The trap of attachment

7/3/2018

The trap of attachment

I often talk with those who are convinced that they can only have a good/satisfying or happy life if so and so remains in their life or if they are able to hold on to a job, a professional license or something else.
They become attached to the belief that the quality of their life depends on having or keeping that to which they have attached themselves.   It is not the thing or person itself, but the belief system which keeps them trapped.   The most common example of this is the attachment to a partner. Often those with whom I come into contact, will be convinced that the only way to have a decent life is to keep a particular partner. Ironically, they may or may not even like or respect that partner. It may be that the actual attachment is to the belief that having that partner is preferable to living alone even if life with that partner who was not emotionally present is or has been very lonely. If I suggest that they allow for the possibility that they can have a good life, even if single, they often tell me that obviously I do not understand.

It is easy to become attached to a particular job, profession, physical ability, a certain level of income, a health status, a house, or almost anything. Some of us parents can easily become attached to the belief that we are supposed to outlive our children.    All too often this is not the case. It can feel nearly impossible to imagine or visualize a satisfying life knowing our child or children are gone for good.

As long as the issue is defined or posited as the loss of that person, relationship, job, professional license or something else one cannot move on.   We all know, all too well, that we cannot control other people, places or things. One can, however, reframe or redefine the issue as one’s attachment to that particular belief.   As soon as one allows for the possibility that one could have a good life even without that particular person, possession, profession, job or whatever the attachment in one’s life, one has taken a huge first step towards claiming a good life for oneself. One may still need to grieve the loss of that particular attachment, but one has opened a window, however tiny, to the vision of a satisfying life without that to which one was attached.   In some cases, such as the death of a child, the grief process never ends, but one can allow positive experiences to sit alongside of the grief. For most of us it is not the absence of grief that allow us to embrace life, but the absence of positives.

Every business owner, builder, handy person, or artist knows that correctly identifying a problem is important. If one continues to blame other persons, places, things and events for one’s existential angst than one will stay miserable. If one is willing to identify the problem as one’s attachment to a belief system there can be meaningful change. I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick process but it is moving in a positive direction. As is always true, step by step one can change one’s thought process and, thus, move in a more positive direction.

Written July 3, 2018

The blame game - an easier, softer way

7/2/2018

The blame game – an easier, softer way

An NPR Morning Edition report on July 2 by Bobby Allyn stated that in Pennsylvania last year 205 individuals, often themselves addicted, are being charged with third degree murder when co-user died from a drug overdose. The charge is a third-degree felony carrying a maximum sentence in Pennsylvania of 20-40 years in prison.

A May 25, 2018 articles by Rosa Goldensohn in the New York Times entitled “They Shared Drugs. Someone Dies. Does That Make Them Killers?” reports that in West Virginia, Florida and Minnesota similar charges have been brought against individuals.

Drunk driving which results in a death often results in a charge of vehicle homicide. The charge and the resulting prison or jail time varies according to the state, the prosecutor and the judge.

It seems that all too often us humans think we will feel better - and perhaps we temporarily do feel better - if we have a person or even a company who we can point at and punish. This process may be labels as justice.

It seems as if:

We cannot decide if addiction is indeed a disease which affects how the brain functions.
We want those whose brain is not working well to make logical, moral decisions.
We want to believe that punishment will scare other addicts into being non- addicts.
We would rather spend in excess of $31,000 a year times X to imprison someone rather than spend an equivalent amount on treatment.

It also seems as if:

There are a number of ambitious prosecutors, attorneys and others who profit off the current system of blame.
The jail/prison industrial complex is big business with powerful political influence.
All too often many religious groups or institutions have directly or indirectly co-signed the blame and punishment approach to dealing with illness – mental illness including addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food and other substances/behavior.

It is ironic that one of the primary characteristics of addiction is an attachment to immediate gratification and, yet, all too often the community response is based on the need for immediate gratification which assuages the desire to pretend as if one is solving a very complicated problem rather than treating a serious, chronic illness.

It is true:

The disease of addiction has reach epidemic proportions.
The direct and indirect emotional, financial and medical cost of addiction is enormous.
Success rates for this chronic illness are very low.
Medication assisted treatment in conjunction with programs to help individual change their thinking process may help many more individuals.
We may need to explore some changes in the law which make it easier to commit individuals for the disease of addiction to long term treatment.
We live in a culture in the United States which promotes and lauds addiction/attachment to things, power, position, and money while criminalizing addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, and other substances.

We may or may not want to pose the question: “Do we, as a society, need the more obvious and often deadly addiction to alcohol and other drugs, sex, and food to mirror the “socially accepted” addictions? Will all attempt to deal with addiction such as opioid addiction fails until we pay attention to the mirror? Are we, as a society, in the midst of a spiritual crisis in which we attempt to find worth or meaning in something outside of ourselves?

Much to ponder!

Written July 2, 2018

Sunday Musings July 1, 2018

7/1/2018

Sunday Musings, July 1, 2018
Pray for mercy

This morning I was listening again to the June 18, 2018 podcast of On Being which is a conversation between the host Krista Tippett, Rami Nashashibi and Lucas Johnson entitled “Getting Proximate to Pain, and Holding to the Power of Love”.

Mr. Nashashibi said something which had stayed in my heart and mind as we begin this new month of distress and unrest in much of the world including the United States.   He said that in his religion “we’re taught you never pray for justice, because as much as want justice, you pray for mercy. In other words, you never pray for God to be just with you, because you recognize that we all got issues. All of our communities have issues, and, when you start disentangling the layers of oppression that we begin to find that we are oppressors of one another. We are oppressors of ourselves.”

Grace is unconditional love. Grace is the recognition that although we have been hurtful to ourselves and others – that we can we very loving and we can be very hurtful – we are worthy of unconditional love. Mercy says that we are the oppressors of ourselves and others and, thus, we pray for (whatever our higher power) mercy to be equally distributed.

I have lived with myself, worked with those in prison, the homeless, the esteem leaders of the community and all of us have been hurt and hurtful.   As Jim Cone who recently ended this life journey, said, we learn to be our own oppressors. Oppressed people oppressed themselves and others. If one wants to stop the cycle we have to first forgive and love ourselves and then see ourselves and our oppression in others.

As we in the United States begin the month of July and quickly move towards July 4th, the day set aside to celebration Independence Day, we need to recognize that this country as the United States was born of wounded people who wounded others who wounded others. If we pray for mercy we pray for mercy for all of us in our family, our community, and our world.    We pray for mercy for those who are gathering to stand for those fleeing physical and economic violence and who are attempting to find a safe place for themselves and their children; for those who are thinking that money, power or something else outside of oneself will bring more than a moment of happiness; for those who are so wounded that they use their power to hurt others; for all of us who have been wounded and have learned to wound ourselves and others we join Mr. Nashashibi and all his brothers and sisters; we join the Christians, the Jews, the Muslims, the Hindus, the non-believers and all others to pray for Mercy. As we accept the gift of mercy we can move on to problem solving without hate or judgement.

I am not suggesting that there are easy answers but I am suggesting that we begin with mercy which is possible because of grace.

Written July 1, 2018