The trap of attachment
I often talk with those who are convinced that they can only have a good/satisfying or happy life if so and so remains in their life or if they are able to hold on to a job, a professional license or something else.
They become attached to the belief that the quality of their life depends on having or keeping that to which they have attached themselves. It is not the thing or person itself, but the belief system which keeps them trapped. The most common example of this is the attachment to a partner. Often those with whom I come into contact, will be convinced that the only way to have a decent life is to keep a particular partner. Ironically, they may or may not even like or respect that partner. It may be that the actual attachment is to the belief that having that partner is preferable to living alone even if life with that partner who was not emotionally present is or has been very lonely. If I suggest that they allow for the possibility that they can have a good life, even if single, they often tell me that obviously I do not understand.
It is easy to become attached to a particular job, profession, physical ability, a certain level of income, a health status, a house, or almost anything. Some of us parents can easily become attached to the belief that we are supposed to outlive our children. All too often this is not the case. It can feel nearly impossible to imagine or visualize a satisfying life knowing our child or children are gone for good.
As long as the issue is defined or posited as the loss of that person, relationship, job, professional license or something else one cannot move on. We all know, all too well, that we cannot control other people, places or things. One can, however, reframe or redefine the issue as one’s attachment to that particular belief. As soon as one allows for the possibility that one could have a good life even without that particular person, possession, profession, job or whatever the attachment in one’s life, one has taken a huge first step towards claiming a good life for oneself. One may still need to grieve the loss of that particular attachment, but one has opened a window, however tiny, to the vision of a satisfying life without that to which one was attached. In some cases, such as the death of a child, the grief process never ends, but one can allow positive experiences to sit alongside of the grief. For most of us it is not the absence of grief that allow us to embrace life, but the absence of positives.
Every business owner, builder, handy person, or artist knows that correctly identifying a problem is important. If one continues to blame other persons, places, things and events for one’s existential angst than one will stay miserable. If one is willing to identify the problem as one’s attachment to a belief system there can be meaningful change. I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick process but it is moving in a positive direction. As is always true, step by step one can change one’s thought process and, thus, move in a more positive direction.
Written July 3, 2018
I often talk with those who are convinced that they can only have a good/satisfying or happy life if so and so remains in their life or if they are able to hold on to a job, a professional license or something else.
They become attached to the belief that the quality of their life depends on having or keeping that to which they have attached themselves. It is not the thing or person itself, but the belief system which keeps them trapped. The most common example of this is the attachment to a partner. Often those with whom I come into contact, will be convinced that the only way to have a decent life is to keep a particular partner. Ironically, they may or may not even like or respect that partner. It may be that the actual attachment is to the belief that having that partner is preferable to living alone even if life with that partner who was not emotionally present is or has been very lonely. If I suggest that they allow for the possibility that they can have a good life, even if single, they often tell me that obviously I do not understand.
It is easy to become attached to a particular job, profession, physical ability, a certain level of income, a health status, a house, or almost anything. Some of us parents can easily become attached to the belief that we are supposed to outlive our children. All too often this is not the case. It can feel nearly impossible to imagine or visualize a satisfying life knowing our child or children are gone for good.
As long as the issue is defined or posited as the loss of that person, relationship, job, professional license or something else one cannot move on. We all know, all too well, that we cannot control other people, places or things. One can, however, reframe or redefine the issue as one’s attachment to that particular belief. As soon as one allows for the possibility that one could have a good life even without that particular person, possession, profession, job or whatever the attachment in one’s life, one has taken a huge first step towards claiming a good life for oneself. One may still need to grieve the loss of that particular attachment, but one has opened a window, however tiny, to the vision of a satisfying life without that to which one was attached. In some cases, such as the death of a child, the grief process never ends, but one can allow positive experiences to sit alongside of the grief. For most of us it is not the absence of grief that allow us to embrace life, but the absence of positives.
Every business owner, builder, handy person, or artist knows that correctly identifying a problem is important. If one continues to blame other persons, places, things and events for one’s existential angst than one will stay miserable. If one is willing to identify the problem as one’s attachment to a belief system there can be meaningful change. I am not suggesting that this is easy or quick process but it is moving in a positive direction. As is always true, step by step one can change one’s thought process and, thus, move in a more positive direction.
Written July 3, 2018
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