To speak or not to speak

​To speak or not to speak
 
I had a brief conversation with a friend this morning about the question of how to respond when one appears to be the lone person in a small group of people who is concerned about the use of racist, sexist, homophobic or other language which discounts the humanity – the sacred humanity – of another.   My personal goal is to let others know that I have a difficult time listening to such language.  I might say that “I am offended when you say x or use y terms.”   I might also say, “I have a tough time hearing what you are attempting to communicate when you use words like x.”    Sadly, it seems really difficult to find a way to say something without coming across as critical or self-righteous.   That is not my intention but that seems too often to be how I am heard.   
 
If I do not speak up I believe I am silently endorsing language which condones the mistreatment of others.   I do not believe that such language is ever innocent or non-harmful.   
 
My friend was telling me that he often hears such oppressive language while riding in a van with others (mostly males) on their way to a job site for the oil and gas industry.    He is also a recovery person who uses a 12-step program for his recovery.   Since Covid-19, most of the 12 strep meetings are via zoom.   He says that hackers sometimes join the meetings and make racist or other dehumanizing comments.    Since he has options of group meetings, he will look for another meeting.
 
In my office when I hear such language I simply let individuals know that I cannot hear their concerns or stay healthy myself if they use such language.    If they cannot refrain from using that language, they are free to hire another therapist.  Almost always individuals will then make a serious effort to use other language.    There are very few days when I do not have to address such issues with clients in my office. 
 
I am well aware there are those who dismiss concerns about language as attempts to be politically correct.  Those who say this normally are saying that by focusing on language I am diverting attention from important issues.   I get the same reaction from some when I tell a wait person that I do not want any plastic straws or a plastic bag for my leftovers.
 
Who should decide whether or not language is important and needs to be addressed?
 

• Racist language – a person or persons who are the subject of such language or whose son has been stopped by a police person merely because of his perceived race.
• Sexist language – a woman who has been sexually abused or otherwise treated as an object.
• Homophobic language – A GLBT youth or adult; a parent who child was bullied and committed suicide because of homophobic name calling.
• Anti-religious language – a child of someone who survived the holocaust; a Muslim who has been mistreated because of his/her religious.
• Ant-environment language or behavior:
  Those directly affected, I, e.  those who rely on fishing for a living and know how much plastic fish are ingesting,
  
  

There are females who do not object to what is experienced as oppressive language by other women.  There are black people who use the N words to describe those black people who have had fewer advantages. One can find the exceptions in any group of people; those who think that they have “made it” without demanding change.  There are certainly those who have been lucky, grown up in a protected environment; those who, for whatever reason, were able to break through walls without systemic changes.  Hats off to them.   If we were born with certain abilities, had help from those with the right connections or early learned to pass as “one of the privileged few” then we need to be grateful and not self-righteously assume everyone has the same opportunities.
 
I have often heard it said that either we are part of the solution or part of the problem. How can I be a part of the solution when confronted with language which becomes some of the links to the chain which is shackling the feet and hands of friends, family and neighbors?
 
Written July 1, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org