Grieving our helplessness
Daily I talk to individuals who are upset because they cannot fix or heal someone they love. Almost always these are very compassionate individuals who sincerely want to help another person. These individuals may themselves present with symptoms of no appetite, inability to fall or stay asleep, difficulty focusing, losing weight, and feeling as if they have failed. Clearly these are typical symptoms of clinical depression and/or grief. The person about whom they are worried may be in active addiction, showing symptoms of acute mental illness, or exhibiting other symptoms such as extreme weight loss or weight gain. Often the person who consults with me is “sick with worry” and “knows” that they would be okay if the person about whom they are concerned would just get the help they need. Yet, unless someone can be proven to be actively homicidal or suicidal there is no legal way to force them to seek professional help. Even if they do agree to go through the motions of seeing a professional they may not follow the advice of the professional. They may not think they need help and are only attempting to pacify their relative or friend long enough to get them off them back.
Clearly the most difficult aspects of loving someone unconditionally is respecting their choices even if it is known that their choices are filtered through a mind which is not functioning well. In our effort to address the problem of “The Snake Pit” we have made it very difficult to commit someone for care unless they can be proven to be immediately homicidal or suicidal. This often means we must rely on a person whose ability to have a shared reality is diminished. There are some exceptions in some places in the United States, but, for the most part, we in the United States have decided that individual rights, even when someone is obviously impaired, supersede the emotional distress they may be causing others. In the era of The Snake Pit many people were institutionalized for long periods of time - sometimes a life time - for wanting to divorce an abusive spouse or otherwise behaving in a way which was unacceptable to others, often the parents or the recognized head of the family. No one wants to return to the time when it was easy to institutionalize and “treat” someone merely because someone did not like their behavior.
The best that those concerned about the mental or emotional health of another can do is to say focused on accepting what one cannot change and changing what one can. Obviously, getting sick because one cannot help or heal another is not helpful to the other person or to oneself. One needs to be very intentional about one’s emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If and when the person about whom one is concerned reaches out for help one want to be healthy enough to help.
One also does not want to inadvertently make the person about whom one is concerned responsible for one’s health. If the message one is sending out is that one can only be well if the other person behaves the way one thinks they should or need to, that is making them responsible for one’s well-being. That is not good for anyone and is ultimately not experienced as loving.
Most of us are constantly faced with the grief of letting go of the relationship we thought we had, should have or wanted to have with another. We do, of course, need to give ourselves permission to grieve the loss. The time for grief needs to be a sacred, respected time. Often, we helping professions use very hurtful labels to refer to the desire of a person to help another. Labels such as co-dependent may or may not be technically accurate but they can also be experienced as negative and hurtful. We need to avoid using any terms which are experienced as negative or hurtful; terms which diminish the sincerity of the love for the other person be that child, partner, friend, parent or any other important relationship.
Written July 15, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Daily I talk to individuals who are upset because they cannot fix or heal someone they love. Almost always these are very compassionate individuals who sincerely want to help another person. These individuals may themselves present with symptoms of no appetite, inability to fall or stay asleep, difficulty focusing, losing weight, and feeling as if they have failed. Clearly these are typical symptoms of clinical depression and/or grief. The person about whom they are worried may be in active addiction, showing symptoms of acute mental illness, or exhibiting other symptoms such as extreme weight loss or weight gain. Often the person who consults with me is “sick with worry” and “knows” that they would be okay if the person about whom they are concerned would just get the help they need. Yet, unless someone can be proven to be actively homicidal or suicidal there is no legal way to force them to seek professional help. Even if they do agree to go through the motions of seeing a professional they may not follow the advice of the professional. They may not think they need help and are only attempting to pacify their relative or friend long enough to get them off them back.
Clearly the most difficult aspects of loving someone unconditionally is respecting their choices even if it is known that their choices are filtered through a mind which is not functioning well. In our effort to address the problem of “The Snake Pit” we have made it very difficult to commit someone for care unless they can be proven to be immediately homicidal or suicidal. This often means we must rely on a person whose ability to have a shared reality is diminished. There are some exceptions in some places in the United States, but, for the most part, we in the United States have decided that individual rights, even when someone is obviously impaired, supersede the emotional distress they may be causing others. In the era of The Snake Pit many people were institutionalized for long periods of time - sometimes a life time - for wanting to divorce an abusive spouse or otherwise behaving in a way which was unacceptable to others, often the parents or the recognized head of the family. No one wants to return to the time when it was easy to institutionalize and “treat” someone merely because someone did not like their behavior.
The best that those concerned about the mental or emotional health of another can do is to say focused on accepting what one cannot change and changing what one can. Obviously, getting sick because one cannot help or heal another is not helpful to the other person or to oneself. One needs to be very intentional about one’s emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If and when the person about whom one is concerned reaches out for help one want to be healthy enough to help.
One also does not want to inadvertently make the person about whom one is concerned responsible for one’s health. If the message one is sending out is that one can only be well if the other person behaves the way one thinks they should or need to, that is making them responsible for one’s well-being. That is not good for anyone and is ultimately not experienced as loving.
Most of us are constantly faced with the grief of letting go of the relationship we thought we had, should have or wanted to have with another. We do, of course, need to give ourselves permission to grieve the loss. The time for grief needs to be a sacred, respected time. Often, we helping professions use very hurtful labels to refer to the desire of a person to help another. Labels such as co-dependent may or may not be technically accurate but they can also be experienced as negative and hurtful. We need to avoid using any terms which are experienced as negative or hurtful; terms which diminish the sincerity of the love for the other person be that child, partner, friend, parent or any other important relationship.
Written July 15, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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