For those of you who have been following my blog you know that the two most recent blogs have to do with the H and the O of the HOW of the 12-step program. In the first of this trinity I talked about honesty and in the second, I talked about my understanding of open mindedness.
Again, in this writing I want to share my thoughts about my understanding of the willingness part of the HOW of the 12-step program. If you are working a 12-step program with a sponsor, it is important to ask your sponsor to explain their understanding of willingness.
If one googles willingness of the HOW of the 12-step program, one will find many references to the step six of the program. That step states, ‘We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” In my mind this could also be stated as the willingness to trust that if I honor the sacred human that I am, I will not need to run from myself; I will not need the shortcuts/the running behavior which keeps me from being the person I was created to me. What the program is calling defects of character I think of as all the ways I try to avoid the issue of my humanness. As I have previously stated, somewhere along the way, most of we humans decide that we are not enough; that we have to be more than others - richer, larger, stronger, more prestigious, or whatever. Often we know that these methods of trying to prove our worth are not working long term. We are deeply saddened or frightened when we realize this. We are very uncomfortable. Thus , we seek some way of avoiding that discomfort: alcohol, other drugs, sex, anger, working, trying to be perfect, blaming, focusing on what others do wrong all provide some temporary relief. Many of these behaviors affect others in a negative way. When the 12-step program talks about defects of character it is generally interpreted to refer to that behavior which harms others and, thus, separate us and harms us. My belief is that any behavior which keeps me from treating myself, others, and the rest of creation with love is harmful and, thus behavior which I want/need to let go of. It is frightening to let go of what we are used to doing even if we do not like the results of that behavior. It takes great courage to sit with the discomfort and be willing to forego behavior which gives us some momentary relief or comfort, but which leaves us separated from our true self and the rest of creation.
I am reminded of a version of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which I just reread today. It is by Timber Hawkeye in his book Buddhist Bootcamp (p. 46). Take the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, for example, as I understand it:
“Where there is hatred within, train your mind to sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. Do not seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it’s in giving that we receive; it’s in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is by letting go of the concept of a separate “self” that we are born to eternal life.”
If the only prayer you even say in your entire life is “thank you” it will be enough. – Johannes Eckhart
I think we are designed to strive to live as St. Francis suggests. Any behavior which is contrary to that is what the program is calling a defect of character or we could call it sin or addictive shortcut or avoidance of self. You see, I believe that we are designed to be loved and as simplistic as that sounds, I think that love heals or cures all. Will it cure cancer? Not necessarily. We are not designed to live forever. Whether we die of cancer or something else does not really matter. Certainly I am in favor of medication which helps we humans to live more fully for whatever time is possible. On the other hand, I do think that living just to live with no quality of life is a gift.
All the behavior which has not allowed us to feel connected to what is best within ourselves - to what is best in others - is behavior which leaves me feeling defective. I want to be willing to take the risk of letting go of behavior which is not consistent with who I am designed to be; to be that person who is a spiritual work in progress – far from perfect but willing to risk love as a way of life. Yes. This will take great courage and a willingness to trust that together we can do our part to create a loving world.
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