12 steps of spiritual g

Step 11 of the AA 12 step program is:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

On  aa.org one finds an acknowledgement that ,for some, the concept of God or the use of the term God is still one which is not helpful.   It goes one to say on page 98

 “As we have seen, self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. Yet it is only a step. We will want to go further.

We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow. Most certainly we shall need bracing air and an abundance of food. But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun. How, then, shall we meditate?”

On page 99, a prayer of St. Francis is repeated:

“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace—that where there is hatred, I may bring love—that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness—that where there is discord, I may bring harmony—that where there is error, I may bring truth—that where there is doubt, I may bring faith—that where there is despair, I may bring hope—that where there are shadows, I may bring light— that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted— to understand, than to be understood—to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by for- giving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen.”

Surely this is no one who could disagree with the wishes expressed in this prayer.  The term prayer may, however, be a stumbling block. Again we are faced with a God concept and the belief that some being is going to receive our satellite message and take action.   What is this concept of prayer?    Let ask our friends at oxforddictionary.com.  There we find:

1.  a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship.

2. A religious service, especially a regular one, at which people gather in order to pray together

3. “he doesn’t have a prayer of of…he doesn’t have a prayer of …

The etiology of the word is from the old French word preiere based on Latin precarius meaning “obtained by entreaty…”

In more contemporary language, one might find the terms:

Intentional

Noticing

Mindfulness

Listening

Meditative presence

All of these terms require a willingness (remember the HOW of the program which I wrote about some time ago – honestly, open mindedness and willingness) to  be quiet,  to really listen to what the best part of one is thinking, check in with one’s value system, and have the have the courage to be honest with oneself and with others.

Of course, whether I believe in a higher power/God/Allah or not, I have to continue to remind myself that I am powerless over other people, places and things.   Assuming my brain is functional I am not powerless of the intent which is expressed by St. Francis.  Think how much we humans could change the world it we were just intentional more often about:

1.    Where there is hatred I will strive to bring love.  We know that hatred is a symptom of fear. I can reach beneath the fear to the person who is hurting. The person will or will not respond in a positive way but I do not have to give the person the power to respond with more hate.

2.    I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.  None of us are better or worse than others.  It is my intent to not judge myself for others.  May it be my intent to accept the humanness of myself and others today.

3.    Where there is discord may I bring harmony.  Obviously I cannot force someone or some group of people to make peace or to treat each other with love. I can remain calm and refused to be sucked into being judgmental, angry, or violent.  I am not convinced that responding to violence (physical, emotional and verbal) with more violence ever leads to a positive result long term.

4.    That where there is error I may bring truth. It seems to me that this is especially important in terms of misunderstandings what I may have said or done.   If someone hears me as mean or unkind I can certainly say that I am sorry that I came across that way and reassure that I did not intend to communicate such negative thoughts or feelings. On the other hand, perhaps I lost my cool and I did say something mean. The truth is that I can apologize/make amends when I have been unkind.  When I was wrong I can apologize.  I do not hear this part of the prayer of St. Francis as “I know the truth and will correct your errors.” If one hears it this way one could “justify” being very unkind in the name of truth.  Most often this issue comes up in the context of attempting to get the other person to accept that I did not do or say something. In this case I have fallen in the trap of needing to have the other person accept that my truth is the only possible truth.  That goal becomes more important than treating others with love and kindness.  I think I have to be very careful with thinking I know or possess ‘the truth” but then admitting that I do not know “the truth” is paradoxically a universal truth!

5.    That where there is doubt I may bring faith. For me the faith I can communicate is the faith that the other person is worth love and respect no matter what. One could read this as faith in God.  I choose to keep it simple and trust that it is good enough if I do my best to love no matter what is going on with the other person or what he or she did. A wonderful example of this has been occurring with someone I know who when he and his wife relapsed shot and killed his wife.  The people in the 12 step program, his children and his family members know that addiction is a powerful disease which can take over one’s brain resulting in a terrible outcome such as when this person shot and killed his wife. They are exhibiting true compassion  which accepts that any of us could be in the same position if we do not take care of ourselves.  This faith is in the basic goodness of his man which was masked by the addiction.

6.    That where there is despair I may bring hope.  I wrote to the man in jail awaiting a retrial on the murder charges (first trial ended in hung jury). I also write to several others who are serving time in state or federal prisons.   I have been communicating with several people who have lost children  to addiction or from other causes. I cannot bring their child back. I can show and show all these people that there is still love in the world.

7.    There where there are shadows there is light.  Ahh…  Sometimes all we humans can see or experience is the dark.  It is easy to allow ourselves to get sucked into the dark rather than bring light to the darkness. Again sometimes the light we bring is just being present with love and understanding.  Sometimes, as with entering a dark room, we need to patiently wait for our eyes to see the light.

8.    That where there is sadness I may bring joy.  Sometimes the sadness of another triggers my own memory of sadness.  If not careful I might get so involved with my own history or issues that I am not lovingly listening or present with the other.  Then we have two sad, depressed people, neither of who can support or help the other.

9.    Grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted. Again I am reminded of the fact that sometimes when we need to be comforting or we intend to be comforting we bring up all our history of woes, disappointment, aches, pains, etc. We end up sucking more life out of the person who needs our comfort. I always need to be careful to get my gas tank filled.  If I go to comfort  when I have nothing left to give I will not bring comfort and will ask for comfort instead.

10. To understand rather than to be understood. Some women maintain that we males very often offer advice when they need us to just listen.  Listening is not easy even for we professional listeners.  It can be a great comfort to another when we can just lovingly listen without offering advice or judgments.

11. To love, than to be loved.  Actually, when we have allowed ourselves to trust the love of other, to treat ourselves with love, to know that we are love, we are able to love.

St. Francis ends with, “For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by for-giving that one is forgiven.  It is y dying that one awaken to Eternal Life. Amen.

Whether or not one believes literally in eternal life, one can learn to trust the fact that emotions and thoughts are energy.   It is a basic law of physics that energy is neither created or destroyed.   I am sure all of the readers have had the experience of walking into a space which feels light or heavy or even sinister.  I have been in hotel rooms where I “knew” something negative had occurred.  I have refused to stay in such a room. I have come into a home or office and immediately known something positive or negative has been going on. There are those who use rituals to cleanse a space of negative energy. Whether one believes that is possible or not, it is important for me to be as intentional as possible about being aware that I can choose to leave negative or positive energy in every space I visit tonight.  Whether I am going stop for a cup of coffee with a friend, interact with a store clerk, a client or someone else I can bring and leave loving energy.  It is my intent to bring and leave positive energy as much as humanly possible.

For me, this is the intent of the 11th step – to be the most loving person I can be today – to myself, others and mother earth – to hold on to my essential belief in the power of love.  With or without any concept of God/Allah/Higher Power if one has the courage to love one  can be assured that they are doing their part to insure that the world will function in a harmonious way. Sounds pretty simple, but for this human it is not always easy. I find that I can get off balance and just react rather than staying in an actor role. The 11 step is my commitment to be intentional about doing my best today to be an actor who is in tough with the power of love.

Written September 16, 2015    

Step 10 in the AA 12 step program is: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

Many of we humans forget that the simple fact that we are human meaning, of course, that doing an extended retreat, working the 12 steps, immersing ourselves in a residential treat or recovery program for 90 days or even a year, does not morph us into saintly creatures who are always like one of those sickingly sweet, overly cheerful wait persons (not in New York City) who, even as a pacifist one wants to slap at 6:00 a.m.  Neither are we morphed into the Mother Theresa, which we have conjured up in our heads who is always kind, always forgiving, always lovingly welcoming no matter how others are behaving.  No.  We are still human and we are still going to have fears, resentments, and lapses in judgments, angry moments, inconsiderate moments and we will be forgetful.  We are still going to try to control other people, places or things or turn over control to other people so that we can blame them. We are still going to be tempted to keep secrets.  We will regularly send the God of our understanding on vacation.   We will still find “reasons” why we do not need to make amends. We will judge and be judged. In other words life will still show up and we will respond as the imperfect humans that we are.

So what is the point of doing the 12 steps if our behavior is still going to fall so short of perfection?   The point is that we now can face and deal with our humanness on a daily or even hourly basis.  We need not build up issues so that it takes another extensive workshop and hours to face them and do the next right thing. To be sure, as we continue to grow, we will discover new levels of honestly and willingness to identify and process past issues.  We may “find’ issues we completely “missed” when we initially worked the 12 steps.  No big deal. We do not need to run back to unhealthy behavior to avoid dealing with these new or newly revealed human character traits and behavior.   All we need to do is to simply notice them and then whip out the 12 steps, often our handy notebook or computer and get to work.  If needed, we can ask for guidance.  Sometimes our spiritual guide, teacher or sponsor will point out some pattern and recommend that we pray, do some writing or work a step.

If we read the comments and recommendations about this step on aa.org we will find these wise words as well as many others:

“Although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another. There’s the spot- check inventory, taken at any time of the day, whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up. There’s the one we take at day’s end, when we review the happenings of the hours which have just past. Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due. Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time. Many A.A.’s go in for annual or semiannual housecleanings. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation.”

With time, all of us who are working a daily spiritual growth/recovery program will learn to identify the symptoms  of our humanness which, if left unattended will grow into these huge tumors of “dis ease” leaving us vulnerable to the use of old unhealthy tools of survival.   Some example of these symptoms might be:

·      Chronic tiredness which is not explained by a medical condition such as a thyroid dysfunction, anemia, or some other conditions.

·      Chronic grumpiness which festers and grows into anger.

·      Self righteousness – “I would be fine if all these other idiots or low life people would just die or get it together.

·      A spouse or partner who suddenly does everything wrong.

·      Being chronically angry at self, family members, students, teachers, service people, God …

·      Blaming others rather than examining our expectations.

·      Keeping secrets.

·      Feeling shameful.

·      Chronic medical issues whose cause is frequently stress or which are aggravated by stress.

·      Stress – experiencing life as stressful.

·      Serious thoughts of hiring a hit person!

·      Cravings for addicted behavior.

·      Convincing ourselves that we can safely engage in unhealthy and/or addictive behavior.

·      Veg’ing out in front of the television or playing computer games for hours and then complaining that one is too busy.

·      Sleeping for 12 or 14 hours a day when one is not physically sick – sleeping to escape.

·      Poor appetite or eating everything in sight – unexpected weight gain or loss of more than a few pounds.

·      Withdrawal – pushing away support.

·      I have sudden delusions of being a Shakespeare actor – I am the king or queen of drama!!

There are others, which are common to many of us.  The point is that if we are paying attention we will “know” when we are getting off centered emotionally and spiritually or when our body is telling us that something else is wrong.  Once I have ruled out the need to see the medical doctor or have seen the medical doctor who assures me that all is well as far as he/she can determine, it is time for me to get honest and self diagnose or get someone to help me diagnose the problem and what I need to do about it.

I can occasionally be up thirty minutes without having to look at step 1.  In my life there is always something happening which reminds me I have no control – that I am powerless.  My habit is to get up, turn on the computer and the coffee machine, shave, dress, make the bed, get a cup of coffee, take medication and then do email for an hour before heading to the gym to work out for 1 ½ hours.  Now, I have been doing this schedule for a long time.  Surely the God of my understanding has noticed this pattern and will make sure nothing interferes with my routine.  After all, they are all basically healthy, good things to do (perhaps not the coffee). Not only that the Internet provider “SHOULD” know that at 5:25 a.m. I “need” to use the computer. I am, after all, the center of the universe!  I do not ask for much.   One gets the idea. The Internet provider is not the problem.  The computer is not the problem. God is not the problem. The problem is that I am powerless over other people, places and I do not like it.  I could benefit from focusing on a step one!!!

Sometimes an old issue or internal message gets triggered for me. One of the most frequent issues for me is making a mistake which hurts someone else or is hurtful to someone, making a silly mistake because I am in a hurt, someone telling me that I am a terrible person or even worse someone saying that they will not talk to me. Any of these events can trigger an old, internalized belief that I am worthless, dumb, stupid, a terrible friend, father, lover, son, worker, professional or sibling.  I can quickly go from feeling good about my spiritual growth and myself to feelings that I should probably commit suicide!  The good news is that when that happens I know that an old lie stored in my internal file cabinet has been triggered.  I know I need to do a step 4 and 5. Basically I am doing a step 4 and 5 to myself but I often find it helpful to share this with another person who can cry and probably laugh with me.

The evening is another good time for me to read, write, talk to trusted friends, and pray to the God of my understanding.   There are evenings when there is a solid block of time and readily available energy. There are other times when it seems as if I do not have a free moment.  Even if I am a little later getting to bed I find that I rest better if I take some time to review the day and to do whatever step work I need to do.  I now know that if I go to bed with unfinished business I am not going to rest well and will likely accumulate more garbage tomorrow when I am tired.  

One of my personal habits is to keep the television out of my living room and bedroom.  Unlike my son who can read or write and have the television on I cannot do this.   He grew up with a television.  I did not.   I access information better reading then listening.   Some people learn better when listening.  I also am a writer. Writing often gives me the distance I need to “hear” myself.   I know I am a “slow” thinker. Thus I do better communicating in person or in writing than I do on the phone.   There are times, however, when I do well using the phone.    My point is that there is not a right or wrong way to get this job done. I just know that I need to take time at least daily to do a personal inventory and then take whatever action I need to take.

Written September 15, 2015

Step 9 in the AA program of recovery from alcoholism is;

Step Nine

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Again we turn to part of what one can find on aa.org about each step.  The introduction to step 9 says:

“GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.

“After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where ac- tion ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all. “

As I emphasized in writing on step 8, it is very important to remind ourselves that the goal is to do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because we want, need, or expect others to forgive us or to accept our apology and amends.  From personal experience I know that it is important for this human to remind myself that I need to examine my complete motive for apologizing and making amends.   If I am hoping to manipulate, get something in return, prove what a good person I am or some other selfish or self centered motive my behavior is not going to have any spiritual benefit for myself or the other person. For example, if, even silently to myself, I am saying, “I will show you I am the bigger person. You did not apologize or even try to make amends when you did such and such, but we know that your program of spiritual growth is a sham while mine is heartfelt and, thus, more meaningful.”  obviously, this action would not, in any sense, satisfy the purpose and spirit of step 9. I have titled these series “The 12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us”.   Perhaps I need to remind myself and the reader what the term spiritual growth means to me.

The beliefs which hold the essence of the concept of spiritual growth for me are:

·      We are all equal/deserving members of this universe.

·      The goal is for all of us to operate as a unit while retaining our individual talents, characteristics and “flavor”

·      There is no scientific way of assigning points to each behavior which impedes in any way the goal of functioning In a life affirming manner.

·      We are all prone to various “dis eases”  which affect our ability to function in a way which is life affirming.

·      Acceptance of the humanness of ourselves and each other brings us closer to our ability to love unconditionally  - to be compassionate.

·      In order to live in a way which is life affirming we must strive to affirm the intrinsic value of all of creation/existence.

When I am not able to affirm my own sacredness because of addiction, fear, or unresolved issues which result in “dis eases”, I take from others and have nothing to give back in return.  We often begin our journey of spiritual growth having deficit spent for a long time.   The purpose of step 9 is to acknowledge both that I have been hurtful to myself and others as well as to affirm that I have something worth giving back. This could involve paying money back that I stole. It could involve repairing physical damage that I have caused.  It may involve paying bills while my partner takes a break or returns to school. It may involve taking over primary child care to give my partner a break.  It may involve a public apology to the community and doing some community service as a way of symbolically giving back some of what I have taken.  It may involve keeping my mouth shut and not letting others know of some past action which involved another person.  If I have had an affair with my best friend’s partner/spouse  it may not be to anyone’s benefit to try to make amends to my best friend. At least it may not benefit anyone to openly admit what has been going on.  What the partner/spouse of my best friends needs to do could be something different.  It may mean an institution such as a church admitting publicly that sexual abuse has been going on and they are instituting a realistic program to both help the victims heal and to diagnose and address the issues of sexual abuse.  It does not mean punishment of anyone for punishment sake.  I have known priest who sexually abused or took advantage of others who have worked hard to heal from addictions and other dis-eases. They are now very loving, compassionate people who are a credit to themselves, the God of their understanding and  the church.

Frequently there is the question of what to do when making amends might mean the possibility of legal action and going to jail/prison.   One has to consider  whether the victim/the person hurt needs the validation of the abuse in order to go forward with their healing process.   One also has to consider whether one is going to be able to refrain from repeating that behavior.

Another factor to consider is whether indeed one has been hurtful or whether one’s behavior was “simply” inconsistent with the beliefs of someone else but was not inconsistent with one’s moral and spiritual values.  For example, the other day I watched a movie in which an African American young male was finally able to accept that he was gay.  Both the mother and the pastor of the church they attended insisted that his behavior was upsetting to God and was designed to hurt the mother and the church.  They wanted him to “surrender” to God’s will, to ask for forgiveness and to promise to stay away from the man with whom he had fallen in love.  As far as the young man was concerned he had very prayerfully considered his behavior, had talked to other healthy adults to get help in coming to terms with who he was and,after a lot of pain and suicidal thoughts come to accept himself.  In the movie he tried to accept responsibility for the “dis ease” of his mother and pastor which only led to more self loathing the unrealistic goal of becoming heterosexual.   Clearly he had nothing for which to make amends.  Perhaps it would have been better if he had found the courage to tell his mother and pastor before he was accidentally “caught” but, on the other hand, he was correct in predicting their reaction.

Sometimes the person to whom we need to make amends is the person who has been hurtful to us in the past, the person  we have refused to forgive. We have held on to our hurt and resentment. Even if they are in treatment program and attempting to get well, we hold on to our “right” to judge and punish them.   We may need to get honest with ourselves about why we are doing this.   Do we really believe that we are better than they are?  Do we really believe that there “sin” was worse than any of we have committed?  Do we really believe that holding on the resentment is going to protect us from further hurt?  Is it possible that our health is suffering as a result of holding on this resentment?  Is it possible that we are fearful that if we forgive we will have to face a similar behavior or potential in ourselves?  Is it possible that our self righteousness is just as hurtful as the past behavior of the other person?

Obviously, there are a lot of tough questions we may need to give ourselves permission to face as we contemplate and attempt to work a 9th step.  We may need to remind ourselves that ‘easy does it”.  The goal is not to be “Christ like” by 9:00 p.m. tonight. The goal is not to out Buddha the Buddha by  midnight tonight.  The goal is step by step, gently, lovingly, sometimes painfully, seek  healing/spiritual growth.

Written September 14, 2015

Step 8 in the alcoholic anonymous program is:

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

As is quickly pointed out in aa.org , when we read about working the 8th step one has already in doing step 4 made a list of the people which have been adversely affected by one’s past behavior.  Obviously this is not an exhaustive list.  As all of us continue to work a spiritual program of growth the memory of others people we have hurt or wronged will be triggered.   We must also accept that at times even in our “advanced stage of spiritual growth” (LOL) we will have moments when we intentionally or unintentionally hurt or wrong someone.  The hoped for primary difference can be that we will now recognize when we have hurt or wronged someone and promptly make amends. At least that is what the person who knows he/she is on a spiritual path aspires to do. 

As is pointed out by numerous people, such as John MacDougall, D.Min, director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden, “An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.”

Turning again to aa.org, pages 77 and 78, one finds the following guidance/explanation on/of step 8”

 “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

STEPS Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.

This is a very large order. It is a task which we may perform with increasing skill, but never really finish. Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure. Every A.A. has found that he can make little headway in this new adventure of living until he first backtracks and really makes an accurate and unsparing survey of the human wreckage he has left in his wake. To a degree, he has already done this when taking moral inventory, but now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways. This reopening of emotional wounds, some old, some perhaps forgotten, and some still painfully festering, will at first look like a purposeless and pointless piece of surgery. But if a willing start is made, the great advantage of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away.”

As has been previously pointed out the person we have most hurt or wronged is ourselves. The purpose of running away and running the risk of becoming addicted to a substances, sex, money, things, situations, or places is to avoid the discomfort or dis ease of being with ourselves.  The basic belief that it is not enough to be us - that we somehow have to be more than ourselves if we want love and respect -is very painful.  We humans do all we can to avoid ourselves. This results in a separation from self. In order to heal we must rejoin the parts of ourselves. We must “come home” to ourselves with love.  It is not enough to say that we forgive ourselves for being so self-destructive.  Jesus did not say to Judas, “I forgive you.”   Instead, he holds out his arms, embraces him, kisses him and welcomes him home. He knows that he needs to show Judas that they he is loved as a human.  Thus we must make amends to ourselves by embracing ourselves and then taking good care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and nutritionally.   It will not work if we say to self,  “Sorry mate, you need to be punished.” We must show our entire being that we can and will forgive and care for it.

Once we have begun the process of making amends with ourselves we will find we are connected with our higher power/God of our understanding, which, in turn allows for the possibly of reconnection with others. I say possibility because even if we make amends, other people may not be easily convinced that we are truly sorry for our past behavior and that we are going to do our best to treat them with love and respect. Restoration of trust may not come easily or quickly. I will talk more about this when I discuss step 9.  Step 8 is about our wiliness to make amends – to be willing to do whatever we need to do to demonstrate that we want to restore what we have taken from others. We cannot restore lost time or lost possibilities. We may be able to repay money or help repair something we have broken.  The important point is that we are honestly willing to admit the extent to which our past behavior has affected others and to do the tough work of repairing the damage to the extent that it is possible.

Of course it is easy to say that we are willing when we are sitting in the safely of our home or sitting with safe, loving people. It is easy to say that we are now willing to do the next right thing without any concern for whether or not the new behavior is appreciated.  The real test comes when I say I am sorry or I try to repay what I have taken and it is not accepted. Again, I will talk more about this in Step 9, but before I get to that step I best make sure that I am not saying I am willing to engage in new behavior because I think that, as was the case with the prodigal son, a great feast will be prepared – that I will be showered with love and admiration because I have finally acted like a spiritual adult.

No.  Willingness is a huge step of deciding that I am ready to do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because I will receive an external reward.  If we listen carefully to we so-called adults we may have perfected the list of reasons why we cannot or do not do the next right thing. We say, “I tried to be nice. I tried to make amends but the other person was still a spiritually challenged person (we may use more colorful language.)  I tried to make amends but the blank person is so greedy they want interest of the “loan” or the money I had stolen.  I tried to do the right thing but they have succumbed to the belief that unending punishment is the only answer.  I tried to do the right thing, but …” Doing the next right thing without any expectations is not something we humans find easy and, perhaps not often possible.  Are we, however, even WILLING to entertain the possibility of letting go of expectation and doing something because it is the right thing to do?   If I am not willing to even consider that possibility then I am not ready for step 9 which is: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Written September 13, 2015

Step 7 of the 12 step program is:

“Humbly asked him to remove our shortcoming.”

I love this step although my understanding of what it means to be humble in this context is slightly different than the definition in the Oxford dictionary.  My understanding of what leads to the lack of humility and the subsequent  failure to attain humility is slightly different than what I first read in the Big Book.

Oxford dictionary defines humble as:

·      (of an action or thought) offered with or affected by a modest estimate of one’s own importance:…

·      Of low social, administrative, or political rank:…

Middle English: from Old French, from Latin humilis 'low, lowly', from humus 'ground'.

If one turns to pages 71-72 on aa.org one finds:
“In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first, and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living. Quite characteristically, we had gone all out in confusing the ends with the means. Instead of regarding the satisfaction of our material desires as the means by which we could live and function as human beings, we had taken these satisfactions to be the final end and aim of life.

True, most of us thought good character was desirable, but obviously good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied. With a proper display of honesty and morality, we’d stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted. But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness. Seldom did we look at character-building as something desirable in itself, something we would like to strive for whether our instinctual needs were met or not. We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living.”

I do agree that the attempt to find happiness, worth or courage in  some substance, activity or thing will bring only temporarily  relief from the often profound unhappiness or discomfort of being ourselves.  What one consistently hears when one attends lead meetings in the 12 step program are stories of feeling different, of feeling as if one does not belong, of not being enough or being less than.   Most addicts(we humans) are attempting to escape being with themselves (ourselves)  or attempting to prove that they (we) are more worthwhile than they (we) feel.   I certainly would not call this humble unless we are going to define humble as profound self-hatred.  The opposite of this profound self hatred would be the willingness and faith to celebrate who we are as humans.  I want to suggest that it is only through grateful acceptance of our humanness that we can let go of these destructive thoughts and behaviors which, in the end, have further separated us from any “higher power”, our selves and from others.  Knowing or accepting that we are enough, that we do not have to prove ourselves paradoxically allows us to treat ourselves and others with compassion. As many Buddhist or other spiritual leaders, including that Jesus fellow, have posited: When we can honestly face and accept ourselves we see in ourselves all of humankind.  We are the mirror for every other human and every other human is the mirror for us.  As the paralyzed yoga teacher and sage, Matthew Sanford suggests, it is  only when we honestly make peace with ourselves that we know compassionate or can be compassionate. This makes perfect sense to me.  As was discussed in steps 4, 5 and 6 in our attempt to run from ourselves or to prove ourselves we have not been able to be considerate or respectful of the needs of our own body much less the needs of others.  This is, in my “humble” opinion is what has resulted in what is being termed character flaws or defects. The belief that we were defective had led to us act as if defective.

My thinking is that “He/She/it”- the God of our understanding – is always inviting us to be embraced, is always welcoming  us home, but as long as we feel unworthy we push away in shame or find some way of numbing our loneliness and our sense of lowness  to make ourselves disappear.

He/She/It says  we are enough.  You have wonderful talents and abilities. You are worthy of love.

In accepting this invitation the perceived need to be self destructive and destructive of others is going to fall away.  As Louise Hay would say, “We are perfect in our imperfection.”

When praying I advise myself , “Do not pray to have your shortcoming or defects removed.  Pray that you accept their removal.  Do not pray that you be given strength. Pray that you will accept/embrace the strength you have already been given. Do not pray that your artificial sense of self worth is removed. Pray that you accept that you are enough with this artificial sense of self worth.”

Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings becomes, for me, “Gratefully accept the grace/the love which is you – which is the world.”  Once we do that we can in all humility relax in the knowledge that we are enough, that the God of understanding never rejected us, that the God of our understanding never asked that we prove our worth.   From a Christian perspective the message is clear: Accept the unconditional love (Grace) which God offers and onewill not feel as if one needs to pretend we are more than or have more than or know more than.

If we keep it this simple than we will be able to be the best we can humanly be.  We will not need those behaviors which have separated us from ourselves, others, Mother Earth and the God of our understanding. We have nothing to prove. Our fear will be massaged away.

Written September 12, 2015

12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – step 6

Step 6 in the AA Big Book is “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

For some, there may be two major issues with this step:

·      Once again has to deal with the pesky term God. As started earlier, God  is a term which carries negative connotation for many people.

·       Initially, it may seem to read as if we will immediately be free from all our human defects of character, which we know is impossible.   If we take this as a mandate to now be perfect we will give up and go back to doing whatever behavior has allowed us to survive thus far even, if that behavior is destructive long term to oneself and others.

Perhaps turning, once again, to aa.org to see what it has to say about this step would be helpful.  On page 65 we find:

“So Step Six—“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”—is A.A.’s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The key words “entirely ready” underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn.”

If one is engaging in addictive behavior such as alcoholism, other drug abuse, sex addiction, food addiction or any other behavior which “steals” one’s ability to move beyond the lowest, survival rung of Maslow’s hierarchy, one does have to completely refrain from that behavior. While some individuals seem to have been blessed with the complete absence of any further desire for that substance or behavior, many others will have to deal with the periodic triggering of a strong desire or craving.  Some will be unsuccessful and will need to give themselves permission to focus on getting back on track rather than beating up oneself or giving up.

Let’s take these issues one by one.   First, the issues of the term God. As previously stated, whether we use the term higher power, higher self, better self, the good me, the “we” of our support group or the belief in some techniques, the point is that we have to allow for the belief that we are stronger and more courageous than we may feel - that with the external support we can let go of the primary self destructive behavior.  A couple of nights prior to writing this blog I got a call from a former client  who has now been sober and effectively treated for his anxiety and depression for many years.  Although when I first met him, he did start working a 12-step program, he could not allow himself to envision a higher power other than the negative, punishing/mean concept of God with which he had been raised.  For the first few months, he would call me many times during the day (this was prior to email and texting).  As soon as he woke up the anxiety felt overwhelming. He would call me before he was able to get out of bed.  He might need to call me another time before getting to work.  He would then call me as soon as he got to work and then several times throughout the day.  He also called his sponsor and some other trusted friends but, for him during that initial stage, I was his higher power. Fortunately I was able to be there during that time. Obviously, since no one can guarantee another person that they are even going to be alive later the same day, this is not an ideal solution, but, thankfully, for him I was able to do this until he got stabilized on medication and was able to get short term disability (eventually long term disability). He still is not able to believe in or trust any concept of God, but he has learned that support for others can always be available. Most of the time he is also able to trust that he is much stronger than he feels.

I have several friends that, in addition to their faith in a higher power, find that they are able to access another level of strength in themselves by wearing a sweater or other garment belonging to a trusted and beloved, deceased person such as a parent.   Anne Lamott wore  a blouse of her deceased friend until she was ready to let go of this talisman. For some the symbol or talisman is something as “simple” as a St. Christopher’s medal, a holy book or some other “sacred” object.  

Obviously, this step requires that one is very intentional about their decision that today one is going to use one’s healthy tools to choose healthier behavior.  If not careful, we humans can get busy with life and forget to be this intentional. Personally I need what I call daily spiritual time to remind myself to be very intentional about all my decisions.  I also find I need to remind myself that if emotional, physical, nutritional and spiritual self care does not come first I am likely to engage in behavior which is not consistent with my spiritual goals.  It is, for me, that simple.  Of course, I know that simple does not always mean easy

The second issue is to accept that no matter what we do, we are going to be human and we are not going to be perfect.  The hope and the intention are to use one’s healthy tools to avoid addictive behavior or other self-sabotaging behavior.  On the other hand one is going to continue to fall very short of being perfect.   Daily, I have to accept that I say or do things, which are hurtful, inconsiderate, mean spirited or otherwise inconsistent, with whom I want to be.  The good news is:

·      This happens less than it used to.

·      I notice such behavior more quickly.

·      I am less likely to feed the justifications for such behavior, i.e. e. “It is John’s fault.” Or “if only x had not happened I would not have engaged in y behavior.”

·      I forgive myself without justifying my behavior and focus on stopping the behavior and identifying how I allowed myself to fall into this trap. Perhaps I was in HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), which lowers my resistance. Perhaps I have a new secret, which is resulting in a lot of new shame.  Perhaps I am fearful that if I face the depth of the pain of a loss of a loved one I will fall apart (the humpty dumpty feeling).

·      I can reach out for support and help much quicker than I used to.

·      I am more okay with being human while still striving to be the best I can be.

I reread the step.  It does not say that God/higher power will remove all these shortcomings/defects of character today.  It says, “I was ready for God to remove these defects of character.  This is a huge difference, and, yet, there is a part of me, which continues to hear this step as “If you are truly serious about spiritual growth, God will remove all defects of character. If you are not doing your job spiritually you will continue to be the insufferable human that you are.”  

Again I am reminded that I read, hear and see with my brain, which contains all the old fears, lies, etc.  Thus, the very same words will be understood differently by each of us.  I may understand the very same words differently from one reading to the next even if the space of time between readings is only 5 minutes!!

Today I will keep coming back to a loving, peaceful, strong, place within me – that place which will allow me to be the best human I can be this moment – that place which I trust that I do not have to be perfect, that I can keep “getting back on the horse”, that knows that I am worthy of love and respect. I will hold on to the truth that in accepting myself I will be more than myself or more than the self I think I can be.

In step 7 I will further explore this business of being humble enough to accept our humanness without using humanness as an excuse for unkind or inconsiderate behavior.

Written September 11, 2015

12 Steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 5


“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Basically after completing our moral inventory of step 4 of the 12-step program the program strongly recommends that we now share the content of that step with another person.   Our first thought might be that the only possible purpose of doing this is to ask for forgiveness and to be assigned an appropriate penance.  In certain religious traditions this might be the case.  The 12-step program of spiritual growth may be unique in not suggesting or requiring that one ask for forgiveness.  In the 12 tradition of the AA program it is stated very clearly that:  “The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”  We can easily substitute our particular impediments to being the best that we can be.  As previously mentioned that can be shame, an addiction to a substance, power, sex or some other person, place or thing, or some other “reason” we have internalized for deciding we are unworthy.   

Many individual do not do the 5th step because they continue to hold on to the belief that they are worse then or their behaviors have been worse then or are more shameful then that of others and, thus, are unforgivable.  It is as if many of we humans have this excel spread sheet on which we detail the list of possible ways we hurt ourselves, others and mother earth and have assigned a point value to each deed.  The excel program, once we enter the daily data for all of us, will add up the points and gives us our shame or sin score. 

This is not the purpose of the 5th step.  The basic purpose of the 5th step is to find out that we can be loved – that we are not more than or less than anyone else.   Although in later steps it will be recommended that we make amends when it would not cause further harm, it is only through acceptance of our equal humanness that we are able to move forward.

The early Greeks, including Plato stated very clearly that it was important to “know thyself”.  In fact nearly every important philosopher or spiritual teacher has made the same recommendations.

We cannot accept ourselves without knowing ourselves.  When we cannot accept ourselves we cannot allow others close to us.  When we cannot allow others close we cannot love others. 

Recently I was listening again to an interview with Matthew Sanford, the yoga teacher who has been paralyzed and in a wheelchair since age 13.  He says” When our mind separates from our body we become more destructive.  The more aware of our body we are the more compassionate we are able to be.”  Mr. Sanford is often teaching/inviting individuals who have been gravely injured, and perhaps paralyzed, that healing involves facing one’s trauma(s) and accepting one’s body without allowing the disability to define one (my wording).   Much of Mr. Sanford’s strength and thus ability derives from listening carefully to his body – his pain as well as the “silence” and the “sounds” with which his body communicates to him.  He is not shameful of his body, but he also does not pretend as if it is different than it is.   Once, following the accident, which left him paralyzed, he broke his leg while doing yoga because he was not listening to and accepting his body.

Knowing ourselves and accepting ourselves does not mean we need to be shameful. We may indeed be remorseful when we realize how badly we humans can hurt each other.  If we have had a serious illness, which affected our thought and, thus, our decision-making ability, such as addiction, we may have been very cruel.  We could have been traumatized in other ways and thereby become disconnected from our body. We may have thought that by attempting to run away from the knowledge about our human ability to be so hurtful or to engage in behavior, which is not otherwise consistent with our values, we could endure or survive this life journey more effectively.    Sadly, the opposite happens. The more we run from ourselves the more we distance ourselves and the more we are likely to project the judgment of ourselves onto others.  This often results in being cruel to ourselves and to others.

When we do a thorough moral inventory and we share it with another who understands the purpose of the 5th step, we find a “welcome home” embrace.  The most common reaction of the person with whom one is sharing is, “is that all? Oh! Okay!”  I have known and worked with/for individuals who have returned to addictions or other harmful behavior because they decided that their “sin” was too embarrassing or shameful to share. Some, out of desperation, finally shared their secret “sin”.   People have shared with me sexual behavior, which was not consistent with their values, multiples abortions, or even murder.  My response is always the same, “Welcome home.”   This means for me, “Welcome home to the human race.  We all know that we humans are capable of enormous cruelty, especially when we do not have any self love or self respect.”  We know that we cannot love others who are but a reflection of us until we first love ourselves.

I use the phase welcome home because it symbolizes what all of we humans want no matter how often we have told ourselves that we don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval.  

When that fellow Jesus met up with Judas, the tax collector or the prostitute, he did not question or chide them. He opened his arms, gave them a kiss and directly or indirectly said, “Welcome home”.  If we carefully choose the person with whom we are going to share our deepest secrets they are going to say, “welcome home”.

I have previously shared the story of Father Pat and Mary.  Mary was nearing the end of her life journey.  She had been raised Catholic and belonged to the parish which included the area where my home office was.  Mary was not then living in that parish.  Mary had also not been to church in a very long time and was not even sure she believed in God. Still, a part of her wanted to have a Catholic funeral in the church in which she had grown up.  Fortunately, I knew the current senior priest at that Church and suggested that Mary go see him and just tell him what she had told me.   She called, made an appointment and told him what she had told me about her doubts and wishes.  He simply said to her, “Welcome home Mary.”   That was the response I expected him to give but it still brought tears to my eyes.  In less than a week I was attending the funeral of Mary in that church. Officiating was Father Pat.

The purpose of the 5th step is to  welcomes ourselves home to the human race and to accept the welcome home of one other person.  This will lead to us being welcomed by many and being welcoming to many.

12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 4

Step 4 in the AA Big Book is:  “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

In my work with myself and with those recovering from addiction to alcohol, other drugs, power, money, religion or any other idea, thing or substance it is step 4 which is often the stumbling block – the place in the recovery/growing/healing process where folks run back to a more comfortable place.

As with all the steps, various 12-step programs and various sponsors within the program use a variety of formats for guiding folks through the initial process of doing step 4.  I personally appreciate the 12-steps study work sheets from the AA Big Book Study Workshops.   This is probably because I am a very organized and detailed person. I also found that looking at myself and all the ways that I fail to live up to the values I admire and wish to emulate is a daunting task.  Having a step-by-step guide is helpful to me.   If, however, you are one of those individuals who has a difficult time staying focused on small steps towards a goal, you might want to start out with a more general moral inventory.    The Big Book also offers guidance  regarding  prayers or meditations which can be used with all the steps.

The Big  Book lists definitions used when approaching the 4th step. These are

These are, as best as I can, the definitions used for the fourth step. It is worth noting that they are not always the definitions that are used in everyday and conversational language. What we are trying to do here is to put in words the self-centered impulses and feelings (the different forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity) that cause our resentments and fears. So as long as we do that as consistently and honestly as we can, we will be fine.

Self-centeredness: thinking of myself excessively and not giving due regard to others.

Pride: worrying about what people think of us — what would they think of me if they knew? How could he do that to the great me?

Self-pity: feeling down about my own situation. This is usually the defect that we feel most directly. It's the one that lets us know that we have a resentment -- poor me! It is not possible to feel pride and self-pity without it being due to Self-centeredness After all, I can't be feeling down about my situation (self-pity) if I am trying to think of others first; similarly, I can't be worrying about how others view me (pride) if I am not thinking about myself. This is why these three come together, they "hunt in a pack", as it were.

Jealousy: resenting affection that is given to others -- I am jealous of Fred because Mary fancies him and she doesn't fancy me.

Envy: wanting what rightfully belongs to others, their possessions, their abilities -- I am envious of Fred's Mercedes and his good looks. (But in this case I am still jealous of him as well because Mary fancies him and not me.)

Dishonesty: the conventional use of not being honest (lying, cheating, stealing). There are additional meanings that are not a used in everyday language, but are used commonly in the fourth step -- if I resent someone else for something that I have done myself it is dishonest (hypocrisy or self-delusion). We can extend that further: even if I Hadn't done what I had resented him for, then in almost every case we can say: "There but for the grace of God go I." In other words, if the positions were reversed and I had been through everything that person had been through in life, that I would not do the same, we might refer to this as a sort of potential hypocrisy. There are certain situations where this would not apply: we cannot ever put ourselves in God's position. So, other things being equal, if we resented God we would not include dishonesty.

Selfishness: not being prepared to let others have some of what is mine (material goods, time). NB if we are just thinking of ourselves, that is self-centeredness and not selfishness.

Greed: when I have what I need yet I want more. Refers to material possessions.

Gluttony: greed for food and drink (including alcohol).

Lust: a selfish desire for sex.

Arrogance: knowing better than my equals (not minding my own business, telling people who have not asked me and over whom I have no authority, what to do) or thinking I am the equal of my betters (not accepting the authority of those I should -- parents, bosses at work, teachers when I am at school). Also making judgments on the morality (rights and wrongs) of people's behavior is arrogance, because ultimately only God (or the judicial system) is entitled to do that.

Intolerance: not putting up qualities, in others that they cannot help -- he is ugly; I don't like her accent; I don't like the English; I don't like the working/middle/upper class; I don't like his or her skin color/race/nationality. Intolerance is not used for when we don't like someone's behavior (see 'arrogance').

Impatience: I am fed up with waiting (bus queues, she hasn't returned my telephone call yet).

Sloth: laziness, procrastination.

Mercy!   This  is a lot.  These are just the list of definition but the implication is, of  course, that in doing a 4th step we will be looking at these “character defects” – these very human traits which get in the way of achieving our goals of being a  person of whom we can be proud.

If one goggles the site: step12.com, one will can download all of the guides and worksheets for doing a complete 4th step. The guides/worksheets are broken down into:

      4th Step guide instructions

      4th Step resentment worksheet

      4th Step fears worksheet

      4th Step sex conduct worksheet

      4th Step harm to others worksheet

Each of the worksheets is broken down into columns. For example, the resentful worksheet has the following columns:  I am resentful (of/about); Cause; What part of self was hurt or threatened (i. e. self-esteem, pride, pocketbook); Where was I to blame?

One could, of course, spend hours, days, weeks or a lifetime completing these worksheets.   Personally, I need to be careful that  (1) I do not get bogged down in detail and (2) that I am as honest as I can be but not shameful.

My clear understanding and the way I use the 4th step is for healing and not to shame myself or to beat myself up  The basic purpose of doing this step is to realize  that my behavior affects me and other people and that I have the power to treat myself and other better. Another way of saying this is that when I settle for short-term gratification by using another for sex, money, or some other temporary personal gain, I separate myself from (1) that which is the essential part of me  and (2) the connection with others (and the universe in general) and (3) from the God of my understanding.

Let’s for a moment look at resentment.    Resentments often seem justified. Other people/other humans do, in fact take advantage of me at times, treat me as less then, or directly harm me physically or emotionally.  Sometimes this happens no matter how well I try to treat others. It is easy for me to focus on what a terrible, non-spiritual, low life, piece of scum “these people” are. The question I have to then ask myself is, “When have I been inconsiderate, hurtful, or in some way treated another person as less then?”  If you are like me,  many instances will rather quickly come to mind.  The other person’s behavior then is a mirror for when I am hurtful.  Does this make me a terrible person who deserves to be tarred and feathered? No.  In fact, if I start beating up on myself I will again become self-focused and am more likely to be hurtful to another or at least ignore the needs of others (Sorry, I am too busy beating up on myself to notice your need.)

The primary goal of step 4 is to realize that when I do not take care of myself I behave in ways which are not consistent with my values or with creating a more just and loving world.  In the case  of the person who has been addicted to alcohol or other drugs, it is easy to see how the drug affected one’s ability to think.  Further, when using/abusing alcohol or other drugs, one probably was not eating well, exercising, or otherwise taking care of self.  The brain is not going to make good decisions when it is deprived of essential ingredients for fuel.    It is also true, however, that even if one does not have an addiction to alcohol or another drug, one can easily get very busy and forget to take care of oneself physically, nutritionally, emotionally, and spiritually.  One can easily get overly focused on a task and not notice that my neighbor is bleeding.  One can get worn out and begin to feel as if others are responsible for me not having a good life. One becomes resentful, blame, isolate, and then look for temporary  relief even if it means saying a mean word or otherwise treating myself or you as less then. This is what we humans do .  This is what all of we humans do. 

I find that each time I do a 4th step, I discover more ways in which I have hurt myself or others; more habits which get in the way of behaving in the way I aspire to behave.   Pema Chodron, a spiritual teacher, talks about first discovering that she can lose it when her beloved six-year-old granddaughter visits for the weekend. Not only that she can notice herself wanting to bargain with her granddaughter to keep  grandma’s behavior a secret.  She realizes that she does not want to admit that this internationally admired spiritual teacher loses it with a beloved six-year-old.  Of course, she then tells on herself because it is a wonderful example of the fact that even if, as is true for this Buddhist nun,  we meditate or pray for hours every day we are going to have these human moments.  If we become shameful and try to cover up these moments we will become self-obsessed, stressed, and be more likely to do something else for which we shame ourselves.

Doing a 4th step is a part of the process of freeing ourselves to begin to come closer to being the person we want to be; to making choices which allow us to be intentional about how we want to be today.

12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 3

Step 3 of the 12 step AA program is:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

For many people that I know, this step has been a stumbling block which prevents them from moving forward.  The term god, for many people, is one which comes with a lot of negative baggage.   The use of the male pronoun is also a negative for many. I have worked with/for individuals who could not get past their disappointment and anger at the “god” with whom they had been raised. This “god” was an angry, dictatorial, father figure who was forever reminding them of all ways that they messed up.  This was a god of judgment and punishment.  Even those coming from a so-called Christian background had not ‘heard’ the of love and forgivness which was embodied in the figure of Jesus.

I recall one client, in particular, who obsessed and obsessed on this step to the extent that he got so miserable he relapsed.  One day he was complaining  to the physician he saw, Dr. Virginia Hofreuter –Dulaney , and she said to him, “Oh for heavens sake, John, just called it a shoebox. The point is that the 12-step program is a “we” program  of people who will help each other make healthy choices.”  Dr. Ginny, as she was affectionately known, was a devout and very practical Christian. She often helped individuals open to new understandings of spirituality. Her higher power was not sensitive about what he/she/it was called. 

What Ginny was attempting to get John to focus on was the fact that none of we humans can effectively do this spiritual journey alone.  We will have times of feeling confused, weak, lonely and vulnerable to the temptation to seek what the program calls “a softer, easier way.”   All too often, the “softer, easier way” is a very temporary solution which leaves a lot of garbage in its wake.  

It seems as if we humans often believe that we need to know the “right” answers - that we have to make decisions without asking for directions.  Many of we men (and some women) hate asking for directions.  We believe that somehow our intelligence or worth is dependent on not having to ask for directions particularly in the area of emotional and spiritual development.  We may get fearful of letting others see  that we are vulnerable, sometimes weak, and ignorant. By ignorant I mean that none of us have all the answers we need to lead a healthy, rich, fulfilling life.  

Even though I have certainly been guilty of not asking for help when I needed it, especially for physical jobs, I have always had wise mentors in my life. Sometimes these mentors were long deceased people such as Plato, Aristotle, the Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickinson, my Uncle Harold, Wanda, my grandmother Pickett, or any number of other generous people. Sometimes it was a colleague, or a client (it is true that the student is the teacher and the teacher is a student).  Whether I believe a higher power was speaking through a mentor or just that some people had something I wanted did not matter. What mattered was that, even as a very insecure, probably obnoxious young man, I “knew” that I needed the support and advice of others.

Some would suggest that what we are really hearing when we listen to the advice of others is the wise person within us that we cannot hear until we get the distance of listening to someone else. Sometimes just writing something down gives me some of the distance I need. Some would say that the wise voice from another  or deep within ourselves is the voice of the God of our understanding which is always available when we listen.

Regardless of one’s individual belief, the fact is that I frequently need help in seeing other possibilities or a more expansive view of the world or myself.   My feelings of fear, anxiety, and general discomfort may be so great that I get convinced that I have to do whatever it takes to quiet those feelings. One might engage in addictive behavior such as  alcohol, other drugs, work, anger,  other self-abuse or abuse of others, or dissociation.  One might start taking out one’s frustration and anger on others. One might try some other way of numbing out so that one does not have to deal with the feelings which seem so overwhelming.  Reaching out to another for support and guidance can often help one get over the hump, so to speak.

Part of the basic philosophy of the 12-step program is that one joins with others struggling with the same issue to get help and to give help. Sometimes individuals recovering from addiction or other “dis eases” start feeling better and forget that others need their help or that they continue to need guidance.  That is a common mistake of many of we humans.  Whether getting well involves prayer, meetings, medication or some other help, we humans have a habit of stopping as soon as we are feeling better no matter what “the doctor” has advised or prescribed. 

It may be that we do not want to reach out for help because we are still  getting some pleasure from our overall unhealthy behavior or are convincing ourselves that if we just keep engaging in that behavior we will eventually feel “the high” for which we are hoping.  A wonderful young woman I know who has a rich spiritual history is refusing to use her spiritual tools because she does not want to face the fact that the person with whom she is in love is not available and may not be available for a long time.   Someone else that I know has convinced himself that if the stress of his unhealthy job will not disable him before he is financially ready to leave.   

All of us need a support system of people who love us unconditionally and love us enough to tell us when we are having a “stupid” attack. We all have them! There is no shame in having a “stupid” attack. There is a price to be paid for not having or not listening to “the God of our understanding – good orderly advice – when we may least feel like we want to hear that advice.

Often the addict coming into recovery has hit bottom meaning that they have lost a relationship(s), a job, all their money,  physical health, and self-respect. They are desperate and may be willing to trust a sponsor or the God of their understanding. Sometimes those of us who have not hit our bottom – whose lives do not seem terrible yet – convince ourselves that we are getting away with some unhealthy behavior.    We can continue to overwork even though it is causing more and more distance with our family. We may continue to smoke cigarettes even though all our family and friends show us the latest research about how risky it is. We may continue to engage in risky sexual behavior because we can now take medication to treat most sexually transmitted diseases or take some action if there is a chance of pregnancy.

We humans are very capable of convincing ourselves of what a part of us wants to believe.  Often we want to believe that we are the exception to the rule. We are going to be that person who wins back all the money we have lost when gambling. We are that person who can starve themselves to lose weight and stay healthy. We are that person who can wait until the last minute to finish projects or school assignments and still do well.  There is no end to the lies of which we so-called bright, high functioning people can convince ourselves.   It is only through paying attention to our mentor, sponsor, good friend, the wiser part of ourselves – the “God” of our understanding when we pray, that we are going to “hear” the truth.

When we turn our will and our lives over to the God of our understanding we are essentially admitting to our humanness – to the fact that this amazing mind of ours can, when left  to its own devices – convince us of whatever we want to believe. 

For some of us it takes great strength and courage to admit to our humanness. For others it seems easier.   We need to help each other and to accept help from each other. Whether we believe that the prime or ultimate source of that help is a literal God/supreme being/entity or the wise part of ourselves which often gives better advice to others than we give ourselves or another person or group may not matter.  It is enough to know that the wisdom of step 3 of the 12-step program applies to all of we humans.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

written September 8, 2015

Step 2 of the 12 step AA program is: 

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The great paradox of life for many of us is that at the time when our mind is working least well, at a time when our actual brain is not able to conjure up a logical thought because of the effects of alcohol, other drugs, beliefs which we have practiced telling ourselves often for a long time,  at a time when we often cannot tell a logical thought from an illogical thought; at a time, in other words, when our thinking fits the definition of insanity we  are to make a sane decision to admit to our insanity and then to believe that some power  can restore us to sanity.

Perhaps we first need to clarify what we mean by insanity. A often quoted definition is: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.  If one goggles this definition one will find that sometimes this definition is attributed to Albert Einstein and other times it is attributed to someone else.  I can find no concrete evidence that anyone really knows who first coined this definition.   The fact is, however, that it is a definition which often makes sense to a great many people. Certainly in the case of harmful behavior such as addiction, trying to “fix” another person such as an unhealthy partner, or trying over and over again to make something work which clearly is not designed to work is indeed insane. 

One could, of course,  use the legal definition of insanity.  The legaldictionary.com defines insanity as:  "A defendant is insane within the meaning of the law if, at the time of the alleged criminal conduct, as a result of mental disease or defect, he lacked substantial capacity to conform his conduct to the requirements of the law or to appreciate the wrongfulness of his conduct."   Each state in the United States and each country in the universe may have a slightly different legal definition of insanity, but  it always involves, to some degree, the  inability  to change his or her behavior to conform to the requirement of the law or the inability to appreciate the insanity of his or her insanity.   Often, in the case of addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, or other substances or behavior one knows that one’s behavior is insane but the power of the addiction is so powerful that one is unable to make a different choice.

Yet, something has to happen to force the individual to accept:

·      The insanity of his or her behavior

·      The inability to make a more rational choice by themselves.

·      The possibility, however remote it may seem, that something or someone can help restore one to sanity.

As we will see in the original 12step program, Alcoholic Anonymous, this power is, in Step 3, referred to the God of our understanding.  Using the term God presents its own set of issues for many people.   I will discuss this issue in the  discussion of step 3.  For the purposes of step 2, it is enough to accept the possibility that something or someone can restore help us begin to make more behavioral choices which leads to different results than the seemingly self-imposed, self-destructiveness of relying just on  the information or the sequence of  synapse connections in our brain.

Recently, I was reading a Pat Conroy novel where an individual was deciding to attend a military academy or college where one agrees to subject oneself to the complete authority of the upper classmen and women and the staff of that institution.  I can certainly attest to the fact that once one has agreed or been coerced to attending such an institution, one is not allowed to make any decision or to publicly hold an opinion which is different than that of those in charge.  The decision to attend such an institution could certainly be considered “coming to believe that a power greater than oneself can restore one to sanity” except in this case, it may be assumed that one possessed no logical thought prior to being told what is logical or sane.  To a lesser extent,  the same is true of anyone who becomes a member of the military service.  There are those individuals who have willingly or unwilling agreed to subject themselves to this sort of higher authority! It may be pure fear which directs their behavior but, at least temporarily, and, at times, for life, one’s thinking does change.

At any rate, either out of desperation or because one has witnessed a change in someone’s behavior, one decides to trust something or someone outside  for help in exploring a different thinking process.   

Many individuals I have known come to realize that their unhappiness in their job or profession is adversely affecting the life and health of their family even though they have told themselves they are doing this work for their family.  They come home every night angry and depressed. They and their families are miserable. Yet, they cannot think their way into a new option. They have to reach outside of themselves.  They take the risk of  that some person or agency who specializes in such situations can help them or they ask their pastor to pray with them or they begin to read a book or ...  The point is that they take the risk of believing that there might be a better way to live their best thinking telling them that they are trapped.

Daily I am faced with admitting that I do not know an answer  and if I insist on relying on my own thinking the results are not going to be attractive. The issue may be  admitting I need to ask for directions or that I cannot repair something in the house myself.  More than once I have, without any expertise, tackled a project only to make the problem worse than it was in the beginning.  My thinking that I can, without knowledge or skill, do some complicated project is insane!  

In Step 3 we will further explore how to go about deciding who or what to ask for help, but we cannot do that until we decide that what we are doing is not working and  that we are willing to take the risk to looking outside of ourselves and our current skills.

Soren Krkengaard, the Danish Christian philosopher and theologian, and others have talked  about the leap of faith. This is step 2 – that leap of faith that help is available; that it is okay to ask for help.

Written September 8, 2015