Assertive versus Passive aggressive
This morning I opened an email from someone with whom I am having a frustrating business relationship. Even though I believed that I was being assertive when I communicated with him, he accused me of being passive aggressive. Whenever someone makes such an accusation I believe I need to stand back and allow for the possibility that the accusation is true. Certainly, I am capable of reacting in anger at times, although this is not the legacy I want to leave. This person is my only contact for this business matter, although there are several other individuals and companies involved. The business relationship has dragged on far longer than I expected and seems to have involved a variety of factors resulting in a significant delay in the completion of this business. I am very frustrated because:
· I have no control over the situation unless I just cancel the transaction and start the process all over which would likely take longer than just waiting to see what happens in this case.
· The delay is likely to cost me what seems like a significant amount of money even though I think I have done all I could to insure the prompt and efficient completion of this transaction.
· It seems that some of the people involved have not performed their part in a timely and professional manner.
As I review the above I am aware that:
· Although I do not like to admit it, I do not always do well when I have to let go of control. I like to think that if I do my part then action X should lead to result Y. Although I have many opportunities to accept my lack of control, I continue to allow myself to act as if I “should” have control.
· The amount of money, although considerable in my budget, will not cause me to be to be homeless, without food, or without anything else essential. In the scheme of things, it is not that important.
· All of us make mistakes. I may like to think that I am normally efficient and well organized, but I might have neglected to do tasks in a timely manner.
·
The web site mysahana.org has a September 17, 2014 article lists the symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior. The person writing this article summarized them well. They are:
1. Vagueness and generalities
2. Forgetfulness/memory-lapses (intentional)
3. Blaming and refusal to take responsibility
4. Always playing the victim
5. Lack of anger (aggressive behavior behind a mask of passive behavior)
6. Sulking
Once I had reviewed these symptoms I reread all my correspondence with this person for the past couple of days. I noted:
· I was not vague. I was very clear about what was bothering me.
· I did not pretend he had not told me something he had told me.
· I did say that I had given him and others involved all the information at the very beginning of our business relationship.
· I did indicate that there was nothing else I could have done to facilitate this matter. This could be interrupted as me being the victim.
· I was very clear that I was “beyond frustrated.” I do not think that could be construed as lack of anger.
· Nothing I said indicated that I was quietly sulking. I was direct in letting him know that others could be found to do this job if they cannot do it. I did not mean that as a threat but simply as a statement of fact.
I also noted that the communication yesterday occurred when I wrote to ask if I needed to be available at a certain time today because the closing of the deal was to take place today. I had not been informed of the fact that it was not going to happen today. I did ask, “Was anyone going to communicate this information to me?” I suppose that this could have been construed as passive aggressive although it sounded angry to me.
My review revealed I was being assertive and not passive aggressive but obviously that is not how the person interrupted my communication.
I did communicate to this person this morning that it was not my intention to be passive aggressive. At the same time when someone accuses me of some negative behavior I think it is my responsibility to attempt to examine the possibility that, in fact, they are right and I need to both make amends and do what I can to prevent this from happening in the future.
In Plato’s Apology Socrates uttered at his trial for impiety and corrupting youth, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Self-examination – sometimes with the help of others – is, I believe, an essential part of growth. It is not done with the intention of covering myself with “sackcloth and ashes” but with the intention of identifying thoughts and behaviors which are not consistent with the legacy I want to leave. It is not, in other words, a high drama process but it does need to be done with sincerity and humility.
When someone makes an accusation, I want to avoid the often strong temptation to self-righteously discount their assertion. Only in this way can I continue to grow.
I also want to keep in mind that even if I and whatever mentor I am consulting that day, determined that the accusation was false, another truth may be that the other person honestly “heard” it as a negative behavior. I can always let the person know that I am sorry that they received it as negative, unkind behavior. Thus, it was appropriate for me to let this person know I felt bad that they received what I said as passive aggressive and that I did not consciously intend it that way.
Written September 20, 2016
This morning I opened an email from someone with whom I am having a frustrating business relationship. Even though I believed that I was being assertive when I communicated with him, he accused me of being passive aggressive. Whenever someone makes such an accusation I believe I need to stand back and allow for the possibility that the accusation is true. Certainly, I am capable of reacting in anger at times, although this is not the legacy I want to leave. This person is my only contact for this business matter, although there are several other individuals and companies involved. The business relationship has dragged on far longer than I expected and seems to have involved a variety of factors resulting in a significant delay in the completion of this business. I am very frustrated because:
· I have no control over the situation unless I just cancel the transaction and start the process all over which would likely take longer than just waiting to see what happens in this case.
· The delay is likely to cost me what seems like a significant amount of money even though I think I have done all I could to insure the prompt and efficient completion of this transaction.
· It seems that some of the people involved have not performed their part in a timely and professional manner.
As I review the above I am aware that:
· Although I do not like to admit it, I do not always do well when I have to let go of control. I like to think that if I do my part then action X should lead to result Y. Although I have many opportunities to accept my lack of control, I continue to allow myself to act as if I “should” have control.
· The amount of money, although considerable in my budget, will not cause me to be to be homeless, without food, or without anything else essential. In the scheme of things, it is not that important.
· All of us make mistakes. I may like to think that I am normally efficient and well organized, but I might have neglected to do tasks in a timely manner.
·
The web site mysahana.org has a September 17, 2014 article lists the symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior. The person writing this article summarized them well. They are:
1. Vagueness and generalities
2. Forgetfulness/memory-lapses (intentional)
3. Blaming and refusal to take responsibility
4. Always playing the victim
5. Lack of anger (aggressive behavior behind a mask of passive behavior)
6. Sulking
Once I had reviewed these symptoms I reread all my correspondence with this person for the past couple of days. I noted:
· I was not vague. I was very clear about what was bothering me.
· I did not pretend he had not told me something he had told me.
· I did say that I had given him and others involved all the information at the very beginning of our business relationship.
· I did indicate that there was nothing else I could have done to facilitate this matter. This could be interrupted as me being the victim.
· I was very clear that I was “beyond frustrated.” I do not think that could be construed as lack of anger.
· Nothing I said indicated that I was quietly sulking. I was direct in letting him know that others could be found to do this job if they cannot do it. I did not mean that as a threat but simply as a statement of fact.
I also noted that the communication yesterday occurred when I wrote to ask if I needed to be available at a certain time today because the closing of the deal was to take place today. I had not been informed of the fact that it was not going to happen today. I did ask, “Was anyone going to communicate this information to me?” I suppose that this could have been construed as passive aggressive although it sounded angry to me.
My review revealed I was being assertive and not passive aggressive but obviously that is not how the person interrupted my communication.
I did communicate to this person this morning that it was not my intention to be passive aggressive. At the same time when someone accuses me of some negative behavior I think it is my responsibility to attempt to examine the possibility that, in fact, they are right and I need to both make amends and do what I can to prevent this from happening in the future.
In Plato’s Apology Socrates uttered at his trial for impiety and corrupting youth, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Self-examination – sometimes with the help of others – is, I believe, an essential part of growth. It is not done with the intention of covering myself with “sackcloth and ashes” but with the intention of identifying thoughts and behaviors which are not consistent with the legacy I want to leave. It is not, in other words, a high drama process but it does need to be done with sincerity and humility.
When someone makes an accusation, I want to avoid the often strong temptation to self-righteously discount their assertion. Only in this way can I continue to grow.
I also want to keep in mind that even if I and whatever mentor I am consulting that day, determined that the accusation was false, another truth may be that the other person honestly “heard” it as a negative behavior. I can always let the person know that I am sorry that they received it as negative, unkind behavior. Thus, it was appropriate for me to let this person know I felt bad that they received what I said as passive aggressive and that I did not consciously intend it that way.
Written September 20, 2016
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