Big girl and big boy pants
As a counselor I think a lot about how to inspire and help others claim their strength and power without confusing that process with putting on the costumes of the stereotypes of masculine and feminine. All who know me also know that I attempt to explore this process with a large dose of humor. It is my experience that us humans are amazing, dumb, brilliant, strong, cowardly, weak, fearful, and courageous. Often, we are different people in different roles. We may even have a costume for each role. I am no exception. I have a gym costume, a work costume, a chore costume and many more. Each costume accurately reflects a part of me, but none define me. If I begin to confuse my costume with who I am I will feel weak, empty, disconnected and lonely. I may attempt to blame other people, places and situations for my “dis ease”.
I was thinking about this topic before I listened to this week’s podcast of On Being featuring host Krista Tippett, Olympic soccer medalist Abby Wambach and writer/activities Glennon Doyle. The title given to this podcast is “Un-becoming”. Mrs. Doyle and Wamback have fascinating individual stories and stories of life as a married couple who are raising children. Their stories are about the courage to keep growing; the courage to let go of shame; the courage to face new challenges. I urge the reader to listen to the podcast. Listening to it fed my thoughts about what I am referring to as putting on big girl and big boy pants; what these women call courage or the process of claiming our courage.
Ms. Doyle is a person in recovery for addiction to alcohol. Her early experience with courage took place first in deciding to recover and then in claiming the often seemingly opposing qualities of courage and vulnerability. Mrs. Wambach had own demons although, on the surface as an Olympic star she may have seemed to have it all.
The first step of the 12-step program is about claiming the courage to admit that one is powerless over alcohol, another drug or some other addictive substance or behavior. Ironically by claiming that one is powerless one takes the first step in becoming powerful.
As one then proceeds to the next steps of the 12-step program one discovered that reclaiming one’s life/one’s personhood requires that one claim the courage to be vulnerable – to be naked. Coming to terms with one’s pain and often the feeling of shame for some of one’s past ways of hurting oneself and others; for just being oneself, is a major step towards claiming one’s strength.
My mother, bless her heart, was extremely shameful of the fact that we were poor and we children often wore patched or even homemade clothes. Her shame often led to anger which led to attempting to prove that she was worthwhile or a good as others. In her case, she did accomplish a lot. In many respects she was an amazing woman. Yet, her anger and attempt to prove herself left her vulnerable to being alone and lonely. Had she been able to let go of the shame she would have enjoyed quiet strength and felt the love she so deserved and wanted.
When I am working for/with clients my goal is often to support them in facing their pain and their shame so that they can more fully claim their strength. When I suggest they put on their big girl and big boy pants I am attempting to reassure them that beneath the shame and the vulnerability of being human is the strength to claim the dance which is theirs alone to choreograph and dance. Fortunately, one does not need to go shopping for these pants. We all have them. We only need to courage to be vulnerable enough to wear them.
Written January 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
As a counselor I think a lot about how to inspire and help others claim their strength and power without confusing that process with putting on the costumes of the stereotypes of masculine and feminine. All who know me also know that I attempt to explore this process with a large dose of humor. It is my experience that us humans are amazing, dumb, brilliant, strong, cowardly, weak, fearful, and courageous. Often, we are different people in different roles. We may even have a costume for each role. I am no exception. I have a gym costume, a work costume, a chore costume and many more. Each costume accurately reflects a part of me, but none define me. If I begin to confuse my costume with who I am I will feel weak, empty, disconnected and lonely. I may attempt to blame other people, places and situations for my “dis ease”.
I was thinking about this topic before I listened to this week’s podcast of On Being featuring host Krista Tippett, Olympic soccer medalist Abby Wambach and writer/activities Glennon Doyle. The title given to this podcast is “Un-becoming”. Mrs. Doyle and Wamback have fascinating individual stories and stories of life as a married couple who are raising children. Their stories are about the courage to keep growing; the courage to let go of shame; the courage to face new challenges. I urge the reader to listen to the podcast. Listening to it fed my thoughts about what I am referring to as putting on big girl and big boy pants; what these women call courage or the process of claiming our courage.
Ms. Doyle is a person in recovery for addiction to alcohol. Her early experience with courage took place first in deciding to recover and then in claiming the often seemingly opposing qualities of courage and vulnerability. Mrs. Wambach had own demons although, on the surface as an Olympic star she may have seemed to have it all.
The first step of the 12-step program is about claiming the courage to admit that one is powerless over alcohol, another drug or some other addictive substance or behavior. Ironically by claiming that one is powerless one takes the first step in becoming powerful.
As one then proceeds to the next steps of the 12-step program one discovered that reclaiming one’s life/one’s personhood requires that one claim the courage to be vulnerable – to be naked. Coming to terms with one’s pain and often the feeling of shame for some of one’s past ways of hurting oneself and others; for just being oneself, is a major step towards claiming one’s strength.
My mother, bless her heart, was extremely shameful of the fact that we were poor and we children often wore patched or even homemade clothes. Her shame often led to anger which led to attempting to prove that she was worthwhile or a good as others. In her case, she did accomplish a lot. In many respects she was an amazing woman. Yet, her anger and attempt to prove herself left her vulnerable to being alone and lonely. Had she been able to let go of the shame she would have enjoyed quiet strength and felt the love she so deserved and wanted.
When I am working for/with clients my goal is often to support them in facing their pain and their shame so that they can more fully claim their strength. When I suggest they put on their big girl and big boy pants I am attempting to reassure them that beneath the shame and the vulnerability of being human is the strength to claim the dance which is theirs alone to choreograph and dance. Fortunately, one does not need to go shopping for these pants. We all have them. We only need to courage to be vulnerable enough to wear them.
Written January 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
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