Both and
Us humans often seem to get caught in the attachment to one opinion, one view of reality, or one way of doing something. This phenomenon is particularly noticeable in the body politic, whether with legislative bodies, church organizations or other institutions. Of course, most of us have also born witness to this reality in our family of origin and family of choice.
I was reminded of this phenomenon while listening to a journalist on public radio reporting on the history of how we in the United States dealt with the HIV epidemic. In the beginning it was the AIDS epidemic. Many of us spent an inordinate amount of time in the funeral homes or shouting, begging, demanding that someone in a position of authority even utter the word AIDS and epidemic; someone in a position of authority acknowledge that sons and some daughters were dying of what was then euphemistically known as the gay plague. In the midst of this anguish several things happened:
Activists - many of whom were members of the LGBT community - began to talk about those living with AIDS versus those dying with AIDS.
Communities began to organize AIDS tasks forces which helped find access to health
care, supplies meals and hold hands. They also began the buddy program which
assigned a volunteer to help with practical issues including cleaning, grocery shopping
and tons of loving support.
The AIDS quilt project started when biological and intentional family members created
quilt squares to memorialize those who had died of AIDS. The initial quilt pieces were
often angry shouts saying “Notice our brothers and sisters.” Eventually many mothers
began to donate quilt pieces denoting many happy memories with symbols of the
achievements of the child they had lost.
The community often operated as one and, as is often true for any family also fought over what action they should be taking. Even with the quilt there were those who thought the message needed to be consistently angry and not one of happy memories.
One can hear the same chorus of opinions about the covid pandemic. “Blame the Chinese. Don’t trust the vaccine. Take covid seriously. It kills. Don’t worry, it is no worse than the flue. Lockdown. Don’t lockdown. Wear masks. Don’t wear masks.”
One can observe the same dynamic towards a variety of other issues including:
Immigrations or refugee? Criminals or victims? Givers or takers.
Mental illness or taking responsibility.
My reality vs your reality.
My religion vs your religion. Our religion vs their religion.
Race versus social construct.
Sexual orientation choice versus accepting who one is.
I am sure all the readers of this blog could add pages of items to this list.
Very often one finds that in any setting we can move to problem solving if we are willing to acknowledge two or more versions of the truth. Even with such emotional issues as racism it is easy to get caught in an argument. A friend of mine says, there is no racism in this community. It is true that in her world and in her mind there is a no admittance to racist views or other action. It is equally true that in my world and my mind I cannot go 24 hours without personally witnessing an example of behavior I experience as racist. Both realities are true. If one keeps one’s world small enough one may not witness racist attitudes or behavior. The same is true for a host of other issues.
Although it is true that none of us can truly walk in the shoes of another, we can invite and accept invitations to walk with another. The emotions depicted in the AIDS quilt demonstrate this. The angry quilt panels screamed “notice that people are dying. Do Something. We are worth saving.” The seemingly happy panels cried, “This was my child who laughed, played, sang, dances, loved, cried and brought joy to our hearts. Please quit erasing his or hyper humaneness because of who he or she loved.” This was essentially the same message as the angry panels depicted.
We often talk about victims and perpetrators and, yet social science studies consistently validate that most perpetrators are victims and most victims will go on to perpetrate in some manner. It is true that some perpetrators - perhaps even most - are not consciously aware of the relationship between their arrogant righteous anger and their pain. Those still in active addiction may only know they “must” find ways and means to get more; to feed the compulsion in their head. They may not know the source of pain which may have led them to seek numbness or disconnectedness.
Perhaps our modern technology invites us to gingerly step towards a world which is not “either or” but “both and”.
Written April 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
Us humans often seem to get caught in the attachment to one opinion, one view of reality, or one way of doing something. This phenomenon is particularly noticeable in the body politic, whether with legislative bodies, church organizations or other institutions. Of course, most of us have also born witness to this reality in our family of origin and family of choice.
I was reminded of this phenomenon while listening to a journalist on public radio reporting on the history of how we in the United States dealt with the HIV epidemic. In the beginning it was the AIDS epidemic. Many of us spent an inordinate amount of time in the funeral homes or shouting, begging, demanding that someone in a position of authority even utter the word AIDS and epidemic; someone in a position of authority acknowledge that sons and some daughters were dying of what was then euphemistically known as the gay plague. In the midst of this anguish several things happened:
Activists - many of whom were members of the LGBT community - began to talk about those living with AIDS versus those dying with AIDS.
Communities began to organize AIDS tasks forces which helped find access to health
care, supplies meals and hold hands. They also began the buddy program which
assigned a volunteer to help with practical issues including cleaning, grocery shopping
and tons of loving support.
The AIDS quilt project started when biological and intentional family members created
quilt squares to memorialize those who had died of AIDS. The initial quilt pieces were
often angry shouts saying “Notice our brothers and sisters.” Eventually many mothers
began to donate quilt pieces denoting many happy memories with symbols of the
achievements of the child they had lost.
The community often operated as one and, as is often true for any family also fought over what action they should be taking. Even with the quilt there were those who thought the message needed to be consistently angry and not one of happy memories.
One can hear the same chorus of opinions about the covid pandemic. “Blame the Chinese. Don’t trust the vaccine. Take covid seriously. It kills. Don’t worry, it is no worse than the flue. Lockdown. Don’t lockdown. Wear masks. Don’t wear masks.”
One can observe the same dynamic towards a variety of other issues including:
Immigrations or refugee? Criminals or victims? Givers or takers.
Mental illness or taking responsibility.
My reality vs your reality.
My religion vs your religion. Our religion vs their religion.
Race versus social construct.
Sexual orientation choice versus accepting who one is.
I am sure all the readers of this blog could add pages of items to this list.
Very often one finds that in any setting we can move to problem solving if we are willing to acknowledge two or more versions of the truth. Even with such emotional issues as racism it is easy to get caught in an argument. A friend of mine says, there is no racism in this community. It is true that in her world and in her mind there is a no admittance to racist views or other action. It is equally true that in my world and my mind I cannot go 24 hours without personally witnessing an example of behavior I experience as racist. Both realities are true. If one keeps one’s world small enough one may not witness racist attitudes or behavior. The same is true for a host of other issues.
Although it is true that none of us can truly walk in the shoes of another, we can invite and accept invitations to walk with another. The emotions depicted in the AIDS quilt demonstrate this. The angry quilt panels screamed “notice that people are dying. Do Something. We are worth saving.” The seemingly happy panels cried, “This was my child who laughed, played, sang, dances, loved, cried and brought joy to our hearts. Please quit erasing his or hyper humaneness because of who he or she loved.” This was essentially the same message as the angry panels depicted.
We often talk about victims and perpetrators and, yet social science studies consistently validate that most perpetrators are victims and most victims will go on to perpetrate in some manner. It is true that some perpetrators - perhaps even most - are not consciously aware of the relationship between their arrogant righteous anger and their pain. Those still in active addiction may only know they “must” find ways and means to get more; to feed the compulsion in their head. They may not know the source of pain which may have led them to seek numbness or disconnectedness.
Perhaps our modern technology invites us to gingerly step towards a world which is not “either or” but “both and”.
Written April 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
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