Breaking Trust
Trust is, of course, a really important issue in any relationship – personal or business.
Yesterday I attended a production of “Same Time Next Year.” This play by Bernard Slade is about two married people who meet, have a one night stand and then begin to meet once a year for the next the two dozen years. By the end of the play, the wife of the man has died and the husband of the man is ill. Much has, of course, changed during the course of the once-a-year relationship. It is interesting in this day of the internet that the play takes place before instant messages, email and other forms of internet communication or even before cell phone communication was available. Thus, there was no communication between the visits. It was as if all normal life stopped for these two individuals for one weekend a year. I suspect that was part of the attraction and, thus, the popularity of the play and the movie. It seemed as if that there was no possible way that the respective spouses could have known about the relationship. They did not meet close to home, take any gifts or mementoes back to the home they shared with their spouses and children. Yet, the man finds out, after the death of his wife, that she had known about the relationship for about ten years prior to her death. He finds this out from the best friend of his wife.
On the surface no one was hurt by this once a year relationship. They are careful about birth control. Neither have a sexual relationship with anyone other than this person and their spouse. As far as we know neither of the spouses are having a sexual relationship with another person. There did not, therefore, seem to be any danger of sexually transmitted disease. They are both devoted to their respective spouses and families all the other weekends of the year. Yet, both do admit to feeling very guilty about this secret relationship. Still, the connection they experience is so strong that they continue for those two dozen years to meet one weekend a year.
The twelve-step programs for recovery from addictive behavior states that “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Obviously, no one believes that we should always tell the truth. If we think that someone is overweight, unattractive, or we do not find some new piece of art or some other endeavor particularly noteworthy, we will not tell them unless, of course, they really want one’s “honest” feedback. If our spouse or partner fix a meal on which they have spent a lot of time and it is “terrible” we will not tell them that unless, of course, there is some other overriding reason to do so.
No, the sort of secret which can really adversely affect our own health and the health of our important relationships is that which (1) violates a very basic part of the social or business contract we have with someone or (2) denies what the other person with whom we have an important relationship strongly suspects or knows to be true. In both instances the secret/lie is going to result in emotional distance. In the second instance it is also going to result in the other person doubting himself or herself. I call the later “crazy making.” For example, I was in a romantic relationship with a person who was very emotionally unavailable for quite some time. To be fair, I was having a difficult time before this person pulled away. A situation had occurred with a family member which left me very sad and worried. My romantic partner was well aware that I was struggling and that I did not have as much as usual to give. This person with whom I was in a committed relationship found another person with whom they could have an intimate relationship. This new relationship was both sexual and emotional. When I found out about the new relationship I was both relieved and really upset. I was, of course, sad, since I loved this person and expected to spend the rest of my life or however long we both lived, together. Sadness weighs one down but it is an emotion I know how to get through. The worst violation was one of trust - feeling for weeks as if I could not trust my own perception or experience. On numerous occasions I had asked this person what was causing the distance. This person denied that there was any distance. This made me feel doubt my own experience of the relationship. This is what I call crazy making.
Many people growing up in an alcoholic family report that the family dynamics often feel crazy. Anne Lamott talks about how she felt as a child in an alcoholic family. As a child she would ask about something which happened and her mother would deny that it had happened or say, “Oh we were just drinking” as if any behavior which occurred while her parents were drinking had not really occurred or one was not responsible for it. The children were, however, always responsible for their behavior.
All of us are, at times, going to inadvertently or without thinking through our intended behavior, say or do something which violates the trust of those we care about – something which is experienced as violating trust no matter what our intentions. We may have not done something which another person felt as if they had a right to expect us to do. All we can do is to make amends and do our best to not repeat that sort of behavior.
When addictive behavior of any type hijacks our mind and, thus, our behavior, we are always going to violate the trust the other person has placed in us. This is one of the consequences of active addictive behavior which cannot be avoided and which makes addiction such a destructive illness. One treatment/recovery from active addiction can change this behavioral pattern. Certain mental illnesses can also make it difficult, if not impossible, for one to honor the trust in important relationships.
I am not, in this blog, attempting to offer an opinion or pronounce a judgment on any particular behavior. The intention of this brief blog is to share my understanding of how secrets affect trust and, thus, the very core of the any important relationship. As I have mentioned, we have to make allowances for the fact that we are all human. At the same time part of the health of relationships is dependent on all of us doing our best to honor the trust which has been placed in the relationship. If we have an untreated issue such as addiction or mental illness we need to do our best to seek out effective treatment.
Written March 21, 2016
Trust is, of course, a really important issue in any relationship – personal or business.
Yesterday I attended a production of “Same Time Next Year.” This play by Bernard Slade is about two married people who meet, have a one night stand and then begin to meet once a year for the next the two dozen years. By the end of the play, the wife of the man has died and the husband of the man is ill. Much has, of course, changed during the course of the once-a-year relationship. It is interesting in this day of the internet that the play takes place before instant messages, email and other forms of internet communication or even before cell phone communication was available. Thus, there was no communication between the visits. It was as if all normal life stopped for these two individuals for one weekend a year. I suspect that was part of the attraction and, thus, the popularity of the play and the movie. It seemed as if that there was no possible way that the respective spouses could have known about the relationship. They did not meet close to home, take any gifts or mementoes back to the home they shared with their spouses and children. Yet, the man finds out, after the death of his wife, that she had known about the relationship for about ten years prior to her death. He finds this out from the best friend of his wife.
On the surface no one was hurt by this once a year relationship. They are careful about birth control. Neither have a sexual relationship with anyone other than this person and their spouse. As far as we know neither of the spouses are having a sexual relationship with another person. There did not, therefore, seem to be any danger of sexually transmitted disease. They are both devoted to their respective spouses and families all the other weekends of the year. Yet, both do admit to feeling very guilty about this secret relationship. Still, the connection they experience is so strong that they continue for those two dozen years to meet one weekend a year.
The twelve-step programs for recovery from addictive behavior states that “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Obviously, no one believes that we should always tell the truth. If we think that someone is overweight, unattractive, or we do not find some new piece of art or some other endeavor particularly noteworthy, we will not tell them unless, of course, they really want one’s “honest” feedback. If our spouse or partner fix a meal on which they have spent a lot of time and it is “terrible” we will not tell them that unless, of course, there is some other overriding reason to do so.
No, the sort of secret which can really adversely affect our own health and the health of our important relationships is that which (1) violates a very basic part of the social or business contract we have with someone or (2) denies what the other person with whom we have an important relationship strongly suspects or knows to be true. In both instances the secret/lie is going to result in emotional distance. In the second instance it is also going to result in the other person doubting himself or herself. I call the later “crazy making.” For example, I was in a romantic relationship with a person who was very emotionally unavailable for quite some time. To be fair, I was having a difficult time before this person pulled away. A situation had occurred with a family member which left me very sad and worried. My romantic partner was well aware that I was struggling and that I did not have as much as usual to give. This person with whom I was in a committed relationship found another person with whom they could have an intimate relationship. This new relationship was both sexual and emotional. When I found out about the new relationship I was both relieved and really upset. I was, of course, sad, since I loved this person and expected to spend the rest of my life or however long we both lived, together. Sadness weighs one down but it is an emotion I know how to get through. The worst violation was one of trust - feeling for weeks as if I could not trust my own perception or experience. On numerous occasions I had asked this person what was causing the distance. This person denied that there was any distance. This made me feel doubt my own experience of the relationship. This is what I call crazy making.
Many people growing up in an alcoholic family report that the family dynamics often feel crazy. Anne Lamott talks about how she felt as a child in an alcoholic family. As a child she would ask about something which happened and her mother would deny that it had happened or say, “Oh we were just drinking” as if any behavior which occurred while her parents were drinking had not really occurred or one was not responsible for it. The children were, however, always responsible for their behavior.
All of us are, at times, going to inadvertently or without thinking through our intended behavior, say or do something which violates the trust of those we care about – something which is experienced as violating trust no matter what our intentions. We may have not done something which another person felt as if they had a right to expect us to do. All we can do is to make amends and do our best to not repeat that sort of behavior.
When addictive behavior of any type hijacks our mind and, thus, our behavior, we are always going to violate the trust the other person has placed in us. This is one of the consequences of active addictive behavior which cannot be avoided and which makes addiction such a destructive illness. One treatment/recovery from active addiction can change this behavioral pattern. Certain mental illnesses can also make it difficult, if not impossible, for one to honor the trust in important relationships.
I am not, in this blog, attempting to offer an opinion or pronounce a judgment on any particular behavior. The intention of this brief blog is to share my understanding of how secrets affect trust and, thus, the very core of the any important relationship. As I have mentioned, we have to make allowances for the fact that we are all human. At the same time part of the health of relationships is dependent on all of us doing our best to honor the trust which has been placed in the relationship. If we have an untreated issue such as addiction or mental illness we need to do our best to seek out effective treatment.
Written March 21, 2016
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