Can’t make a silk purse out of sow’s ear.
This proverb apparently dates back to at least the 1500s. it is also true, however, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and very creative humans continue to take what might appear ugly and create beautiful and meaningful works of art. My friend Becky even calls rain “liquid sunshine” for her garden. If, however, one has spent tens of thousands of dollars on an outdoor wedding, reception and dinner it is tough to think of rain as liquid sunshine.
Many of us have crafted a video of our ideal family. We may decide that until our family of origin watches and copies the thought process and behavior of this idea family that we cannot be content or have the life we deserve. The refusal of our family of origin to follow this script will cause us to be depressed, angry and prevent us from emotional, spiritual and even economic health. In our mind we have taken the family we experience as sow’s ears and after reciting the appropriate incantation magically turned them into a family of silk purses. They, however, refuse to watch the video and heed its instructions.
Darnell Moore in his book, No Ashes in the Fire, talks about the process of accepting his own humanness and how that led him to a place of being able to accept the humanness of his alcoholic, sometimes violent father. It was important for his mother and all who were touched by the violence to physically get away from this violence. It took a lot of life lessons and an emotional and spiritual maturity for Mr. Moore to be present at the bedside of his father and say to him: “Fly. I know you are heavy. We forgive you. Whatever weights you have been carrying, let them go. Fly.”(p 88 of the paperback edition of the book).
A friends of mine finds that she cannot be around her family of origin without getting so triggered that she is not able to take care of herself and be the wife, mother and friend she wants to me. Sadly she needs to avoid them, but she does not need to judge or be critical of them. They are doing the best they can. Fortunately she has many others in her circles of “we” who are able to give her the love and nurturing she wants and needs. From a distance she can practice the unconditional love she wants. She no longer has to attempt to change them; to attempt to make them learn the script she has written for them.
It is not surprising that many of us find that we are attempting to change others into who we want them to be while criticizing them for not accepting us for who we are. We accuse them of attempting to change us or wanting us to change how we live while we attempt to change their attitudes, beliefs and behavior. In effect we do to them what we are accusing them of doing to us.
Loving unconditionally is not for wimps. Yet, once we accept that we do not need to judge or change others – that others do the best they can with the emotional and spiritual tools they have - we are free to seek out those who can give us what we want/need.
There is nothing wrong with the ears of a sow. There is nothing wrong with purses made out of silk. Each stand on their own. The more accepting we are of others; the more we quit attempting to change others, the freer we are to take care of ourselves and others in the way we want others to lovingly take care of us.
Written August 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
This proverb apparently dates back to at least the 1500s. it is also true, however, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and very creative humans continue to take what might appear ugly and create beautiful and meaningful works of art. My friend Becky even calls rain “liquid sunshine” for her garden. If, however, one has spent tens of thousands of dollars on an outdoor wedding, reception and dinner it is tough to think of rain as liquid sunshine.
Many of us have crafted a video of our ideal family. We may decide that until our family of origin watches and copies the thought process and behavior of this idea family that we cannot be content or have the life we deserve. The refusal of our family of origin to follow this script will cause us to be depressed, angry and prevent us from emotional, spiritual and even economic health. In our mind we have taken the family we experience as sow’s ears and after reciting the appropriate incantation magically turned them into a family of silk purses. They, however, refuse to watch the video and heed its instructions.
Darnell Moore in his book, No Ashes in the Fire, talks about the process of accepting his own humanness and how that led him to a place of being able to accept the humanness of his alcoholic, sometimes violent father. It was important for his mother and all who were touched by the violence to physically get away from this violence. It took a lot of life lessons and an emotional and spiritual maturity for Mr. Moore to be present at the bedside of his father and say to him: “Fly. I know you are heavy. We forgive you. Whatever weights you have been carrying, let them go. Fly.”(p 88 of the paperback edition of the book).
A friends of mine finds that she cannot be around her family of origin without getting so triggered that she is not able to take care of herself and be the wife, mother and friend she wants to me. Sadly she needs to avoid them, but she does not need to judge or be critical of them. They are doing the best they can. Fortunately she has many others in her circles of “we” who are able to give her the love and nurturing she wants and needs. From a distance she can practice the unconditional love she wants. She no longer has to attempt to change them; to attempt to make them learn the script she has written for them.
It is not surprising that many of us find that we are attempting to change others into who we want them to be while criticizing them for not accepting us for who we are. We accuse them of attempting to change us or wanting us to change how we live while we attempt to change their attitudes, beliefs and behavior. In effect we do to them what we are accusing them of doing to us.
Loving unconditionally is not for wimps. Yet, once we accept that we do not need to judge or change others – that others do the best they can with the emotional and spiritual tools they have - we are free to seek out those who can give us what we want/need.
There is nothing wrong with the ears of a sow. There is nothing wrong with purses made out of silk. Each stand on their own. The more accepting we are of others; the more we quit attempting to change others, the freer we are to take care of ourselves and others in the way we want others to lovingly take care of us.
Written August 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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