Challenges of love

​Challenges of love
 
I firmly believe:

• Love by definition is unconditional.
• Unconditional love is often not the automatic response for this human. 
• Abusing others emotionally, spiritually, sexually, physically, and financially is all the same. Any time I treat someone as less then I suffer and all of creation suffers.

There are no degrees of hurt although there is hurt which is more immediately dangerous/harmful.

• It is easier for this human to focus on the hurtful behavior of others than to deal with the deep discomfort of facing all the ways that I have and do hurt others.
• Hurt people hurt others.
• When a child is being abused in any way it is my responsibility as an adult to be the assertive, proactive voice for that child.

 
It is also my experience:

• I am fearful of the bully.
• I find it difficult to find a loving way to stand up to the bully.
• I am very judgmental of those I experience to be judgmental.
• My judgment of others correlates with my fear of being judged.
• My fear of being judged by others correlates with my judgment of myself.

 
All of the above is as honest and truthful as I can be at this moment.   I certainly want to be on a path of practicing unconditional love which includes unconditional love for myself.  I often falling short of achieving my goal.  I know that I am not able to love others unconditionally unless I am practicing unconditional love of myself.  Unconditional love of myself  is accepting  that I am this very imperfect human. Obviously, I do not like my imperfections, especially when they result in hurting others.   The more I fuss at myself for my imperfections the more imperfect I become.  On the other hand, the more I avoid being accountable for my imperfections/hurtful behavior the more likely I will repeat hurtful behavior. 
 
My goals are:
 

• Notice when I am judging another and bring the focus back to accepting that the other person is but a mirror.  When judging that person, I am judging myself.
• Share my struggle as an example rather than judging others.
• Stand up to the bully in a loving but assertive manner.  Easier said than done especially if standing up to the bully might result in the bully isolating and, thus, hiding the abuse.   For example, if a relative or friend is bullying a child and one says the behavior is not acceptable the bully might just make sure that they only bully this child  in private.   Sometimes parents or other caretakers punish the child for embarrassing them.  Blaming the victim, as most of us know,  is not uncommon.
• If there is another adult such as the partner of the bully involved talk to that person in private about one’s discomfort.  The fear is, of course, the partner will align with the abuser, but this may be a risk that one has to take. 
• Honestly pray for the bully- love the bully unconditionally.   Forcus on the pain that one knows underlies the bully behavior.
• Work to make mental health care more accessible, affordable and acceptable.   Abusers needs mental health care which, for some will mean involuntary commitment in a safe facility staffed with qualified professionals.
• Teach our children about mental illness, addiction and other illness so that they are more likely to get help when they need it.
• We males need to talk to other males about mental illness and issues such as bullying.
• Make abusers a partner in the prevention , diagnosis and treatment of hurtful behavior.  For example, if the abuser is a musician ask him or her for help in writing children’s songs about conflict resolution.    Some musicians such as Peter Alsop have been doing this work for many years.  Encourage and support that work.

 
Written January 9, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC