Change without shame
When I was growing up I often attended a church which seemed to focus on the fact that we were sinners demanding we constantly ask for forgiveness. The good news was that forgiveness was always available. The bad news was that it seems as if I just kept sinning and thus, I needed to spend most of my time in confession and asking for forgiveness. The situation seemed pretty hopeless. I was obliviously a serial sinner and the possibility of dying and going to hell for being a bad person was pretty certain. Despite the gift of forgiveness, I constantly felt shameful knowing I failed the god of their understanding time and time again.
When I was an intern working in a New Jersey prison I was introduced to the 12 -step recovery program created by Dr. Bob and Bill W who were greatly influenced by the Oxford Group. I was impressed with the fact the 12 steps said nothing in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous about shame. The program did and does emphasize a belief in the God of one’s understanding who accepts that addiction is a chronic illness and not a failing of the person. While it does talk about character defects it does not do in a shaming manner.
Whether the god of one’s understanding is Jesus, Buddha, Allah, all the pieces of the universe which function as a whole, or a group of like minded people determined to be one’s best selves, does not matter although this is not always obvious from the use of certain prayers at many meetings. Sadly, the use of prayers associated with the Christian church are a trigger for shame for many individuals. In large cities there are recovery programs which are not so Christ or Christian centered.
Us humans are very creative. We can easily use the idea of humanness, unlimited forgiveness or that of chronic illness as a justification for repeating behavior which is not consistent with emotional and spiritual growth. Since it is not helpful to shame oneself or to expect perfection some think it is okay that one keeps repeating the same behavior. Those same individuals might suggest it is not until one gets to the 6th step of the 12 step program “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” that one can expect to let go of certain unhealthy/destructive behaviors. Until then one will continue the unhealthy behavior. One “Works” the first 5 steps and then waits for the God of their understanding to remove the unhealthy behavior. If this does not happen it is because one is not allowing the god of their understanding to remove these defects of character, god is on vacation or one has somehow not worked the first 5 steps as thoroughly as is needed.
The goal, as I understand it, is to accept that certain substances and behaviors are addictive. Once one takes a drink, uses another unhealthy drug, uses others as sexual objects, or engages in other unhealthy behavior the compulsion or obsession to keep engaging in that behavior is triggered. My friend S who works in a treatment center for addicts says that one most be clear no matter what one cannot safely engage in that unhealthy/addictive behavior; that one can never do just one drink, other drug or sexual conquest. One always leads to another.
This is not about shame. This is about accepting that if one feeds the obsession/addiction one will never compete the steps of the recovery program. The obsessing and the ensuing behavior will continue until one stops feeding it. Whether one thinks of the god of one’s understanding as removing it or one thinks of the science of changing the habit of certain thoughts or behavior the obsession will only stop when one refuses “no matter what” to engage it the unhealthy behavior.
Step one in the 12 step program is about powerlessness; the powerlessness once one engages in the addictive thought or behavior. it is because one surrenders to the fact of powerlessness one can move on to steps 2 through `12. One does not wait to get to step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11 or 12 to surrender. If one notices one keeps repeating the same behavior one does not shame oneself but one does go back to step 1. There is no shame in the need to do this. It is, however, true that insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results.
It is the absence of shame that allows one to go back to step one as often as one needs to. Unlike many religions the 12 step program is very solution and not shame focused..
Written September 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
When I was growing up I often attended a church which seemed to focus on the fact that we were sinners demanding we constantly ask for forgiveness. The good news was that forgiveness was always available. The bad news was that it seems as if I just kept sinning and thus, I needed to spend most of my time in confession and asking for forgiveness. The situation seemed pretty hopeless. I was obliviously a serial sinner and the possibility of dying and going to hell for being a bad person was pretty certain. Despite the gift of forgiveness, I constantly felt shameful knowing I failed the god of their understanding time and time again.
When I was an intern working in a New Jersey prison I was introduced to the 12 -step recovery program created by Dr. Bob and Bill W who were greatly influenced by the Oxford Group. I was impressed with the fact the 12 steps said nothing in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous about shame. The program did and does emphasize a belief in the God of one’s understanding who accepts that addiction is a chronic illness and not a failing of the person. While it does talk about character defects it does not do in a shaming manner.
Whether the god of one’s understanding is Jesus, Buddha, Allah, all the pieces of the universe which function as a whole, or a group of like minded people determined to be one’s best selves, does not matter although this is not always obvious from the use of certain prayers at many meetings. Sadly, the use of prayers associated with the Christian church are a trigger for shame for many individuals. In large cities there are recovery programs which are not so Christ or Christian centered.
Us humans are very creative. We can easily use the idea of humanness, unlimited forgiveness or that of chronic illness as a justification for repeating behavior which is not consistent with emotional and spiritual growth. Since it is not helpful to shame oneself or to expect perfection some think it is okay that one keeps repeating the same behavior. Those same individuals might suggest it is not until one gets to the 6th step of the 12 step program “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” that one can expect to let go of certain unhealthy/destructive behaviors. Until then one will continue the unhealthy behavior. One “Works” the first 5 steps and then waits for the God of their understanding to remove the unhealthy behavior. If this does not happen it is because one is not allowing the god of their understanding to remove these defects of character, god is on vacation or one has somehow not worked the first 5 steps as thoroughly as is needed.
The goal, as I understand it, is to accept that certain substances and behaviors are addictive. Once one takes a drink, uses another unhealthy drug, uses others as sexual objects, or engages in other unhealthy behavior the compulsion or obsession to keep engaging in that behavior is triggered. My friend S who works in a treatment center for addicts says that one most be clear no matter what one cannot safely engage in that unhealthy/addictive behavior; that one can never do just one drink, other drug or sexual conquest. One always leads to another.
This is not about shame. This is about accepting that if one feeds the obsession/addiction one will never compete the steps of the recovery program. The obsessing and the ensuing behavior will continue until one stops feeding it. Whether one thinks of the god of one’s understanding as removing it or one thinks of the science of changing the habit of certain thoughts or behavior the obsession will only stop when one refuses “no matter what” to engage it the unhealthy behavior.
Step one in the 12 step program is about powerlessness; the powerlessness once one engages in the addictive thought or behavior. it is because one surrenders to the fact of powerlessness one can move on to steps 2 through `12. One does not wait to get to step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11 or 12 to surrender. If one notices one keeps repeating the same behavior one does not shame oneself but one does go back to step 1. There is no shame in the need to do this. It is, however, true that insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results.
It is the absence of shame that allows one to go back to step one as often as one needs to. Unlike many religions the 12 step program is very solution and not shame focused..
Written September 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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