Changing habits
Social scientists and most parents are well versed in the art of intermittent reinforcement. Many of us continue to practice this behavior when we are attempting to change habits.
Those of us who are parents will immediately identify with the most common example of intermittent reinforcement. We are working parents and tired when we get home from work. Our child ask for something which we know is unhealthy for them. It may be a simple request such as watching televisions or playing a video game for another hour. We are determined to be a good parent and we say no 34 times. The 35th time our child asks as we are attempting to prepare a healthy, appetizing meal in 30 minutes or less and we say, “Okay. Just leave me alone for 5 minutes.” The next time this happens we are really determined and say not for 131 times. The 131st time we again have had it and give in. The next time we hold out for 254 times and give in on the 255th time. Obviously what we have taught the child is persistence pays off.
It is understandable that we practice the same intermittent reinforcement when we are attempting to change our own behavior. Whether we are changing our nutritional habits, attempting to start an exercise program, stopping smoking, cutting back on sweets, or attempting to end a toxic relationship we say no for x amount of times and then when the discomfort or tiredness sets in we say yes to the old behavior. The next time we are more determined and refrain from the old behavior for even longer and then, once again, give in to the discomfort.
The 12 step programs such as AA, NA, MA, OA, SA and SAA strongly recommend that one focus on not engaging in the unhealthy behavior or 5 minutes or “just for today”. They also recommend that if one has the urge to engage in the unhealthy behavior that one call one’s sponsor, get to a meeting or write. If one does not engage in replacement behavior one will “find oneself” returning to the unhealthy behavior. Of course, there is always that person who is new in recovery and who is determined to design their own program rather than following the advice of those who have been successful in their recovery program. They may decide that they will not engage in the unhealthy behavior for 29 days. Not surprising on the 30th day or the 31st day they resume the old behavior. They then verbally chastise themselves which make them feel even worse. This discomfort provides an opening for the unhealthy behavior to sneak in again. The next time the person decides to refrain from the unhealthy behavior for 60 days and then reward themselves with the old behavior.
It is not surprising that intermittently reinforced behavior is the toughest to extinguish. if we truly want to change a behavior for ourselves or help someone else change it is very important to follow simple guidelines:
• Do not set time limited goals past today.
• Try “Just for today.” or “Just for the next five minutes.”
• Engage every time in an alternative healthy behavior and not on the discomfort of not engaging in the old behavior.
• Do not fuss or scold oneself for having difficulty in changing unhealthy habits. Just notice and focus on the plan to change.
• Be consistent. If one needs help or support again ask for it every time one needs it. If one is reaching out to another person, make sure that one has lined up more than one person.
• Do not put oneself around people, places or things which are going to tempt or trigger one to engage in the unhealthy behavior.
• Recognizing that relapse or repeating the old behavior is normal when attempting to change is important. On the other hand, do not fall into the trap of using this as a reason for repeating the behavior one says one wants to change.
• Lovingly notice and correct the messages one gives oneself, i.e. “I cannot stand this discomfort. I am weak. I am fragile. I cannot change. One more drink, doughnut, unhealthy sexual encounter, drug will not matter. I will change tomorrow (tomorrow never arrives).
• Laugh often - not at self but with self.
• Clearly identify and access the “I” who wants to change. The “I” is not the unhealthy behavior or one’s comfort zone. It is the observer part of one - the core part of one - who sincerely wants to change one’s behavior.
• Do not give up. Notice the weak areas of one’s program and tweak it. Change is doable!
Written September 8, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Social scientists and most parents are well versed in the art of intermittent reinforcement. Many of us continue to practice this behavior when we are attempting to change habits.
Those of us who are parents will immediately identify with the most common example of intermittent reinforcement. We are working parents and tired when we get home from work. Our child ask for something which we know is unhealthy for them. It may be a simple request such as watching televisions or playing a video game for another hour. We are determined to be a good parent and we say no 34 times. The 35th time our child asks as we are attempting to prepare a healthy, appetizing meal in 30 minutes or less and we say, “Okay. Just leave me alone for 5 minutes.” The next time this happens we are really determined and say not for 131 times. The 131st time we again have had it and give in. The next time we hold out for 254 times and give in on the 255th time. Obviously what we have taught the child is persistence pays off.
It is understandable that we practice the same intermittent reinforcement when we are attempting to change our own behavior. Whether we are changing our nutritional habits, attempting to start an exercise program, stopping smoking, cutting back on sweets, or attempting to end a toxic relationship we say no for x amount of times and then when the discomfort or tiredness sets in we say yes to the old behavior. The next time we are more determined and refrain from the old behavior for even longer and then, once again, give in to the discomfort.
The 12 step programs such as AA, NA, MA, OA, SA and SAA strongly recommend that one focus on not engaging in the unhealthy behavior or 5 minutes or “just for today”. They also recommend that if one has the urge to engage in the unhealthy behavior that one call one’s sponsor, get to a meeting or write. If one does not engage in replacement behavior one will “find oneself” returning to the unhealthy behavior. Of course, there is always that person who is new in recovery and who is determined to design their own program rather than following the advice of those who have been successful in their recovery program. They may decide that they will not engage in the unhealthy behavior for 29 days. Not surprising on the 30th day or the 31st day they resume the old behavior. They then verbally chastise themselves which make them feel even worse. This discomfort provides an opening for the unhealthy behavior to sneak in again. The next time the person decides to refrain from the unhealthy behavior for 60 days and then reward themselves with the old behavior.
It is not surprising that intermittently reinforced behavior is the toughest to extinguish. if we truly want to change a behavior for ourselves or help someone else change it is very important to follow simple guidelines:
• Do not set time limited goals past today.
• Try “Just for today.” or “Just for the next five minutes.”
• Engage every time in an alternative healthy behavior and not on the discomfort of not engaging in the old behavior.
• Do not fuss or scold oneself for having difficulty in changing unhealthy habits. Just notice and focus on the plan to change.
• Be consistent. If one needs help or support again ask for it every time one needs it. If one is reaching out to another person, make sure that one has lined up more than one person.
• Do not put oneself around people, places or things which are going to tempt or trigger one to engage in the unhealthy behavior.
• Recognizing that relapse or repeating the old behavior is normal when attempting to change is important. On the other hand, do not fall into the trap of using this as a reason for repeating the behavior one says one wants to change.
• Lovingly notice and correct the messages one gives oneself, i.e. “I cannot stand this discomfort. I am weak. I am fragile. I cannot change. One more drink, doughnut, unhealthy sexual encounter, drug will not matter. I will change tomorrow (tomorrow never arrives).
• Laugh often - not at self but with self.
• Clearly identify and access the “I” who wants to change. The “I” is not the unhealthy behavior or one’s comfort zone. It is the observer part of one - the core part of one - who sincerely wants to change one’s behavior.
• Do not give up. Notice the weak areas of one’s program and tweak it. Change is doable!
Written September 8, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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