Channeling Grandma Fannie
Since clearly not even a General can stop the stop the tweet a thon activity originating in the White House or in other government offices I found myself thinking that I should offer to loan the spirit of Grandma Fannie to the spouse of those who seem unable to control their urge to tween. After all, I know that Grandma Fannie had lots of experience in having “coming to Jesus conversations” with various adults and children. She did after all, after many years of marriage, insist on a divorce from Grandpa Ed. She was not concerned about being able to take care of herself. She did later agree to remarry him for reasons, which had nothing to do with his existential angst over missing what he considered his marital rights. In fact when she did remarry him in 1948 she had some conditions, which included:
· Signing a pre-nuptial agreement although that was unusual for a person of their economic condition.
· Restricting smoking to the sunroom off the kitchen.
· No drinking of alcohol in the house or around her. She did not attempt to control his trips to the barn or the activity in which he engaged in that space.
· Allowing her to manage the money and obeying the rules regarding repayment of loans she might make to him. I clearly recall her reminder that he was expected to pay back the sum of a $.05.
I have no doubt that had smart phones been available that she would have had the equivalent of parental controls installed on his phone. In fact, I suspect she would have decided that no men and no children – especially – were to be trusted with access to the Internet. It is not that Grandma and her sisters did not like men. They clearly thought that God had created woman to not only bear the pain of childbirth but to take on all difficult emotional tasks because they had the physical, emotional and spiritual strength that was needed to maintain some sense of order and good sense. She clearly knew that all teenage children and we males were incapable of self-discipline. This was neither good nor bad, but just the way that God had designed males and females. If she though of homosexual relationships between men at all she would have been more than skeptical that two men could manage without a woman.
At any rate, it seems to me that it is time for me to exercise some generosity by offering to loan the spirit of Grandma Fannie to the spouses of all politicians. If some tweet-addicted politician does not have a spouse/partner, one will be assigned to him. In the rare case that there is female politician who is similarly addicted she will be assigned a Grandmother Fannie surrogate to have complete control over the phone or any device which can send and received tweets, instant messages, emails, instagrams, or other social media communication.
If one is attempting to envision Grandma Fannie one should imagine a figure similar to Mabel Madea Simmons as created and portrayed by Tyler Perry. Although Grandma Fannie’s personality lacked the rang of language and outward passion of Madea she was equally intolerant of those who seems to have a removable brain chip which monitored for common sense and other behavior which she thought of an non-negotiable adult behavior. Clearly tweeting emotive statements inconsistent with common sense or adult behavior was the result of the failure to insert this removable chip and leave it is for the duration. In fact, although I never personally witnessed Grandma Fannie using the ever handy needle and thread used for making garments, quilts and any other cloth item found in her home to sew up the opening where said chip was installed there were tales of many such sewing circle activities by she and her women friends.
One can only imagine the spirit of Grandma Fannie or the Grandma Fannie surrogate arriving at the home of the tweet addicted, chip removed politician or other government official. Hands on hip I can hear her now:
“You, sit down and shut up now. What did you say? You are whom? Do I look like I care what role you are pretending to inhabit? Do I! Do you really want me to come over there and sit you down? I did not think so. How, hand me that phone. You are testing my patience. Give me that phone now before I am forced to call upon the spirit of Lorena Bobbitt. I did not think so. Now here is the phone you can use. Yes, it is flip phone. No, it does not have Internet. Obviously you are unable to control yourself enough to have access to a smart phone. Now, where did you put that chip? Give it to me. Oh for God’s sake! Stop whining! Give me that chip. Yes, this is a needle and thread. It will no longer be a removable chip. Are we clear? If you do not stop that whining I will be forced to take a video of you on my smart phone and post it to You Tube. Is that what you want? I thought not. And just in case you thought you could order others to loan you their phones or other smart devices they no longer have them. In fact I have the only one in this entire building. Now let’s go over the other adult rules of behavior. What, you have important business to which to attend? I think not. You were never too busy to tweet. Now, rule number 1.”
Written October 9, 2017
Since clearly not even a General can stop the stop the tweet a thon activity originating in the White House or in other government offices I found myself thinking that I should offer to loan the spirit of Grandma Fannie to the spouse of those who seem unable to control their urge to tween. After all, I know that Grandma Fannie had lots of experience in having “coming to Jesus conversations” with various adults and children. She did after all, after many years of marriage, insist on a divorce from Grandpa Ed. She was not concerned about being able to take care of herself. She did later agree to remarry him for reasons, which had nothing to do with his existential angst over missing what he considered his marital rights. In fact when she did remarry him in 1948 she had some conditions, which included:
· Signing a pre-nuptial agreement although that was unusual for a person of their economic condition.
· Restricting smoking to the sunroom off the kitchen.
· No drinking of alcohol in the house or around her. She did not attempt to control his trips to the barn or the activity in which he engaged in that space.
· Allowing her to manage the money and obeying the rules regarding repayment of loans she might make to him. I clearly recall her reminder that he was expected to pay back the sum of a $.05.
I have no doubt that had smart phones been available that she would have had the equivalent of parental controls installed on his phone. In fact, I suspect she would have decided that no men and no children – especially – were to be trusted with access to the Internet. It is not that Grandma and her sisters did not like men. They clearly thought that God had created woman to not only bear the pain of childbirth but to take on all difficult emotional tasks because they had the physical, emotional and spiritual strength that was needed to maintain some sense of order and good sense. She clearly knew that all teenage children and we males were incapable of self-discipline. This was neither good nor bad, but just the way that God had designed males and females. If she though of homosexual relationships between men at all she would have been more than skeptical that two men could manage without a woman.
At any rate, it seems to me that it is time for me to exercise some generosity by offering to loan the spirit of Grandma Fannie to the spouses of all politicians. If some tweet-addicted politician does not have a spouse/partner, one will be assigned to him. In the rare case that there is female politician who is similarly addicted she will be assigned a Grandmother Fannie surrogate to have complete control over the phone or any device which can send and received tweets, instant messages, emails, instagrams, or other social media communication.
If one is attempting to envision Grandma Fannie one should imagine a figure similar to Mabel Madea Simmons as created and portrayed by Tyler Perry. Although Grandma Fannie’s personality lacked the rang of language and outward passion of Madea she was equally intolerant of those who seems to have a removable brain chip which monitored for common sense and other behavior which she thought of an non-negotiable adult behavior. Clearly tweeting emotive statements inconsistent with common sense or adult behavior was the result of the failure to insert this removable chip and leave it is for the duration. In fact, although I never personally witnessed Grandma Fannie using the ever handy needle and thread used for making garments, quilts and any other cloth item found in her home to sew up the opening where said chip was installed there were tales of many such sewing circle activities by she and her women friends.
One can only imagine the spirit of Grandma Fannie or the Grandma Fannie surrogate arriving at the home of the tweet addicted, chip removed politician or other government official. Hands on hip I can hear her now:
“You, sit down and shut up now. What did you say? You are whom? Do I look like I care what role you are pretending to inhabit? Do I! Do you really want me to come over there and sit you down? I did not think so. How, hand me that phone. You are testing my patience. Give me that phone now before I am forced to call upon the spirit of Lorena Bobbitt. I did not think so. Now here is the phone you can use. Yes, it is flip phone. No, it does not have Internet. Obviously you are unable to control yourself enough to have access to a smart phone. Now, where did you put that chip? Give it to me. Oh for God’s sake! Stop whining! Give me that chip. Yes, this is a needle and thread. It will no longer be a removable chip. Are we clear? If you do not stop that whining I will be forced to take a video of you on my smart phone and post it to You Tube. Is that what you want? I thought not. And just in case you thought you could order others to loan you their phones or other smart devices they no longer have them. In fact I have the only one in this entire building. Now let’s go over the other adult rules of behavior. What, you have important business to which to attend? I think not. You were never too busy to tweet. Now, rule number 1.”
Written October 9, 2017
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