Choosing a life partner. For today!
Friends of mine recently decided to get married next year. As is true for many couples they have already been living together for several years. They have determined that:
Other friends of mine who seem to have a satisfying, loving, primary relationship have a smaller shared core, but the core the do share is very strong and central to their beliefs. Each couple have to decide if there is enough a strong shared core to keep them together during the fun and easy times and the not so easy times.
What I have not mentioned is anything about the sexual or affectionate aspects of the relationships. Obviously, for some couples there is an initial shared chemical attraction to each other. For other couples the initial attraction might be more grounded in their strong shared intellectual and moral values. They may say that they are each better because of the other person and feel fed when they are with each other. Out of that deep respect might grow a deep, affectionate, even romantic love.
For many couples, no matter how strong the initial sexual and/or affectionate attraction, life quickly shows up leaving less and less time and energy for this aspect of the relationship. By the time they have reached middle age one or both of them may have no libido or at best, a greatly reduced one. Some of the drugs currently on the market, such as Viagra might restore some functioning, but many seem to just give up on that aspect of the relationship. Some are able to continue to have a very intimate, affectionate relationships. Some get more distant. Most, it would seem, do not talk much about these issues. This does not mean, however, that the deep loving bond that they have formed cannot continue as long as they actively nurture the relationship and each other.
As we are very aware, many couple will also get divorced. There are many reasons for this. More couples are now living much longer than ever before. Death used to more frequently mark the formal end of a relationship. Couples did not have to face that decisions. Many couples also did not have the individual resources or the community support needed to separate and divorce.
All too often, one or both of the individual are not ready to face the life events with which they are faced. Illness including addictions, accidents, financial hardships, extended family issues, war, natural disasters, community changes such as those facing certain industries, and other life events all can test the strength of a relationship. One or the other may take illness such as addiction or financial issues personally - as something which is being done to them and will not stay in the relationships.
Some individual say that they “simply” fall out of love and/or fall in love with someone else. This may or may not be a reflection of other issues that they couple has been unable or unwilling to face.
In short, I am reminded of the old adage about building one’s house on a firm foundation. The house is much more likely to survive, but even that is not a guarantee. Natural events such as storms of various types and over events can still destroy the house. Careful planning likely will allow one to rebuild, but even that may not be enough. The Bernie Madoff scam left many penniless. Many marriages/partnerships did not have an enough of a base left to survive when this disaster struck. For other it was just a bump in the road.
Relationship have a life of their own. They need to be fed and watered on a daily basis. Even then people change. There may come a time when couples need to go their separate ways. If there has been a solid foundation they will do so with the blessing of each other and not with revengeful hate.
Hopefully, we can teach our children by example to build the solid foundation which the young friends I described have done. They will be fine even if at some point they find the relationship has reached a natural end. On the other hand, they may be like my friends who were married for nearly 70 years and were still excited about visiting with each other every day as they met after being active in their respective interests.
Written July 17, 2017
Friends of mine recently decided to get married next year. As is true for many couples they have already been living together for several years. They have determined that:
- Both have similar core values.
- Both respect their differences as well as their similarities.
- Both share the same religious/spiritual framework.
- Both want to be active co-parents.
- Both contribute to finances of their shared home.
- Both take responsibility for the maintenance, upkeep and remodeling projects of their home.
- Both believe that relationships – with each other, family of origin and friends – require and deserve a regular commitment of time and energy.
- Both value what each other brings to the relationship.
- Both have an identity and interests outside of their partnership. (They want the relationship but do not need it.)
- Both are financially stable and have a shared financial vision.
- Friends and family are comfortable with them individually and as a couple.
- They share effective, respectful conflict resolution skills.
Other friends of mine who seem to have a satisfying, loving, primary relationship have a smaller shared core, but the core the do share is very strong and central to their beliefs. Each couple have to decide if there is enough a strong shared core to keep them together during the fun and easy times and the not so easy times.
What I have not mentioned is anything about the sexual or affectionate aspects of the relationships. Obviously, for some couples there is an initial shared chemical attraction to each other. For other couples the initial attraction might be more grounded in their strong shared intellectual and moral values. They may say that they are each better because of the other person and feel fed when they are with each other. Out of that deep respect might grow a deep, affectionate, even romantic love.
For many couples, no matter how strong the initial sexual and/or affectionate attraction, life quickly shows up leaving less and less time and energy for this aspect of the relationship. By the time they have reached middle age one or both of them may have no libido or at best, a greatly reduced one. Some of the drugs currently on the market, such as Viagra might restore some functioning, but many seem to just give up on that aspect of the relationship. Some are able to continue to have a very intimate, affectionate relationships. Some get more distant. Most, it would seem, do not talk much about these issues. This does not mean, however, that the deep loving bond that they have formed cannot continue as long as they actively nurture the relationship and each other.
As we are very aware, many couple will also get divorced. There are many reasons for this. More couples are now living much longer than ever before. Death used to more frequently mark the formal end of a relationship. Couples did not have to face that decisions. Many couples also did not have the individual resources or the community support needed to separate and divorce.
All too often, one or both of the individual are not ready to face the life events with which they are faced. Illness including addictions, accidents, financial hardships, extended family issues, war, natural disasters, community changes such as those facing certain industries, and other life events all can test the strength of a relationship. One or the other may take illness such as addiction or financial issues personally - as something which is being done to them and will not stay in the relationships.
Some individual say that they “simply” fall out of love and/or fall in love with someone else. This may or may not be a reflection of other issues that they couple has been unable or unwilling to face.
In short, I am reminded of the old adage about building one’s house on a firm foundation. The house is much more likely to survive, but even that is not a guarantee. Natural events such as storms of various types and over events can still destroy the house. Careful planning likely will allow one to rebuild, but even that may not be enough. The Bernie Madoff scam left many penniless. Many marriages/partnerships did not have an enough of a base left to survive when this disaster struck. For other it was just a bump in the road.
Relationship have a life of their own. They need to be fed and watered on a daily basis. Even then people change. There may come a time when couples need to go their separate ways. If there has been a solid foundation they will do so with the blessing of each other and not with revengeful hate.
Hopefully, we can teach our children by example to build the solid foundation which the young friends I described have done. They will be fine even if at some point they find the relationship has reached a natural end. On the other hand, they may be like my friends who were married for nearly 70 years and were still excited about visiting with each other every day as they met after being active in their respective interests.
Written July 17, 2017
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