Choosing a mate
I often chat with other adult males about how we select the people we date. So often we internalize the message the we males should look for a mate who merely“ turns us on sexually/chemically”. Of course, by the time we are old enough to date we have also have received thousands of messages pairing gender, a certain physical appearance which changes to reflect current cultural and social values and opportunities, and other qualities which we think might make a good mate for our career, social position and perhaps one who has learned the behavioral rules for the group to which we aspire to belong. Of course, there are those lucky few who instinctly look for a good friend or soul mate whom one later comes to romantically love.
Sadly, many of us males also look for a mate who other males are going to “approve of”, find attractive and acceptable and who they will envy. We worry what other males think.
Romantic messages arrive via marketing videos, billboards, books and magazines (often beginning with children’s books) and other forms of advertising. Thankfully, some of those messages have become more inclusive but, on the whole, what counts as success has not changed much. Money, power, ownership, appearance and status still often dominate.
When I am talking with other males I may ask who their heroes are or what people they most admire. Often, they may say their mother, a male who has been a mentor, occasionally a father, a character in a movie, play or book, a sports figure or a teacher who has been very influential. Some might name Martin Luther King, Jr., Mya Angelou or some other well-known person. I will then ask what qualities this person or these persons possess which they admire. Frequently, they might name such qualities as courage (emotional and spiritual), trustworthiness, honestly, passionate beliefs, and a commitment to walk the talk. I will ask how many of those qualities are a romantic turn on or what they look for in a potential mate. All too frequently there is very little correlation. They do not date or look for a romantic partner who they respect in the same manner they do their heroes or their close friends.
I suspect all of us have looked at a stranger and thought they were sexy. Certainly it is fun to be feel sexual towards a stranger. We may even flirt a bit. It may be that person also possess all or most of the qualities which we look for in a mentor or a best friend. The person may, however, be merely another art object. I love art but I never go to an art gallery or a museum hoping to find my mate or even a good friend in a piece of art. I own art I clean and take good care of, but I never set it next to me at dinner or on the couch which I want to have a meaningful conversation. Sometimes, however, we look for a mate as we would an art object while having a completely different set of standards or qualities we want in a friend.
Perhaps we would fare much better if we looks for people to date who have the potential of being good friends; of being those we admire and respect. We may find that the romantic attraction follows. If it does not we still have a good friend.
A physical sexual attraction can lead to great fun, but that will fade if we find that we do not like or respect the person over time. After all, if we are living with a person very little of our time is spent connecting sexually. We work, do house chores, contribute to the community, nurture other friendships and perhaps raise a family. If mutual respect is not present over time one will find one does not care to make time and space to nurture the romantic part of the relationship. Being treated like an art object is not a sexual turn on for long in most relationships. There needs to be an underlying respect and genuine passion for who the person is - how passionately they walk the talk.
Perhaps we need to be more intentional about how we teach our male children to connect romantic attraction to core values; to who the person is and will remain for the next 70 years.
Perhaps we need to be more intentional in allowing love to mature and select a mate who can be a partner emotionally, spiritually, and romantically.
Written July 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I often chat with other adult males about how we select the people we date. So often we internalize the message the we males should look for a mate who merely“ turns us on sexually/chemically”. Of course, by the time we are old enough to date we have also have received thousands of messages pairing gender, a certain physical appearance which changes to reflect current cultural and social values and opportunities, and other qualities which we think might make a good mate for our career, social position and perhaps one who has learned the behavioral rules for the group to which we aspire to belong. Of course, there are those lucky few who instinctly look for a good friend or soul mate whom one later comes to romantically love.
Sadly, many of us males also look for a mate who other males are going to “approve of”, find attractive and acceptable and who they will envy. We worry what other males think.
Romantic messages arrive via marketing videos, billboards, books and magazines (often beginning with children’s books) and other forms of advertising. Thankfully, some of those messages have become more inclusive but, on the whole, what counts as success has not changed much. Money, power, ownership, appearance and status still often dominate.
When I am talking with other males I may ask who their heroes are or what people they most admire. Often, they may say their mother, a male who has been a mentor, occasionally a father, a character in a movie, play or book, a sports figure or a teacher who has been very influential. Some might name Martin Luther King, Jr., Mya Angelou or some other well-known person. I will then ask what qualities this person or these persons possess which they admire. Frequently, they might name such qualities as courage (emotional and spiritual), trustworthiness, honestly, passionate beliefs, and a commitment to walk the talk. I will ask how many of those qualities are a romantic turn on or what they look for in a potential mate. All too frequently there is very little correlation. They do not date or look for a romantic partner who they respect in the same manner they do their heroes or their close friends.
I suspect all of us have looked at a stranger and thought they were sexy. Certainly it is fun to be feel sexual towards a stranger. We may even flirt a bit. It may be that person also possess all or most of the qualities which we look for in a mentor or a best friend. The person may, however, be merely another art object. I love art but I never go to an art gallery or a museum hoping to find my mate or even a good friend in a piece of art. I own art I clean and take good care of, but I never set it next to me at dinner or on the couch which I want to have a meaningful conversation. Sometimes, however, we look for a mate as we would an art object while having a completely different set of standards or qualities we want in a friend.
Perhaps we would fare much better if we looks for people to date who have the potential of being good friends; of being those we admire and respect. We may find that the romantic attraction follows. If it does not we still have a good friend.
A physical sexual attraction can lead to great fun, but that will fade if we find that we do not like or respect the person over time. After all, if we are living with a person very little of our time is spent connecting sexually. We work, do house chores, contribute to the community, nurture other friendships and perhaps raise a family. If mutual respect is not present over time one will find one does not care to make time and space to nurture the romantic part of the relationship. Being treated like an art object is not a sexual turn on for long in most relationships. There needs to be an underlying respect and genuine passion for who the person is - how passionately they walk the talk.
Perhaps we need to be more intentional about how we teach our male children to connect romantic attraction to core values; to who the person is and will remain for the next 70 years.
Perhaps we need to be more intentional in allowing love to mature and select a mate who can be a partner emotionally, spiritually, and romantically.
Written July 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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