Claiming our core
I have often heard that many of us are guilty of comparing our insides with someone else’s outside. I was thinking of that this morning while listening to the week’s conversation on the podcast of On Being. Krista Tippett talks with Sheryl Sandberg who is the chief operating officer of Facebook and Adam Grant who is professor of psychology at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Grant have written a book and launched a non-profit together called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.
The life experience which gave birth to this book was the sudden death of Sheryl’s young husband leaving her with two children, ages 7 and 10. Adam Grant is a friend of Sheryl and her late husband David Goldberg.
It would be easy to assume that even profound grief is easier for people such as Sheryl and Adam than it is for the average person. After all, to be a chief operating officer of the world-famous Facebook and to be professor at one of the most prestigious business schools in the United States tells one that they must have had a lot of confidence, strength and focus prior to the death of Dave. In other words, they must be different than people like you and me. They have an enormous support system, plenty of money and an innate ability to handle tough situations. Yet, if one takes the times to listen to this podcast, read the book or learn more about these two individuals, one finds although it is true that a spiritual faith, the absence of immediate financial worries and a strong support system are indeed blessings which makes some parts of emotionally tough and spiritually challenging life events easier, the feeling of aloneness, of not knowing how to get through one minute without a beloved partner and friend, of being lost and yet knowing that others are dependent on one are just as powerful for Adam and Sheryl as they are for you and me.
In the book, Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Grant state:
“Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity, and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.”
This week I have meet with:
· Several individuals with a long history of addictive thinking and behavior. Many of these individuals have long believed that they are different and, thus, less than successful people (whatever successful means).
· Parents who are struggling with the addiction of an adult child (children) and must decide the most loving way to respond to that addiction and all that that entails.
· A woman who is attempting to leave a long-term physically and emotionally abusive marriage.
· A woman who must decide whether to get a divorce and explore another relationship.
· A woman who learned many lies about herself growing up in an alcoholic family.
· Individuals who are dealing with some other mental illness such as anxiety disorder or clinical depression.
All of these folks arrive weighed down from years of feeling and believing that they do not have the strength or ability to deal with life on life’s terms. They do not feel strong or capable. They may not feel as if they have a backbone much less the ability to strengthen the muscles around that backbone. These folks range from unemployed, under employed to being successful and respected professionals. Many have financial concerns while a few have the luxury of not having to worry about basic financial related issues.
It is easy for many of the clients and others I know to look at folks such as Adam and Sheryl and think that dealing with such issues as profound grief is easier for them. They must, after all, have something that the rest of us do not have. Yet, the truth is that when tragedy strikes no matter who we are financially or what our emotional and spiritual history we need to be reminded and supported in the belief that we already have a backbone. Just like all the characters in The Wizard of OZ we have the strength we need. To be sure we will need to be very intentional about building the muscle around that backbone, but we have it. We are no different than Sheryl, Adam or a host of others whose outsides seems to cover an inside which is much different than ours.
We all experience tragedy, loss, and profound grief the same. We all feel loss and feel as if we do not have what we need to go on. We all feel alone no matter how many people try to be supportive. In the end, we and only we can access that internal strength. Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Adams have some wonderful suggestions about building the muscle around the backbone, but they cannot tell us how to build something we already have. They can remind us that we have to take that Kierkegaardian leap of faith and act as if we know we have what it takes to take that next step and then the next step and then the next step
Mrs. Sandberg’s husband is dead. If one has a chronic clinical depression or anxiety one will not get rid of it. Unless there is some new discovery the addict is never going to be able to have “just one” without it eventually again becoming “just one more.” The person who has been in a combat situation cannot undo that experience. Those who have been raped cannot never again be the innocent that they were prior to the rape. Yet, with help, we can all learn to claim our backbone and build the muscle surrounding it. We can even find the joy that is beyond the grief but which does not replace that grief but rather, sits alongside of it.
Our insides are no different than those who may have a different outside. We are all the same strong, often hurting, fragile feeling, powerful/resilient individuals.
I am reminded of the phrase from the song so often associated with those overcoming to the adversity of racism, sexism, homophobia or another systemic mistreatment, “We shall overcome. Deep in our hearts, I do believe we shall overcome some day.”
Written April 27, 2017
I have often heard that many of us are guilty of comparing our insides with someone else’s outside. I was thinking of that this morning while listening to the week’s conversation on the podcast of On Being. Krista Tippett talks with Sheryl Sandberg who is the chief operating officer of Facebook and Adam Grant who is professor of psychology at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Grant have written a book and launched a non-profit together called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.
The life experience which gave birth to this book was the sudden death of Sheryl’s young husband leaving her with two children, ages 7 and 10. Adam Grant is a friend of Sheryl and her late husband David Goldberg.
It would be easy to assume that even profound grief is easier for people such as Sheryl and Adam than it is for the average person. After all, to be a chief operating officer of the world-famous Facebook and to be professor at one of the most prestigious business schools in the United States tells one that they must have had a lot of confidence, strength and focus prior to the death of Dave. In other words, they must be different than people like you and me. They have an enormous support system, plenty of money and an innate ability to handle tough situations. Yet, if one takes the times to listen to this podcast, read the book or learn more about these two individuals, one finds although it is true that a spiritual faith, the absence of immediate financial worries and a strong support system are indeed blessings which makes some parts of emotionally tough and spiritually challenging life events easier, the feeling of aloneness, of not knowing how to get through one minute without a beloved partner and friend, of being lost and yet knowing that others are dependent on one are just as powerful for Adam and Sheryl as they are for you and me.
In the book, Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Grant state:
“Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity, and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.”
This week I have meet with:
· Several individuals with a long history of addictive thinking and behavior. Many of these individuals have long believed that they are different and, thus, less than successful people (whatever successful means).
· Parents who are struggling with the addiction of an adult child (children) and must decide the most loving way to respond to that addiction and all that that entails.
· A woman who is attempting to leave a long-term physically and emotionally abusive marriage.
· A woman who must decide whether to get a divorce and explore another relationship.
· A woman who learned many lies about herself growing up in an alcoholic family.
· Individuals who are dealing with some other mental illness such as anxiety disorder or clinical depression.
All of these folks arrive weighed down from years of feeling and believing that they do not have the strength or ability to deal with life on life’s terms. They do not feel strong or capable. They may not feel as if they have a backbone much less the ability to strengthen the muscles around that backbone. These folks range from unemployed, under employed to being successful and respected professionals. Many have financial concerns while a few have the luxury of not having to worry about basic financial related issues.
It is easy for many of the clients and others I know to look at folks such as Adam and Sheryl and think that dealing with such issues as profound grief is easier for them. They must, after all, have something that the rest of us do not have. Yet, the truth is that when tragedy strikes no matter who we are financially or what our emotional and spiritual history we need to be reminded and supported in the belief that we already have a backbone. Just like all the characters in The Wizard of OZ we have the strength we need. To be sure we will need to be very intentional about building the muscle around that backbone, but we have it. We are no different than Sheryl, Adam or a host of others whose outsides seems to cover an inside which is much different than ours.
We all experience tragedy, loss, and profound grief the same. We all feel loss and feel as if we do not have what we need to go on. We all feel alone no matter how many people try to be supportive. In the end, we and only we can access that internal strength. Mrs. Sandberg and Dr. Adams have some wonderful suggestions about building the muscle around the backbone, but they cannot tell us how to build something we already have. They can remind us that we have to take that Kierkegaardian leap of faith and act as if we know we have what it takes to take that next step and then the next step and then the next step
Mrs. Sandberg’s husband is dead. If one has a chronic clinical depression or anxiety one will not get rid of it. Unless there is some new discovery the addict is never going to be able to have “just one” without it eventually again becoming “just one more.” The person who has been in a combat situation cannot undo that experience. Those who have been raped cannot never again be the innocent that they were prior to the rape. Yet, with help, we can all learn to claim our backbone and build the muscle surrounding it. We can even find the joy that is beyond the grief but which does not replace that grief but rather, sits alongside of it.
Our insides are no different than those who may have a different outside. We are all the same strong, often hurting, fragile feeling, powerful/resilient individuals.
I am reminded of the phrase from the song so often associated with those overcoming to the adversity of racism, sexism, homophobia or another systemic mistreatment, “We shall overcome. Deep in our hearts, I do believe we shall overcome some day.”
Written April 27, 2017
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