Close enough to burn
Many readers will be familiar with the story of Icarus, son of Daedalus, who flew too close to the sun on wings of feathers and wax. The wax melted, the feather came loose and Icarus plunged to his death in the sea.
All of us have limitations and it would be easy to allow our limitation to define our life journey. If we do not reach for the sun we will wither and die. If we get too close to the heat of the sun the wax will melt and our feather will come loose and we will plunge to our death.
Finding and accepting that the balance between accepting limits and refusing to accept limits is a daily goal for many of us. Some of us get so frustrated with limits that we give up and become a couch potato or numb ourselves with alcohol, other drugs, sex, shopping or other temporary escapes. Others of us risk death or permanent disability because we refuse to accept any limits
All of us who are parents are especially aware of needing to find a daily balance between doing all we can to help, cajole, beg, or challenge our children to be the best they can be and respecting the fact that they must live their own life journey. Our children do not need to be very old before we realize that we have very little power as parents. While they are living at home and in school we can set a good example, share with them how we make decisions and do our best to introduce them to other teachers, mentors and spiritual guides. Even then we cannot control what they do or do not do all time.
Once they technically reach adulthood, they are ready, as was Icarus, to make their own decisions. They may or may not be making decisions which we feel are wise and safe, but most of the time, we are unaware of what they are going. In our modern world children go off on their own at 18. Either they join the service, get a job and their own apartment or go off to college. Any illusion that we can monitor their behavior is quickly shattered. If they are not doing well, they might move back to our home, but even then, we have no control. We will encourage them to go to a local school , obtain other training or get a job. Eventually many will find their way and move on with their lives. If, however, they have an illness such as mental illness or a drug addiction for which they are not getting treatment or the treatment they are getting is not effective, we will be daily challenged. Unless we can prove that they are immediately homicidal or suicidal we cannot force them into treatment. Even if we do manage to help them get into treatment they may stop taking their medication or working a recovery program soon after they get out of treatment. Their medication might stop working. Their medication alone will not necessarily help them change some of their habits of thinking and behavior which lead to one crisis after another. Even if they have a disability income or some other source of income they may be unable to effective manage their money and be broke a few days after they get their check. Occasionally someone might be diagnosed as unable to manage their own money resulting in a payee who manages their money for them. This does not, however, mean that they will be able to make responsible decisions regarding sexual or other behavior.
Mental illnesses, including addictions, are chronic illnesses. Even if effectively treated for a time, medications might suddenly stop working or they quit working a recovery/rehabilitation program. Parents and/or other family members must then accept that they may not be able to do much other then, when possible, provide housing, food and other financial assistance. Family members may also find themselves responsible for the minor children of their adult children.
Parents and other family members of addicts are, in today’s society, constantly accused of providing too much help and not allowing their adult children to suffer the consequences of their decisions. It is true that when some families quit providing support some addicts get into treatment. Many do not and may end up living on the street putting themselves at risk for serious illness and even death. It is also true that some addicts get “sick and tired” of being sick and tired and in desperation reach out for treatment. They may do this regardless of what help their families are providing. It is also true that some addicts may not die and, yet, may not get sick and tired of being sick and tired until they are very old. Some will never reach that point.
Parents and other family members must decide how much help they can financially and emotionally afford. They must also decide if they can provide help without any expectations that their family member will get better or get into treatment.
If family members are unable to take care of themselves emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and help their adult children then they need to accept those limits. If they continue to put their own health at risk and fly to close to the sun they will crash and burn.
Family members have to come to terms with accepting their own powerlessness over the mental illness (including addiction) of their adult children.
There are no right or wrong answers regarding how much help to provide as long as it is affordable emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and as long as one can give it with unconditional love. If, however, one cannot give without expectations, then one needs to get help with letting go of expectations. Blaming the ill person for their illness or one’s decision to help is not realistic and not helpful to anyone.
I am not suggesting that letting go of the desire to fly to close to the sun is easy. I am not suggesting that giving up and having no prayers, dreams or hopes is healthy or good. I always hope for a miracle and must also accept my powerlessness to do anything more than loving unconditionally and practicing the serenity prayer.
Written August 25, 2018
Many readers will be familiar with the story of Icarus, son of Daedalus, who flew too close to the sun on wings of feathers and wax. The wax melted, the feather came loose and Icarus plunged to his death in the sea.
All of us have limitations and it would be easy to allow our limitation to define our life journey. If we do not reach for the sun we will wither and die. If we get too close to the heat of the sun the wax will melt and our feather will come loose and we will plunge to our death.
Finding and accepting that the balance between accepting limits and refusing to accept limits is a daily goal for many of us. Some of us get so frustrated with limits that we give up and become a couch potato or numb ourselves with alcohol, other drugs, sex, shopping or other temporary escapes. Others of us risk death or permanent disability because we refuse to accept any limits
All of us who are parents are especially aware of needing to find a daily balance between doing all we can to help, cajole, beg, or challenge our children to be the best they can be and respecting the fact that they must live their own life journey. Our children do not need to be very old before we realize that we have very little power as parents. While they are living at home and in school we can set a good example, share with them how we make decisions and do our best to introduce them to other teachers, mentors and spiritual guides. Even then we cannot control what they do or do not do all time.
Once they technically reach adulthood, they are ready, as was Icarus, to make their own decisions. They may or may not be making decisions which we feel are wise and safe, but most of the time, we are unaware of what they are going. In our modern world children go off on their own at 18. Either they join the service, get a job and their own apartment or go off to college. Any illusion that we can monitor their behavior is quickly shattered. If they are not doing well, they might move back to our home, but even then, we have no control. We will encourage them to go to a local school , obtain other training or get a job. Eventually many will find their way and move on with their lives. If, however, they have an illness such as mental illness or a drug addiction for which they are not getting treatment or the treatment they are getting is not effective, we will be daily challenged. Unless we can prove that they are immediately homicidal or suicidal we cannot force them into treatment. Even if we do manage to help them get into treatment they may stop taking their medication or working a recovery program soon after they get out of treatment. Their medication might stop working. Their medication alone will not necessarily help them change some of their habits of thinking and behavior which lead to one crisis after another. Even if they have a disability income or some other source of income they may be unable to effective manage their money and be broke a few days after they get their check. Occasionally someone might be diagnosed as unable to manage their own money resulting in a payee who manages their money for them. This does not, however, mean that they will be able to make responsible decisions regarding sexual or other behavior.
Mental illnesses, including addictions, are chronic illnesses. Even if effectively treated for a time, medications might suddenly stop working or they quit working a recovery/rehabilitation program. Parents and/or other family members must then accept that they may not be able to do much other then, when possible, provide housing, food and other financial assistance. Family members may also find themselves responsible for the minor children of their adult children.
Parents and other family members of addicts are, in today’s society, constantly accused of providing too much help and not allowing their adult children to suffer the consequences of their decisions. It is true that when some families quit providing support some addicts get into treatment. Many do not and may end up living on the street putting themselves at risk for serious illness and even death. It is also true that some addicts get “sick and tired” of being sick and tired and in desperation reach out for treatment. They may do this regardless of what help their families are providing. It is also true that some addicts may not die and, yet, may not get sick and tired of being sick and tired until they are very old. Some will never reach that point.
Parents and other family members must decide how much help they can financially and emotionally afford. They must also decide if they can provide help without any expectations that their family member will get better or get into treatment.
If family members are unable to take care of themselves emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and help their adult children then they need to accept those limits. If they continue to put their own health at risk and fly to close to the sun they will crash and burn.
Family members have to come to terms with accepting their own powerlessness over the mental illness (including addiction) of their adult children.
There are no right or wrong answers regarding how much help to provide as long as it is affordable emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and as long as one can give it with unconditional love. If, however, one cannot give without expectations, then one needs to get help with letting go of expectations. Blaming the ill person for their illness or one’s decision to help is not realistic and not helpful to anyone.
I am not suggesting that letting go of the desire to fly to close to the sun is easy. I am not suggesting that giving up and having no prayers, dreams or hopes is healthy or good. I always hope for a miracle and must also accept my powerlessness to do anything more than loving unconditionally and practicing the serenity prayer.
Written August 25, 2018
RSS Feed