Co-dependence?
This morning I began to read George McGovern’s book, Terry: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism . It has been waiting my attention for well over a month.
Some readers might remember that George McGovern was a well known U.S. Senator, U. S. Representative, U. N. Ambassador, professor, theology student, author, a one time presidential candidate and an outspoken critic of the Vietnam War as well as an advocate for all those in need. It is probably his roles as husband and father that brought him the most joy and the most pain.
As is often true for family members of those suffering from the disease of addiction, following his daughter’s death as a direct result of the addiction, he questioned his own response to his daughter’s illness. He and his wife were, at times, advised to give his daughter some distance. I have no doubt that this advice was predicated on the belief that Terry would have a better chance of staying in recovery if she reached what those treating and those recovering from addiction label the addict’s bottom. His daughter did manage to hang on to sobriety and sometimes recovery for significant periods of time. This bright, witty, deeply caring and passionate young woman who would have done anything for her two children could not do what they most needed – stay in recovery. Numerous trips to the hospital for detox, the best treatment centers money could but, the ability to cognitively understand the 12-step program, a special gift for helping others, therapy and medical help were not enough to keep her sober and in recovery. Some in the 12-step program would explain her inability to consistently use the tools of recovery as being one of those who was constitutionally unable to stay in recovery. Simply put, this means that no one can explain why some very bright, loving, talented people cannot consistently use the tools of a 12-step program or some other effective program/system for recovery.
Would she have done better if her family had been less supportive emotionally or financially? Would she have done better if they had been more supportive? Were they co-dependent? Did they not allow her to experience enough consequences? What more could she have lost? She lost custody of her children – the ability to care for them as he deeply wanted to. She lost relationships. She lost the ability to consistently use the considerable talenta\s and skills with which she had been gifted.
As George McGovern was writing the book in long hand on legal pads he questioned himself as a parent. Yet, he is very clear that his daughter and a son who also eventually lost his life to alcoholism had a chronic illness. In a 1996 NPR interview his advice to parents of those struggling with addiction was, ‘I think if you are going to follow that course of putting some distance between you and the alcoholic, you should accompany that by frequent calls, at least once a week, just to see how they’re doing, to tell them you love them.”
Sometimes, love of self requires that one admit that one needs a break before one breaks. This is not to help the addict. This is sometimes what is required to stay loving to self, other family members and to the addict.
I try to not use words such as co-dependent. I do recommend that all of us who love an addict consistently practice the serenity prayer. I am not sure one can do too much for the addict. One can give more than one can afford and one can give conditionally. Conditional giving is not a gift. It is an attempt to control. I have been working with addiction for nearly 50 years and I have no idea what will be helpful for a particular addict. Sometimes they need distance. Sometimes they need more closeness. Sometimes they need a hand up. Sometime they want or need to find a way to stand up on their own. Sometimes they say what they really want or need and sometimes …
When loving an addict forget all the pat answers and such handy labels as co-dependent. Do all with love including the love of self as a human who has no control or easy answers.
Written February 5, 2018
This morning I began to read George McGovern’s book, Terry: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism . It has been waiting my attention for well over a month.
Some readers might remember that George McGovern was a well known U.S. Senator, U. S. Representative, U. N. Ambassador, professor, theology student, author, a one time presidential candidate and an outspoken critic of the Vietnam War as well as an advocate for all those in need. It is probably his roles as husband and father that brought him the most joy and the most pain.
As is often true for family members of those suffering from the disease of addiction, following his daughter’s death as a direct result of the addiction, he questioned his own response to his daughter’s illness. He and his wife were, at times, advised to give his daughter some distance. I have no doubt that this advice was predicated on the belief that Terry would have a better chance of staying in recovery if she reached what those treating and those recovering from addiction label the addict’s bottom. His daughter did manage to hang on to sobriety and sometimes recovery for significant periods of time. This bright, witty, deeply caring and passionate young woman who would have done anything for her two children could not do what they most needed – stay in recovery. Numerous trips to the hospital for detox, the best treatment centers money could but, the ability to cognitively understand the 12-step program, a special gift for helping others, therapy and medical help were not enough to keep her sober and in recovery. Some in the 12-step program would explain her inability to consistently use the tools of recovery as being one of those who was constitutionally unable to stay in recovery. Simply put, this means that no one can explain why some very bright, loving, talented people cannot consistently use the tools of a 12-step program or some other effective program/system for recovery.
Would she have done better if her family had been less supportive emotionally or financially? Would she have done better if they had been more supportive? Were they co-dependent? Did they not allow her to experience enough consequences? What more could she have lost? She lost custody of her children – the ability to care for them as he deeply wanted to. She lost relationships. She lost the ability to consistently use the considerable talenta\s and skills with which she had been gifted.
As George McGovern was writing the book in long hand on legal pads he questioned himself as a parent. Yet, he is very clear that his daughter and a son who also eventually lost his life to alcoholism had a chronic illness. In a 1996 NPR interview his advice to parents of those struggling with addiction was, ‘I think if you are going to follow that course of putting some distance between you and the alcoholic, you should accompany that by frequent calls, at least once a week, just to see how they’re doing, to tell them you love them.”
Sometimes, love of self requires that one admit that one needs a break before one breaks. This is not to help the addict. This is sometimes what is required to stay loving to self, other family members and to the addict.
I try to not use words such as co-dependent. I do recommend that all of us who love an addict consistently practice the serenity prayer. I am not sure one can do too much for the addict. One can give more than one can afford and one can give conditionally. Conditional giving is not a gift. It is an attempt to control. I have been working with addiction for nearly 50 years and I have no idea what will be helpful for a particular addict. Sometimes they need distance. Sometimes they need more closeness. Sometimes they need a hand up. Sometime they want or need to find a way to stand up on their own. Sometimes they say what they really want or need and sometimes …
When loving an addict forget all the pat answers and such handy labels as co-dependent. Do all with love including the love of self as a human who has no control or easy answers.
Written February 5, 2018
RSS Feed