Codependent
I have often received referrals from colleagues who had decided that some person or persons are too codependent to be helped. They have been told that I will see them even if they are beyond help. The colleagues are accurate. I will see those who are perceived as too “codependent” to be seen by some of my colleagues. Ironically, most colleagues who refused to see these individuals or families are attempting to convey, in most instances, that the help the family members are attempting to provide the ill person is not working and shows no sign of being helpful. Frequently, their attempt to help has left them exhausted and unable to take care of each other, other family members or their job/professional responsibilities. In other words what began as one sick person has now morphed into a sick family none of whom are being very helpful to each other.
The word codependent is defined in dictionary.com as “of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.” One can also google symptoms of codependency. Various professional organization have attempted to further identify a relationship in which the emotional, mental or physical illness of an individual has come to define the relationship dynamic between two or more people. This is not, in my mind, a positive or negative statement. It is frequently a statement which describes what may be the result of the emotional or even physical death of family members who are beyond exhaustion or frustration. Although the term codependent may be most often used to refer to a family member or close friend who is attempting to help an active alcoholic or other drug addict, this relationship dynamics can develop between a loved one(s) and a person suffering from an untreated or ineffectively treated mental illness or a physical illness such as Alzheimer’s. The family often may not have affordable and available options for moving someone into a professional care center which has the resources to treat the individuals with quality, professional care and the love and dignity the person deserves. The mental condition of the individual may or may not in a particular area allow for his or her involuntary commitment. Sometimes if a placement is possible the facility may be located so far away the family cannot visit. In many states in the United States active addiction is not in and of itself sufficient to force someone into long term residential treatment
Many parents and spouses have been told to simply throw the person out of the house. This may or may not be legally possible depending on the geographical area in which one resides. Even if it is possible legally the sick person was once a beloved spouse, the tiny baby a parent carried in her womb and parents brought home from the hospital, the son or daughter who came home from war, or that bright, delightful child until schizophrenia or some other mental illness kidnapped their mind. How can one throw out their beloved spouse or child?
To label folks as codependent may, at times, be technically accurate and may even serve to help identify local resources such as books or support groups, but it also may well be heard as “bad or sick person/family”. This may not be kind or helpful. It is one thing to say what you are doing is not working and, quite another, to say or imply that one is “sick” for not wanting to give up on their loved one.
I have never worked for/with a family who did not experience a profound grief for the child or other loved one they had to lock out of the house or kick out of the house to safeguard the rest of the family. I have never worked for/with a family who did not endlessly question what they could have done differently. I have never worked for/with a family who did not regret the last words with a loved one were frustrated, exhausted anger
We professional need to be very cautious with our use of labels and intended or implied judgments. Often no answer is right, good or acceptable. We professional need to appreciate that what we might easily label as codependent are loving people with often broken, exhausted bodies and hearts. We need to embrace them just as they want/need to embrace the very ill family member.
Written July 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I have often received referrals from colleagues who had decided that some person or persons are too codependent to be helped. They have been told that I will see them even if they are beyond help. The colleagues are accurate. I will see those who are perceived as too “codependent” to be seen by some of my colleagues. Ironically, most colleagues who refused to see these individuals or families are attempting to convey, in most instances, that the help the family members are attempting to provide the ill person is not working and shows no sign of being helpful. Frequently, their attempt to help has left them exhausted and unable to take care of each other, other family members or their job/professional responsibilities. In other words what began as one sick person has now morphed into a sick family none of whom are being very helpful to each other.
The word codependent is defined in dictionary.com as “of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.” One can also google symptoms of codependency. Various professional organization have attempted to further identify a relationship in which the emotional, mental or physical illness of an individual has come to define the relationship dynamic between two or more people. This is not, in my mind, a positive or negative statement. It is frequently a statement which describes what may be the result of the emotional or even physical death of family members who are beyond exhaustion or frustration. Although the term codependent may be most often used to refer to a family member or close friend who is attempting to help an active alcoholic or other drug addict, this relationship dynamics can develop between a loved one(s) and a person suffering from an untreated or ineffectively treated mental illness or a physical illness such as Alzheimer’s. The family often may not have affordable and available options for moving someone into a professional care center which has the resources to treat the individuals with quality, professional care and the love and dignity the person deserves. The mental condition of the individual may or may not in a particular area allow for his or her involuntary commitment. Sometimes if a placement is possible the facility may be located so far away the family cannot visit. In many states in the United States active addiction is not in and of itself sufficient to force someone into long term residential treatment
Many parents and spouses have been told to simply throw the person out of the house. This may or may not be legally possible depending on the geographical area in which one resides. Even if it is possible legally the sick person was once a beloved spouse, the tiny baby a parent carried in her womb and parents brought home from the hospital, the son or daughter who came home from war, or that bright, delightful child until schizophrenia or some other mental illness kidnapped their mind. How can one throw out their beloved spouse or child?
To label folks as codependent may, at times, be technically accurate and may even serve to help identify local resources such as books or support groups, but it also may well be heard as “bad or sick person/family”. This may not be kind or helpful. It is one thing to say what you are doing is not working and, quite another, to say or imply that one is “sick” for not wanting to give up on their loved one.
I have never worked for/with a family who did not experience a profound grief for the child or other loved one they had to lock out of the house or kick out of the house to safeguard the rest of the family. I have never worked for/with a family who did not endlessly question what they could have done differently. I have never worked for/with a family who did not regret the last words with a loved one were frustrated, exhausted anger
We professional need to be very cautious with our use of labels and intended or implied judgments. Often no answer is right, good or acceptable. We professional need to appreciate that what we might easily label as codependent are loving people with often broken, exhausted bodies and hearts. We need to embrace them just as they want/need to embrace the very ill family member.
Written July 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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