“…Come back when you are ready.”
The staff of Homeboy Industries may say to someone that it appears that you do not want to be here “…Come back when you are ready.”
Although painful, hospitals, other treatment facilities, employers, and transition house can say to the person who is not able to allow themselves treatment for their mental illness: “ Come back when you are ready.” Some family members can and do say this to loved ones, but it is not easy or painless. It may seem as if they are saying to the loved one “Come back when you are as healthy as me.” We are all works in progress. None of us have arrived as a completed work. We are not the Buddha, a God, Jesus or even Mother Theresa. Yet, there are times when we do need to say to someone, “I am not yet healthy enough to be around you when you are drinking/using or when you are refusing to take your medications. Please come back when you are ready.” Sometimes our patience has worn so thin that we are unable to say this with love. Part of us may be tempted to decide the person is “evil” or beyond hope. Yet I believe that no one is beyond hope. I also believe that no one is evil. Every day I am made aware of the miracle of some of us being restored to ourselves. As I have previously mentioned I often attend lead 12 step meetings at which someone tells their story of returning from a disease infested gutter – a gutter of physical and emotional violence – to a core of loving kindness and being able to take their place as a contributing community member. Every day I also hear the stories of those who are not able to find their way back to themselves.
Not infrequently some person I know gets very angry with me because I will not give them money, lie for them or pretend with them that their current behavior will lead them back to themselves. I may, at times, be frustrated because I cannot find a way for that person to begin their journey home to himself or herself. At that point I know that I have now made the issue about me and rather than owning the issue I am blaming the other person. Later some of those same people find their way back to themselves and eventually back to me. My goal is to say, “Welcome home.” I can only say, “welcome home” if I have been focused on taking care of myself, which may include owning, and letting go of any resentments or other judgmental feelings I have. Of course, as with Father Boyle, there are far too many times when someone has died before they found their way home. Sometimes they may have died at the hands of someone I know and even love. This has often been true for Father Boyle in his ministry to and with Los Angeles gang members. At such times one grieves and goes through the motion of giving thanks that the person is at peace. Sometimes one even “feels” thankful that they are at peace. Other times one is too wrapped up in one’s own loss, disappointment or self-recrimination for not being able to help.
One says to them:
“Come back when you are ready and I will welcome you home. I will open my heart and my arms. Go in peace. Do what you need to do. Come back when you are ready.”
Written November 25, 2017
The staff of Homeboy Industries may say to someone that it appears that you do not want to be here “…Come back when you are ready.”
Although painful, hospitals, other treatment facilities, employers, and transition house can say to the person who is not able to allow themselves treatment for their mental illness: “ Come back when you are ready.” Some family members can and do say this to loved ones, but it is not easy or painless. It may seem as if they are saying to the loved one “Come back when you are as healthy as me.” We are all works in progress. None of us have arrived as a completed work. We are not the Buddha, a God, Jesus or even Mother Theresa. Yet, there are times when we do need to say to someone, “I am not yet healthy enough to be around you when you are drinking/using or when you are refusing to take your medications. Please come back when you are ready.” Sometimes our patience has worn so thin that we are unable to say this with love. Part of us may be tempted to decide the person is “evil” or beyond hope. Yet I believe that no one is beyond hope. I also believe that no one is evil. Every day I am made aware of the miracle of some of us being restored to ourselves. As I have previously mentioned I often attend lead 12 step meetings at which someone tells their story of returning from a disease infested gutter – a gutter of physical and emotional violence – to a core of loving kindness and being able to take their place as a contributing community member. Every day I also hear the stories of those who are not able to find their way back to themselves.
Not infrequently some person I know gets very angry with me because I will not give them money, lie for them or pretend with them that their current behavior will lead them back to themselves. I may, at times, be frustrated because I cannot find a way for that person to begin their journey home to himself or herself. At that point I know that I have now made the issue about me and rather than owning the issue I am blaming the other person. Later some of those same people find their way back to themselves and eventually back to me. My goal is to say, “Welcome home.” I can only say, “welcome home” if I have been focused on taking care of myself, which may include owning, and letting go of any resentments or other judgmental feelings I have. Of course, as with Father Boyle, there are far too many times when someone has died before they found their way home. Sometimes they may have died at the hands of someone I know and even love. This has often been true for Father Boyle in his ministry to and with Los Angeles gang members. At such times one grieves and goes through the motion of giving thanks that the person is at peace. Sometimes one even “feels” thankful that they are at peace. Other times one is too wrapped up in one’s own loss, disappointment or self-recrimination for not being able to help.
One says to them:
“Come back when you are ready and I will welcome you home. I will open my heart and my arms. Go in peace. Do what you need to do. Come back when you are ready.”
Written November 25, 2017
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