Compensation vs problem solving – sexual abuse – empathy
For the past few days I have been exploring the concept of empathy as an action verb – something we do rather than something we just feel. This morning I want to begin to explore the subject the history of sexual abuse within the church, particularly the Roman Catholic Church as well as in the culture overall. When I think of sexual abuse I believe we need to consider the following:
• The intensely personal nature of sexual contact.
• The fact that we human often engage in sexual behavior without being emotionally present.
• The use of power to take advantage of the vulnerability of a child or another adult.
• The fact that we in the United States seem to sometimes focus on victimhood rather than problem solving.
• The fact that we in the United States have become a very litigious society.
• The belief that awarding large sums of money to the victims is the best way to give victims a sense of justice – of those responsible being punished.
• The fact that historically many have blamed the victim for being victimized.
• The fact that in the case of the desire to abuse or the actual abuse of children we in the United States have made it nearly impossible for someone to safely ask for and received help.
• Punishment does not heal.
• Laws frequently arise only after a person, community, institution or company has failed to take action.
• The focus has been on the sexual abuse of children, particularly male children by male priests or other clergy. As far as I can have determined churches, particularly the Roman Catholic Church, has not publicly talked much about the fact that male priests often have adult heterosexual and homosexual romantic liaisons, a number of which have been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.
• Often the very persons or institutions which are the most vocal about denouncing any sexual activity outside the institution of a heterosexual marriage are those who violate these teachings.
• The accusation or charge of sexual harassment is another aspect of this topic which I will not be addressing in this article but which deserves to be addressed.
Because I have and continue to work as a counselor with both those who been sexually abused and those who sexually abuse others, including children, as well as those who are accused and convicted of one of the multitudes of behavior which can now land one on the very public sexual offenders register, I am acutely aware of the pain of all those affected. The movement in this country has been to punish those who may be a danger to others and those whose behavior we, as community, although not dangerous, do not approve of.
I personally think that the approach has been ineffective, unkind and even damaging to all the individuals involved. I would like to suggest that he current approaches are intended to give the appearance of strong and direct action being taken to stop or reduce sexual violence, but are actually creating more victims without decreasing the instances of emotional or physical sexual violence.
Let me be very clear about certain facts:
• Sexual abuse of anyone is not acceptable
• A significant number of children have been sexually abused.
• Sexual abuse in the military and other work environments occurs very frequently.
• Those who have been sexually abused need to be compensated for lost wages if they have to take time off work or interrupt their career as a direct result of sexual abuse. Any treatment for physical or emotional damage needs to be paid for by the abuser or the organization for which the abuser works.
• If a parent of a children who has been abused loses work time or needs counseling those costs need to be fully covered.
At the same time, I believe that we need, as a community to address the following:
• Sexual abuse or any other abuse may leave lifetime scars, but telling children or adults that their trauma makes them lifetime victims incapable of having a full, meaningful life is doing them a lifetime disservice.
• In 99 % of the cases, we need to eliminate the goal of insuring the wealth of those attorneys specializing in getting rich off of sexual abuse cases. If the law is clear that actual costs of treatment, missed work or lost career opportunities will be compensated there will not, in most cases, be any need for attorneys.
• Most of those who sexually abused others, including children, are not pedophiles.
• We, as a society, and church officials need to come to terms with the fact that most of we humans are very sexual beings.
• Sexual contact may be about control, the need for physical closeness, or about the impulsive need for sexual release because he or she has believed that they had to be sexually abstinent from sexual activity with themselves and others.
• Teenage children can and are often very sexual and very seductive. We need to teach them how to deal with those feelings/urges. Cold shower and sports may not be the entire answer.
• Criminalization of sex workers or the people who employ them has not worked.
• Provocative clothes do not cause someone to be a sexual abused. On the other hand, they may play a role in stimulating sexual desire.
• False accusations of child sexual abuse in a contentious divorce is, I believe very common. Even experts who are trained to ferret out the truth often are fooled by the fact that children are coached to lie. (Based on my limited experience and the many reports I have read.)
• Criminalization of having child pornography on one’s computer makes no sense.
o It has not been established whether the majority of people who watch child porn abuse children sexually.
o It is very difficult at this time to determine how the child porn got on a computer. It can be downloaded by someone else to a distant computer.
o Pornography, including child pornography is big business. It is difficult for me to believe that only a few people in our culture are spending billions of dollars on pornography. We may not approve but it is not going away. Pornography as been a part of culture for as long as we humans have been recording and sharing pictures.
For today, it is also my understanding that true pedophiles may not be treatable via talk therapy. The percentage of true pedophiles is, I believe, very small. They may need to be treated chemically and closely monitored as people with a chronic condition. They should not be punished. No one wakes up one day and decides to have an uncontrollable, compulsive desire to sexually abuse a prepubescent child. No one!
If we were less punishment oriented, then when someone has problems with inappropriate sexual desires or behavior they could ask for and get help.
Religious institutions need to come to terms with the fact that clergy and lay people need to know that they have healthy, non-abusive, options for addressing and dealing with sexual desires and with related behaviors such as the need to control. In it not acceptable, in my opinion, for the church to agree to just turn over abusers to legal authorities. Just as organized religion has often harbored immigrants, anti-war protestors and other social and political activists, representatives of those institutions needs to be clear that:
• They are not going to participate in a system which focuses on punishment rather than empathic help.
• The Christian church as well as many other religions is grounded in the teaching that “there but for the Grace of God go I”. This is a key component of empathy.
• Empathy does not deny issues. Empathy offers supportive, non-judgmental help.
As I have previously mentioned, the larger society, including religious institutions, could learn a lot from the 12-step recovery programs. They believe and practice accountability, forgiveness, and learning new skills for living. Many times I have attended an open speaker meeting where people I know talk about the horrendous ways they hurt themselves and others, including sexually, and why they can now move on with their lives and not repeat that behavior. If I want empathy along with accountability I am more likely to find it in a 12 step meeting than I will in most churches. It is possible to have both.
Written May 27, 2016
For the past few days I have been exploring the concept of empathy as an action verb – something we do rather than something we just feel. This morning I want to begin to explore the subject the history of sexual abuse within the church, particularly the Roman Catholic Church as well as in the culture overall. When I think of sexual abuse I believe we need to consider the following:
• The intensely personal nature of sexual contact.
• The fact that we human often engage in sexual behavior without being emotionally present.
• The use of power to take advantage of the vulnerability of a child or another adult.
• The fact that we in the United States seem to sometimes focus on victimhood rather than problem solving.
• The fact that we in the United States have become a very litigious society.
• The belief that awarding large sums of money to the victims is the best way to give victims a sense of justice – of those responsible being punished.
• The fact that historically many have blamed the victim for being victimized.
• The fact that in the case of the desire to abuse or the actual abuse of children we in the United States have made it nearly impossible for someone to safely ask for and received help.
• Punishment does not heal.
• Laws frequently arise only after a person, community, institution or company has failed to take action.
• The focus has been on the sexual abuse of children, particularly male children by male priests or other clergy. As far as I can have determined churches, particularly the Roman Catholic Church, has not publicly talked much about the fact that male priests often have adult heterosexual and homosexual romantic liaisons, a number of which have been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.
• Often the very persons or institutions which are the most vocal about denouncing any sexual activity outside the institution of a heterosexual marriage are those who violate these teachings.
• The accusation or charge of sexual harassment is another aspect of this topic which I will not be addressing in this article but which deserves to be addressed.
Because I have and continue to work as a counselor with both those who been sexually abused and those who sexually abuse others, including children, as well as those who are accused and convicted of one of the multitudes of behavior which can now land one on the very public sexual offenders register, I am acutely aware of the pain of all those affected. The movement in this country has been to punish those who may be a danger to others and those whose behavior we, as community, although not dangerous, do not approve of.
I personally think that the approach has been ineffective, unkind and even damaging to all the individuals involved. I would like to suggest that he current approaches are intended to give the appearance of strong and direct action being taken to stop or reduce sexual violence, but are actually creating more victims without decreasing the instances of emotional or physical sexual violence.
Let me be very clear about certain facts:
• Sexual abuse of anyone is not acceptable
• A significant number of children have been sexually abused.
• Sexual abuse in the military and other work environments occurs very frequently.
• Those who have been sexually abused need to be compensated for lost wages if they have to take time off work or interrupt their career as a direct result of sexual abuse. Any treatment for physical or emotional damage needs to be paid for by the abuser or the organization for which the abuser works.
• If a parent of a children who has been abused loses work time or needs counseling those costs need to be fully covered.
At the same time, I believe that we need, as a community to address the following:
• Sexual abuse or any other abuse may leave lifetime scars, but telling children or adults that their trauma makes them lifetime victims incapable of having a full, meaningful life is doing them a lifetime disservice.
• In 99 % of the cases, we need to eliminate the goal of insuring the wealth of those attorneys specializing in getting rich off of sexual abuse cases. If the law is clear that actual costs of treatment, missed work or lost career opportunities will be compensated there will not, in most cases, be any need for attorneys.
• Most of those who sexually abused others, including children, are not pedophiles.
• We, as a society, and church officials need to come to terms with the fact that most of we humans are very sexual beings.
• Sexual contact may be about control, the need for physical closeness, or about the impulsive need for sexual release because he or she has believed that they had to be sexually abstinent from sexual activity with themselves and others.
• Teenage children can and are often very sexual and very seductive. We need to teach them how to deal with those feelings/urges. Cold shower and sports may not be the entire answer.
• Criminalization of sex workers or the people who employ them has not worked.
• Provocative clothes do not cause someone to be a sexual abused. On the other hand, they may play a role in stimulating sexual desire.
• False accusations of child sexual abuse in a contentious divorce is, I believe very common. Even experts who are trained to ferret out the truth often are fooled by the fact that children are coached to lie. (Based on my limited experience and the many reports I have read.)
• Criminalization of having child pornography on one’s computer makes no sense.
o It has not been established whether the majority of people who watch child porn abuse children sexually.
o It is very difficult at this time to determine how the child porn got on a computer. It can be downloaded by someone else to a distant computer.
o Pornography, including child pornography is big business. It is difficult for me to believe that only a few people in our culture are spending billions of dollars on pornography. We may not approve but it is not going away. Pornography as been a part of culture for as long as we humans have been recording and sharing pictures.
For today, it is also my understanding that true pedophiles may not be treatable via talk therapy. The percentage of true pedophiles is, I believe, very small. They may need to be treated chemically and closely monitored as people with a chronic condition. They should not be punished. No one wakes up one day and decides to have an uncontrollable, compulsive desire to sexually abuse a prepubescent child. No one!
If we were less punishment oriented, then when someone has problems with inappropriate sexual desires or behavior they could ask for and get help.
Religious institutions need to come to terms with the fact that clergy and lay people need to know that they have healthy, non-abusive, options for addressing and dealing with sexual desires and with related behaviors such as the need to control. In it not acceptable, in my opinion, for the church to agree to just turn over abusers to legal authorities. Just as organized religion has often harbored immigrants, anti-war protestors and other social and political activists, representatives of those institutions needs to be clear that:
• They are not going to participate in a system which focuses on punishment rather than empathic help.
• The Christian church as well as many other religions is grounded in the teaching that “there but for the Grace of God go I”. This is a key component of empathy.
• Empathy does not deny issues. Empathy offers supportive, non-judgmental help.
As I have previously mentioned, the larger society, including religious institutions, could learn a lot from the 12-step recovery programs. They believe and practice accountability, forgiveness, and learning new skills for living. Many times I have attended an open speaker meeting where people I know talk about the horrendous ways they hurt themselves and others, including sexually, and why they can now move on with their lives and not repeat that behavior. If I want empathy along with accountability I am more likely to find it in a 12 step meeting than I will in most churches. It is possible to have both.
Written May 27, 2016
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